Will she ever commit?

[Fletch64]

I'm a separated man, and on the brink of an affair with a married colleague. If you think that is wrong, then please stop reading. I'm not looking for a lecture in morality.

 

We have both been married around 8 years, and she has admitted to an 'itch'. We hit it off straight away and have enjoyed a fabulous and flirty friendship. The problem is that it's been on the 'brink' of something physical for around 7 months now, and I am feeling increasingly frustrated over the brick wall we're hitting.

 

The other week we went out on a date (we like to go to fancy restaurants and bars) and enjoyed our first real kiss. I thought it really was the turning point I'd been waiting for, but the next day she was distant and basically I think her feelings of guilt had gotten the better of her. Now she says we're in a 'weird place' and wants to get back what we had before, when it was (as she puts it) all in the anticipation.

 

The devil on my shoulder is telling me that she wants to have her cake and eat it - that she wants to feel a bit naughty by having this flirty relationship with me, but not to do anything physical. The complication is that I know that sexual longing is part of what kicked off our relationship in the first place, and so my fear is that I get so pissed off that I end it, then she eventually caves in and scratches her itch with another man.

 

As I write this I'm painfully aware of sounding like the sad sap who this woman likes 'but not in that way'. However I know that isnt true. We're really into each other and have admitted that were we both single we would definitely be together. So I do believe her hesitation is rooted in fear and guilt over having a physical affair.

 

Is this a hopeless case? Will she ever commit physically to me?

 

Confused.

[OWoman]

I'm a separated man, and on the brink of an affair with a married colleague. If you think that is wrong, then please stop reading. I'm not looking for a lecture in morality.

 

We have both been married around 8 years, and she has admitted to an 'itch'. We hit it off straight away and have enjoyed a fabulous and flirty friendship. The problem is that it's been on the 'brink' of something physical for around 7 months now, and I am feeling increasingly frustrated over the brick wall we're hitting.

 

The other week we went out on a date (we like to go to fancy restaurants and bars) and enjoyed our first real kiss. I thought it really was the turning point I'd been waiting for, but the next day she was distant and basically I think her feelings of guilt had gotten the better of her. Now she says we're in a 'weird place' and wants to get back what we had before, when it was (as she puts it) all in the anticipation.

 

The devil on my shoulder is telling me that she wants to have her cake and eat it - that she wants to feel a bit naughty by having this flirty relationship with me, but not to do anything physical. The complication is that I know that sexual longing is part of what kicked off our relationship in the first place, and so my fear is that I get so pissed off that I end it, then she eventually caves in and scratches her itch with another man.

 

As I write this I'm painfully aware of sounding like the sad sap who this woman likes 'but not in that way'. However I know that isnt true. We're really into each other and have admitted that were we both single we would definitely be together. So I do believe her hesitation is rooted in fear and guilt over having a physical affair.

 

Is this a hopeless case? Will she ever commit physically to me?

 

Confused.

 

Fletch, what are you looking for her, sex or commitment? It seems to me you're conflating the two.

 

Personally, I suspect she's enjoying the freedom and power that playing with her sexuality gives her. It's making her feel alive and giving her some sense of agency in what may have become a stale situation with her M. She's enjoying having options.

 

She said she preferred how things were, with everything "in the anticipation". That should give you your answer. She's getting off on the fantasy, on the "what if", on the potential this ambiguous situation offers her, while at the same time clinging to the security of remaining in her M. If confronted by her H tomorrow, she could easily laugh it off as a mere flirtation, nothing of substance, a happy game to pass the time - or even, a means to inject more passion into her M. Once she crosses the line, she no longer has that out, and has to face the possibility of real consequences.

 

Right now, you want her more physically than she wants you. The minute she "gives in" to you, that power balance shifts, and that's not where she wants to be. If she does have sex with you, prepare to be dumped as that's a real possibility - both because the reality of those consequences will rear up in front of her unavoidably and she'll be facing a choice, and also because the expectation built up by the fantasy is almost certainly going to dwarf the reality, leaving her disappointed - the same experience as the kiss - and you'll be left with post-coital awkwardness that you'll have a hard time dealing with in the workplace.

 

I'd suggest you cut your losses while you're ahead. This is unlikely to work out in your favour, either way.

[Fletch64]

OWoman,

 

Thanks for your analysis - i think you describe the situation very well. As for the sex/commitment thing, what I'm trying to say is that I'm looking for a level of intimacy with her, which needn't be sexual intercourse - it could be anything from cuddling-with-intent upwards - but more importantly a level of accountability or comfort with that physical escalation rather than the seesaw of daring and guilt.

 

Which is not to say in any way that I'm just after sex. We have a strong emotional connection, which I think has flourished because of the lack of physicality, as if all the intensity of our connection has (through circumstance) been channeled into the emotional side. I think its only natural however, that I'm burning to express that emotion physically.

 

Its interesting you diagnose that she's getting off on the fantasy. I'm assuming from your ID that you're a woman, so from a female perspective - is that enough? Is she likely to remain plateaued at that level, or does one thing inevitably lead to another?

[Tomcat33]

I agree with everything OW said.

 

I was also going to add that because she is enjoying this fantasy it seems she does not want to complicate things with entering into a full on affair.

I am also female and I don't think the issue is if fantasy alone is enough or not, I think it is that while she is in fantasy as wrong as that may feel it is still within the realms of what is considered "acceptable" in terms of cheating (in her mind of course). Though she is already emtionally cheating , "in her head" she may feel like this is still ok.

 

Speaking from experience and having been involved with a man I was emotionally entrenched with for over 7 months before he moved out and spererated and anything physical happened between us, it is VERY hard to stay on that plateau. I found it impossible hence the situation I involved myself in. But I was the single person I was not cheating on anyone just refused to be the OW, so I had to keep my sexual and physical needs under control. Prob one of the hardest things I've had to do, it was just SO intense.

[whichwayisup]

The bottomline is, she's married and isn't going to divorce her husband. I'm sure if you wanted to have an affair with her, she'd be very willing - But that is it - You'd just be an affair partner. Don't you want someone that you can offer you more than just stolen moments away from her husband? You're going to get hurt and fall for her if you get involved.

 

Does she have children?

[Owl]

I think you're starting to come to the realization that she IS a cake-eater of sorts...

 

She's married, and apparently wants to keep it that way.

 

You're fulfilling some of her emotional needs with your flirty but NOT "doing the dirty" relationship/friendship with her as well.

 

And she appears to want to keep the status quo in exactly the same fashion its in right now. She has the power and control and the boundaries where she wants them.

 

This situation isn't likely to change.

 

If you're wanting more than what you've got with her right now, you're not likely to get it.

 

Are you "in love" with her? Do you intend to have a "relationship" with her, or are you just looking for the physical? What are you HOPING FOR in this situation?

[Fletch64]

Thanks all, you're telling me what I probably need to hear, even if it's not what I want to hear.

 

Yes, it is love or something like it, but much I too would like the fantasy of us riding off into the sunset, I don't seriously expect her to leave her H (no, no kids). I would be content with an affair we were committed and comfortable with having, though that may be a contradiction in terms. What's driving me mad is the constant will I/won't I, on/off, hot/cold mixed messages I'm getting.

 

You're right, she does therefore have the power, and while part of me is inclined to have it out with her and tell her to make up her damn mind, I fear that ultimatum would only precipitate her making up her mind to call the whole thing off.

 

I just feel she's so close to the edge and I wish I had the words to make her take that final step. Sometimes she even appears to be asking me to find a way to help her rationalise her guilt, which suggests to me that if I can conjure the magic words she'd jump.

[whichwayisup]

Can I ask though, why you'd settle to be an affair partner? Sure, in the heat of the moment I'm sure you'd have fun, and feel good, but as your feelings grow for her, it WILL affect you and you'll hurt alot. Is it worth it?

[Fletch64]

Can I ask though, why you'd settle to be an affair partner? Sure, in the heat of the moment I'm sure you'd have fun, and feel good, but as your feelings grow for her, it WILL affect you and you'll hurt alot. Is it worth it?

 

I know, I know. I guess the real answer is that i'm in too deep to be objective, but there's always the hope that it could be more....

 

Gaaaaah!

[whichwayisup]

Yes, it could be more - But, not until it drags out and everyone suffers alot of pain.

 

The best thing to do is back off and tell her that if she 'wants' you, she must end things with her husband, divorce and THEN you two can date etc..

[Owl]

Agree with WWIU.

 

One thing you learn about affairs if you hang around here or if you've been involved in one from ANY of the "three sides" (wandering spouse, betrayed spouse, or affair partner)...in the end...the vast majority of the time...EVERYONE ends up hurt. You, her, and her H.

 

If you pursue this...it'll likely be awesome in the short term, but totally shattering and devestating in the long term...for ALL of you.

 

Do you want to see her hurt and torn between trying to choose between you and her husband?

 

Your best bet is to either acknowledge how you feel with her, and set a clear boundary of what the basis of your relationship is going to be...or to walk away and wait for the opportunity for a REAL long term relationship.

 

Make sense?

[Tomcat33]

I just feel she's so close to the edge and I wish I had the words to make her take that final step. Sometimes she even appears to be asking me to find a way to help her rationalise her guilt, which suggests to me that if I can conjure the magic words she'd jump.

 

 

If you continue to hang out/ date she more than likely WILL cross the line. It's envitable, so I think there is a good chance she will go for it. However, what will happen after that is this something you are prepared to deal with? All the ramifications and complications emotionally and factually speaking?

[Tomcat33]

Yes, it is love or something like it, but much I too would like the fantasy of us riding off into the sunset, I don't seriously expect her to leave her H (no, no kids). I would be content with an affair we were committed and comfortable with having, though that may be a contradiction in terms. What's driving me mad is the constant will I/won't I, on/off, hot/cold mixed messages I'm getting.

 

 

What if she becomes really attached if you cross the line? Not only attached but messed up about what she wants, do you really want to put HER and yourself through that just to satisfy your urge for more?

 

Look I understand the instensity of what you are feeling, I understand it all too well, it is next to impossible to walk away from a situation like this the feelings are so strong and the magnectic pull is so intense you cannot but have a one track mind. But if you know this woman does not want out of her marriage and you are on the fence about having a long term relationship with her, then why would you invite all this potential for pain and stress into your life?

 

If you think you will be able to have sex and have a no strings attached affair where no one gets attached or hurt you are wrong. Sadly it NEVER EVER plays out that simply.

[mytruelove]

i can totally relate to where your at right now. i have been in the same place. i introduced myself a while ago, maybe you can go read my thread to see my story.

 

i too am divorcing. the house is up for sale and i am just waiting for it to sell. emotionally, things with my soon to be ex have been over for a long long time.

 

i have been friends with my true love for nine years now. the chemistry and attraction was instant...love at first site literally. all my family and friends, even my soon to be ex knows... they could see it written all over my face.

 

timing as always been an issue for us. when i met him-he was married and i was involved and then married. through the years we have developed a real lasting meaningful friendship. he went through a lot of problems in his life, divorced from which he had a child, then he had a child with another woman. i was always there for him and him me.

 

last year, when it became clear that my marriage was over i finally decided to tell him exactly how i felt not wanting to take the risk of losing a chance with him and he returned the same feelings. however, he has a girlfriend.

 

well, things progressed, phone calls, emails, visits, tons of flirting. however, we had both been scared to take things to the next level as we were both afraid to change things between us and our friendship.

 

we fought the urge for a year, and then did become sexual very slowly. so far, we have only had actual intercourse once, but have continued everything else. it felt right and natural, but it was not the way i had wanted with him being worried about being caught and the the complete fear after of did i give too much too soon? he kept asking me if i was okay which was sweet, but then left.

 

it does change things and it is a real test of character after of how both of you would react. it was a little rough for us after with guilt and worry, but we have worked though it... but it is not easy. i have never been soo scared of losing someone in my life. if i could go back i would not go that far until he is completely broken up with his girlfriend. you become very vulnerable and things become very raw, which is probably the concern with her.

 

once you open up that floodgate it is really hard to close it. i am well aware that i risk much hurt. this guy has the ability to hurt me like no other ever has and i know i have to really guard myself. i have no promises he will leave the girlfriend, but i think it must just be a matter of time. i know i don't want to be the other woman and i know that i want and deserve so much more.

 

the fantasy never matches the reality, so whatever you do, you have to make sure it is based on reality. it will change you and your relationship. so, just think very carefully before you act.

[GreenEyedLady]

Is this a hopeless case? Will she ever commit physically to me? Confused.

 

Essentially, you are mad because she won't sleep with you.

 

No, I don't think she'll sleep with you or she would have already.

 

She just wants to use you to make her feel desirable.

[bish]

I'm a separated man, and on the brink of an affair with a married colleague. If you think that is wrong, then please stop reading. I'm not looking for a lecture in morality.

 

Ok, I won't lecture you then.

 

All I can say is I hope she does leave him. He deserves better than a cheating wife.

 

As far as her "committing" to you, what does she know about the word? Nada.

[bish]

essentially, you are mad because she won't sleep with you.

 

bingo!!!!!!!!!!

[SadGuy99]

I know, I know. I guess the real answer is that i'm in too deep to be objective, but there's always the hope that it could be more....

 

Gaaaaah!

 

 

 

Do yourself the biggest favor of your life and dont become an affair partner. It will cause both you and her tremendous pain.

 

Imagine falling deeply in love with someone then imagine losing the person you love over and over again each time you think it will be the last yet it happens again. You will be in a constant struggle with her and another man and she will go back and forth due to confustion. Finally imagine being forced to never even speak to the person you love ever again. That is the most likely outcome.

 

It doesnt wind down like when you end a normal relationship. Its conclusion is abrupt, sudden and unexpected often at the height of your feelings.

 

You seem like that you know its a bad situation to get into. To you its more of a "theroretically bad" with that kind of disconnected feelling, I know because I felt that way too.

 

I'm telling you its not just theroetically bad in the sense of what society thinks about it, its a horrible and miserable way to live, in practice. If you really knew what this is like you wouldnt even consider it. Its not something that you want to do trust me on this.