I have to see him again soon

[Zoomarch]

I have tried so hard to have NC... Now I have to see him soon because of work. Again, don't tell me how I need to quit my job - I make far too much money for that to be an option ----

 

I am so tired. He starts to work on me when he knows he's going to see me. He loves me when he sees me, but he has this ability to have a different personality when he doesn't see me. I've done real well for the last two weeks - and then now he starts calling me; saying all the right things. I know it's because he wants the sex that his W doesn't give him. Why do I still even love him? Why? Why can't my knowledge of what I know to be true be enough for me to hate him and never let him touch me again?

 

My H loves me. He is the person who is there for me no matter what. He even knows about this affair, chose to forgive me. After all these years of marriage, I am surprised he didn't leave me for such betrayal. His love should make me stop feeling what I feel for this MM, right? I am so sick of this. I hate myself for ever letting it happen. This has ruined my life.

 

I want this to go away and it never does. Why should I be the one to give up my career? Why can't he? We have to work together; yet in different states. If his wife knew, she would leave him. My H knows and he chose to forgive me - why can't that be enough to take these feelings away?

[whichwayisup]

If you really want it over and done with, tell your H what you have posted here. Let your H talk to the MM - Threaten him, to tell his wife if he doesn't leave you alone and stick to work related issues only.

 

DO all that you can to NOT talk to him on a personal level.

 

You have a husband who chose to forgive you - So keep that in mind when you're around the MM and you want to talk to him again, let him touch you.

 

THE MM is screwing with your head, and lovin' the ego trip he's on...DO you want to allow him to do that to you?

 

SO what if his wife leaves him. That is not your problem, it's HIS as he is the one who is cheating on his wife. Part of the consquences of having an affair is living with the fallout after D-Day.

[outofdarkness]

I have tried so hard to have NC... Now I have to see him soon because of work. Again, don't tell me how I need to quit my job - I make far too much money for that to be an option ----

 

I am so tired. He starts to work on me when he knows he's going to see me. He loves me when he sees me, but he has this ability to have a different personality when he doesn't see me. I've done real well for the last two weeks - and then now he starts calling me; saying all the right things. I know it's because he wants the sex that his W doesn't give him. Why do I still even love him? Why? Why can't my knowledge of what I know to be true be enough for me to hate him and never let him touch me again?

 

My H loves me. He is the person who is there for me no matter what. He even knows about this affair, chose to forgive me. After all these years of marriage, I am surprised he didn't leave me for such betrayal. His love should make me stop feeling what I feel for this MM, right? I am so sick of this. I hate myself for ever letting it happen. This has ruined my life.

 

I want this to go away and it never does. Why should I be the one to give up my career? Why can't he? We have to work together; yet in different states. If his wife knew, she would leave him. My H knows and he chose to forgive me - why can't that be enough to take these feelings away?

I seriously doubt that your MM's W is not having sex w/him...Unless you have first hand proof of this..It is VERY common for MMs to tell their OW this as well as a host of other justifications...Most all of them are mentioned here on LS..over and over again...The SAME excuses...For Goodness sake, don't fall for THAT!

 

Consider yourself lucky that your H has forgiven you and is willing to stay and work on the M...As far as giving up your job, well...ummmm what's more important to you? I think you need to ask yourself that question IMO...Why can't your MM find another job instead of YOU? Who cares? YOU are the one posting on LS trying to get advice on what you should do to remedy this mess...As far as I am concerned, you cannot stay with your current employer if your MM is there as well...JMHO...

[Zoomarch]

vbmenu_register("postmenu_1276137", true); whichwayis up: ok, you are so on the money - but here is my secret - I almost don't want his wife to find out because I am afraid she WILL leave him and then he will come running to me. And deep down, I don't want to leave my H - but the MM has such a power over me that he could potentially make my life miserable if his W left him.

 

I know that is bad. If I were the W, I would want someone to tell me. Yet, I think about the MM all the time. We have worked together for so long. I can't imagine my life w/o him but I've strived for NC the past two weeks. He has called me almost everyday and I just don't answer his calls.

 

Please, please send me positive thoughts and prayers throughout Mon and Tue which is when he is going to work on getting into my head at these meetings..... I need support more than all of you will ever know.

[child_of_isis]

Most likely if W did leave him he would go running/begging/crying to her. He would probably go into NC so quick your head will spin.

 

You and your H really needs to go to MM's W and tell her about the A.

vbmenu_register("postmenu_1276137", true); whichwayis up: ok, you are so on the money - but here is my secret - I almost don't want his wife to find out because I am afraid she WILL leave him and then he will come running to me. And deep down, I don't want to leave my H - but the MM has such a power over me that he could potentially make my life miserable if his W left him.

 

[Trimmer]

Two things:

 

I keep thinking "how can you help to make him not want to contact you any more?" In some cases, this is where either telling, or threatening to tell, his wife can be a tool. I bet he enjoys having this power over you - he may even think you "want it." Is there some way of scaring him, or convincing him that he doesn't have the power over you any more? Does he know that your husband knows about the affair, and that you are working on things? If not, might that dim his passion? Would your husand help out, maybe answer your phone when he calls at some point? Making your husband your ally in this struggle would both help to insulate you from the OM, as well as possibly push you and your husband closer together...

 

The other thing is related. If you aren't willing to leave your job, then can you treat this relationship as an unpleasant part of your job that you are willing to put up with and work around for the substantial financial benefits you get? Keeping this job is a choice you have made - more power to you. Can you compartmentalize his presence and his game playing as if it were an unfortunate but undeniable fact of business life? I'm not saying you should have to - it certainly sounds like he is a power-tripping jerk - but if you can spin it in your own mind into a purely business/financial issue, then maybe you can turn him into "just" a business/financial obstacle, and he may seem less of an emotional one then.

[GreenEyedLady]

I have tried so hard to have NC... Now I have to see him soon because of work. Again, don't tell me how I need to quit my job - I make far too much money for that to be an option ----

 

I am so tired. He starts to work on me when he knows he's going to see me. He loves me when he sees me, but he has this ability to have a different personality when he doesn't see me. I've done real well for the last two weeks - and then now he starts calling me; saying all the right things. I know it's because he wants the sex that his W doesn't give him. Why do I still even love him? Why? Why can't my knowledge of what I know to be true be enough for me to hate him and never let him touch me again?

 

My H loves me. He is the person who is there for me no matter what. He even knows about this affair, chose to forgive me. After all these years of marriage, I am surprised he didn't leave me for such betrayal. His love should make me stop feeling what I feel for this MM, right? I am so sick of this. I hate myself for ever letting it happen. This has ruined my life.

 

I want this to go away and it never does. Why should I be the one to give up my career? Why can't he? We have to work together; yet in different states. If his wife knew, she would leave him. My H knows and he chose to forgive me - why can't that be enough to take these feelings away?

 

You shouldn't have to give up your career-however, it is YOU who does not want the contact, not him...Although I'm really unclear about you working together in different states?

 

Are you and your H in MC? It sounds like you need to, if you're not...

 

It won't just go away, it happened...Now what are you going to do from here? Has your H talked to him? Maybe he should...Maybe then MM (X?) would stay away then...

[whichwayisup]

ok, you are so on the money - but here is my secret - I almost don't want his wife to find out because I am afraid she WILL leave him and then he will come running to me. And deep down, I don't want to leave my H - but the MM has such a power over me that he could potentially make my life miserable if his W left him.

 

Well then this is the big test of your character and strength. The ball is in your court. If you don't want to deal with his wife finding out, and ruining your life, THEN STAY AWAY FROM THE MM. You created this mess, k, you and the MM. Sorry to be harsh, but I gotta tell ya, you're making a fool of your H's trust and faith in you! He's forgiven you, yet you can't keep your hand out of the flame...

 

You know what's what, you're smart. So, stop and think...How do you want all this to play out? One wrong move and you could lose all that you love and are used to in your life...Just keep that in the back of your mind when you're around the MM. Is feeling good, and being selfish WORTH losing everything? Your call...

 

To help you stay strong, please consider seeking some therapy. I'm not sure if you're insecure, or just not have your head on straight...Anyway, think about the therapy, it can only help you out of this mess...Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

Also, you don't know what will happen. Honestly noone knows until they're smack in it, so assuming that she'll kick him and he'll want to come running to you is too far ahead into the future. The more realistic thing that will happen is, his wife and your husband will talk - And BOTH pairs of eyes will be on you and the MM. One of you WILL be asked to leave the job. She could give him another chance, and then the A is officially over.

 

Any way you can call in sick on those two days? Some kind of family emergency?

 

Talk to your H about this, and remember your H in all this while you're at work. (if you can't manage to take those days off.)

[Cobra_X30]

zoo, I think your in serious denial. COI, is right. If his wife left him hed go running back so fast, and not to you.

 

Affairs only thrive in secrecy, and since your dead set on keeping secrets, you have to be all the stronger.

 

Here is where you get to see what kind of person you are. Make the right choice. You can do it. Dont let yourself get used, stand up like any good person does and dont fall into the same trap.

 

I cant get over the fact that your H comes across as such a nice guy. Loving, trusting, non-materialistic... ect. Is this the part where nice guys finish last?

[PoshPrincess]

I keep thinking "how can you help to make him not want to contact you any more?"

 

I ended up driving my exMM away! Started with me getting a bit too demanding, ie asking him when he would be leaving (but only because he told me he was going to!) NC initiated a couple of months later, which never lasted long. He went on hols with family. I texted to tell him I had slept with someone else AND his daughter read the text but he still didn't stick with NC (neither did I at ANY point). a couple more months later and I visit him and pass out (through too much alcohol) and he has to take me home. Contact waning but still happening occasionally. Final straw (over one year after we finished) was when I texted him one evening playing songs down the phone that I knew would remind him of me (yes, I AM pathetic!) (Disclaimer on this one: not in a stalker-like way - I had drank too much and thought it was amusing at the time. WTF?!!!), we end up in a text slanging match the next day. A couple of weeks later (after my anger subsided at the things he said) I was SO ashamed that I texted, apologised and swore that I would never contact him again. Five weeks down the line and I have kept to that. Result being that he will never attempt to contact ME again as he probably thinks I am a nutter (oh, and in a roundabout way I threatened to tell his W, although I NEVER would) and I will never have the front to contact him again either as I am FAR too ashamed!

[Zoomarch]

Thanks COBRA and whichwayisup.... Both of you have posted on my previous issues. I saw him.... we weren't together - but he tried - and now tonight in email, he's punishing me.....

 

I love your insight and as smart as I've always considered myself, you have helped me more than you will ever know.

 

Last night was almost easy - I came home to my husband wanting nothing to do with MM - but tonight was harder - because he got into my head -

 

I prevailed but it was almost because of circumstances more than my will power. I was ashamed of that because I asked myself if circumstances would have been different, would I have failed? I hate this. I hate myself for it. But I feel like I am getting better.

[whichwayisup]

When you feel like you're going to slip, post here. Just remember, the longer you stay strong, the sooner you'll have control over your mind and your feelings - Which will give the MM NOTHING over you. Don't let him get into your head, well try being the operative word....

 

Don't ask yourself the what if's....Stick to the NOW and how you are handling things as they hit you.

 

I'm glad to help, just keep focussing on your marriage and husband.