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What do I do? Should I tell her?


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

 
 
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Old 1st August 2003, 3:53 PM   #1
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Question What do I do? Should I tell her?

I just broke up with the man I've been dating for 3 months because I found out that he has a fiancee. He fed me a bunch of lies during the relationship - and right before I found out the truth, and he had told me that he loved me. Not "I'm in love with you," but "I love you."

Long story short - once i found out, he told me they got engaged 2 years ago, were 'seeing other people' now while they lived long distance, and gave me the impression that he wasn't quite sure what to do. I bought it, but I decided to let him go anyway.

NOW - I just found his wedding website and found out the REAL truth - they got engaged 3 weeks before he met me. In addition, I met him online and his profile picture is HALF OF THEIR ENGAGMENT PICTURE.

This is trainwreck waiting to happen. She's moving here in 6 weeks and they're getting married in the spring. I was planning to exit gracefully and just never speak to him again, let him live his life with her, but this new information is so sick and twisted that now I feel AWFUL for her.

I don't know what to do. Tell her and maybe look like a vindictive bitch but let her deal with the information or just walk away? What if I found one of her friends or relatives and told them so that they could decide what to do?

Seriously, DO I TELL HER?
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Old 1st August 2003, 4:27 PM   #2
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I think you'd be doing her a favor by telling her. Why should this punk get away with treating two girls like this? Tell her!!! I would. Even if she doesn't believe you, at least you tried. Do you have any evidence? Do everything you can....she has the right to know before she marries him..I mean, wouldn't you want to know?
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Old 1st August 2003, 4:32 PM   #3
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happily you're not on that train anymore

Usually I think it's best to stay out of such situations. You do seem to be pretty clear about your motives, that you'd be telling her for her sake and not to wreak revenge on him. But still, it's no longer your problem. Hard to say how things will go for them once they're in the same city, and living as man and wife. Maybe he won't feel the need to stray. Maybe he will. It's their problem

However, if his profile is still up on the dating site, you might want to send an anonymous email to his fiancee directing her to the profile. Then she can deal with the info as she will without you having to be involved.

By the way, how and why did you find his wedding website? Like I said, you seem to have your head on straight vis a vis getting revenge on him by hurting her (not good, not fair, often backfires), but do make sure that's really the case before you do anyting (if you do anything).
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Old 1st August 2003, 4:41 PM   #4
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I disagree. Be thankful that the jerk is out of your life. Their relationship is none of your business. If he's an *******, she will find out sooner than later. Be thankful that you didn't get in deeper. This is too much of a huge thing for you to drop on an innocent person. If you really want to see right done, tell him to do right by her...although he does not sound like the type of person that has much of a conscience. The universe works things out so that people like this guy get theirs. You don't need to play the role of redemption woman...close that book and enjoy your new life.
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Old 1st August 2003, 4:44 PM   #5
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Send an email to the webmaster or owner of the dating site his picture is on, let them know he told you he loved you even though he is engaged and that the picture he has posted is half of his engagement picture, and copy his fiance and everybody else you know. If that doesn't castrate his future for a while, nothing will. Do nothing more. It's just not worth it.

I know this is mean but you deserve some sort of fun for having been deceived. Do not put Preparation H in his toothpaste tube.
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Old 1st August 2003, 4:46 PM   #6
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i'm trying to be fair about this

I really was ready just to walk away from it, brace myself for an inevitable run-in on the street and just concentrate on getting better, but I'm just so conflicted about this new news.

I found the website because I'm a tad masochistic about this stuff - I wanted to find their engagement announcement (I expected it to be in old old newspaper files) so that I might be able to see what she looked like, so I'd be more ready for the run-in in the neighborhood.

It really isn't revenge, I don't think. If I were to do that, I could just email him with the website and put the fear of god in him that I MIGHT spill the beans to her.

I'll definitely try to separate out my feelings before I do anything, though. I think your advice is great on that point. I just can't get over the fact that he was online, looking for dates less than 3 weeks after this elaborate proposal (as detailed on the website). If I were her, it would break my heart in a million pieces.

Oh - He's not on the dating website anymore. We both took our profiles off when things were going well in our relationship. I have an old version of something he posted, but not the original.

Last edited by dramaqueen_35; 1st August 2003 at 4:49 PM..
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Old 1st August 2003, 4:51 PM   #7
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Ignorance is bliss?

You said it would break your heart into a million pieces. At least her knowing would give her the option to have a broken heart. If she doesn't know, she will stupidly be getting herself married to this cheater, but how long before he cheats again and still she will remain blissfully ignorant. At least if she finds out now she won't have to go through legal proceedings to get a divorce.

Last edited by GoldenWonder; 1st August 2003 at 5:00 PM..
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