tommyboy Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 I have been involved in a relationship with a married woman for 4 1/2 years. I have been deeply hurt recently from her decision to come to me and say "goodbye". Unfortunately, she had been whistling a different tune for last few months about leaving him and telling him the same. It really came as a shock to me that she did a 180. Our love for each other I believe was quite true, at least on my part, however, I did see in her eyes quite a depth of love as well. She always thought of me and I of her. I am Catholic and never thought that this would ever happen to me. I can't believe it actually did as I am not that kind of person not to be moralistic if you will. However, it still occurred and this woman has two children who she adores, and had said she would trust their lives in my hands as well as her own life. We haven't been talking for almost 3 weeks. I have maintained my strength the best I can as we both work together and have presented a strong outward appearance the best I can as she has too. She has made it obvious through her words, laughing, caring on and her actions that she is trying to stick to her decision of saying goodbye. She finally told everyone that she moved to a new home, that she actually lied to everyone, including myself, that she didn't move. I found out by looking it up on the internet months ago. Its as if she is coming clean with everyone here that she previously had lied to. So can anyone tell me statistically or maybe from your experience what to expect with things. I am walking away the best I can although my heart had been seriously crushed and in a sense deservingly so. I never wanted him to ever be hurt, nor be a "home wrecker", but I would have provided for her and her children even if he had not. She contended she needed to do it for herself and I agreed and said that I wouldn't ever let them go with out the necessities. Oh well, ALL responses are appreciated. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 Very seldom do people have lengthy affairs and then leave their spouse for the other. If it doesn't happen in the first year, it's not likely to happen at all. If somebody is having an affair because their marriage is boring, it's likely an affair will become boring as well after a few years so for many strategic reasons (children, finances, conscience, guilt, etc.) it's more expedient for someone to stay right where they are. I'm not one to play God, but when the Ten Commandments were delivered to Moses there were no reasons attached. Therefore, I will move it right along: Thou shalt not commit adultery...because if you do, you will hurt other people; you will hurt yourself; you may lose a lot of money and you could get murdered. If you're famous, you could get pictures of yourself and your paramour on the cover of National Enquirer. You could be humiliated; you could be used; you could be jerked around; you could become stalked; you could be subject to blackmale. In your case, since you're Catholic...if you forget to confess this, you could be sent to hell upon death (according to the most recently published Catechism.) In your Church, a sin cannot even be forgiven by a priest unless the person is truly repentent...and if you were truly sorry for your mortal sin of adultery you wouldn't be upset that it's over.) There are lots more reasons, too. I guess He didn't give the reasons because they all wouldn't fit on that tablet with the other nine commandments and the reasons for those too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tommyboy Posted September 19, 2003 Author Share Posted September 19, 2003 I appreciate your comments Tony. I have confessed and I am truly sorry for what I did. I am trying to take my heart out of this and it is so difficult. We were never really serious the first year. We quite frankly got quite serious by engaging in intercourse just 3 months ago. I with held until I knew she would be leaving him. Now, I know she isn't. I do pray for the burden to be taken away...and I think a bit of it has. I truly want to be happy in my life and I feel the steps I am taking as much as they have pained me are moving in the right direction. It is just very shocking and so disbelieving that we wouldn't be together. Something in all of this just doesn't make sense to me with regard to the feelings shared and her about face when she had her curtain call. I am fairly intelligent, and quite intuitive, but I guess I understand what is meant by the cliché "Love is blind". But wouldn't that and the feelings apply to her too? She has to be suffering. She has said as much months back how she feels guilty when he is even around him as she is in love with me. I am trying. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 Everything you do with a member of the opposite sex....or with anybody (friend, employer, business associate, etc.)...is subject to the human equation. People lie, people change their minds...so many people are just floating in space and taking things one minute at a time. You were in an emotional affair (that's everything short of inserting penis in vagina) with great expectations. When you are dealing with a person who is married, you simply can't expect anything at all. I'm only guessing this was an experience you had to go through to learn something. Her agenda and your agenda were simply two different things. All is positive if you've learned something. Forgive yourself and move on. I don't think you should have anymore contact with this woman unless you want to get jerked aroudn somemore. I know your pain is real and I'm sorry but it still amuses me that people can be so hurt because a person who is married to someone else won't see them anymore. I'm sorry to be amused at your expense. I wish you well and hope you will stick to the single and available ladies from here on out. There are just so many of them...and you seem like a good guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 I don't have the answer to your question but a statistic I hear quoted often is that only 5% of marriages which result from affairs succeed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tommyboy Posted September 19, 2003 Author Share Posted September 19, 2003 I heard it was 10% actually, and also heard the longer the affair, whether it is an emotional affair that turned long term has a better chance in staying together. Link to post Share on other sites
Abby Posted October 8, 2003 Share Posted October 8, 2003 Read my post " My boyfriend is my sister's ex". If I had the chance to do things differently I would have never left my husband for the other man. It was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life and I deeply hurt someone who loved me with all their heart. I am proof that an affair doesn't always lead to marriage with the other person. Abby Link to post Share on other sites
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