Taken for a ride . . .

[Spinning Head]

MM did not contact me at all on Monday, which was odd as we have had daily contact for several months. MM did not call Tuesday morning. I called MM and got no answer or return call back. I texted him and got a response "We need to talk".

 

MM was supposed to move out of the marital residence and into his apartment on Tuesday. I texted back that I agreed we needed to talk but it would have to wait until later. MM called me last night and left a message as I did not return his call.

 

I have been in constant turmoil for a week. I've been unable to work, sleep, live. Since Wednesday of last week, MM told me that he was leaving his W on Tuesday. MM stated, and texted, that he could not wait for our future to begin, to have faith in him, that he loved me very much, etc.

 

I knew after MM failed to contact me on Monday that he was not leaving his marriage.

 

I called MM this morning. MM told me that he had a change of heart on Monday and decided he did not want to make a change in his life. That he loved me but wanted to work on his marriage. I asked MM if he really told his W last Wednesday that he was moving out and he said 'yes'. I asked MM how he could treat another human being as he treated me and his Wife. That MM created the situation and why did he create the situation? Why did he tell me that he loved me, wanted a future with me, etc? His response: I'm a CAD, I'm an *******, etc.

 

I told MM that I was calling his Wife and coming clean with everything. I had tossed and turned about calling Wife. MM asked me not to call Wife. MM stated that he had come clean with Wife and told her everything. My gut told me otherwise - especially after his demeanor after I stated I was calling his W.

 

I called W.

 

W knew who I was as MM told her my name and that he was seeing me for a few months (reality: over 9 months). MM never told me that he told W my name (I asked him) but that W figured out my name as she hired a PI. That W only knew my first name, not my last name.

 

MM never told W that he was leaving W last Wednesday night. Instead, MM and W ate meatloaf on tv trays in front of the tv that night. MM sent several texts to me of how he told his W, W's reaction, how his decision felt like the right decision, how happy he was, etc.

 

Wife never told MM to wait to move out after the Labor Day weekend as MM never told W he was leaving the marriage.

 

MM texted me all weekend of his desire for a future with me and how much he loved me. On Sunday, MM and W drove around for an hour and talked of growing old together and MM told W how much he loved her and wanted W in his life. Three hours later MM texted me how much he loved me and was excited about our future.

 

MM told me that he had spoken to his sons about leaving his W and being happy with someone else. W is very close to her sons, speaks to them every day and they have never told about such a conversation with their dad.

 

W asked me questions about the R. We spoke for 1.5 hours. I was crying and upset most of the time. My intent is not to hurt W and I stressed that to her several times. And, that is not my intent. I told W that I would never call her again or bother her or her family.

 

I realize that many of you will disagree with my decision to call W. I struggled with it but I believe it was the right decision. Hell, MM already told her my name but lied, lied, lied about everything else. It is amazing the web of lies MM spun around both of us.

 

I am very very hurt, angry, stunned - every emotion that one can imagine as I am absolutely amazed that another human being would treat someone the way MM treated his W and me. I do realize that whatever emotion I am feeling, W is feeling it one hundred times moreso than me.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I'm sorry for your pain and completely understand your confusion. It's hard to imagine what he could possibly get out of treating people like this. I just can't wrap my head around it.

[TogetherForever]

Hi Spinning,

Sorry for the grief you are going thru at the moment but, what's the next step for YOU?

Will you move on w/o mm?

 

TF

[wildsoul]

Wow. Just, wow. I'm dumbstruck and horrified just reading this. I'm so sorry for you, and his W too. Ugh.

 

It sounds like your conversation with the W was necessary for both of you. So often there are half-truths and lies of ommission. That's part of the A triangle. But wowza, this dude--what a lying sack o crap.

 

If it helps at ALL, at least now you are out of the grey zone and into the black/white zone. You got played, sister. And while you've been doing some soul searching and will continue to do so, there's a point where you have to grant forgiveness to yourself. The guy really manipulated your decisions by lying to you. Any of us who've been in an A need to look at our choices and actions. But many of yours were based on the garbage he was feeding you. Time to step away from his table and focus on healing.

 

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss, pain, and trauma. We're here for you!!!!

[Spinning Head]

I hate that I got 'played'. I thought I was smarter than that. It pains me so much that I believed everything that he said - of course, W was believing everything he said on the other end. W kept saying that MM is sick. I think it is more than that. I told her that I had spoken to MM that morning, that I told MM I was going to call W, and that MM did not want me to call W. I even commented to W that I could not understand how MM could even function day-to-day or go to work after creating this situation and playing with everyone's emotions. MM will never feel the depth of pain and hurt that he caused his W and me. I admit that I wish he would - I wish he would hurt so much that he can't function but I doubt he is even capable of doing so.

 

MM does not have a future with me. Raindrops could hit my head and MM tell me it is raining and I would not believe him. I am absolutely horrified that I allowed him to meet my children!

 

I don't know how to heal from this. I know I'll never trust anyone ever again.

[Meaplus3]

I hate that I got 'played'. I thought I was smarter than that. It pains me so much that I believed everything that he said - of course, W was believing everything he said on the other end. W kept saying that MM is sick. I think it is more than that. I told her that I had spoken to MM that morning, that I told MM I was going to call W, and that MM did not want me to call W. I even commented to W that I could not understand how MM could even function day-to-day or go to work after creating this situation and playing with everyone's emotions. MM will never feel the depth of pain and hurt that he caused his W and me. I admit that I wish he would - I wish he would hurt so much that he can't function but I doubt he is even capable of doing so.

 

MM does not have a future with me. Raindrops could hit my head and MM tell me it is raining and I would not believe him. I am absolutely horrified that I allowed him to meet my children!

 

I don't know how to heal from this. I know I'll never trust anyone ever again.

 

I'm sorry for your situation, as I'm sure this is very rough on you at the moment. No further contact with this MM is how to move on. You should not let this MM player ruin your feelings toward other relationships down the line. Not all men are like this MM that you became involved with...please try to remember that. Good luck.

 

AP:)

[IfWishesWereHorses]

W kept saying that MM is sick. I think it is more than that.

 

Actually, I cant imagine what more it could be. She knows this man well, the good the bad and the ugly. I would take what she had to say to heart. I think in time you'll have a pretty good radar for this type of thing. There are plenty of people who can be trusted.

[herenow]

W kept saying that MM is sick. I think it is more than that.

 

Actually, I cant imagine what more it could be. She knows this man well, the good the bad and the ugly. I would take what she had to say to heart. I think in time you'll have a pretty good radar for this type of thing. There are plenty of people who can be trusted.

 

I think the OP wants to believe that her relationship with the MM was more than him getting a fix. Sounds like the wife understands that her H is sick.

 

MY H has a problem. He has an addictive personality that manifested itself into an affair. He doesn't drink, but over the years, his obsessions have gotten worse. First work, then sports, eventually an affair. This is an illness and unless the MM deals with it, he will continue to find ways to get a fix. In most cases people with addictive personalities get into more destructive behaviors as time goes on.

 

In my case, the OW wanted to believe that my H loved her. Truth is, he didn't love anyone, he was filling his own void with sex from the OW. It wasn't even about the sex as much as it was about the high of the fix. I understood that he was sick because I knew him and could see the signs of addiction. He did get help and he is now working a 12 step program to help him deal with his addictions.

 

If the MM that the OP was involved with is indeed sick like his wife says he is, the OP needs to realize that the affair was only about him and what he needed at the time. Just like a drug addict, he was doing and saying what he needed to in order to get his fix.

[LakesideDream]

What happened to personal responsibility? The OP claims she was "taken for a ride"....

 

It was her choice, she bought the ticket, got on the train, traveled in comfort "for awhile" until things changed.

 

Of course the MM lied. MW lie to, Wives lie, husbands lie. People lie, especially sex and romance are involved.

 

Personally I don't have much sympathy for women (or men) who take up knowingly with married people. Sometimes, often, we get what we deserve. Occasionally there is a happy ending, occasionally.

 

These are the wages of "sin"... (no I'm not religious).

[herenow]

What happened to personal responsibility? The OP claims she was "taken for a ride"....

 

It was her choice, she bought the ticket, got on the train, traveled in comfort "for awhile" until things changed.

 

Of course the MM lied. MW lie to, Wives lie, husbands lie. People lie, especially sex and romance are involved.

 

Personally I don't have much sympathy for women (or men) who take up knowingly with married people. Sometimes, often, we get what we deserve. Occasionally there is a happy ending, occasionally.

 

These are the wages of "sin"... (no I'm not religious).

 

You know I have to say it's a bit amusing how she keeps say that she can't believe how this man treated her and his wife. Like they are now a team. Can't help but question where her team sportsmanship was when she was screwing the BW's H. Just saying.

[LakesideDream]

You know I have to say it's a bit amusing how she keeps say that she can't believe how this man treated her and his wife. Like they are now a team. Can't help but question where her team sportsmanship was when she was screwing the BW's H. Just saying.

 

 

We are here in this forum because most of us share a relationship or attraction to a married person. Or.. because a relationship with a married person is breaking up..

 

I am no different. I have "designs" on a MW, time will tell what happens with that relationship. I can say for sure that I won't be "outing" her to her husband whatever the outcome. I won't be doing anything purposefully that will hurt or damage her, aside from offering myself as an alternative to her current marital situation. That in itself is fraught with danger, and possible agnst.

 

I will have to take personal responsibility for the situation I am causing. Pretending that I was "tricked" or that the relationship was "accidental" is just bovine scat.

 

Lying to myself isn't on my agenda.

[jj33]

Spinning Head. I am so sorry you are going through all this pain. I know I have felt like I was taken for a ride and its such an awful feeling. Its hard to believe that someone would behave that way. But perhaps what his W meant is he is a bit of a sociopath. Its one thing to have an affair, its another to weave lies of that magnitude to two different people at the same time. That is rare.

 

People like this are rare. Its hard to believe now but there are people out there who dont lie like that and who are totally narcissistic and fixated only on their own gratification.

 

Its going to take time to get over this. Alot of time and no contact with him. But in time it will be better. Big hugs

[wildsoul]

I will have to take personal responsibility for the situation I am causing. Pretending that I was "tricked" or that the relationship was "accidental" is just bovine scat.

LS: Thanks for sharing your OM status so candidly. I agree with your point about taking responsiblity. But I think that the OP isn't claiming she was an innocent bystander. She's been taking responsiblity thoughout her other posts. What seems to have her gobsmacked, understandably so, is the revelation of BIG lies on his part. Not the usual grey-zone lies, but some real whoppers! There is an extra layer of manipulation here.

 

There's an expression: If you play with snakes, you're gonna get bit. To a large extent, that applies to people involved in affairs. Yet at the same time, I can have a bit of sympathy. She knew she was playing with a snake, but got bit pretty damn hard.

[wildsoul]

Not the usual grey-zone lies...

Yanno, I am compelled to comment on my own post here. When I wrote "usual" lies, I don't mean to condone them like they are acceptable! *sigh* They are "usual" in an affair though.

[Owl]

This reminds me of the "Vegas" comment I made to Tomcat one time...something about playing the odds, and how everyone wants to believe that THEY'll be the ones that beat them.

 

That's kind of this situation here...the OP 'played the odds' that HER MM wasn't the lying type.

 

Its the same odds that pretty much the vast majority of OW/OM play...all with that firm belief that "but my situation is different".

 

This isn't intended as an insult...what I'm trying to say is that I wish that this situation could be an eye opener for others to realize that their situation ISN'T unique, and that those "odds" are highly against them. Its the same "odds" that Spinning Head faced as well.

 

SH, I do hope that things work out for you.

[wildsoul]

This reminds me of the "Vegas" comment I made to Tomcat one time...something about playing the odds, and how everyone wants to believe that THEY'll be the ones that beat them.

GREAT analogy!

*scratches her head* Funny, but I loathe gambling in Vegas. I prefer to shop and actually get something for my money. You make an excellent comparison though.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Spinning Im so sorry it turned out this way.

 

You must be hurting beyond belief - you were led to believe you had a future with MM then this?! He is a compulsive liar with no conscience about what hes put you or his W through.

 

Like WS said in a previous post, yes MM lie all the time but this takes the biscuit! You must be feeling very angry as well.

 

Of course he didnt want you to call the W - he knew she would confirm that you had both been told a load of bulls*** by him.

 

Do not tar all guys with the same brush - there are some nice men out there & you will learn to trust again.

 

At least now you have seen his true colors so hopefully you will find it a little easier to move on than if you hadnt found out what he was really like. You are well rid of him.

 

{{{{HUGS}}}}

[Spinning Head]

I do take personal responsibility for the role I played in this nightmare. It was not until two months ago that I knew MM was married. It was not my intent to get involved with a MM. And, I gave MM's W my full name and telephone number - I'm setting myself up to get involved in a lawsuit by doing that but I realize that that is part of severing ties.

 

I have never been involved with a MM before this R and I don't intend to get involved in another one. I thought I was very smart about finding out about this man - running a background check on him, etc. Every time I asked a question, I got a legitimate response.

 

I admit when I did find out MM was married, I should have ended all contact with him. Easier said than done - especially when MM hired an attorney and earnestly began the process to separate.

 

I don't know how other people's affairs are but this was more than just sex - at least it was to me. MM went with me to doctor's appointments, I had a medical procedure done a few weeks ago and MM drove me to the hospital and drove me home and spent the night with me - taking care of me. MM even went with me to the follow-up appointment. I helped MM on a work project and presentation. We've spent a lot of time together that did not involve any sex.

[Spinning Head]

I thought today would be easier - it's not. I'm still very hurt and in pain. And, I am sure that MM is moving along in life with a smile on his face. MM and I spoke every morning and evening - and, yes, I do miss those talks greatly.

 

I spend my time replaying conversations with MM and trying to digest the fact that everything MM said was a lie. I cannot believe that the last time I saw MM, he sobbed about how much he loved me and could not live without me. That he was telling his W that night that he was leaving her. That he sent text messages to me that night: "She asked me to wait until next week. I love you. I told you I would tell her. Told you she was waiting for the other shoe. What will you do having me all to yourself?" ETC. I even responded "What proof do I have that you spoke to her?" to which he responded "Maybe I should get her to call you" and I responded "Yes".

 

I've thought about sending an e-mail to MM - I've chosen to right here instead. I want to ask MM how he could create the situation he created (and, yes, I know I contributed to it). MM had to know it would come to a head as he knew he would not leave the M. Why hurt his family by doing this?

 

During my discussion with MM's W, I found out that MM had had an affair sixteen years earlier and had a child by that woman. MM and W separated for a couple of months then reconciled. MM pays child support for that child but has no contact with that child. MM's sons do not know about that child. MM's W repeated over and over how disappointed and hurt her sons would be if she were to separate from MM. I did not say anything but what about their half-sibling? How will the sons react when they discover they have a sibling they did not know about - I would think that "secret" will come out at some point.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Wow, a child he only supports financially. I really don't think he's worried at all about the trauma he inflicts on other peoples lives. HE can go on with a smile on his face because he is truly incapable of empathy. HELL, he can't even learn from his own mistakes. I doubt very seriously that you are the first in those sixteen years nor will you be the last. True love to someone like him is only mirrored from someone who sees him as he wants to be seen. Once that mirror cracks he'll have to find it in someone else.

 

Don't send him that email. If you want to truly make an impression, ingore him all together. IWWH

[Owl]

Spinning Head, this is hard to accept, but simple to understand.

 

You were taken in by a gifted liar.

 

I can understand how other posters have said that you've "reaped what you've sewn". But that's not going to do you much good at the moment.

 

Do you have friends, family that you can reach out to for a support structure? Call your mom/sister/best friend...tell them what's happened, and ask them to spend some time with you.

 

Having someone you can talk this over with outside of this forum will give you a much better support system than we can provide.

 

Make sense?

[quankanne]

for your sake, I'm glad the wife was willing to talk to you ... and I hope that it brings about change in his cavalier attitude toward his marriage and about casually lying to other women just to get an outside relationship.

 

frankly, it sucks, what he did to you, but you know what? If you're strong enough to be honest with his wife so that she has a chance to make HER relationship with him work more realistically, then I know you're strong enough to get through the grief and hurt over the relationship you had with him.

 

it'll be hard, but think of the satisfaction of knowing you finally got that lying sack of dog-poop out of your life and out of your heart ... you deserve better.

 

just be strong, and ignore the urges and impulses to keep in contact with him just to get answers. You need to accept that he lied to you intentionally to benefit himself, and make that the final nail in the coffin ... any other conversation with him is just needlessly torturing yourself. And for what purpose? like I said, you deserve better than that.

[Spinning Head]

I realize that many people think that I got what I deserved. And, by no means am I trying to play the 'victim card'. It is easy to judge from the sidelines and think that you'd never put yourself in such a situation. I would have never thought I'd have an affair, but, here I am, wrestling with the aftermath.

 

As far as talking to someone else, I'm not one to talk to others about my personal issues. I rarely do that. In fact, this morning, I was at my desk in agony when a friend called to rant and rave about her husband for fifteen minutes. My sister and one friend know about the affair. I have spoken to my sister about the fallout - well, more like cry to her about it. I hate taking her time with it because I feel like such an idiot. So, I've chosen this forum to vent and seek support.

[wildsoul]

As hard as this sounds, TRY to let go of your obsessive thoughts about him. You are in the phase called "withdrawals" and also shock. So it's normal to obsess. The urge to contact, while very unhealthy for you, is also normal. But try to let these thoughts go, one at a time.

 

There's a great book that helps with the withdrawal stage a lot. It's called "Breaking Your Addiction to a Person" by Howard Halpern.

 

You need a plan for self care, so you can heal without contacting him. Posting here is excellent. Fill up the hours of your day with things besides him. It will be hard for the first week or two, but it will get easier! It will.

[Spinning Head]

Thank you for the book recommendation. I read the reviews of it and it appears to be a good book.

 

Well, I did send a text to MM an hour ago. Yes, I know I should not have done so. MM used to text me and tell me over and over "I won't disappoint you." So, I sent a text message to him "For what its worth, you disappointed me." I know I should have not done so but I did.

 

For some reason, I am more upset about this mess in the morning than in the afternoon. I wake up and it is the first thing that I think about and I immediately start to cry and run the past nine months through my head. I call my sister crying. My friend called me and I started to cry on the phone to him.

 

I read a short article on the internet about dealing with the end of relationships. It suggested looking back on a relationship from 20 years ago and the pain one felt when it ended and how you think about the relationship now - if it all. And, to think about all the events that occurred during that time frame. One good thing about thinking 20 years ahead, I'll be 60, and, hopefully, happy, and MM will be 75 and, hopefully, alone in a resthome or eating dinner alone before the tv.