Is he just being greedy?

[lauz]

Hi everybody,

 

I have been reading the posts on here for a while now and have found so much advice without ever having to post myself. However I just wondered what your opinions are on something that is bothering me.

 

Brief background - I have been in an EA for over a year. MM would cross the line into a PA tomorrow if I’d let him. The only thing that is stopping me from doing that is because I’m not sure how much I trust him. Sometimes I think he lies just to make himself look more exciting, not that he needs to. I have huge feelings for him and he doesn’t need to try and impress me by lying. According to him, his wife has found out about us on several occasions. Every time it has happened I have offered to walk away and have stuck by my word not to contact him - he is always the one to get back in contact and start things again.

 

The thing that bothers me is when our EA began, he was very unhappy in his marriage. From what MM has said, at the moment things between he and his wife are probably at the best they have been in a long while. They seem to have reignited the spark that was missing in their relationship. In that case I really don’t understand why he is still in contact with me.

I know I should ask him out right but I don’t want to be a burden on him. I guess I feel I don’t have a right to make any demands on him as I know he isn’t truly “mine”

 

So I was wondering if any of you have been in a similar situation and if so how things worked out.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[stampdaddy]

I am in my "relationship" for 3 1/2 years now, and am STILL alone and dont have a clue. All along, being told that "she is coming".. What does that tell you? Do YOU have 3 1/2 years to throw away, especially when he is NOT "promising you he is coming?"

[LucreziaBorgia]

In a strange sort of way, your affair with him is helping to prop up his marriage. All the needs he perceives as not being met in his marriage are met with you. Since the things he takes issue with are taken care of outside of the marriage, he gets to focus on the things that do work in his marriage and enjoy them.

 

If you were to disappear, he would be back to being frustrated at not getting his needs met and taking it out on his wife, thus making the marriage uncomfortable for him. I expect if you were to walk, he would simply find another OW to take your place in order to get those needs met instead of trying to work with his wife to find a way to get them met from within the marriage.

 

I don't know if he is simply greedy, but its apparent that he needs a crutch, and you are it. Does that sort of relationship fulfill you? If not, then your best bet would be to walk away permanently. He obviously gets enough needs met in his marriage that he won't divorce, so the best you can hope for is to be his emotional 'filler material'.

[lauz]

Thanks guys.

 

Lucrezia - you are so right. He has even said that he gets from me what his wife refuses to give him! I've found that I'm too stubborn to give in and contact him when we say goodbye. Unfortunately as soon as he contacts me, all of my good intentions fly out of the window.

[norajane]

What are YOU getting out of this? What do you want out of life? Are you likely to get it with this MM?

[Gwyneth]

In a strange sort of way, your affair with him is helping to prop up his marriage. All the needs he perceives as not being met in his marriage are met with you. Since the things he takes issue with are taken care of outside of the marriage, he gets to focus on the things that do work in his marriage and enjoy them.

 

If you were to disappear, he would be back to being frustrated at not getting his needs met and taking it out on his wife, thus making the marriage uncomfortable for him. I expect if you were to walk, he would simply find another OW to take your place in order to get those needs met instead of trying to work with his wife to find a way to get them met from within the marriage.

 

I don't know if he is simply greedy, but its apparent that he needs a crutch, and you are it. Does that sort of relationship fulfill you? If not, then your best bet would be to walk away permanently. He obviously gets enough needs met in his marriage that he won't divorce, so the best you can hope for is to be his emotional 'filler material'.

 

Someone, and maybe You were the one, said this to me way back. It kind of does make sense, if you want to admit that to yourself. I find with my MM that his marriage runs in circles from a high to a low within a 24-hour period. Pretty pathetic. He knows he shouldn't be in the marriage--but he has this ego problem about the whole divorce thing.

 

Anyway, I too have refrained from sexual intercourse with MM and we are in our fifth month of whatever this is. I think that's Great you have been with your MM for one year and have had no intervourse--says something about him too. He probably cares and respects you and your choices, and doesn't want to let go of you because you are like a comfort zone for him. MM become confused and they become very much in love with another woman while most likely still in love with their wife--who they are more than likely in a bad marriage with.

 

Some people are better off being friends or dating rather than being married--this might be the case for your MM and his wife, which is why they seem to have a high and low. At times when they are at a high, they might be at that friendship standpoint, then when they realize they are married and those married responsibilities kick in, they enter their low.

[phoenixrising]

Hi everyone -

 

After nearly a year of reading all the posts to this site - and feeling as though I know nearly everyone here - I felt compelled to respond to this particular thread... my MM is now an xMM thanks to all of you, and especially to you, LucreziaBorgia. We have a lot in common, I think. Hope you are doing well.

 

My xMM stated that he had been unhappy in his marriage for nearly 15 years. After we had been in our relationship for about 2 years he told me that his life with his wife, his kids, and his community was much more rewarding - because of his affair with me. He told me that I filled what what missing in his life, and because of this his marriage was stronger. You can imagine what that did to my heart.... It took me another year - and frequent visits to this website - to finally make the break.

 

I would encourage every OW here to take the "challenge" posed here recently - go NC for at least 4 months... it gives you a new perspective. That's what I needed to pull away, and to see how I was actually helping his marriage by being the OW. It had been a three-year roller coaster ride, and I'm glad I got off.

 

Though he's a cheater, confused, selfish (and all those other things inherent in a MM who cheats) I still love him unconditionally - in fact, he's the only man I've ever loved, strangely enough - but I love myself just as much. And I wasn't in the relationship to make his marriage better. As he hadn't lived with his wife for a year when I met him I trusted his words (which weren't followed up by actions - surprise, surprise).

 

Thanks to all of you. I couldn't have done it without the help of all the MM, BS, and OW posting to this website.

[OpenBook]

Phoenix, I'm glad you finally decided to jump in!! I gotta ask... I think what your MM told you was unspeakably cruel, and I don't understand it. Do you think he enjoyed telling you that - wanted to see you suffer? What was his purpose in saying that? "Na-na-na, you can't have me"??

 

My xMM stated that he had been unhappy in his marriage for nearly 15 years. After we had been in our relationship for about 2 years he told me that his life with his wife, his kids, and his community was much more rewarding - because of his affair with me. He told me that I filled what what missing in his life, and because of this his marriage was stronger. You can imagine what that did to my heart.... It took me another year - and frequent visits to this website - to finally make the break.

[Gwyneth]

That's HORRIBLE that MM did that to you--I think there would be some ball kicking if he was doing this to me in that way. Well I went into this affair with the Full knowledge that he is most likely lying, and yada yada. I have had even single guys lie to me so lying I can get over. Sometimes it takes risking to lose someone or even something to realize how important what we already have is to us. I learned that at a young age when I destroyed toys then mom would buy me a new one but it just wasn't the same after a while. I try and see if this MM is doing that but judging from how he handles all other difficult situations in his life, I don't think he is using me to build a stronger marriage. I think his marriage was doomed from wedding day (hello, how do you know someone well enough to marry them after dating barely five months?).

 

I know my viewpoints have changes a bit and more and more the more I come here and that is a wonderful thing. That's probably the only reason I still come here--I mean, if I feel the need to be trashed and harshly juded, I could Always call a few of my friends and tell them I'm dating a MM. I come here though because there are a few that actually do care--send me a PM, and let me know that they are here for me and that I can talk to them if I feel the need to--and that's nice and comforting. While there is a lot of negative support here, there is that very small percentage of positive and strong support that we will remember and thank, as you are doing, some day.

[phoenixrising]

... I don't think it was cruel at all. I asked him from the start to always be completely honest with me, even if the truth hurt. I feel that was part of what drew us together and kept us close - the ability to be totally honest. Honesty certainly creates a lot of intimacy. (Not that I don't have doubts about how honest he was with me, but I really don't have any reason to think otherwise.)

[Gwyneth]

... I don't think it was cruel at all. I asked him from the start to always be completely honest with me, even if the truth hurt. I feel that was part of what drew us together and kept us close - the ability to be totally honest. Honesty certainly creates a lot of intimacy. (Not that I don't have doubts about how honest he was with me, but I really don't have any reason to think otherwise.)

 

Maybe I misread what you said (most likely as I'm tired). Well if You are okay with what happened, then I am too I just think I would be upset if MM said to me "thank you, it was great, but after bveing with you I now realize how valuable my marriage is to me." Maybe in a way you can see this positively, and I'm ALL about looking at things in the positive light. Oh,and that's just an example, now how i think it went between you and He.

[Gwyneth]

oooo, one more thing...I think MM and I are pretty honest with each other too. I think that makes the R much stronger and open when there is complete honesty with each other--from the beginning.

[Leia]

Gwyneth, I asked you on your thread but you didn't acknowledge it or maybe you haven't gotten to it... anyway, are you THE Gwyneth Paltrow? Considering that you have your own celebrity forum.... what happened to Chris Martin? He's awesome... not that good looking but great musician...

[Leia]

Lauz... I'm sorry but the best is for you to move on. You deserve more than a part time lover...

[frannie]

The thing that bothers me is when our EA began, he was very unhappy in his marriage. From what MM has said, at the moment things between he and his wife are probably at the best they have been in a long while. They seem to have reignited the spark that was missing in their relationship. In that case I really don’t understand why he is still in contact with me.

 

I know I should ask him out right but I don’t want to be a burden on him. I guess I feel I don’t have a right to make any demands on him as I know he isn’t truly “mine”.

 

Hmm it's probably as others have said: that he needs you there in order to keep the spark going. Or thinks he does.

 

I'd also say: what are you getting out of this, is it making you happy?

 

And thirdly, yes you do have a right to ask him questions and insist on good treatment and honesty. You might not get it (!) but you certainly have every right to ask for it and make your feelings, thoughts and needs known. If he can't keep you happy, then why would you continue to prop up his marriage??

[justice]

I think I'd be asking the question to myself, what am I really taking from or getting out of this relationship. It doesn't seem like your mm is looking to get out of his M. What are you looking for with this man? Where do you see your relationship with him going? Is it everything you want it to be or is there maybe something more that is missing?

[Gwyneth]

Gwyneth, I asked you on your thread but you didn't acknowledge it or maybe you haven't gotten to it... anyway, are you THE Gwyneth Paltrow? Considering that you have your own celebrity forum.... what happened to Chris Martin? He's awesome... not that good looking but great musician...

 

Are you for real? Yes, I remember seeing that, but I thought you were kidding. Now I don't think you are kidding. No, I'm not Gwyneth Paltrow. My name happens to be Gwyneth, and I happen to like her I don't know anything about her marriage nor do I care--she's a celeb and I do know that she and her hub like to keep their marriage out of the media, which is probably why media now says they are separated. Whatever.

[Gwyneth]

Hence one of the reasons his and others marriages are in trouble, not being honest with the W about the affairs(emotional and physical) and the ONS they are having. I guess I will never understand or it isn't meant for me to understand, how a person who is stepping outside of their marriage and lying and deceiving the spouse to do it, are considered honest and good by the OP. It confuses the heck out of me.

 

Not only you hun. Me too! I told him he should just be honest with his wife instead of creating lie after lie about who I am. I think it all has to do with him (and any cheating man) feeling like he's a loser and letting down his family. That's just an ego thing--it's all about the MM, not about anyone else, when it comes to being honest with the wife. My father admitted to my mom YEARS later that he had cheated on her. She "knew," but didn't know for sure. I have asked MM many times to tell his wife, but I will not be his mother and dictate to him what he should and should not do. I can only worry about my R with him--not his R's with his wife or family. It's really non of my business how he chooses to be in his marriage--that's his choice, and if he wants to like to his wife, he can, I am not here to tell him he cannot. Do I think it's wrong that he does? Yes, but I think he's also doing me a favor by not telling his wife that he is cheating with that Gwyneth girl.

[Gwyneth]

At least he didn't lie to her in order to string her along so he could get what he wanted. He told her the truth, and that truth was a huge part, I'm sure, of what it took to give her the strength to end things.

 

Absolutely. My MM is honest with me too, and that's what makes this a strong R because it's more than just the sexual stuff--it's friendship. If you can have friendship, then you can have mostly anything you want from the person (honsety, easy breakup, etc.).

[lauz]

What am I getting from our relationship?

 

Well we just get on fantastically. We don't necessarily like the same things but we want the same things from life. We have had similar life experiences and just know each other so well. We were both attracted to each other instantly and things have just got better as we have spent more time with each other.

 

To begin with he was ready to leave his family for me but I didn't want him to rush into something with me and then regret it later, so we had a break from each other for a few months. He got back in contact with me. Having spent that time apart had done nothing to change how I felt for him, he says he feels the same. He's admitted that he is holding back a bit because he is worried I don't feel as strongly as he does. That isn't true. I just don't think we could have a proper relationship because I don't think we would ever fully trust one another and I want to be in a relationship where I can trust my partner 100%.

 

With that in mind I think the next time we get chance to be alone I might just lay my cards on the table and see what he thinks about where our relationship is heading.

 

Thank you all so much for replying.

[frannie]

... when our EA began, he was very unhappy in his marriage. From what MM has said, at the moment things between he and his wife are probably at the best they have been in a long while. They seem to have reignited the spark that was missing in their relationship. In that case I really don’t understand why he is still in contact with me.

 

To begin with he was ready to leave his family for me but I didn't want him to rush into something with me and then regret it later, so we had a break from each other for a few months. He got back in contact with me. Having spent that time apart had done nothing to change how I felt for him, he says he feels the same. He's admitted that he is holding back a bit because he is worried I don't feel as strongly as he does.

 

... With that in mind I think the next time we get chance to be alone I might just lay my cards on the table and see what he thinks about where our relationship is heading.

 

lauz, since you're going to talk to him about this, I just thought I'd bring this up:

 

In the beginning he told you he was "ready to leave his marriage", but as time has gone on that has become less true by his own admission, saying things between him and his W are really good now. So, the question would be: then does he now see any reason to leave such a marriage? Many MM don't even leave if the relationship with their W is in tatters.

 

Even so he feels the need to tell you that he is "holding back" on leaving his marriage because he doesn't feel that your feelings for him are as strong as his? This doesn't look right to me. No one should be leaving a marriage (or not) based on the strength of another person's feelings. What is he saying, if you would love him enough he'd leave? Sorry to sound blunt but that isn't rational talk to me, and if it were me I'd be bringing that up in any discussion with him.

 

I feel that although you are reticent to be straight with him for whatever reason, this is your future lauz and you need to call him on what's in his mind, and what his intentions are. You do have that right

[phoenixrising]

What am I getting from our relationship?

 

Well we just get on fantastically. We don't necessarily like the same things but we want the same things from life. We have had similar life experiences and just know each other so well. We were both attracted to each other instantly and things have just got better as we have spent more time with each other.

 

To begin with he was ready to leave his family for me but I didn't want him to rush into something with me and then regret it later, so we had a break from each other for a few months. He got back in contact with me. Having spent that time apart had done nothing to change how I felt for him, he says he feels the same. He's admitted that he is holding back a bit because he is worried I don't feel as strongly as he does. That isn't true. I just don't think we could have a proper relationship because I don't think we would ever fully trust one another and I want to be in a relationship where I can trust my partner 100%.

 

With that in mind I think the next time we get chance to be alone I might just lay my cards on the table and see what he thinks about where our relationship is heading.

 

L - you are exactly where I was with my relationship awhile back... the same instant attraction, the same progression of deeper feelings... we had an absolutely AMAZING connection from the beginning. He said, also, that he'd been planning to leave for awhile, and that if he "felt the same way about me in 6 months" he would take action. Then it was a year, then 2 years, then when there weren't so many crises occurring within his family - then, then, then. And all the time we are growing closer, and it became harder and harder for us to imagine not having each other. He did express that he wondered how long my feelings for him would last, several times. He said he thought they would go away - but they didn't. And his feelings for me didn't go away, either. If that happens, L, and he stays with his wife, nothing will hurt worse, and it will be difficult to understand.

 

Finally I did lay the cards on the table, gently but firmly. And it was then he said he just didn't have the strength to leave his family... but at least it was honest, and I could make a choice for my future based on the reality of his situation. Note - HE didn't lay the cards on the table, I did. You may need to be the strong one, for your own sake.

 

You have every right to ask him where your relationship is headed. You have every right to get what you deserve out of life, and out of a relationship. I would encourage you to live more in the moment - at this moment you may love him... but also at this moment he is married. The longer you stay, the more it will hurt... ending our R was the most heart wrenching thing I'd ever done. But I do believe that if his feelings are true, he will do whatever it takes to be with me. Only time will give me the answer - but as long as I was there, he had no reason to change...

 

Good luck, my thoughts are with you.