16yearslater Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 Hi, I am new here and my experience is rather new so bear with me. I am a married female in my early 40's, H is in late 40's. No kids. We began as a LDR and then got married 3 years ago. I never really had a sexual attraction for him, it was mostly friendship. We don't have sex much. Early in our marriage, I knew there were problems. Then, he had a LD EMA with a girl from his home area, which turned into a PA on a visit back home, while I was here at home. I found out about it, he ended it, I forgave him and we moved on. NOW, I am on Facebook, and I get this email from a guy that I was IN LOVE with 16 years ago. We dated for a while and then he disappeared. No goodbye, nothing. We never had sex back then. Now, on FB, he apologized for leaving me, and said he regrets what happened and stuff. Told me he had thought about me over the years, and I told him I had too. Fast forward to emails, phone calls, chats and texts. Very sexual stuff. He has a live in GF of 9 years and they have a 5 y/o daughter. He calls her his wife, even though they are not married. They have BOTH cheated on each other before, but they are still together. He tells me he does not think he turns her on anymore and they have a lot of problems. Fast forward to us having sex once at his house, and once at my house, both while S/O's are not home. This has been going on for about 2 months now, and at first the contact was a lot, but I guess she found out about me calling him and phone sex so he is a lot more cautious now. I am in love with him again. This sucks and I am so mad at myself. I have not heard from him in a week. I really need to end this but he is like CRACK for me. Even 16 years later, we both still look the same, and the attraction between us is very strong. I don't know what to do. BTW, I have told my husband, and he understands. Prolly because of what he did to me. At least I am not lying to him. But I know that the OM is lying to his GF. And does anyone know WHY he calls he his wife? They are not married. HELP...... Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 What possible solutions/outcomes do you see in this scenario? I think he calls her his wife because they live together as man and wife, with a home they share, and a child they made. Save for the M certificate, they have declared, for the past nine years, that they are a unit. I see that this declaration of his bothers you? Try not to get tripped up on details. Back to the real issue-- what do you want to happen? With OM, with your own H? Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 In many places, a longstanding live-in R like your OM has with his gf would be considered common-law marriage. Maybe he also feels that committed to her, etc. Either way, it indicates that he feels tied to her as a wife. Is your H really that complacent about all this? I find that hard to believe. If he hasn't been in contact with you for a week, and you find this unusual, I'd say he already made a decision. Yours is not a matter of deciding to end it with him now, but just to let it go. That aside, what about your M? Are you really invested in keeping it, and are you willing to work to fix it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author 16yearslater Posted July 4, 2009 Author Share Posted July 4, 2009 My husband is as ok with it as he is going to be. I never lied to him, and he is good with that. He is somewhat financially dependant on me due to a visual disability that he has. I was really blindsided by all the attention that this former bf was giving me. My H was out of town for 2 weeks and just got home this week, and I suppose the other guy is giving me time with my H or something. Plus this is a holiday weekend, so maybe that is why I have not heard from him. Or, maybe he changed his mind about me, I dunno. I am just mad at myself for letting this happen. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 Maybe all he wanted was to have sex with you, he got that and now his curiosity is satisfied? And it seems like you don't have to worry about ending it - he has. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 16yearslater Posted July 4, 2009 Author Share Posted July 4, 2009 Well, I figured it was over so I deleted his phone numbers, and his messages, and de-friended him on FB. At least I only wasted 2 months and not years on this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 16YL, You still haven't addressed what if anything you want to do in regards to your M. The fact that you seem more upset about the A ending suggests maybe your M is already dead in your eyes. What do you feel about your H and what do you want to see happen with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author 16yearslater Posted July 5, 2009 Author Share Posted July 5, 2009 With regards to my M, my husband wants to remain married, as he still loves me. I do love him, but sexual attraction is still an issue. Its like, with the affair, my eyes were kinda opened up to what I am missing in the sex department. Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 I know what your H wants, still not clear what you want. It sounds as though you aren't sure either if you want M to continue? Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 My husband is as ok with it as he is going to be. I never lied to him, and he is good with that. He is somewhat financially dependant on me due to a visual disability that he has. I was really blindsided by all the attention that this former bf was giving me. My H was out of town for 2 weeks and just got home this week, and I suppose the other guy is giving me time with my H or something. Plus this is a holiday weekend, so maybe that is why I have not heard from him. Or, maybe he changed his mind about me, I dunno. I am just mad at myself for letting this happen. so let me get this right, your husband knows your having sex with bf and he is ok with it? You did tell him your having sex, and not just friendly chit chat on email, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author 16yearslater Posted July 5, 2009 Author Share Posted July 5, 2009 Yes, he knows, I have been open with him from the start. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts