Been keeping NC for awhile now but having a low morning-- just venting

[alg24]

Hello everyone.

 

MM and I have been keeping NC for awhile now... But this morning I am having a rough time...

 

I remember how much happier I use to be before the A. How bitter, lost, scared, and angry I am. I cannot let go of the memories- good and bad. I am filled with so much pain. During the A I was so beyond lonely and depressed. After the A (now) I am lonely, depressed, and angry. I cannot find true happiness anywhere. I try really hard to not feel sorry for myself. Enjoy life.

 

I just remember everything... He and I spoke 3 weeks ago? The A has been over for a couple months.. We both live in the same small town. Its very difficult.

 

Before the A was over he and W were very much over but having the two younger children he would stay over the house in the guest room. His life was all over the place and honestly it was a pathetic way to live. Sometimes he was living with me, clothes all over the place (my house, W's house, tons in the car) I was miserable. He was difficult to be around sometimes. But I really cared about him.

 

W lost her job so his job is paying for her housing. He views it as his home because he is paying for it but I know 100% she does not like him there. She is trying to make it through until he leaves for 6 months.

 

Anyway, that is not my business. But when we were together it was so painful. I knew things were not good at home. He would call me sometimes at night and tell me big problems, can he come over and sleep...

 

Anyway, its done and over but still hurts beyond. I remember when he was telling me he was to remain single after the D. He doesn't want anymore problems with girls. He wants to stay single and be everything for his children (I respect the children and want him to be everything for them) If he wanted to remain single why did he keep coming around?? We had so much history, problems, baggage-- just forget me and move on. I am 21 years old-- let me live my life (don't ruin my young years)

 

And while he was telling me he wanted to stay single he was making sure I was not enjoying my single life. He told me I could do whatever I wanted but don't lie to him. If I wanted to sleep with other people maybe I am tired of us and wanted to try something knew. He would visit me 1-2 a daily usually, call a bunch, call me before going to sleep.

 

Anyway I am talking all over the place and I doubt making much sense. The pain is just beyond raw.

 

People entertaining an A do not do it. Its such a lonely painful road. I wish I never did it. All season I dealt with his bull****. I never went out was never social. Now I am bitter and want to be left alone.

 

Thank you everyone for reading

[alg24]

Hi!

 

Funny.. I was talking to a close friend today (After I posted on LS I felt I need to talk to someone I could trust) And I told her that MM literally sucked the life out of me. Even with it being over and done and NC firmly put in place I am in a great deal of pain. I never knew I could feel so much pain... For awhile I was able to numb it out but now I am suffocated by it. I am not engaging in negative things though-- partying heavily, hooking-up, etc. I have been going to dinners with friends etc. but been focusing on myself, work, school, etc. It just hurts. Feeling slightly better now, and guess I just had a really dark moment.

 

I just remember the promises. Him telling me he wanted to be with me. Telling we aren't "together" he will/wants to be single, but yet would openly admit his jealousy etc.

 

But the past is the past and the future well... =)

 

Thank you everyone

 

I think just living in this small town is difficult and I need to not be in such close quarters with him. Luckily he is leaving in a month

[DNR]

Wow, I feel for you and i know how you feel. Being in an A isn't easy and it seems we always 2nd, 3rd, 4th, but never 1st, never a priority.

 

I too, live in a very small town, always having to see him and his kids because of my job. It's not easy. NC for several days, although he came by for one of his shirts...........whatever. Do what you need to do for yourself. I realize it's easier said than done. If it was that easy I wouldn't be where I am now.

 

Good Luck,

 

DNR

[secretlifeofjane28]

I feel your pain- I know your pain. NC is the only way to move past it and heal. Is this the only support group you post to? There's a great support group on ivillage for Ending an Affair. You should check it out if you need more support.

 

Hang in there. It does get easier. I am 60 days NC today- I have been riding the emotional roller coaster, but it is getting easier.

[alg24]

Very true. I guess due to my age I live more in the moment and much more reactive. It hurts so bad. Despite the fact this was an A- he was really the first person I "loved" and did everything with. Actually, the first person I was really really sexually active with... But I get myself very worked up... The first couple days of NC I would wake up, look around for him ( we were staying together for a couple months) and have this awful panic attack. I would start breathing heavily and then not breathing well at all... Very screwed up... I just need to get over this whole mess and move forward- look forward to the future. Its just so hard though

[Hazyhead]

Very true. I guess due to my age I live more in the moment and much more reactive. It hurts so bad. Despite the fact this was an A- he was really the first person I "loved" and did everything with. Actually, the first person I was really really sexually active with... But I get myself very worked up... The first couple days of NC I would wake up, look around for him ( we were staying together for a couple months) and have this awful panic attack. I would start breathing heavily and then not breathing well at all... Very screwed up... I just need to get over this whole mess and move forward- look forward to the future. Its just so hard though

 

You'll get through it, alg. I know how you feel; I'm three weeks in and so far have been pretty chipper and enjoying the sense of freedom and relief. Today, however, I'm a little low, which I think is probably bound to happen. You're moving forward more than you know - this is three weeks! Think of how you were three weeks or more ago... I was still so torn, knowing the right thing to do but struggling to do it. Finally, I managed to not respond (have never done that before and he always played on that) and still haven't (nor will I).

 

Allow your sadness sometimes, but do not give it too much power. Pick yourself back up again and live - do something you enjoy.

 

((((alg))))

[fooled once]

Hello everyone.

 

MM and I have been keeping NC for awhile now... But this morning I am having a rough time...

 

I remember how much happier I use to be before the A. How bitter, lost, scared, and angry I am. I cannot let go of the memories- good and bad. I am filled with so much pain. During the A I was so beyond lonely and depressed. After the A (now) I am lonely, depressed, and angry. I cannot find true happiness anywhere. I try really hard to not feel sorry for myself. Enjoy life.

 

I just remember everything... He and I spoke 3 weeks ago? The A has been over for a couple months.. We both live in the same small town. Its very difficult.

 

Before the A was over he and W were very much over but having the two younger children he would stay over the house in the guest room. His life was all over the place and honestly it was a pathetic way to live. Sometimes he was living with me, clothes all over the place (my house, W's house, tons in the car) I was miserable. He was difficult to be around sometimes. But I really cared about him.

 

W lost her job so his job is paying for her housing. He views it as his home because he is paying for it but I know 100% she does not like him there. She is trying to make it through until he leaves for 6 months.

 

Anyway, that is not my business. But when we were together it was so painful. I knew things were not good at home. He would call me sometimes at night and tell me big problems, can he come over and sleep...

 

Anyway, its done and over but still hurts beyond. I remember when he was telling me he was to remain single after the D. He doesn't want anymore problems with girls. He wants to stay single and be everything for his children (I respect the children and want him to be everything for them) If he wanted to remain single why did he keep coming around?? We had so much history, problems, baggage-- just forget me and move on. I am 21 years old-- let me live my life (don't ruin my young years)

 

And while he was telling me he wanted to stay single he was making sure I was not enjoying my single life. He told me I could do whatever I wanted but don't lie to him. If I wanted to sleep with other people maybe I am tired of us and wanted to try something knew. He would visit me 1-2 a daily usually, call a bunch, call me before going to sleep.

 

Anyway I am talking all over the place and I doubt making much sense. The pain is just beyond raw.

 

People entertaining an A do not do it. Its such a lonely painful road. I wish I never did it. All season I dealt with his bull****. I never went out was never social. Now I am bitter and want to be left alone.

 

Thank you everyone for reading

 

Hi!

 

Funny.. I was talking to a close friend today (After I posted on LS I felt I need to talk to someone I could trust) And I told her that MM literally sucked the life out of me. Even with it being over and done and NC firmly put in place I am in a great deal of pain. I never knew I could feel so much pain... For awhile I was able to numb it out but now I am suffocated by it. I am not engaging in negative things though-- partying heavily, hooking-up, etc. I have been going to dinners with friends etc. but been focusing on myself, work, school, etc. It just hurts. Feeling slightly better now, and guess I just had a really dark moment.

 

I just remember the promises. Him telling me he wanted to be with me. Telling we aren't "together" he will/wants to be single, but yet would openly admit his jealousy etc.

 

But the past is the past and the future well... =)

 

Thank you everyone

 

I think just living in this small town is difficult and I need to not be in such close quarters with him. Luckily he is leaving in a month

 

Hey my friend (hugs) You have my email -- email me anytime!! I will do better with responding, I promise!!

 

I want you to do a couple things for me, okay?

 

1. STOP beating yourself up. Just like I tell jthorne, STOP that. It isn't going to get you anywhere.

 

2. FORGIVE yourself (hug) Please. The only way to move forward is with forgiveness.

 

3. GRIEVE. Grieve the relationship. Some days you will be in tears all the time. Some days you will rarely think about 'the past'. Let yourself be sad, let the tears come.

 

4. TIMELINE. Give yourself a timeline to grieve. What I mean is, tell yourself by April 15, you are done with the pity party (hug) You are done investing so much of your emotions into him. After that, allow yourself 15 minutes a day - that's it - 15 minutes - to think about 'him' and the 'past'. that way, you have put a timeline on it and you won't allow yourself to wallow.

 

5. TIME. It takes time to heal. You didn't fall for him in a day. So let yourself have the time you need to move forward. And while you are 'missing him', and the 'good times' -- remember the horrible, mean, nasty things he said and did. Remember the controlling nature of him, remember the mental and verbal abuse and most importantly, remember the PHYSICAL abuse. NO MAN SHOULD EVER LAY HANDS ON A WOMAN - EVER. I don't care if you hit him first. I don't give a damn. He should NEVER have laid hands on you. Think about how much he brought you down; you know the saying "traded up".... you know you 'traded down' with him. You know you can do better. You know you and he are on total different paths in life. Your friends didn't like him. Your family didn't like him. Remember that. Sometimes it is too easy to get caught up in the 'good memories'. Remember the horrible times.

 

6. LOVE yourself. Seriously - LOVE yourself. You can only do that after you forgive yourself So start...today. I want you to each day do ONE thing for YOU. Whether it be a glass of wine, a catch up chat with a girlfriend (where HE is not mentioned at all), hanging out with a girlfriend to laugh and scope out guys , a bubble bath, a good ride on your horse.... something positive. Something that will make you smile.

 

I told you my family just had to deal with the 1 year anniversary of my 3 year old niece's death. LIFE can be taken from us so quickly and without warning. CELEBRATE each day you are alive. Thank God for giving you life. Appreciate each day you wake up and see the sun, or even see the rain that the flowers and trees need. May sound corny, but our life is what WE make it. We can't wait for someone else to make us happy. We have to find it in ourselves. Maybe take an exercise class - yoga, kick boxing - something to get you OUT of the house and doing something besides thinking of the past. Most importantly ... smile. Fix yourself up before heading to the store -- many times, if we feel like we LOOK good, we can feel good, ya know?

 

And finally - most importantly - do NOT break NC. Do not call him. Do not text him. Do not go by his house. Do not 'try' to run into him. Do not answer any calls from him, any texts from him or anything from him. IF you see him, turn the other way. Do not engage him in any way.

 

((HUGS)) Vent away sweetie. Stay strong. You have such a long life in front of you -- live each day with happiness, passion and integrity. You are a wonderful young lady and good things are coming your way. Dream about it and then make it happen!!

 

(hugs)

[hopeless4u]

Hello everyone.

 

MM and I have been keeping NC for awhile now... But this morning I am having a rough time...

 

I remember how much happier I use to be before the A. How bitter, lost, scared, and angry I am. I cannot let go of the memories- good and bad. I am filled with so much pain. During the A I was so beyond lonely and depressed. After the A (now) I am lonely, depressed, and angry. I cannot find true happiness anywhere. I try really hard to not feel sorry for myself. Enjoy life.

 

I just remember everything... He and I spoke 3 weeks ago? The A has been over for a couple months.. We both live in the same small town. Its very difficult.

 

Before the A was over he and W were very much over but having the two younger children he would stay over the house in the guest room. His life was all over the place and honestly it was a pathetic way to live. Sometimes he was living with me, clothes all over the place (my house, W's house, tons in the car) I was miserable. He was difficult to be around sometimes. But I really cared about him.

 

W lost her job so his job is paying for her housing. He views it as his home because he is paying for it but I know 100% she does not like him there. She is trying to make it through until he leaves for 6 months.

 

Anyway, that is not my business. But when we were together it was so painful. I knew things were not good at home. He would call me sometimes at night and tell me big problems, can he come over and sleep...

 

Anyway, its done and over but still hurts beyond. I remember when he was telling me he was to remain single after the D. He doesn't want anymore problems with girls. He wants to stay single and be everything for his children (I respect the children and want him to be everything for them) If he wanted to remain single why did he keep coming around?? We had so much history, problems, baggage-- just forget me and move on. I am 21 years old-- let me live my life (don't ruin my young years)

 

And while he was telling me he wanted to stay single he was making sure I was not enjoying my single life. He told me I could do whatever I wanted but don't lie to him. If I wanted to sleep with other people maybe I am tired of us and wanted to try something knew. He would visit me 1-2 a daily usually, call a bunch, call me before going to sleep.

 

Anyway I am talking all over the place and I doubt making much sense. The pain is just beyond raw.

 

People entertaining an A do not do it. Its such a lonely painful road. I wish I never did it. All season I dealt with his bull****. I never went out was never social. Now I am bitter and want to be left alone.

 

Thank you everyone for reading

 

I feel for you and also know how you are feeling...rubbish isn't it!!

 

Some days its just the odd tear at a trigger but most days as soon as I'm alone its just sobbing!!

 

Like you I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself as I know thats just a downward spiral but its just hard.

 

Be strong honey and big ((hugs)) from me. xx

[alg24]

so true everyone... Wow, really that I feel a lot better... Reading it is sinking in... I do not want to sulk or feel sorry for myself. Thank you Fooled Once- I read the post a couple times... Thank you everyone.

[fooled once]

How are you doing today hon??

[alg24]

Hey everyone!

I am doing better =)

 

Fooled Once I want to know how you are doing/feeling?

 

I am slowly putting things into perspective. I realize that I am going to hurt. I really lost myself with this person. The course of the 2 years with him I became a different person. Now I need to rebuild myself. Its difficult living in a seasonal town (All season I was very quiet and not as social as a normally was in the past) and now this seasonal town is dying down and I am more or less alone. I cannot sulk or feel sorry for myself... I am trying to let myself have my moments and then knock myself out of it. I just got so consumed into this petty out of control drama. I let him and the idea of him control my life. Like he was this amazing person in a sense (and even if he was, which he was not, its beyond UNhealthy to let someone have so much power/consume so much of your life) I also seeing it was the idea of him... Before him I was living alone.. I had a VERY social life, but still life alone is lonely. I had my low self esteem issues, the I want to fix you issues, and help you and he knew he found gold. Once we started spending all this time (then this season practically living together) I was dependent on it and scared of being alone..

 

I am trying to embrace the quietness and being alone (but I still make a point to have dinner with friends I haven't seen or go visit my grandparents-- need to do that next week)

 

So that is that =)

 

Been so busy with with (positive!)

 

I get the occasional text message from him. Since are barns are across from each other and on a diagonal (if he is standing in his barn isle he can look across the canal/ car length dirt path and see the outside of my barn/ parking lot) if I am bringing my horse outside and getting on I can see him sometimes watching (slightly creepy) Or if I need to ride down the canal to get to a specific barn or show I feel him watching... Whatever but yea...

 

Thanks everyone!!

 

Have a great deal

 

And be strong... =)