Emotional Affairs more damage than Sexual Affairs?

[GregsBad]

In another thread there was a controversy where one or more posters said an EA can cause more damage than an SA.

 

EA=Emotional Affair SA= Sexual Affair

 

Now "affair" means "of some length" as opposed to a one night stand right?

 

Generally speaking, how could it possibly true that an EA could cause more damage than an SA? I don't believe it.

 

I say that if you take ANY EA -

whether it ranks 1 or 10 on the extreem scale

... add sex

... and it is automaticaly worse than if there was no sex.

 

I'm referring to damage to the participants AND/OR damage to betrayed spouse and family.

 

Please enlighten me

 

And I don't mean where a boy has a crush on a girl, but never got laid.

OK - THAT would be more devastating, to me, than if there was sex.

[Lizzie60]

In another thread there was a controversy where one or more posters said an EA can cause more damage than an SA.

 

EA=Emotional Affair SA= Sexual Affair

 

Now "affair" means "of some length" as opposed to a one night stand right?

 

Generally speaking, how could it possibly true that an EA could cause more damage than an SA? I don't believe it.

 

I say that if you take ANY EA -

whether it ranks 1 or 10 on the extreem scale

... add sex

... and it is automaticaly worse than if there was no sex.

 

I'm referring to damage to the participants AND/OR damage to betrayed spouse and family.

 

Please enlighten me

 

And I don't mean where a boy has a crush on a girl, but never got laid.

OK - THAT would be more devastating, to me, than if there was sex.

 

I don't think that you can have an EA without the SA... Let's say a MM is having an affair (and as you say, on a long term basis) I don't think it can go on and on without the physical aspect. I don't buy that.

 

But, on the other hand, you can have a SA without the EA... I see that on a regular basis with my lover... with most of them, we have a SA... no love involved.

 

A MM that see an escort (always the same, on a regular basis) is having a SA, not an EA.

[scaredinlove]

A guess the EA you are emotionally involved what is worse than just physically involved, you can get get physically involved with anyone that look half decent but there are very few people you really love in your life time. You can count those people with your fingers. Maybe that is why some people may think that EQA are more devastating.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Well, which would you rather be on the receiving end of, if it is a case of purely EA v/s purely PA:

 

"I'm in love with this person, I have confided in him/her, I have talked sh*t about you with this person, I have told this person that they are the one I truly want to live my life with. I would do anything to be with this person fully and in all senses of the word, but I am holding back from sex only out of guilt and obligation rather than any true respect or caring for you. My heart breaks every second I can't be with him/her and I find myself resenting you because I'm stuck in a relationship with you when I would rather be with him/her."

 

Or...

 

(for ONS) "I got drunk, she/he came on to me and we had sex. We cleaned up, put on our clothes and went our separate ways. I do not care for this person at all - it was as meaningful as scratching an itch or blowing my nose."

 

(for ongoing PA) "We hook up with this other person from time to time. We have a good time, but it is only a FWB thing. I love my SO in my own way, and don't want to leave my SO, but my OW/OM does all the kinky stuff that my SO won't let me do, and besides its fun with no emotional obligation at all. Who else will suck me off or go down on me on command, and worship me down there like a god, or let me bang her in the ass like a wildman? All it truly is, is sex. There is no way I would even consider spending my life with someone who I just f*ck on the side from time to time."

 

Me? I'd rather suffer the pure PA than the EA. It would hurt me infinitely worse to hear that my boyfriend was in love with someone else, than it would to hear that he had meaningless sex with someone else.

[Tomcat33]

Gees LB, normally I find your posts totally insightful and well thought out, this time though I dunnow about your "examples"....for the purpose of your own point that might be one thing but for the purpose of the original post given I think one can't paint an EA and a PA in such extreme terms of black and white there are all sorts of shades of grey in between that make and shape what and EA and PA actually are for each case.

 

As per the original question they are both bad from a BPs point of view, they are two situations where the partner who is cheating is sneaking around to do either the emotional thing or the whole thing.

Personally I think in both cases the opertaive word is "sneaking" around. Any life that is lead behind a partner's back be it emotional or emotional with physical is just as damaging in my view.

 

On a sidenote speaking purely from the perspective of the individuals involved in each A, I find that the EA is far more charged and to walk away from that could prove to be irresistible. The two people enganged in the EA are living purely off of fantasy, which can be extremely powerful and detremental to to the breakdown of a marriage if the EA is abandonded with no further physical exploration to work on the marriage. Now I'm not saying go for the whole thing in order to get it out of your system but the brain is very powerful, sometimes not exploring those needs after a long EA can be paralizing. Which brings me to the last point, once the EA is well established getting physical is just a formality.

 

So as far as I am concerned it's not a matter of which is worse...it's more if you cross the line to engage in an EA you might as well be having a full on A, it's the precursor to it anyway and no matter how you slice it there is no turning back from an EA whether you get physical or not the deed is done.

 

Woops!! I may have to retract what I said, I read the SA as just a regular affair but if it is specifically sex no emotion GB. then LB was totally right in her exampple. So GB did you mean sex only no emotion or just a full on A the as in the whole thing...?

 

I say that if you take ANY EA -

whether it ranks 1 or 10 on the extreem scale

... add sex

... and it is automaticaly worse than if there was no sex.

 

Ok no I think it was how I first intepreted it, the A is a full emotional and sexual one...

 

sorry I am typing my thoughts out... LOL I'm second guessing what the orignal post meant

[Meaplus3]

Gees LB, normally I find your posts totally insightful and well thought out, this time though I dunnow about your "examples"....for the purpose of your own point that might be one thing but for the purpose of the original post given I think one can't paint an EA and a PA in such extreme terms of black and white there are all sorts of shades of grey in between that make and shape what and EA and PA actually are for each case.

 

As per the original question they are both bad from a BPs point of view, they are two situations where the partner who is cheating is sneaking around to do either the emotional thing or the whole thing.

Personally I think in both cases the opertaive word is "sneaking" around. Any life that is lead behind a partner's back be it emotional or emotional with physical is just as damaging in my view.

 

On a sidenote speaking purely from the perspective of the individuals involved in each A, I find that the EA is far more charged and to walk away from that could prove to be irresistible. The two people enganged in the EA are living purely off of fantasy, which can be extremely powerful and detremental to to the breakdown of a marriage if the EA is abandonded with no further physical exploration to work on the marriage. Now I'm not saying go for the whole thing in order to get it out of your system but the brain is very powerful, sometimes not exploring those needs after a long EA can be paralizing. Which brings me to the last point, once the EA is well established getting physical is just a formality.

 

So as far as I am concerned it's not a matter of which is worse...it's more if you cross the line to engage in an EA you might as well be having a full on A, it's the precursor to it anyway and no matter how you slice it there is no turning back from an EA whether you get physical or not the deed is done.

 

Woops!! I may have to retract what I said, I read the SA as just a regular affair but if it is specifically sex no emotion GB. then LB was totally right in her exampple. So GB did you mean sex only no emotion or just a full on A the as in the whole thing...?

 

"So as far as I am concerned it's not a matter of which is worse...it's more if you cross the line to engage in an EA you might as well be having a full on A, it's the precursor to it anyway and no matter how you slice it there is no turning back from an EA whether you get physical or not the deed is done."

 

Tomcat, You took the word's right out of my mouth! Greg, Hope it's ok that I tread on your thread, LOL:lmao:.

 

AP:)

[Tomcat33]

Tomcat, You took the word's right out of my mouth! Greg, Hope it's ok that I tread on your thread, LOL:lmao:.

 

AP:)

 

You took the word's right out of my mouth

Well good thing it was the somewhat "coherent" part of my post AP, and not all the babble at the end... ;)for a second there I thougt I had totally misread the original post.

[Meaplus3]

You took the word's right out of my mouth

Well good thing it was the somewhat "coherent" part of my post AP, and not all the babble at the end... ;)for a second there I thougt I had totally misread the original post.

 

Your too Funny!

 

AP:)

[sadbuttrue]

what about the affairs that are both emotional and sexual?

[Meaplus3]

what about the affairs that are both emotional and sexual?

 

Hi Sadbuttrue, From what I have read and been told, these are the most difficult affair's to recover from. So many here on LS had told me while in my ea to be thankful that my ea did not go there, well I believe them and I am thankful. Just my thought's.

 

AP:)

[sadbuttrue]

yes, i am sure it would be better not to have the SA along with the EA. i really dont see how you avoid it though. i am in an affair that is both. it is very hard to deal with.

[Meaplus3]

yes, i am sure it would be better not to have the SA along with the EA. i really dont see how you avoid it though. i am in an affair that is both. it is very hard to deal with.

 

Sadbuttrue, That must be tough. It was avioded in my case because MM is "Ball-ess" so to speak.

 

AP:)

[sadbuttrue]

well, you should be glad to have avoided that whole mess.

[Meaplus3]

well, you should be glad to have avoided that whole mess.

 

Yes I am, however having an "Affair of the Heart", is IMO just about the worst kind of pain to deal with. Especially when you were not looking for it and kind of fell into it. PAINFUL!!!! And when you are married and supose to love your husband fully, even worse.

 

AP:)

 

BTW_Don't mean to steal Greg's thread.

[GregsBad]

Well, which would you rather be on the receiving end of, if it is a case of purely EA v/s purely PA:

 

"I'm in love with this person, I have confided in him/her, I have talked sh*t about you with this person, I have told this person that they are the one I truly want to live my life with. I would do anything to be with this person fully and in all senses of the word, but I am holding back from sex only out of guilt and obligation rather than any true respect or caring for you. My heart breaks every second I can't be with him/her and I find myself resenting you because I'm stuck in a relationship with you when I would rather be with him/her."

 

 

Wow! That EA earns a 10 on the extreem scale ... and it pretty much nails down how an extreem EA could be an earthquake for everyone. I get it! Thanks LB.

 

But now, if this very same scenario suddenly were consumated by lovemaking, which continued over some time, wouldn't you agree that it would then rise to an even MORE damaging thing?

 

Like, add to your scenario above, "until one day we could no longer resist, made love again and again and several times a week since then."

 

What I'm saying is, Yes! I undertand that an EA can be damaging and hurtful, but doesn't the act of sex take whatever level the EA was at, to a next level?

[Trialbyfire]

Any kind of affair is damaging to marital relationships. Talk about a completely dysfunctional situation...

[GregsBad]

Yes I am, however having an "Affair of the Heart", is IMO just about the worst kind of pain to deal with. Especially when you were not looking for it and kind of fell into it. PAINFUL!!!! And when you are married and supose to love your husband fully, even worse.

 

AP:)

 

BTW_Don't mean to steal Greg's thread.

 

I appreciate you're input AP. Please tread in my thread

 

OK. But then if you and MM had progressed to regularly making love together, in addition to the EA, isn't it true that the affair would have been more damaging to your marriage ... and even had more of a profound impact on you? Just you?

 

I'm still of the opinion that as much of shakeup as this was for you and your husband, wouldn't it have been worse if there was finally a prolonged period of sexual rendesvous? Hotels, in each others homes while spouses are gone. Back seat on a dark end of the street.

 

Then if MM jilted you, ignored and disavowed you, after the emotional connection AND all the love making, wouldn't that additional sexual connection SEVERELY, (not just a little more, but SEVERLY) add to the wrongness and sence of being taken advantage of?

[GregsBad]

what about the affairs that are both emotional and sexual?

 

Right! ... those are the ones I'm talking about.

[GregsBad]

I don't think that you can have an EA without the SA... Let's say a MM is having an affair (and as you say, on a long term basis) I don't think it can go on and on without the physical aspect. I don't buy that.

 

I don't buy that either Lizzie, especially if you're a sexual/sensual girl.

 

No way I'm spending hours sipping Earl Grey while chating and growing emotions for some sweetie without wanting to jump her bones. In fact, if she's sensual, I'm thinking she's gonna be a little pissed if I didn't.

[Trimmer]

I usually avoid being dismissive in the following fashion, but I have to ask: what does it matter? Whether it's an EA "only" or a PA "only" or a combination EA/PA, it's the worst emotional pain you've ever felt. I know we all like having the best story, but is there really any utility to being able to turn to someone else and say, "yeah, but mine is worse than yours..."? Is there some use to objectively quantifying the "badness" of each different label, as if just in case you find yourself in that situation, you would steer yourself to the less-painful one? Is it helpful to anyone in this situation to be told, well, that's not as bad as this would have been!?!?!

 

Don't get me wrong - you've got every right to ask the question and discuss it; I'm just wondering where it gets you in the end...

[GregsBad]

Don't get me wrong - you've got every right to ask the question and discuss it; I'm just wondering where it gets you in the end...

 

I've known friends who have experienced an EA that caused further marital problems. In a couple of these cases, the betrayed spouse said it would have been easier to cope with if the offending spouse had gone all the way.

 

That never made sense to me and I'm honestly trying understand if a person would really MEAN that or if there was some other reason for the statement.

 

I've already revealed that I don't really buy it - not in a literal sence - but I suspect there we're other things that would cause a betrayed spouse to wish that the so-called cheater had really made love to the OW/OM.

 

As I said, it seems to me that ANY EA, no matter how intense can be mitigated to a degree if ended BEFORE a sexual affair begins. On the other hand, will become more grave if the sexual boundariers are actually crossed.

 

If right now, your thinking, "well duh! ... of course this is true" ... you missing the point that MANY orthers on various threads have disagreed.

 

I'd like to understand.

 

As a man, if my wife did as LB suggested (an extreem EA), it would in fact crush me.

But then ADD to that pain, the mental image of another man between her legs ... it's so much worse!

 

Just my view - but I'm interested in others.

[Trimmer]

I've known friends who have experienced an EA that caused further marital problems. In a couple of these cases, the betrayed spouse said it would have been easier to cope with if the offending spouse had gone all the way.

 

That never made sense to me and I'm honestly trying understand if a person would really MEAN that or if there was some other reason for the statement.

OK, I see where you are coming from now. I'm with you; I can't see the sense of that statement, strictly as given, either.

 

However, I do have experience in this area - unfortunately - and I do have a couple of thoughts...

 

Is there any possibility that what they were saying was something along the lines of: "if it had just been about the sex, I could at least understand it a little easier." The BS is always looking to understand what happens, and I think sometimes we can "understand" the raw, human, sexual impulse, where we can't so much understand how someone would choose to break their emotional connection with us and "give" it to someone else.

 

So, I realize this doesn't exactly apply to the situation as you've stated it - take an existing EA and make it better by adding sex to it??? - but I do remember, from personal experience, that the sexual betrayal was at least "understandable" from a human weakness standpoint - just from a basic instinctual point of view, who doesn't like sex? - but the breaking of the emotional bond that we chose to build over the years, that betrayal still mystifies and pains me to this day.

[me_me]

what about the affairs that are both emotional and sexual?

THE emotional affair is more powerful than SA but its also combined ..EM on my case is worst and painful than ever and very hard to get out....the more you are in EM relationship the more it will damage your well being...you will lose your self esteem ,self confidence,you will not be yourself......its does affect people around you....or worse if you are in a marriage as well....with SA its created all the fantasy we lacked,i suppose,...its kind of more fun just to have sex with the different person other than your partner..or spouse...

 

but most of all both kind of relationship is very ,no,EXTREME powerful if you not relise and get out before its too late its will cause you even more than you imagine..

[Herzen]

Having done both--with the same MW at various times in our relationship--high intensity EA's can be more harmful than pure PA's--ones without emotional intensity and commitment.

 

An EA makes one a stranger among family members. Whether it's guilt, obsession, or both, an EA distances the cheater from those who--at one time--were at the center of his or her affective life. To a large extent, there's a double estrangement: the cheater is emotionally disengaged from family and the family becomes, over time, disengaged from the cheater.

 

A pure EA is the crack cocaine of relationships. At the end, all you want or care about is to get another attention "fix" from this person who 's not your spouse. Often, the EA persists long after the PA ends.

 

In fact, just this morning I awoke after having dreamed of my MW. And our PA has been over for years.

 

As I survey the wreckage, I can safely say that an escort would have been better.

[Meaplus3]

I appreciate you're input AP. Please tread in my thread

 

OK. But then if you and MM had progressed to regularly making love together, in addition to the EA, isn't it true that the affair would have been more damaging to your marriage ... and even had more of a profound impact on you? Just you?

 

I'm still of the opinion that as much of shakeup as this was for you and your husband, wouldn't it have been worse if there was finally a prolonged period of sexual rendesvous? Hotels, in each others homes while spouses are gone. Back seat on a dark end of the street.

 

Then if MM jilted you, ignored and disavowed you, after the emotional connection AND all the love making, wouldn't that additional sexual connection SEVERELY, (not just a little more, but SEVERLY) add to the wrongness and sence of being taken advantage of?

 

OK. But then if you and MM had progressed to regularly making love together, in addition to the EA, isn't it true that the affair would have been more damaging to your marriage ... and even had more of a profound impact on you? Just you?

Greg, Oh YES it would have been more damaging because of the fact that the emotional bond was there. Combine that with SEX, and WOZER'S, I can hardly imagine the impact it would have had on my marriage, MM's marriage and him and I as individual's. Since he's a guy I'm sure the feeling's would have been less severe than for myself.

 

AP