Ending my A w/ MM, he just doesn't know it yet

[Ella whispers]

I went into this thinking that because I know he is unavailable that I wouldn't develop feelings for him. I told him from the beginning that I never wanted him to leave his wife and would never cause him any hurt by telling her or anyone else and I never have. The affair lasted a year.

We clicked when we met, we were good friends, he was there for me through a hard time in my career and I trusted him as my friend. He started coming on to me and it went from there. He treated me well knowing that I had just come out of a 12 year relationship that was abusive in every way that one can be. I am not and have never been married.

He said that he had never cheated on his wife of 5 years, they have no children, just that she wasn't sleeping with him etc... Looking back he just said everything I wanted to hear. We agreed that whenever it ended that we would remain friends because we were close. He called me his sanity. He said that his marriage was intolerable and I made it easier to stay married. In a lot of ways we were always open and honest with each other. He didn't like that I still dated but never complained as long as I wasn't sleeping with anyone. I told him that if I ever did get into a relationship with someone and that relationship became sexual that I would tell him out of respect for him and because we were not using condoms. I asked the same of him in return and he said that there was never anyone before me and there would be no one after me.

Over the past week he pushed me beyond my limits. I had heard rumors that he was spending a lot of time with another woman but everyone holds him in high regard and he proclaims how much he loves his wife and would never cheat on her, he has everyone else as snowed as he had me.

I started paying attention to where he was. I saw that he was indeed having lunches and dinners with this woman, who is also married, and basically acting with her the way he had with me before the affair started.

I sent him a text message asking if we could start using condoms again because of what I had heard and what was seeing. He got very angry and didn't speak to me for 2 days. When I saw that he was with her the next time I sent another saying you can do better than her and he came looking for me. He caught me in my office alone and we had a fight for about 2 hours. That fight ended with him convincing me that they were friends, he was not attracted to her, I was "burning the bridge" of our friendship by not taking him at his word, my "jealousy" was out of control, and not to question him anymore. That night he came to my house and we had sex for the last time.

The night before last I saw that he was having dinner with her again. I went there to see how they acted towards each other, not to confront him. When he saw he he turned beet red and blabbered on. I made small talk with both of them ( I know her but we are not friends), bought a drink from the mom and pop place and left. I'm sure he saw my hands shaking and the expression on my face surely told him that I was angry. They were sitting very close and when I approached the table she scooted away ever so slightly and put her hands under the table. That to me says way more than his words ever will. I read body language well and it never lies.

We worked the same schedule but I asked that my schedule be changed for personal reasons so now I will work opposite of him and his new girl.

I can't bear to watch him chase her and I hope that the distance of it will help me to heal. I don't care if he knows that he hurt me, so what? I hurt he won. I don't play the hurt game. There will be times that I will have to see him for work related reasons but I will keep up appearances in front of our co workers.

He is a very boisterous person and loves attention and joking around, we always had a good banter and he said that he loved that I gave it back to him because no one else had yet when we were alone I was submissive.

I know that part of me wants him to chase me again, I want the upper hand and to know that he can't get me back, he can't have any more of me. The best thing that I can do is take away what he liked the most. He hates to be ignored and I will avoid and ignore him as much as possible unless people are around the I will act "normal".

I have been thinking a lot about when he catches me alone to ask what happened. He wants that rise out of me and I will just let him say whatever he wants to say and just say "Are you done because I am."

I don't feel that I owe him an explanation, he knows. Maybe he won't ask which would be even better. There's just nothing left to say.

I pity this new girl. I was envious because I miss our conversations and the friendship that we had. I regret that it even happened. As strange as it sounds I even pity his wife. This is her hurt not mine and I need to keep telling myself that.

I want him to miss me. I want him to hurt the way that I do, I think that's normal. I hope it is anyway.

[jennie-jennie]

That sounds perfectly normal to me. Take care of yourself. How disappointing for the relationship to end in such a way with him moving on to another OW. And lying about it.

 

(((((Ella)))))

Edited March 29, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Sounds like this guy is a serial cheater. He's loves the chase and the acquisition to the point that he will risk anything to get it. Find a real friend to replace him with, he's a liar and a con artist and would have you believe that YOU are crazy, YOU are in the wrong, and that YOU are responsible for the demise of the relationship. He's not who you thought he was. If you want to be used by him stick around, otherwise ignore him. YES, it will drive him crazy, because narcissist can't stand to be ignored.

[JustJoe]

One question. Why is it that OM/OW'S get so bent out of shape, when their AP's find another partner? Isn't it being delusional to believe that you and your AP have an exclusive arrangement? Okay, that's two questions.

[Woman In Blue]

He said that he had never cheated on his wife of 5 years, they have no children, just that she wasn't sleeping with him etc... Looking back he just said everything I wanted to hear.

LOL...welcome to chapter #6 of the MM Handbook.

 

He didn't like that I still dated but never complained as long as I wasn't sleeping with anyone. I told him that if I ever did get into a relationship with someone and that relationship became sexual that I would tell him out of respect for him and because we were not using condoms.

So this guy had no qualms about putting his wife's sexual health at risk by having sex with different women (because it's obvious he's a serial cheater and your post proves it) YET he insisted on some kind of twisted loyalty from you that you wouldn't do the same thing to him that he was doing to his wife? LOL....what a jerk-off.

 

 

That night he came to my house and we had sex for the last time.

Puke. Seriously - puke. I hope this is the last time you make a collassal mistake like that.

 

I want him to miss me. I want him to hurt the way that I do, I think that's normal. I hope it is anyway.

It's quite clear he's moved on. People like him aren't capable of feeling hurt or remorse or empathy because they're too busy being selfish *******s. PLEASE remember that when you're feeling weak or hurt, ok?

[Pink_orchid]

The fight between you two was not your fault, he's trying to twist it round to blame you so that he doesn't have to take any responsibility for his own nasty behaviour. I feel like you had a lucky escape really. But you are hurt at the moment, and you won't see that just yet. I am sorry for your pain, yes ignore him, he will hate that, act like you don't care, that is the best revenge. He may even try his chances again with you when he gets bored with the new woman. Hopefully you will tell him where to go and will have someone nice by then.

[Ella whispers]

Thank you for the responses.

I'm a sucker, I admit it all the way. I deserve how I feel and when karma bites me I deserve that too.

I'm not bent out of shape with him, it's me that I'm angry with. I should have seen it coming and I didn't.

These are my feelings, I own them and I have to deal with them. It makes me feel undesirable because he went after someone else when I did everything he wanted whenever he wanted. I did it because I wanted to and I believe that when you are with someon you should do everything you can to make that person happy.

I was delusional to believe the things that he said to me. I guess I just had to fall for him to SEE him.

It's hard because I am going to miss the relationship that we had before and after the affair but I was fine before him and I will be fine after him.

[Ella whispers]

Yes it was a mistake that night. I think deep down I knew it was over after that fight, about 4 days ago or so was when that happened.

It was a mistake to listen to his tales and to do what we did when he showed up after.

[franie]

oh Ella honey I am so sorry you have to endure this and I certainly understand how you feel. I also admire you for the dignity in ending your A with mm. I was not this dignified and as a matter of fact the argument that led to me outing my xmm was him telling me that if I refused him sex that he would move onto find another ow to have sex with. THAT was a slap in the face and the FINAL straw of disrespect! it is not a mm/ow to expect exclusivity(sp) but when a mm lies about his exclusivity to ow ALL BETS ARE OFF!!

 

from the very beginning i told mm if i found out there were others i would DEFINITLEY out him to his W and he AGREED and assured me that i had nothing to worry about. i will admit it is highly nieve to think mm will lie to his w and not to ow! "if he cheats with you, he will cheat on you" This has been tried and proven a million times. believe it.

[jennie-jennie]

One question. Why is it that OM/OW'S get so bent out of shape, when their AP's find another partner? Isn't it being delusional to believe that you and your AP have an exclusive arrangement? Okay, that's two questions.

 

See, Joe, I have been with serial cheaters. I was the BS of my two long term SOs who were both serial cheaters. My MM is not a serial cheater. He is more faithful to me than any of the two SOs ever were. It is not the marital bond that determines fidelity.

[Ella whispers]

Thank you jthorne. I appreciate that.

I have been NC for 2 days which isn't unusual on my days off.

I'm sort of dreading work at this point though.

[Ella whispers]

Thank you even more for that!

[fooled once]

Thank you for the responses.

I'm a sucker, I admit it all the way. I deserve how I feel and when karma bites me I deserve that too.

I'm not bent out of shape with him, it's me that I'm angry with. I should have seen it coming and I didn't.

These are my feelings, I own them and I have to deal with them. It makes me feel undesirable because he went after someone else when I did everything he wanted whenever he wanted. I did it because I wanted to and I believe that when you are with someon you should do everything you can to make that person happy.

I was delusional to believe the things that he said to me. I guess I just had to fall for him to SEE him.

It's hard because I am going to miss the relationship that we had before and after the affair but I was fine before him and I will be fine after him.

 

So when he comes slithering back, you will take him back, right?

 

Your post screams how much you still want him. You went so far as to stalk him and this other person.

 

You had unprotected sex with him -- and I would bet he was still having sex with his wife. Get an STD check. Hopefully, he hasn't given you something to last a lifetime.

 

Let him go. He was never yours to begin with. It sounds like you majorly feel for him and since he was married, hindsight is 20/20 and you hopefully learned to NEVER get involved with a married man again.

 

All you can do is control YOUR actions. Doesn't matter what he is or isn't doing nor who he is doing...what matters is how you react to it.

 

Good luck.

[Ella whispers]

So when he comes slithering back, you will take him back, right?

 

Your post screams how much you still want him. You went so far as to stalk him and this other person.

 

You had unprotected sex with him -- and I would bet he was still having sex with his wife. Get an STD check. Hopefully, he hasn't given you something to last a lifetime.

 

Let him go. He was never yours to begin with. It sounds like you majorly feel for him and since he was married, hindsight is 20/20 and you hopefully learned to NEVER get involved with a married man again.

 

All you can do is control YOUR actions. Doesn't matter what he is or isn't doing nor who he is doing...what matters is how you react to it.

 

Good luck.

 

 

I will not let him get me back. I see him for who he really is now whereas before I didn't. I didn't stalk him, I wanted to see how they acted together and I did. I changed my schedule to avoid him, if I planned on stalking him it wouldn't be hard to do. I will go and get tested, I did before we had unprotected sex, as did he because I wouldn't unless he did. I got an IUD to prevent pregnancy even. I hope he hasn't given me something either, that would be the "keep my mouth shut" deal breaker. I'd go righ to his wife then as well as his latest conquest.

I have never been a fixer in a relationship I'm a finisher. When it doesn't work I'm done. It's only been 2 days since I made the decision to stop seeing him. I never wanted to keep him. I would never trust him. I never wanted or asked him to leave his wife. I'm not ready for a relationship after my last one, he is not someone that I would ever be with.

I'm have done and am doing everything that I can to avoid him.

I will miss feeling special and I admit that I fell for him.

Trust me, I wish I were the type of woman that can NOT have those emotions but I don't let them control me.

I would never, ever let myself get involved like that again with him or anyone else.

I guess I figured that if I were the OW then I couldn't be cheated on and he proved me wrong.

Monogamy is a myth.

 

P.S Thank you for that post, it's well written and very accurate.

Edited March 30, 2010 by Ella whispers
Forgot to thank her