phoenixrising Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 For all of you out there who are considering NC but think you "can't do it"... well, I'm nearly 4 months LC (we still have to work together long distance) and am amazed at the new perspective I have regarding OP/MP relationships. I see the pattern clearly that began with "I'm leaving my marriage" to "If I feel this way in __ months I'll leave..." to "I nearly left last week but the timing wasn't good" to "my son/daughter is going through a crisis, not a good time to leave" to "I tried, but I can't hurt my wife" to "well, we're in it now and I can't lose you, even though I can't leave my family" to "my views on marriage have changed and perhaps it's best for the family for me to have an OW on the side". I was even beginning to believe that this was acceptable. The fog is very thick until you step away... The bottom line is that if you are interested in being something than the OW/OM - get out. Now. Don't wait 4 years as I did. Read the posts by Bob54 - what a learning experience about what's going on in the head of a MM. And read what happens when the OW/OM is strong and says "no". The only way out - whether the outcome is good or bad - is NC. An interesting aside, after learning what I have learned at LS... I was at a work function recently and had an absolutely engaging man ask me to dance after which he sat down and we talked and laughed. I realized that at long last I found myself somewhat attracted to someone other than MM, and looked down at his hand... and when I saw the wedding ring I had a physical reaction so strong I nearly threw up... I immediately made my excuses and left the function. Bottom line - after getting out of the situation and seeing it for what it really is - lies, fantasy, false hope, confusion, weakness - there is no way in H_ _ L I will EVER allow myself to become close to someone who is even separated, let alone married, ever again, no matter what they say, or how strong the feelings. I don't know that I would have seen this so clearly without lurking here at LS for so long... this was, and still is, an amazing source of support. Thank you all. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 Congratulations Phoenix. 4 years is such a long time. And to think in only 4 months your mind has shifted so greatly. Well done. As for the reaction to the married man I feel the same. I think its like being a convert. Converts are the most hard core. Yes Bob 54s posts are a very insightful read into what many MM are thinking. They could have been written by the man I was involved with. I love her I cant leave shes got such good principles... I just hope we cant forsee the next piece. She weakens and gets involved with him. She believes in her heart one day he will leave. He doesnt and tells her that she knew all along it could never be more than it is... and she is heartbroken... not such a great fairytale... Link to post Share on other sites
Author phoenixrising Posted October 25, 2008 Author Share Posted October 25, 2008 Thanks JJ - from the moment you first posted I could see that our situations were so similar I wondered if you were the "OOW" (LOL). But as we can see, sadly, our situations are not so unique after all... What is interesting, and is my challenge, is that I know in my heart that I still love xMM. BUT even though my love for him is there, this doesn't mean I have to follow his rules, see him, speak with him, or weave a web of dishonesty that attempts to fool his wife. I really don't feel it was a choice to feel those feelings toward him - the connection was quite apparent the first time we met and remains very, very strong - but it was a choice as to how to act on those feelings. And if the other person is not in a situation where they are emotionally free to let the relationship grow naturally, or if they choose to live a dishonest life by hiding behind a "marriage", perhaps we should simply accept that we love them, while at the same time recognizing that this person is not at a place in their life where they can love us back freely, no matter what words they use to convince us otherwise. Somehow, Bob's OW recognized this. And, now, so will we. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 I agree with you 100%. We control how we respond to them and how or if we choose to act on our feelings. Its funny in the past that was never an issue for me. I never considered married man as anything other than off limits. Back to the old policy... Reading Bobs posts I was shaken by how selfish it seems for men in those situations to act like they do and it hit home that I was right to stop making excuses for MM. Fine for he and his W to live that way if they choose to, not so fine for me... Link to post Share on other sites
Dark-N-Romantic Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 Congradulations on your strength and courage and hope you even more victories, but most importantly, the victory of finding that REAL man who takes his word, honor, and you seriously and lovingly. DNR Link to post Share on other sites
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