Feeling more guilt after things ended with MW

[FightClub]

When I first posted on this board, I didn't know what I was suppose to expect in terms of my story. I was confused and trying to learn more about my experience and compare it to similar but different stories.

 

Owl's story has shown me what it was like to be on the other side of the affair coin, the the spouse dealing with his wife possibly leaving him for someone she didn't truly know. Regardless of what I was told about her husband, I've come to the conclusion I don't know since it was only from one perspective.

 

As time is passing in NC I'm beginning to see more and more how selfish I was to allow myself to continue talking to my MW before we met up in person. Part of me believed that separated meant 'leaving' and that her marriage was already on it's way out.

 

But I hadn't thought of the possible effects our relationship would have on her, her spouse and their family as a whole.

 

What I'm trying to do now is reconcile with myself, I feel guilty for possibly being involved with her knowing she was married, ruining whatever hopes of sanctity she wanted to have in her marriage, the possible pain that will haunt her & her husband as time goes on. He cheated on her a few times, but it shouldn't have allowed us to follow the same path.

 

She and I both wanted to be loved and give love, in one form or another and our friendship was slowly but surely becoming more intimate, it was selfish for both of us to continue and I should have kept my moral code and walked away sooner.

 

I never want to experience this kind of pain again and I would never wish this kind of pain from the married persons perspective on anyone else again.

 

I've remained NC and only hope in the future, there can be some peace within the pain of falling in love with each other, it felt right in so many ways and wrong in every other way, I just want everyone to find closure.

 

She and I could very well have been incredible for each other but it was the wrong time to pursue such a relationship, I suppose both of us became selfish in the end, not really knowing what to expect at the end of the road.

 

I hope I can atone for this in the future and be a better man for someone else in the end.

 

-FC

Edited November 23, 2010 by FightClub

[whichwayisup]

First thing you need to do is forgive yourself. Then forgive her.

 

The timing was/is wrong and just because two people love eachother doesn't mean they belong together.

 

I hope you find the closure you need so you can heal and find love and happiness again.

[spice4life]

It's perfectly normal to feel this type of emotion while your grieving the loss of a relationship. It doesn't matter how it happened, it is still a loss none-the-less. Just don't allow yourself to get "stuck" there. As far as she is concerned, she is 100% responsible for her actions, her marriage, her everything. Feel the guilt if you must "for now" but understand you did not ruin anything for her - she is responsible for her own choices and not you.

 

Use this experience as a lesson to teach yourself about what it is that you really want and need in a partner.

 

Good luck!

Edited November 23, 2010 by spice4life

[East7]

Come on dude !

You can feel guilty because you think you "have stolen someone else's wife".

If it happened, she made it happen too ! You didn't put a gun in her head asking an affair. She was happy with it. She never said "stop".

 

I will never encourage affairs but yes it happens and better learn from it rather than being sorry.

[FightClub]

I appreciate all the advice & thoughts guys, I really do. This just seems more difficult since it got so deep in the end.

 

E7 - I know you feel where I've been and your right, I need to keep my head up and take responsibility for me, not her. I know I'll eventually get over this...it just seems to be taking more time to let go than I would have expected.

 

-FC

[hART]

I've never been the OW, but always the girlfriend of a man who strays. It isn't your fault their marriage broke up. I've found affairs are usually caused by something wrong in the original relationship. It is all on the wife who is slept with you, you are just unfortunate enough to be caught in the middle. I'm sorry it also happened to her, the fact her husband cheated is his fault. It is unfortunate you two met under such circumstances.

[FightClub]

A lot of the guilt has subsided the last few days since posting, trying to find more peace within myself at this point in the process. It's crazy how the emotions, the feelings involved can be so intense and then once it abruptly ends, the feelings of everything coming to a halt so suddenly, the withdrawal is just as intense.

 

I guess what really let me down was how the height of everything came about, you know, it's like that natural progression and then falling down afterward.

 

It just got too deep, the emotional/physical at the height of everything, just need to keep doing some soul searching and understand why/how I ended up at this point in my life.

 

I can't say it hasn't been a learning experience so far, I feel as if our meeting reignited some things in me I previously thought weren't there, maybe for the best. Who knows.

 

-FC

[Owl]

My advice would be to take this as a learning experience as you've mentioned.

 

You've learned a lot about relationships, about your own morals/boundaries/possible weaknesses.

 

Use that going forward to improve any future relationships you have.

 

Unfortunately, pain is one of the more effective teachers out there.

[ItsNeverForever]

FC,

 

Holy cow! I am impressed with the feelings/conclusions you've come up with in your time alone. Looks to me like you are doing VERY well for yourself in your healing, and I totally get where you're coming from in your statement about how your meeting her reignited things in you that had gone dormant...that's exactly how I feel about my "MM". You're coming away from this with some good stuff.

 

Spice4Life said something so true: "...understand you did not ruin anything for her - she is responsible for her own choices and not you." You can only be responsible for the part you played, and it sounds like you've got your ducks lined up, knowing that what you've learned from this will help you be a better man for someone else some day. I'm relieved to hear a man say this - sadly, I don't have much experience with men who are willing to own up to their mistakes and actually have a desire to be better in relationships. (Damn, reading that back, it really IS a sad statement...) But hearing you say it renews my hope in the idea that there really are good men out there somewhere...

 

WWIU's statement sticks with me the most: "...just because two people love each other doesn't mean they belong together." That statement needs no commentary, IMO.

 

Don't let the guilt eat you up - what's done is done, you've owned it and know that you won't ever do it again; the most important thing you can do for yourself right now is heal the emotional pain. You're doing really well just to admit it, and come here for support.

 

Keep it up!

[FightClub]

ItsNeverOver, I appreciate the thoughts. There are a lot of guys who are few and far inbetween but I have no doubt you'll find him when you are least expecting it, trust me. Expect the unexpected sometimes.

 

Part of the growing & learning from what I've been through so far has taught me that I have to see things from every perspective and own my reality even if the choices that were made aren't entirely clear until you see everything in hindsight.

 

Just know each everyone of the people in this community has helped and continue to help me find some clarity. Quite frankly, this has helped save me months of trying to 'figure things out', not until I researched and got responses from everyone here was I able to find ways to further improve, accept and finally start the healing process.

 

I don't think anything is ever perfect but I can accept it and move on with my head held high, that I'm going to continue to be a man who does more for others than he can do for himself and maybe, just maybe...Good things will happen as I continue my path of living, loving and learning however hard it may be.

 

Thank you.

 

-FC