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Why is the Mistress blamed much more than the Cheating husband??


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

 
 
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Old 21st June 2004, 4:57 PM   #16
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I didn't blame the girl in our bed at all when I caught my husband in the act. I knew it was all on him and I didn't blame her, and I didn't blame myself. And honestly by that point it wasn't even all that painful, aside from the expected insult and burn of being lied to, even after I told him point blank that I thought he'd been having an affair. As things went, I had lost most of my respect for him anyway, so catching him with the girl didn't get much more out of me than a disappointed shake of the head. Catching him was just the final nail in his coffin. I haven't missed him a day since. If they're still together, if they ever were "together" that is, then he's her problem now, and I feel sympathy, not blame, for her for getting herself into a situation with him. And can you believe that even catching him with his pants not just down but completely off, he still stood up and SWORE that he'd never cheated on me??? What a loser...

So in that scenario, the wife (me) did not blame the OW. In this scenario, I still don't blame the OW, even though she knew the MM was married, because at the end of it, the MM is the one making all the mistakes.

You see, a good male friend of mine's wife suspected him of having an affair (and he was), and she swore up and down that she'd do whatever it took to "shake this other gal loose" because he "belonged to her" and no one else was going to reap the rewards of her "training" and how dare this OW mess with a married man...blah blah blah. She was so in denial that the marriage was failing that she placed all the blame on the OW and none on her husband and none on herself. She made it all out to be a competition, and desperately drove herself mad trying to make her husband end the affair. Knowing their bad history, and knowing how truly miserable he seemed to be with his wife, I was in favor of him divorcing her and moving on with the OW. And for a few months there, he seemed like he was going to do it, too. However, out of guilt and weakness and pressure from the expectations of others, this idiot ended up breaking the OW's heart (his self-proclaimed "love of his life"), and staying with the wife (his "prison warden"). And they're just as miserable as ever, only now she has the affair to throw in his face every time she feels the need to rip him a new one. You should have SEEN the glee from the wife when he "came home with his tail between his legs". What a couple of mixed up people. And what a mess.

How he could have ejected the OW from his life like he did and why the wife would want to stay in the marriage where they're both miserable anyway is beyond me. He's still a good friend, but him staying with the woman he supposedly despised has caused me to lose an unrecoverable amount of respect for him. And I definitely have no respect for his wife. I guess being that I'd been in her shoes (ie: cheated on), I expected her to be stronger and more liberated than she was. But then, it's her life. And she got what she wants so I guess I shouldn't worry about her, right?

Sorry, I rambled.
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Old 23rd June 2004, 3:18 PM   #17
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These are all interesting questions. However, I have to agree with Tony that the original poster has some pretty obvious slants/biases and was basically suggesting answers, many of which I think were incorrect.

Why do the mistresses get blamed? Well, with the exception of those that are lied to about the marital status of the married person they are sleeping with, these women have every option and every chance to be with someone who is NOT married, yet they choose the morally barren option of sleeping with someone else's spouse. That just screams low self-esteem and low-class to me. After all, women with REAL self-esteem respect themselves enough to find a REAL, SINGLE man, as opposed to sneaking around with some low-class, cheating, lying jerk.

Do the spouses of the MM respond this way due to low self-esteem? Well, there is no doubt that having discovered your supposedly loyal and loving husband is cheating will put in a hole in your self-esteem. But I think the wife's actions after finding out speak more loudly about her self-esteem than her opinion of the skank who is sleeping with her husband. The women who move on and accept the facts are the ones with true self-esteem adn self-respect. The ones who beg for him to come back and give them another load of B.S. are the ones with no self-esteem.

What a sad, sad state of affairs. If you are sleeping with a married man or woman, I think you are a pretty dim bulb if you think that you aren't going to have some negative feedback directed your way as a result of your behavior. That's a bit like stomping on a tiger's tail and then whining about it biting you afterwards.

SS.

ps. WRT the person who stated that long-term affairs are about more than just sex with another woman. I would respectfully argue that this isn't always the case. From my ex's own mouth, his 6-month affair was not about any emotional attachment to his OW, although he told her it was, and it certainly was on her part. He said it just happened, and once he started, he couldn't find a way to stop- he felt like he was stuck on the path he'd chosen. After all, he couldn't quit seeing the woman, because he'd run the risk of her telling on him. And in addition, he felt he'd already pretty much screwed the pooch as far as our marriage was concerned, so what else did he have?

edited to say: I wasn't at all in denial about the state of my marriage when my ex cheated, but I was certainly in denial about his moral qualities. I had fooled myself into believing that his habitual dishonesty didn't extend to cheating, since he frequently expressed disapproval of that behavior in others. It just goes to show you that you can be trying as hard as you can to fix your marriage, but if you're married to a liar with low self-esteem, you had better be prepared for the inevitable result.

Last edited by SuperSleuth; 23rd June 2004 at 3:21 PM..
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Old 23rd June 2004, 3:52 PM   #18
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I think on this board it's because so many people come with so much HURT and anger on their plates-they're confused, and they want to lash out and hurt back-so they do. We only see what's posted, not the other side-fights with spouses, etc....

Plus it's harder to keep attacking someone you love if you're afraid of losing your relationship. To blame the spouse for cheating you would essentially have to find huge fault with the person you fell in love with-which would in turn mean questioning your own judgement and beliefs, which not too many people are prepared to do.
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Old 23rd June 2004, 4:03 PM   #19
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In my situation I never blamed the other women....

Actually the other women would not admit to being the other woman. I would find phone numbers (sometimes by snooping and sometimes out in the open) and if it was suspicious I would call. The women that I talked to all said the same thing "he told me he was divorced with two kids". I would tell them that the only truth to that is that indeed we do have two kids but we were still very married. They seemed to get angry at the fact that he lied to them and blah, blah, blah, but I later found that they continued with him.

Anyway, I'm divorced from him now for many other reasons besides his cheating but I have never blamed the OW or myself. Sure I believe that the OW has some responsibility and moral obligations but ultimately I believe the MM is more wrong...after all he is the one that made vowels to his wife.......

I must add that I am now the OW who is seeing a MM and again I feel like he is more wrong than I am.......he took vows, I didn't. but I do know that I am still wrong and I am getting out.
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Old 6th September 2004, 6:37 PM   #20
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Unhappy Married Men

I personally have been in both positons, the wife and the mistress. Currently I am the mistress. When I was married my husband had several mistresses but our sex life never suffered. To this day I don't know why he cheated. I know he loved me but I also know that he was not ready for a committment like marriage. Eventually I grew tired of his infidelity and I also lost respect for him as a man. We divorced soon after. The man I have now I've been in a relationship with for over two years. He still has sex with his wife because he has told me he does. This man has a extreme case of obligation to his wife. I know he loves her but I do not believe he is inlove with her. I also know he is inlove with me.

He has been married for about 18 years and his wife has been there for him when most women would have left him. He does not want to hurt her. I believe he stil sleeps with her because of this. He and I were bestfriends before we ever became intimate and he told me alot about her and his marriage at that time. Also they were seperated living in different cities and still are. He still lives in my city even though his wife wants him to come back home. It is a very complicated situation. Basically this man after being seperated from his wife for four months feel in love with someone else. He did not lose any feelings for his wife he just feel in love with someone else. I'm sure at times he feels close to her due to the sheer amount of time they've been together and they also have two sons together. She desperately wants him back. I can't say what descision he'll make but I know for a fact that he is inlove with me. For all you women out there that always have something negative to say about the mistress please don't. Wait until you know what the situation is first before you judge. I am not some homewrecking, seductress. I've been there before and I don't get any joy out of hurting people. This situation is a bit different, but now I do love this man very, very much.


The wife blames the mistress because she doesn't want to take a honest look at herself, her marriage or her husband.
M.B.
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Old 7th September 2004, 7:28 AM   #21
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All the people who have been mistresses keep saying, "The wives don't want to look at themselves and admit that they came up short."

That is possible, but it is equally true for the mistresses!

The mistresses don't want to look at themselves and say, "I was nothing but a piece of a$$ to that man, and I suckered myself into believing every lie he told me because I wanted to give myself a nice little self-esteem boost." Because after all, the reason you are sleeping with married men rather than forming healthy, normal relationships couldn't *possibly* be because there is something wrong with you, right?

It couldn't *possibly* be because you didn't have the self-imposed values or morals to do the right thing, could it?

Doesn't anybody here notice a trend? All these people who are cheating (either the spouse or the OM/OW) are chronically in denial and refuse to take any responsibility for their actions. It is always "someone else's fault" they participated in an adulterous relationship.

I admit I was 50% responsible for the state of my marriage when my ex cheated on me. I didn't spend enough quality time with him. Granted, he had a job that kept him away from home for 6 months per year as well, but.... What it comes down to is that I was taking care of our home, I was sleeping with him every day off he had to make sure he wasn't sexually deprived, and I was making a strong bid to bring more mutual respect into our relationship.

He was a pathological liar who admitted to making out with at least two other women during our marriage besides the woman he had a full-fledged affair with. He chose the job that took him away from home before we were married, and always had my full support to take any other job he'd rather take. I also gave him full permission to travel as much as he wanted, spend as much time with his friends as he wanted, you name it. All I asked was for the same in return.

Just think.... All this time I've spent trying to figure out why I came up short, and all I had to do was admit that giving my ex everything he wanted was a very bad idea!

Of course, it all comes full circle in the end. He got back together with his OW after our divorce was final (let's face it; when he was trying to get me back, he was probably still with her). And now, three months later he is dating her, yet calling ME at 2am to tell me he misses me. Yeah, it only took him a year to figure out that she is nothing but a piece of a$$. Too little, too late.

In any case, it just comes down to choices. You make the choice you make, and nobody makes it for you. The decisions a married man or woman makes with respect to cheating have NOTHING to do with the state of their marriages or their spouses. LOTS of people have bad marriages. And LOTS of them don't cheat. LOTS of people find themselves attracted to married people. And LOTS of them have the common sense not to get involved with them.

So you can make all the excuses you want for your behavior, but what it comes down to is that you didn't have what it took to make the right choice. "Almost divorced" isn't divorced. If he hasn't broken the news to his wife and moved out, he isn't single, folks! And therefore, you shouldn't be sleeping with him!

SS.
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