smile711 Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 So in my quest to take steps to move on (I say it like it's an easy thing to do! ) I have begun chipping away at the material things left in my life from the xMM. Started out pretty good-sold some jewelry, gave away a beautiful Coach purse, threw out a music box and every piece of clothing he ever bought me. It felt cleansing and I was relieved that I was strong enough to do so. So today I grab the bag of cards that we had given each other over the past 2+ years. Of course, he couldn't take home cards from me so he left them at my place! I threw out every single card I ever gave him and didn't even think about reading them (I'm not a glutton for punishment!). However, I kept the cards and notes from him. I did not read them either but stuffed them away in a box in the closet. I know a lot of people don't believe me, but I did NOT keep them for nostalgic reasons. I have a sinking feeling that he is going to lie about how long we were together and I want those things as proof in case it turns into my word against his. For example, he once gave me an "anniversary" card and he wrote that it had been the most amazing 2 years of his life. I kind of feel like I may be in a position eventually where I will have to prove that I am telling the truth. What do you all think about this? Feel free to rake me over the coals, but I'm just asking! Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 and how and why would you need them to "prove" anything?? just curious.. and "prove" to who? the Po Po's? Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile711 Posted October 21, 2008 Author Share Posted October 21, 2008 :laugh::laugh: The Po Po thing cracked me up! No, there are just quite a few people who still think that we were together only a few months and if it was my word against his, they would believe him. I can't explain it...I just have a bad feeling like I'm going to need to prove it soon. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 Why does it matter in the scheme of things? You know the truth. If he would lie about that, it just reaffirms that he's not a nice person and that you're better off without him. You're not going back right? Then cut all ties and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
KATANYA Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 Ummmm.....unless he's the President, you have a blue dress and you both have a thing for cigars -----I wouldn' worry too much about the whole proof thing!!! Other than his W, I doubt anyone is going to care what the card said and quite honestly if people are naive enough to believe his crap than they will just think you wrote the card yourself to set him up anyway. Now, if there is even a chance you have kept this stuff because your are not ready to part with every last piece of him (and I don't think that has so much to do with nostalgia as it does with closure and so forth) then what you did is perfect and, when its time, let the stuff go. Finally, and its just my way of thinking, Girl you should have kept the jewelery and clothes and tossed the hallmark moment!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile711 Posted October 22, 2008 Author Share Posted October 22, 2008 You all crack me up! Believe me-I kept a lot of the jewelry! I only got rid of things that I felt were given to me for the wrong reasons. For example, he gave me a pair of earrings right before he went on vacation with his wife one time. I was divorced at the time and I feel like I was being manipulated to hang in there and wait for him. He did that a lot, I can see now! I know some women who can just dump everything and move on...I am doing it in little shifts but I have made some incredible strides this past week or so. Too bad I can't erase my brain as easily as I can throw s**t away! Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 I agree with the others. You don't need to "prove" anything, to anyone. It's a relationship that ended. There will always be rumors. Keeping "proof" is your way of declaring morla or eithical superiority. To whom? So what if he lies to his wife or drinking buddys? Keep what you want, throw away what you want... for the right reasons. Do it because it's pleases you to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 What's there to prove? And to whom? I say get a big plastic garbage bag and throw the rest of it away. Holding onto stuff is only a painful reminder of this over and done with relationship. Good luck. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 You want to "prove" that you were crazy enough to put up with him for 2+ years? Why? Let people think you were only silly for a little while!! Then you can say, "well he tricked me into thinking he loved me, but I quickly realized he was lying and dumped him!!" (You don't have a child with him or anything, do you? - I haven't been reading on this forum for awhile.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile711 Posted October 22, 2008 Author Share Posted October 22, 2008 silktricks, I love the advice! I guess I had never thought of it that way before! And no worries-I have no children with this man and thank God for that! Link to post Share on other sites
wildsoul Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 You want to "prove" that you were crazy enough to put up with him for 2+ years? Why? Let people think you were only silly for a little while!! Then you can say, "well he tricked me into thinking he loved me, but I quickly realized he was lying and dumped him!!" LOL...That made me laugh out loud. Very humorous and insightful too. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 I'm not sure who or what you would 'prove' here. What were you thinking about when you were considering the "proof" thing? A BS often keeps "proof"...so that they can provide it in evidence for a divorce, or explanations to someone why the marriage eventually failed. WS's sometimes keep "proof" (until they're caught doing so by the BS, or they finally "move on" emotionally) of the affair to remind themselves that the OW/OM loved them (read, momento). I would believe that many OW/OM do the same thing for some time...but that's exactly the reason that you say you've not done so. (and that's good...you do need to 'move on'). Who/why do you think you might have to provide proof at a later point? Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 I'm going to disagree with everyone and say KEEP THEM! Because MMs can really go to some serious lengths to throw an ex OW under a bus, and just to minimise that potential drama from happening, why not keep some security? i.e. if he starts giving you crap, tell him to back off immediately an leave you alone for good, else you'll send her everything. Or is the W finds out about your A, and starts going crazy thinking you pursued him crazily and this and that...again, throw her off your back by giving her this stuff to show how 100% invested he was and how much he pursued you. Or if he comes sniffing back around you again, do the same thing. I should think its not just effective but possibly slightly satisfying too Maybe you wont need them and maybe you will, but either way, whats the harm in keeping them just in case of the above? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 Maybe in the back of your head you think one day soon the W is going to be asking questions and he will throw you under the bus? In that case Yes, keep the one about the 2 years. If she calls you, you dont have to lie or take all the blame. She Should Know. On the other hand, you ARE moving on. Some day sooner than later - you will look at that card and whatever else you have left and say WTF was I thinking...and ditch it without a second thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 I'm going to disagree with everyone and say KEEP THEM! Because MMs can really go to some serious lengths to throw an ex OW under a bus, and just to minimise that potential drama from happening, why not keep some security? i.e. if he starts giving you crap, tell him to back off immediately an leave you alone for good, else you'll send her everything. Or is the W finds out about your A, and starts going crazy thinking you pursued him crazily and this and that...again, throw her off your back by giving her this stuff to show how 100% invested he was and how much he pursued you. Or if he comes sniffing back around you again, do the same thing. I should think its not just effective but possibly slightly satisfying too Maybe you wont need them and maybe you will, but either way, whats the harm in keeping them just in case of the above? I would agree that an MM will go to huge lengths to throw an ex (or current) OW under the bus. What I don't understand is what good it would do the OP to show "proof" otherwise to the BS? Either the BS will choose not to believe her...or she will. None of that will change the OP's situation in the slightest. I would agree that it MIGHT be a deterrent if MM attempts to resume the affair...but there's no "proof" required there...again...all she needs to do is to tell him to 'eff off'...no one forces her to interact with him. Ya know? Like I said...I don't see HOW she would use these letters and cards. I can't picture what circumstance that might come up that would REQUIRE them. Its not a huge issue...if she chooses to keep them, that's fine. The best bet in that case would be to store them someplace WAY out of reach. Public storage facility with other stuff, safety deposit box, at a trusted friend's house in a SEALED box or container. Just don't keep them HANDY. Don't keep them someplace where you can stumble across them in a moment of weakness and fall back into something again. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 Its not a huge issue...if she chooses to keep them, that's fine. The best bet in that case would be to store them someplace WAY out of reach. Public storage facility with other stuff, safety deposit box, at a trusted friend's house in a SEALED box or container. Just don't keep them HANDY. Don't keep them someplace where you can stumble across them in a moment of weakness and fall back into something again. why don't you ask the BS to store them for you, but to ONLY open the box "in case of an emergency". That way, you have all of your bases covered... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 why don't you ask the BS to store them for you, but to ONLY open the box "in case of an emergency". That way, you have all of your bases covered... Now THAT is humor!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile711 Posted October 22, 2008 Author Share Posted October 22, 2008 I actually didn't think I would get this many people talking about this! I really appreciate all the responses. They are awesome. Torrance and 2sure, that's exactly the kinds of things I'm worried about. If I get thrown under the bus (more) then I want proof that he invested in the A. His W already knows about it and took him back, but you never know when and if she may ask questions of me. I have concrete evidence to back up my words. Also, the cards are not anywhere where I will come across them-they are stored with other "junk" in a box way up on a shelf. I would literally have to get something to stand on to even reach them. So no accidentally seeing them-it would have to be on purpose and that ain't gonna happen! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 No offense, but why should you have to PROVE anything to the wife? (I'm a BS, btw). As long as the affair is over, and you're no longer in contact with MM in any fashion, there's no reason why you should care what she thinks, or what's going on between them. If she contacts you, there's no requirement for you to interact with her at all. I'd simply tell her that the affair is over, you have no contact with him, nor do you want it. And that should be the end of it. Link to post Share on other sites
DealingWDrama Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 As a BS, I have some crazy and probably not helpful advice...mail all the letters he gave you to his wife. If anyone deserves to know the truth - it's her. It may sound a little odd or even mean, but I think it's a way for you to have your proof and closure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile711 Posted October 22, 2008 Author Share Posted October 22, 2008 I don't think that I have anything to prove to his W. I'm sure that she must know that she doesn't know even half of what went on between me and him. But if she ever questions me on how long or how involved it was, it doesn't need to be my word against his if I have those things. DWD-I understand where you're coming from with that idea but I know I could never do it. My part in the A has already led to so much pain for her that I could never do anything that would compound it. If she ever came to me and asked questions, I wouldn't sugarcoat it, I would be honest. But if she doesn't ask, then I won't be the cause of any more pain for her than I already have been. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 A BS often keeps "proof"...so that they can provide it in evidence for a divorce, or explanations to someone why the marriage eventually failed. Are you planning to file for a divorce from your xMM? Finally, and its just my way of thinking, Girl you should have kept the jewelery and clothes and tossed the hallmark moment!!!! I'm with K, here. Forget the sweet nothings (as that's all they were if he's an ex), I would have kept the jewelry and the clothes! BTW, even if you have proof the betrayed as no reason to believe you and the wayward can still throw you under the bus. You kept the wrong items. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 Exactly either she will believe you or she wont. She will deal with her Hs betrayal or she wont want to accept it. There is no reason to store the things for her. If you are storing them for you than allow yourself to accept that. But dont bother with elaborate reasons why you are storing information for someone who doesnt want or need it. And good for you for taking huge steps to move on Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 Smile I haven't been around here much recently so I haven't read your story in depth, I just went back and looked at a few of your threads, so I might be way off with what I'm going to say. But firstly I'd say obviously, if you're trying to get over someone, then holding on to things might be counter-productive, depending on what kind of person you are and what the things mean to you. Not everyone is the same in that regard. Some people feel the need to purge, some people see only intrinsic value, some are terribly sentimental, and so on. Only you can know that and so you need to act according to what you feel is right and what you can do when the time is right. Personally I get very attached to things people have given me, so the way the break-up happened can affect what I do with stuff: if it's a good break-up, its nice to keep things! If it's a bad one, things need to go in a box til I don't care so much and then suddenly they mean next to nothing, or when the pain has eased... can have whistful sentimental value. Whatever. But regarding this stuff, which as you say is more 'evidence' than of sentimental value. I noticed in one of your earlier posts that he'd said he would never be back unless his W filed. So I'm assuming (always dangerous ground!) that this is what this is about..? Also, that you feel guilty that she is somewhat in the dark about what went on, and sympathy for the other woman who has been strung along by this man. In which case, I say... argh. Dodgy that the bag of evidence keeps this hope of a possible future divorce alive. But on the other hand... when a W wants evidence of how long the affair went on, and MM is busily minimising, then it's easy to see how 'I've got a bag of evidence you might find useful' becomes something important to both you and her. And yes, I know that it can be important to the BW (whatever anyone says), because I've read of similar things on Surviving Infidelity, where the W is desperate for a scrap of evidence that her WS is lying to her just so she can be finally free. Anyway, whatever the 'truth' of the matter for you or for her... If it were me, I'd be stuffing it in a bag and holding on to it, for now at least. Link to post Share on other sites
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