long distance affair/ FWB of 5 years

[amber27]

I would really need to hear your insights over my situation, please!

I have been -on and off- in a friend with benefits situation for the last 6 years. Some background: I married very young and we (my husband and I) started grad school immediately after. The start of my marriage was not stellar- we were suddenly confronted with real problems-as we were grad students in a foreign country. During those times , we had big, violent fights, and couple of times, my husband became physically abusive.

 

Two years passed and one day, at a social gathering I met Steve, who was a foreign student as well. I was instantly attracted to him and being in a resentful state of mind towards my husband, I started a casual thing with Steve. I was seeing him everyday (as he was OUR single friend, coming everyday to our house to hang out all 3 of us...) and very soon I became not just attached, but hooked on him, but I was trying to be cool with the "rules" that he imposed quite brutally on me -that there will never be a question of "us" for him, although I'm very important to him. I agreed with this at that time, secretly hoping that he'll change his mind, he'll realize how perfect we are together on all levels. I fell in love with him and I felt miserable for not having my feelings reciprocated. I couldn't comprehend how in the world can he fail to realize what a great relationship we have in and out of bed , especially since, according to him, he was NOT seeing anybody else. This first made me insecure and then raised my suspicions.

 

So, one day I I managed to enter into his email account and found out about a long distance relationship of 2 years with a girl he met on a vacation (after our affair started); very flirtatious emails with his students , and dates he tried to arrange with local girls on facebook-all at the same time! I was completely in shock, I started seeing him in a different light, started reading about NPD, and, so we split.

 

Soon after, he started (as I found out later) a stable relationship with a girl while he managed to get under my skin again. He's saying he needs me in his life, now he's professing his love towards me, but he's also saying that he needs a relationship, and it happens to be with her. "Us" on the other hand, he says, can never happen, since he cannot destroy my husband. We talk daily on the phone (we graduated and moved to different places, she moved in with him), he says he wants to be a part of my life and all this madness is taking a huge toll on me. I feel a terrible guilt towards my husband- I care and love him, in spite of all this, but I never felt the passion and compatibility that I feel for Steve. The physical violence from the first years turned into silent treatment during fights ...so we still have huge issues to sort out.

 

Regarding Steve, I cannot come to terms with the fact that he used me as his **** buddy for all this time while I was offering my body and soul on a plate to him, and even though I love him deeply , I feel resentful and cannot move on with my life since I'm either longing for him or still hoping (yes, I'm that stupid..). I still feel wounded (sometimes I cry myself to sleep , still not being able to comprehend why her and not me??) even though more than 2 years passed since he started his relationship with that girl. On the other hand I crave to hear him everyday, I feel so complete, alive, and at ease when he's in my life, he's the one that "gets me". Currently, we live thousands of miles apart and still, he insists on talking and communicating every single day. As I said previously, he's telling me daily how much he misses me and loves me ? does this make any sense? Can this be true? Should I do the healthy thing and cut him off and focus on what I have in my life or should I try to keep him in my life at least as a friend?

[Star_Bright]

Should I do the healthy thing and cut him off and focus on what I have in my life or should I try to keep him in my life at least as a friend?

 

I vote for cutting him off and focusing on you, and I think you know this is the best option since you (rightfully) called it the "healthy thing."

 

I think you should take a deep look within because you seem to be blaming this OM when he was clear with you from the start. He only wanted to be FWB. You were hoping for more but you settled for that and now you are resentful at him about it?

 

Now you have what you wanted (OM wants a real relationship with you, not just FWB) and you want to stay married to your husband. Why would you stay with a man who is abusive? How can you say you love him if you were cheating on him with OM, and also pining for OM and being resentful that OM couldn't give you more?

 

This whole situation sounds very confusing and has obviously lasted a long time. I think you should examine your definition of love and IMO it would be ideal for you to be on your own for awhile without either of these guys to figure out who you are and what you want. Just my advice. Good luck.

[Star_Bright]

I rarely take the time to pick apart someone's post but yours has so much that jumps out at me that I feel compelled. I am not saying any of this to be mean or judge you (I was an OW until recently), but it seems to me like you're an intelligent woman and I can't understand why you've been doing these things. It might help me to pass on some things I've been thinking about and learned from other people here on the forum. If not, just ignore me.

 

During those times , we had big, violent fights, and couple of times, my husband became physically abusive.

 

Why did you stay with him?

 

Two years passed and one day, at a social gathering I met Steve, who was a foreign student as well. I was instantly attracted to him and being in a resentful state of mind towards my husband, I started a casual thing with Steve.

 

"Resentful." You mention this later on about Steve. Do you not see that you *choose* to do these things (stay with an abusive husband, accept a FWB situation with another guy), and then resent the other person and use that as an excuse to make more bad decisions that negatively impact your quality of life?

 

I was seeing him everyday (as he was OUR single friend, coming everyday to our house to hang out all 3 of us...) and very soon I became not just attached, but hooked on him, but I was trying to be cool with the "rules" that he imposed quite brutally on me -that there will never be a question of "us" for him, although I'm very important to him.

 

 

Why did you continue in a relationship that was less than satisfactory for you and with someone who you feel "brutally imposed rules" on you?

 

I agreed with this at that time, secretly hoping that he'll change his mind, he'll realize how perfect we are together on all levels. I fell in love with him and I felt miserable for not having my feelings reciprocated. I couldn't comprehend how in the world can he fail to realize what a great relationship we have in and out of bed , especially since, according to him, he was NOT seeing anybody else. This first made me insecure and then raised my suspicions.

 

What did you have to be suspicious about? He had clearly told you he only wanted FWB. Plus, you were married. Did he ever promise you exclusivity/fidelity, or what do you mean when you say you had "suspicions" about him?

 

 

 

So, one day I I managed to enter into his email account

 

 

Wow. Why would you do this?? This is a total invasion of his privacy. He's not even your husband or boyfriend. He's just this guy you were FWB with. Wow.

 

and found out about a long distance relationship of 2 years with a girl he met on a vacation (after our affair started); very flirtatious emails with his students , and dates he tried to arrange with local girls on facebook-all at the same time! I was completely in shock, I started seeing him in a different light, started reading about NPD, and, so we split.

 

 

Why did these things make you see him in a different light? He was willing to help you cheat on your husband, even when he was your husband's friend. He told you he only wanted FWB. What made you think he had no right to date other people when you were married and he was telling you straight up that there could be no real relationship between the two of you??

 

Soon after, he started (as I found out later) a stable relationship with a girl while he managed to get under my skin again.

 

He managed because you *let* him. It's your skin and no one can get under it without your permission. I only say this because you talk about your life and your decisions as if they belong to someone else and they're not yours. They are yours.

 

He's saying he needs me in his life, now he's professing his love towards me, but he's also saying that he needs a relationship, and it happens to be with her. "Us" on the other hand, he says, can never happen, since he cannot destroy my husband.

 

 

Okay I read this part wrong before and took it to mean that he wanted to be with you for real but you didn't want to destroy your husband. Anyway. This guy is just as confused as you sound. He wants you on the side only. That isn't love, it's obsession or ego or something but not love. And if he thinks he's not destroying your husband, he's fooling himself!

 

We talk daily on the phone (we graduated and moved to different places, she moved in with him), he says he wants to be a part of my life and all this madness is taking a huge toll on me. I feel a terrible guilt towards my husband- I care and love him, in spite of all this, but I never felt the passion and compatibility that I feel for Steve. The physical violence from the first years turned into silent treatment during fights ...so we still have huge issues to sort out.

 

What do you mean by you "love" him? You've been cheating on him for five years and you want this douchebag Steve's love. It sounds to me like for the last five years you would have dumped your husband in a heartbeat if Steve were willing to give you something more than FWB. So what do you mean by "love"? You like the comfort and familiarity? You don't want to be alone? You don't want to hurt him? (You're already hurting him, he just might not know it yet. He probably senses it but doesn't know what's really up). I just don't understand your definition of "love".

 

Regarding Steve, I cannot come to terms with the fact that he used me as his **** buddy for all this time while I was offering my body and soul on a plate to him, and even though I love him deeply , I feel resentful and cannot move on with my life since I'm either longing for him or still hoping (yes, I'm that stupid..).

 

You should be upset with yourself, not Steve. You're the one who offered your body and soul on a plate *after* he told you honestly that he didn't want a real relationship. How in the world is this Steve's fault? And, like I was asking above, how could you really love your husband and be offering yourself up body and soul to another guy??

 

These are your choices. You have to recognize that and own them in order for anything to get better.

 

 

I still feel wounded (sometimes I cry myself to sleep , still not being able to comprehend why her and not me??)

 

 

Because, as Steve told you, you are married to his friend, and have been since you met Steve, and he's not interested in destroying a marriage, even though he's helping you do that indirectly. He doesn't want to be in a real relationship with someone who was married to his friend, but he just wants you on the side. And you allowed it, even after he told you his intentions.

 

even though more than 2 years passed since he started his relationship with that girl. On the other hand I crave to hear him everyday, I feel so complete, alive, and at ease when he's in my life, he's the one that "gets me". Currently, we live thousands of miles apart and still, he insists on talking and communicating every single day. As I said previously, he's telling me daily how much he misses me and loves me ? does this make any sense? Can this be true? Should I do the healthy thing and cut him off and focus on what I have in my life or should I try to keep him in my life at least as a friend?

 

Ask yourself why someone who doesn't want to be in a real relationship with you is the one you crave, the one that makes you feel complete and alive, and is the one who "gets you." Not the husband you say you love. Not yourself, from within. But this guy who has made it clear to you who he is and what he wants (you on the side) and doesn't want (a real relationship with you).

 

Your relationship with Steve is toxic to you and I think you need to recognize that and cut him out of your life. I think you have been letting yourself live in this hell (it sounds like complete hell to me) but that you are capable of breaking free and figuring out what will really make you happy, because it's *not* pining over this guy who still doesn't want to be with you for realz!

 

Good luck.

[East7]

I have had a similar experience- I have been in Steve's shoes except that I invested in a relationship with a MW that ended with pain for both of us.

 

I think he is being honest with you and he has the right to have a girlfriend as long as you don't belong to him but to your husband. He might love you genuinely but he is being realistic : why longing for a married woman while he can have a single and available girl ?

He is putting his boundaries and and that's fair.

 

This kind of relationship can be very hurtful for both of you as long as you stay married.

 

I don't think you really love your husband as you fell in love with someone else. Why would you stay in an unhappy M ?

You have to pick either stay with your husband or be available for Steve or someone else, doing both with cause only pain.

[amber27]

Star_bright, I really appreciate your insights and the fact that you put your time and effort into this!

You raised some very good questions -some of them took me by surprise, they stroke a sensitive chord ( for instance, your comment about me being resentful of others for situations I created. Am I refusing to take responsibility for my own actions/decisions? That's smth I'll have to think about...)

 

I do acknowledge that I tend to ambivalent, generally speaking. That's why I kept on staying in my marriage after the first serious fights (I was rationalizing the situation: we were under a lot of stress as we started everything from scratch in a new country/ maybe it was an accident/ I never saw that side of my husband before we got married , etc). Plus , yeah, I didn't have the guts at that time to divorce him. But I started distancing emotionally from him in order to protect myself thinking that my career should be my priority.

 

Why I accepted Steve's rules: first couple of months I wasn't sure what I was getting into, I never had had an affair before! Then, the more time we spent together, the harder I was falling for him. We spent a great deal of time as friends, almost every night we were eating together/going out/discussing various topics. We had an amazing intellectual chemistry, not only a physical one.

 

Believe it or not, I do care a lot about my husband: we have common roots, we've been through so many things together, in tough times and good times. I don't know what I would have done if Steve would have asked me to leave my husband: I was craving for his love, that I couldn't get, I was fixated on this and couldn't think at the next step that would have followed. Steve started telling me that he loves me only very recently, after we both graduated and this became a long distance thing. ( Isn't that convenient for him to say only now? Why now?)

 

Regarding the exclusivity: yes, we had some sort of agreement: the "deal" was smth like this: there's no official relationship, but he's not sleeping with anybody else as long as he's sleeping with me.

 

Snooping into his email account : definitely not my proudest moment; I was growing more and more insecure and to why is he keeping me at a certain distance emotionally even though I'm doing my best and he spends a lot of time with me?! Not an excuse, I know...

 

What I cannot comprehend is why he insists on having this long distance relationship with me when he has her at home. I wish I could believe that he loves me , but then, why did he choose to live with somebody else?

 

As I said you raised some serious topics for me think about...

[amber27]

That's exactly his argument too: he has a right to have a girlfriend and a normal life. I agree with that. But why he never considered me for that role? Did you consider being officially with your MW?

And if he wants that normal life, why does he insist on having me in it?

 

If it's not too much to ask- are you still in contact with her? Did you love her?

[East7]

That's exactly his argument too: he has a right to have a girlfriend and a normal life. I agree with that. But why he never considered me for that role? Did you consider being officially with your MW?

And if he wants that normal life, why does he insist on having me in it?

 

If it's not too much to ask- are you still in contact with her? Did you love her?

 

Not sure the question is directed to me but I'm answering.

 

Yes I genuinely loved my MW and I wanted her in my life, have a decent full-time relationship but we are in distance and things are very complicated. We are now NC.

 

If Steve is still emotionally attached to you though the distance, probably it's because his feelings are true. Ask the question : Why on Earth a guy would want a MW zillions of miles away if he can't enjoy seeing/meeting her ? Why would he waste his time with someone he can't see and touch while he has a life and a girlfriend ?

 

On the other side he doesn't want to invest in a R with someone who is always married and that makes perfect sense.

[East7]

Believe it or not, I do care a lot about my husband: we have common roots, we've been through so many things together, in tough times and good times. I don't know what I would have done if Steve would have asked me to leave my husband: I was craving for his love, that I couldn't get, I was fixated on this and couldn't think at the next step that would have followed. Steve started telling me that he loves me only very recently, after we both graduated and this became a long distance thing. ( Isn't that convenient for him to say only now? Why now?)

 

It is always very confusing to leave someone who is very familiar and with who you have shared years of your life - your H - but that doesn't necessarily mean LOVE, it can be simply AFFECTION for someone who has been in your life.

Love and affection are two different feelings and often people don't make the difference.

 

 

Regarding the exclusivity: yes, we had some sort of agreement: the "deal" was smth like this: there's no official relationship, but he's not sleeping with anybody else as long as he's sleeping with me.

 

Well, thats funny, because you asked him exclusivity while you sleep with your H. That's selfish !

 

 

What I cannot comprehend is why he insists on having this long distance relationship with me when he has her at home. I wish I could believe that he loves me , but then, why did he choose to live with somebody else?

 

Already answered. He wants to keep contact as he wants something to hope for. BUT he has the right to live with someone else, does he owes you fidelity ? What are you offering him ? Almost nothing !

[fooled once]

I rarely take the time to pick apart someone's post but yours has so much that jumps out at me that I feel compelled. I am not saying any of this to be mean or judge you (I was an OW until recently), but it seems to me like you're an intelligent woman and I can't understand why you've been doing these things. It might help me to pass on some things I've been thinking about and learned from other people here on the forum. If not, just ignore me.

 

 

 

Why did you stay with him?

 

 

 

"Resentful." You mention this later on about Steve. Do you not see that you *choose* to do these things (stay with an abusive husband, accept a FWB situation with another guy), and then resent the other person and use that as an excuse to make more bad decisions that negatively impact your quality of life?

 

 

 

Why did you continue in a relationship that was less than satisfactory for you and with someone who you feel "brutally imposed rules" on you?

 

 

 

What did you have to be suspicious about? He had clearly told you he only wanted FWB. Plus, you were married. Did he ever promise you exclusivity/fidelity, or what do you mean when you say you had "suspicions" about him?

 

 

 

 

Wow. Why would you do this?? This is a total invasion of his privacy. He's not even your husband or boyfriend. He's just this guy you were FWB with. Wow.

 

 

 

Why did these things make you see him in a different light? He was willing to help you cheat on your husband, even when he was your husband's friend. He told you he only wanted FWB. What made you think he had no right to date other people when you were married and he was telling you straight up that there could be no real relationship between the two of you??

 

 

 

He managed because you *let* him. It's your skin and no one can get under it without your permission. I only say this because you talk about your life and your decisions as if they belong to someone else and they're not yours. They are yours.

 

 

 

Okay I read this part wrong before and took it to mean that he wanted to be with you for real but you didn't want to destroy your husband. Anyway. This guy is just as confused as you sound. He wants you on the side only. That isn't love, it's obsession or ego or something but not love. And if he thinks he's not destroying your husband, he's fooling himself!

 

 

 

What do you mean by you "love" him? You've been cheating on him for five years and you want this douchebag Steve's love. It sounds to me like for the last five years you would have dumped your husband in a heartbeat if Steve were willing to give you something more than FWB. So what do you mean by "love"? You like the comfort and familiarity? You don't want to be alone? You don't want to hurt him? (You're already hurting him, he just might not know it yet. He probably senses it but doesn't know what's really up). I just don't understand your definition of "love".

 

 

 

You should be upset with yourself, not Steve. You're the one who offered your body and soul on a plate *after* he told you honestly that he didn't want a real relationship. How in the world is this Steve's fault? And, like I was asking above, how could you really love your husband and be offering yourself up body and soul to another guy??

 

These are your choices. You have to recognize that and own them in order for anything to get better.

 

 

 

Because, as Steve told you, you are married to his friend, and have been since you met Steve, and he's not interested in destroying a marriage, even though he's helping you do that indirectly. He doesn't want to be in a real relationship with someone who was married to his friend, but he just wants you on the side. And you allowed it, even after he told you his intentions.

 

 

 

Ask yourself why someone who doesn't want to be in a real relationship with you is the one you crave, the one that makes you feel complete and alive, and is the one who "gets you." Not the husband you say you love. Not yourself, from within. But this guy who has made it clear to you who he is and what he wants (you on the side) and doesn't want (a real relationship with you).

 

Your relationship with Steve is toxic to you and I think you need to recognize that and cut him out of your life. I think you have been letting yourself live in this hell (it sounds like complete hell to me) but that you are capable of breaking free and figuring out what will really make you happy, because it's *not* pining over this guy who still doesn't want to be with you for realz!

 

Good luck.

 

Excellent post SB.

 

I also see a lot of "blaming others" and not owning the choices the OP made.

 

She is CHOOSING to be a FWB and she is CHOOSING to be in contact with him. She can easily NOT answer the phone or NOT respond to emails. So to say he is "insisting" they communicate every day is kinda silly to me.

 

 

That's exactly his argument too: he has a right to have a girlfriend and a normal life. I agree with that. But why he never considered me for that role? Did you consider being officially with your MW?

And if he wants that normal life, why does he insist on having me in it?

 

If it's not too much to ask- are you still in contact with her? Did you love her?

 

Because YOU are MARRIED to his friend. YOU ARE MARRIED, that could easily be why he chose someone else. Also, maybe he only sees you as FWB material and not girlfriend material?

 

The point is, he has someone and you have a husband. If you want to be with Steve, divorce your H and see if Steve wants to be with you instead of just a FWB situation.

[spice4life]

That's exactly his argument too: he has a right to have a girlfriend and a normal life. I agree with that. But why he never considered me for that role? Did you consider being officially with your MW?

And if he wants that normal life, why does he insist on having me in it?

 

If it's not too much to ask- are you still in contact with her? Did you love her?

 

I was in Steve's situation with someone and can offer an opinion from his side of things. Truth is, you are M and he cannot allow himself to consider you for that role. If you are showing no signs of leaving your M, why would he even think of you as a "normal" relationship option? He can't because you are M. The only way he could possibly consider you for this role is if you were taking the steps to end your M so you can be free and fully available. Yes, he may love you, yes, he wants you in his life, but he has to lock certain expectations away as long as you are M and are not showing any signs of changing that.

 

A's force people to live in a world that goes against normal relationship evolution. There are areas you can't touch, if you consciously choose to accept the situation, that you normally would be allowed to under normal "relationship" circumstances.

 

If you really want to know the answers you should just come out and ask him. You could be interpreting what he is saying differently than what he really means. If the two of you talk everyday then it shouldn't be a difficult conversation. The other reason he thinks you can't be might have to do with him being friends with your H. But, that's kinda silly since he is having sex with you. What he is doing now will hurt your H just as much as you leaving the M for him - if there is a D-Day that is. This is the kind of murky thinking A's create. None of it is based on logic because it can't be. I think that is why many refer to it as A "fog."

 

I would stop the invasion of his privacy no matter what happens. Not a cool thing to do no matter how you spin it.

Edited November 7, 2010 by spice4life
because i keep finding mistakes. :)

[alexandria35]

That's exactly his argument too: he has a right to have a girlfriend and a normal life. I agree with that. But why he never considered me for that role? Did you consider being officially with your MW?

And if he wants that normal life, why does he insist on having me in it?

 

If it's not too much to ask- are you still in contact with her? Did you love her?

 

 

Perhaps he never considered you for that role because he has watched you cheat on your husband with your husbands friend for the past 5 years. He might think that any woman that would do this is not trustworthy and not someone he would want a real relationship with. Yes it is hypocritical thinking as he has also been willing to sleep with his friends wife for years, but I suspect that a lot of men are hypocrites when it comes to things of this nature. They want a woman who will be loyal and trustworthy but don't hold themselves to the same standards.

[bestplayer]

Perhaps he never considered you for that role because he has watched you cheat on your husband with your husbands friend for the past 5 years. He might think that any woman that would do this is not trustworthy and not someone he would want a real relationship with. Yes it is hypocritical thinking as he has also been willing to sleep with his friends wife for years, but I suspect that a lot of men are hypocrites when it comes to things of this nature. They want a woman who will be loyal and trustworthy but don't hold themselves to the same standards.

 

very true

 

Best of luck

Edited November 7, 2010 by bestplayer

[spice4life]

Perhaps he never considered you for that role because he has watched you cheat on your husband with your husbands friend for the past 5 years. He might think that any woman that would do this is not trustworthy and not someone he would want a real relationship with. Yes it is hypocritical thinking as he has also been willing to sleep with his friends wife for years, but I suspect that a lot of men are hypocrites when it comes to things of this nature. They want a woman who will be loyal and trustworthy but don't hold themselves to the same standards.

 

So true. Amber, this is a very real possibility.

 

You should look at yourself amber and try to figure out why you ended up in this situation to begin with. If you are unhappy in your M then you need to stand up and do the right thing about it. Playing around with this guy is only distracting you from facing the truth about you and the state of your M. Face the real facts and the right answers will surface to help guide you along the way.

 

Good luck to you.