Im having a LDR with a MM- am I totally mad?!

[CAT100]

Hey everyone Ive been lurking on here for a while & finally decided to post. None of my friends/family know my full situation & sometimes its hard not getting a 2nd opinion so thats why Im here.

 

Ok basically Ive been involved with a MM for just over 5 years. His wife found out about us very early on & was angry but not distraught, she said she just wanted him as he was a great father to their 2 kids. He has had affairs before & she didnt seem shocked to find out about me. Since then she has found out stuff every so often- checked his phone or emails etc & sent me messages saying she knows its still going on.

 

Anyway, for the last 3 years he has been saying he wants to be with me, live with me, get married to me etc. It has been finances getting in the way- he nearly went bankrupt & Im a student so neither if us had the money to put a deposit down for a house. I still live at home with my parents & I dont have the money to move out as Im in my last year of studying. His house is mainly owned by his wife as she inherited it. We have always said we will move out as soon as things improve with his work & I finish studying as then I can start my career.

 

This year he's got back on his feet financially & has bought a business abroad (his wife remortgaged the house in order to lend him the money) and things seemed to be looking up. I have accompanied him every month this year when he's been working abroad & we have spent a lot of time together.

 

He said to me that he would stay abroad for 2-3weeks a month & come back here to see his kids & me. However, he recently told me his wife cant handle the kids full time & they miss him so much that they are all moving abroad with him!! We had a major argument & he said that he would still come back once a month to see me & deal with the side of his work based here. He said he'll have his business abroad finished by summer next year & then will sell it & move back here. With the money from the sale of the business he will be able to pay back his wife & also have enough left over to move in with me.

 

He was very upset, said he didnt want to loose me, said he'll call me all the time & when he comes back every month we'll have a week or so together nearly 24/7.

 

I am accepting this because I love him, I believe him & I cant just throw the last 5 years away. I have decided if he's not back by next summer then I wont wait any more. He is adamant it will not be any longer. I guess I just want some advice, I know it will be really tough not seeing him for 3 weeks at a time & I will be very worried that the whole family might settle where they are abroad & decide not to come back! What do you guys think? Am I being a total idiot? For me, I guess this is the last chance, if he doesnt come back when he says & we are not together in a years time then there is no financial reason, it would be because its not what he wants, no excuses.

 

Any input would be great, thanks guys.

[LucreziaBorgia]

This man isn't ever leaving. His wife knows about you, and allows him to stay married to her. Why would he divorce and demote himself down to a part time parent, when its not necessary? He gets to keep his wife/family and he gets to keep you on the side. For him its not broken, so why would he fix it? He is getting the best of both worlds: a wife who looks the other way, and a girlfriend who knows her place.

 

Neither of you are knocking him off the fence, but I can tell you this - if he was to be knocked off the fence it would not be in your favor. He and his wife just made a major investment together, and he can't even go a few weeks without his wife and family by his side - and you actually expect him to leave permanently? Sorry, but that isn't going to happen.

 

He's happy seeing you when its convenient for him - that works best for him.

You'll either have to accept your permanent and limited place as the OW in this relationship, or you will have to move on.

[frannie]

Oh gosh... well, I have to say I agree with LB... if his W knows what he is like and he's making the plans that he's making, then it doesn't look good. He has two women in his life who each know about the other, and are pretty much prepared to share him...

 

I can understand your not wanting to throw away five years, but what's worse... throwing away five, or six..? Or seven..?

 

If I were you I'd make this moving abroad thing your chance to let this go... and start your new post-graduation life afresh, without him.

 

Sorry...

[scaredinlove]

I am a OW and I have been in a R for almost 5yrs too. His W knows about me but she thinks we are not having a affair anylonger.

He is not leaving, my MM.

 

Sorry for say that but yours is leading you on. I agree with both LB and Frannie.

 

Sorry.

[bish]

Your question was, that you are having an affair with a MM...are you totally mad?

 

Yes

[CAT100]

I appreciate what you have all said & I kinda expected it but it still hurts to read

This LDR thing has only been the last month or so, and he said it was all about his kids not her. He has boys & they are a bit unmanageable, his wife just said she couldnt deal with having full time responsibility for them for 2-3 weeks out of 4 for the next year.

So he said he had to move the kids to be with him otherwise they'd go off the rails. I do see that his kids have to come first & this has been something Ive never had a problem with.

I just cant throw everything away now because of this move. His house here is currently being rented out until they all come back. I made enquiries with the estate agent & they said the rental agreement is 1 year, which is what he said.

For me I need to wait until the deadline has passed, and get on with getting a job here etc so that if (hopefully more 'when' not 'if') he comes back there will be no reason for us to not be together. There will not be finances to hide behind, if thats what he's doing.

I guess until then I will have hope & this is last chance time, if things are not worked out next summer then Ill call it quits but until then I just cant

I know some of you may think Im being pathetic & I can understand that, but Ive put so much into this relationship that I cant quit until its really spelled out for me & I have lost all hope. And until the deadline of next summer Im going to keep hanging in there

[Hurt & Alone]

After reading your post I wonder if the W is still aware of his A. Did he tell you this? Have you been in contact with her to know his statements are truthful? I can not comprehend a woman sharing her husband. From your story that you posted, she had loaned him money to buy a buisiness over seas and moved the family to be with him does not sound as if the marriage is ending or that she plans on leaving him. Woman do not lend thier WS money to better WS's life if thier own is falling apart. It just does not make any sense to me. Could be wrong though. I would not wait until next summer to find out. If she truly knows the A has continued and has no problems withit then he should not mind if you verify this information with her, right?

[frannie]

I guess until then I will have hope & this is last chance time, if things are not worked out next summer then Ill call it quits but until then I just cant

I know some of you may think Im being pathetic & I can understand that, but Ive put so much into this relationship that I cant quit until its really spelled out for me & I have lost all hope. And until the deadline of next summer Im going to keep hanging in there

 

Well some people on here will think you're 'pathetic' and a lot worse, but who cares what some people think..?

 

You're being honest with yourself about how you feel now, and what you think you can do. Personally I think that's a lot better than a load of bluster and anger, NC and then reversing the whole thing because you miss him.

 

People have said they can't see a lot of reason to be hopeful in your situation, and objectively you would probably say the same. But when you're in it, the hope is there, and the relationship and feelings are real so... what can you do..?

 

The thing is, your MM has several reasons why he 'can't' leave... first finances, then kids (or that his W can't cope)... plus he also has a very understanding W who is more than willing to put up with his behaviour. AND he's had affairs before. I mean.. that's one huge catalogue of reasons not to take a word of his about leaving. What possible reason could he have for leaving..?

[CAT100]

^ The last time I had contact with her was about a year ago, when she opened his emails & found some from me. She sent me an email saying 'Well I see you are still seeing ********, perhaps you could get in touch & let me know what your intentions are?' I didnt speak to her but I emailed her back.

 

Have not heard from her since then so it is quite possible that she doesnt know its still going on. He says he doesnt see the point in 'rubbing her face in it' until he has a moving out date. I have met her on a few occasions & she has said she just wants a family unit & he is much better at dealing with the kids than her. She also said she doesnt appreciate him getting up to stuff whilst living in her house, and if he wants to be a player why doesnt he just move out. As I said, she wasnt hugely upset, more angry. Up until recently she has always had more money than him so I guess hes been 'keeping her sweet' in order to borrow money for his business.

 

At least they havent sold the house here, its only rented for a year. He has been re assuring me, calling me a lot, crying (which Ive never seen him do before & really shocked me) saying hes counting the days till he can sell up & move back here. He says he wants to have children with me, wants to marry me, Im his soulmate. I have to give him this one last chance I just have to

[CAT100]

(My last reply was to Hurt& alone regards last contact with his wife. )

 

Frannie- thanks, for me its been so long that Im not going to give up unless I have to.

Hes had affairs before as his marriage was going downhill a long time ago, but the kids were young so they decided to live under the same roof but that was it. His wife even confirmed this to me.

He said to me that I am the best thing to happen to him & he wants to be with me for the rest of his life.

When he moves back here, he said he will want to live near the kids & he thinks his wife will let him have unlimited access, so this is what Im waiting for- to see if this happens. Whilst hes in another country he has ti be with his kids & unfortunately that also involves being with their mother

[Hurt & Alone]

^ The last time I had contact with her was about a year ago, when she opened his emails & found some from me. She sent me an email saying 'Well I see you are still seeing ********, perhaps you could get in touch & let me know what your intentions are?' I didnt speak to her but I emailed her back.

 

Have not heard from her since then so it is quite possible that she doesnt know its still going on. He says he doesnt see the point in 'rubbing her face in it' until he has a moving out date. I have met her on a few occasions & she has said she just wants a family unit & he is much better at dealing with the kids than her. She also said she doesnt appreciate him getting up to stuff whilst living in her house, and if he wants to be a player why doesnt he just move out. As I said, she wasnt hugely upset, more angry. Up until recently she has always had more money than him so I guess hes been 'keeping her sweet' in order to borrow money for his business.

 

At least they havent sold the house here, its only rented for a year. He has been re assuring me, calling me a lot, crying (which Ive never seen him do before & really shocked me) saying hes counting the days till he can sell up & move back here. He says he wants to have children with me, wants to marry me, Im his soulmate. I have to give him this one last chance I just have to

 

Good luck to you and I hope everything works out the way you want it to.

[whichwayisup]

He said to me that I am the best thing to happen to him & he wants to be with me for the rest of his life.

When he moves back here, he said he will want to live near the kids & he thinks his wife will let him have unlimited access, so this is what Im waiting for- to see if this happens. Whilst hes in another country he has ti be with his kids & unfortunately that also involves being with their mother

 

If this is really true, then what you need to do for yourself is tell him goodbye, for now - Go no contact and let him know that you won't be the OW in his life anymore AND when the papers are signed, sealed and delivered, THEN you two can hook up...Make it more honest and start it off properly, rather than you stay the OW in his life. I don't get how some expect someone to jump out of a marriage and right smack into another committed relationship so quickly after a marriage ending...People need time to heal and to be alone between relationships, rid of some emotional baggage.

[frannie]

Have not heard from her since then so it is quite possible that she doesnt know its still going on. He says he doesnt see the point in 'rubbing her face in it' until he has a moving out date. I have met her on a few occasions & she has said she just wants a family unit & he is much better at dealing with the kids than her. She also said she doesnt appreciate him getting up to stuff whilst living in her house, and if he wants to be a player why doesnt he just move out. As I said, she wasnt hugely upset, more angry. Up until recently she has always had more money than him so I guess hes been 'keeping her sweet' in order to borrow money for his business.

 

At least they havent sold the house here, its only rented for a year. He has been re assuring me, calling me a lot, crying (which Ive never seen him do before & really shocked me) saying hes counting the days till he can sell up & move back here. He says he wants to have children with me, wants to marry me, Im his soulmate. I have to give him this one last chance I just have to

 

She's said she wants him because of the 'family unit' and that he's a good father. But she's also said that if he's having affairs she doesn't want him? Which is why he's not 'rubbing her nose in it' (i.e. telling her the truth) because she'd kick him out. So he's staying married because of financial reasons..?

 

Because if he's such a good father, surely it would be better to move out and share custody..? Or something practical..?

 

Why do people get themselves into such messes..? That's rhetorical... I'm in a similar sort of situation myself, only my MM's W has no real idea what's happening. I say to myself that if she DID and he lied to her about it then I'd be disgusted with him, but what's the difference really..?

 

Tell me again what's supposed to happen in a year's time that will change this situation in any way..? Is she suddenly going to be 'better with the kids' (whatever that is about), or he going to be less needy of fleecing her financially while sleeping with and promising a future to someone else..?

[frannie]

If this is really true, then what you need to do for yourself is tell him goodbye, for now - Go no contact and let him know that you won't be the OW in his life anymore AND when the papers are signed, sealed and delivered, THEN you two can hook up...Make it more honest and start it off properly, rather than you stay the OW in his life. I don't get how some expect someone to jump out of a marriage and right smack into another committed relationship so quickly after a marriage ending...People need time to heal and to be alone between relationships, rid of some emotional baggage.

 

While that might seem logical, I've really never read of a MM leaving his marriage for 'himself' without an OW somewhere in the background. I know there's OldEurope but she seems to be by far the exception in this, and her NC was short... certainly not a year of nothing...

 

But of course, leaping out of one relationship straight into another isn't a brilliant idea. Bit late for that though if these two have been together for five years already...

[CAT100]

 

Tell me again what's supposed to happen in a year's time that will change this situation in any way..? Is she suddenly going to be 'better with the kids' (whatever that is about), or he going to be less needy of fleecing her financially while sleeping with and promising a future to someone else..?

 

In a year the situation will be different in that he will have sold his business so will financially be in a position to move out.

Re the kids- the reason they are with him now is he will only be able to come back here 1 week out of 4, and this is not enough time with them & his wife cant cope with them alone for this length of time

When he comes back however, he and I can live near his wife & kids & so he can see them whenever he wants (as opposed to being in another country)

[norajane]

He has boys & they are a bit unmanageable, his wife just said she couldnt deal with having full time responsibility for them for 2-3 weeks out of 4 for the next year.

So he said he had to move the kids to be with him otherwise they'd go off the rails. I do see that his kids have to come first & this has been something Ive never had a problem with.

If this is true, what makes you believe his wife would be able to handle the kids full time in a divorce? You think those kids won't 'go off the rails' when dad leaves the house permanently and they only spend every other weekend with him?

 

Or are you thinking he'll have joint custody and the kids will be living with him and you half the time?

 

Regardless, they aren't miserable and getting ready to divorce if she invested in THEIR business and THEY moved the family abroad. When THEY sell THEIR business and move back, THEY will pay off the mortgage on the house and any remaining profits will be THEIR profits - not just his. So he's not going to be in a much better financial situation.

 

Remember, if he divorces, he will have to pay child support to his wife, and maybe alimony. Where's he going to get the money for that, plus money for the home you two are supposed to have, especially since he won't even have a job when he gets back? Where will all that money come from?

 

Please, take this opportunity to get your head clear and be free of him! He's not leaving his family, and the longer you stay stuck in this relationship, the longer it's going to be before you are able to be open to other relationships - and the longer it will be before you meet a man who is all about YOU, and not all about HIMSELF.

[CAT100]

^ I see what you're saying & just because Ive made up my mind to stick this out doesnt mean Im not having doubts & worrying.

Regards his kids- post divorce he would see them regularly- ie on a near daily basis. He wont be a 2 weekends a month dad for sure.

Regards money- he will let his wife have the family house, they wont sell up & split it. Therefore in return he will have the money from the sale of the business as 'his' money and will only have to pay her back the loan.

Also, he does have a business based here, which is still ticking over & he will concentrate on that when he returns, so its not like he wont have a job here.

I have got next summer as my deadline & I will stick to that. It will be devastating for me if he doesnt return or does return but goes back to the family home but if that happens Im not going to continue being the OW.

The reason Ive stuck with him so long is that I believe one day I will not be the OW and I would not stay with him if he came back & said he wasnt going to be with me.

If I finish it now I will always be wondering 'what if'. I have to give him this last chance. I will be getting on with my life in the meantime- I have studying to do & then I can get a job. I will save up as well so that I can help financially when he returns.

People may think Im deluded but its hard to explain, when Im with him he is so sincere & I believe him & feel his emotion. He was the one that first initiated the 'where are we going' talk, he says hes scared of losing me, he is always telling me to keep believing in us & I still do. We've been on holiday numerous times, he is in touch constantly & has given me a list of dates of when hes back in the country & says that apart from checking his UK business, the rest of the week he will be with me.

I guess Ill have to see how the long distance thing goes & keep myself busy until he comes back but I do hope & pray that everything will work out because I love him so much & I do want to spend the rest of my life with him

[whichwayisup]

when Im with him he is so sincere & I believe him & feel his emotion.

 

And I bet he pours it on for his wife as well.

 

The other thing is, he's sooo used to having TWO women in his life, fulfilling all his needs. Why would he really want to give one of you up? Think about it...

 

I have got next summer as my deadline & I will stick to that. I will be devastating for me if he doesnt return or does return but goes back to the family home but if that happens Im not going to continue being the OW.

 

I hope you stick to this plan because sooo many OW have been where you are and continue to wait ... And wait... And wait...Wasting their lives for a MM to leave his wife and family.

[Reckless]

As I get older I realise that my life is what happens while I'm waiting. The decisions we make when we think there's time to back out are what shape our lives.

 

You have decided to dedicate yourself to a man with a family and children of his own that has clearly chosen not to make you his absolute priority. You are blocking the door for another life - a life with a man that is free and willing to be yours 100 %. You can rationalize all you like but take my word, you are rationalizing your life away.

 

You have already spent what is is? five years... you are setting yourself up to spend 5, 10 15 more .. and when the kids are grown and the wife is fed up and the business is stable and everything is in place.. well you just might find that either he doesn't want you or you don't want him and there ya go.. a good proportion of your life, wasted.

 

If only our mothers had taught us what we were worth, the all or nothing thing would have stopped this woman from settling for marriage in name only and you from believing a week a month is a 'good deal'.

[scaredinlove]

I appreciate what you have all said & I kinda expected it but it still hurts to read

This LDR thing has only been the last month or so, and he said it was all about his kids not her. He has boys & they are a bit unmanageable, his wife just said she couldnt deal with having full time responsibility for them for 2-3 weeks out of 4 for the next year.

So he said he had to move the kids to be with him otherwise they'd go off the rails. I do see that his kids have to come first & this has been something Ive never had a problem with.

I just cant throw everything away now because of this move. His house here is currently being rented out until they all come back. I made enquiries with the estate agent & they said the rental agreement is 1 year, which is what he said.

For me I need to wait until the deadline has passed, and get on with getting a job here etc so that if (hopefully more 'when' not 'if') he comes back there will be no reason for us to not be together. There will not be finances to hide behind, if thats what he's doing.

I guess until then I will have hope & this is last chance time, if things are not worked out next summer then Ill call it quits but until then I just cant

I know some of you may think Im being pathetic & I can understand that, but Ive put so much into this relationship that I cant quit until its really spelled out for me & I have lost all hope. And until the deadline of next summer Im going to keep hanging in there

 

Cat

I hate to say this but a yr from now the kids will be still there, maning the reason for him to stay married will be still there...

 

Listen if you want stay because you love him than do it. I am staying and my is not leaving. Just don't build up hope because you will get so hurt that it is not even funny.

 

Sorry I have benn thru a lot and I hate to see you suffer.

 

Make it YOUR choice not his. He may never leave.

 

The OW has only two choices, stay and accept thing as they are or leave.

 

Don't torture yourself. maybe now you will not undestand what I am saying but down the line you will.

 

Don't agonize all yr round. Just tell yourself he is not leaving but you want to be in the affair anyway.If he leaves Great. If not you won't be hurt.

 

((hugs))))))

[Mustang Sally]

Question: Im having a LDR with a MM- am I totally mad?!

 

Answer: No....but you ARE settling for less than you deserve.

 

 

 

Good luck with that.

[frannie]

In a year the situation will be different in that he will have sold his business so will financially be in a position to move out.

Re the kids- the reason they are with him now is he will only be able to come back here 1 week out of 4, and this is not enough time with them & his wife cant cope with them alone for this length of time

When he comes back however, he and I can live near his wife & kids & so he can see them whenever he wants (as opposed to being in another country)

 

OK. That sounds logical enough. And I don't think there's any real way you can tell what will or won't happen in a year's time anyway. Whatever the circumstances next September he could still find half a dozen reasons why he can't be with you. And you WILL understand, sympathise, and you will have then invested six years of your life.

 

But you're not going to just give up on him at this moment, because of your years already invested, the fact you believe in his love (and I'm not saying he doesn't love you...), and the fact you have reasons to hope and he has some good excuses/reasons to stay married.

 

SO. What do you do..?

 

Find a way to not give up on him and the possibilities, but put yourself first. Don't put your life on hold for him. Take up all opportunities offered, even if (perhaps especially if) they conflict with this future you and he have envisaged. GO OUT to deliberately embrace life and everything it has to offer you. You only get one chance, so don't go blowing another 12 months mooching around waiting for that special tomorrow because that's no way to live.

 

Think about this: he's off abroad with his family... (for whatever reasons doesn't matter)... is he putting your relationship first..? NO. Don't you invest one iota more into this than he is doing, because if you do, you'll be kicking yourself in a year's time.

 

All you're doing is narrowing down your options when you should be ready to take flight and enjoy your future...

 

Think of him, and a future with him as one possibility out of a hundred you could have... and then allow those other possibilities to happen...

[CAT100]

^ Thank you, I think that is very constructive advice. I have decided that I will use this time almost as an opportunity to get on with my life, as in finish my studies, get a job, see my friends etc. When he was here, Id re arrange my week around him & I held off getting a part time job whilst studying in order to spend more time with him. Basically I made myself available whenever he was.

But I can get myself together financially & so its not like ill be 'waiting' as such because the only thing that I cant do now as opposed to if I was single is dating someone else. And if I was to split from him the last thing on my mind would be dating

I want to be in a position so that if he comes back & we are together then I will have myself & my career sorted & I will be more of an independant woman. And if he doesnt come back then I will still have started my career & will hopefully have the resources to move out. I think that will soften the blow to some extent.

I dont know if its relevant or not but I would like to add that when I met him I was very young & inexperienced, and he told me he was divorced. I did not find out he was married until we had been together some time. By this point I was in love with him, hes my first love & I decided to stay & wait. I just want you guys to know I am not some heartless home wrecker, I love this man & would not be with him if I thought I would always be the OW. He has always promised me that he will be with me, sometimes he looks at me & says hes imagining me pregnant with his child. I dont doubt his love, I guess I doubt whether it will materialise in a practical way

[frannie]

I dont know if its relevant or not but I would like to add that when I met him I was very young & inexperienced, and he told me he was divorced. I did not find out he was married until we had been together some time. By this point I was in love with him, hes my first love & I decided to stay & wait. I just want you guys to know I am not some heartless home wrecker, I love this man & would not be with him if I thought I would always be the OW. He has always promised me that he will be with me, sometimes he looks at me & says hes imagining me pregnant with his child. I dont doubt his love, I guess I doubt whether it will materialise in a practical way

 

Just put yourself first, CAT.

 

Actually it makes me MAD that you were 'young and inexperienced and he told you he was divorced'... don't tell me that, because I have no real sympathy for him at all.

 

I think you're worth far more than he'll ever give you, to be honest, and I don't even know you.

[CAT100]

Sorry, I didnt mean to make you mad, I just wanted people to know that I am not in the habit of having affairs with married men & I didnt get into this lightly or easily. He is quite a bit older than me & whilst I have grown up a lot obviously, I still feel out of my depth at times & i certainly was to begin with. He is a great guy in many ways, my friends have met him (they think hes divorced) & they all really liked him.

I just want so badly to have a life with him, I want the next year to go quickly & I want an answer either way this time next year so I know where I stand.

In the meantime Ill hope & believe & keep strong & busy.

Thanks to everyone who has contributed, I value all opinions even if they are harsh or I dont agree with them. If I didnt want to know, I wouldnt have posted here x