MM also boss at work

[leela_s]

Dear all,

 

I am posting first time on this forum. I have been reading all the posts regularly and would really like to share my story so as to hopefully get good advice from you all.

 

When I was 24, I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years and very upset about why the relationship didnt work as I had put in a lot of commitment and sacrifice. I was heartborken for few months and thats when I decided to move to another city and take up a new job and start afresh.

 

At my new workplace I got attracted to my new boss (he is 39 years, married, with 2 kids). He used to harmlessly flirt (though very obviously) with me after I joined, and I started liking it as I was lonely for quite a period of time. Eventually one thing led to another and now I have having affair with this MM for the past 1 and half years. I knew from the start that he is married and he always told me he wanted only a 'no strings attached' relationship with me but I didnt mind it as I admit my heart was vulnerable and I was looking only for company, closeness and sex.

 

Its not like he is doing all kinds of favours to me at work, everything is very professional at workplace but the affair is also very strong (i.e. when we meet outside of work, at my home, on official trips etc). He treats me very nicely (calls me his doll ,love that ) and says he wants me to always stay with him (including working for him).

 

He has been caring and concerned about my career prospects also. I admit that I feel very secure and safe with him (professionally and personally), and it suits me just fine that I do good work, get all his praises professionally and on the other hand I can enjoy the close moments which we share ( once in 2 month or so). I have no plans for now to get married or search for another guy as I am comfortable with the whole situation with him. Also he doesnt mind at all if I flirt with other guys and If i have a boyfreind. he says to me that this relationship is only if 'I' wish to have it...

 

Now comes the problematic part- He is very moody sometimes at work and doesnt acknowledge my presence (e.g at coffee breaks, after work parties etc). sometimes he doesnt even see me once the whole day, and other times he will check on me after every half an hour. this behaviour of his bothers me a lot mentally and I cannot concentrate on work, I just feel like leaving for the day.

 

Though we both have accepted that in our relatioship there wont be any 'nagging, expectations, explainations, anger issues etc' but still most time his moodyness I taking very personally and i start getting thoughts like 'he is avoiding me, he doesnt like me anymore, he is ignoring' etc. this behaviour of his is shortlived and he is back to his usual self in few days but it really drives me mad, as i cant eat and sleep properly during that time. Once i asked him why he does like that, he says 'he has so much work sometimes, he is busy with 10 different things at one time' etc etc. instead he asks me to always 'concentrate on my work and do well instead of thinking y he didnt see me or sms me for 1 day'.

 

Also, once in 2 months or so we really get close to each other, we sms like every hour (he never calls), and keep in touch a lot, then we meet up and have sex and a good time. BUT after that there is a little silence on his part for a period of 2-3 weeks when no sms, no chatting, no special stuff at work breaks. and this cycle has repeated for 5 times in these 1 and half years.

 

All this is affecting me as NOW I dont like it when he keeps distance with me after sex for a few weeks, after that he again starts to talk endlessly with me... The workplace is good, I am drawing good salary and I a quite satisfied with work and professionally he is helping me a lot with good projects etc. ALso, i like him a lot and am happy in this affair (the good moments of course) and would not want to leave from here...

but then there r those days when he doesnt talk much, is aloof, doesnt reply to my sms, n bcoz of which i cant fully concentrate on work.... If you ask me I would like to continue with this 'no strings' relationship with him, but certain things affect me a lot.. also, I m quite sure that I am NOT falling in love with him.

 

please friends give me advice on how to tacke him as a man so that we can continue to have this good relationship, good sex, and I can enjoy no commitment relationship, his concern for my work and career etc bcoz his moodyness and aloofness in persiodic cycles affect me mentally and affect my appetite and sleep? please reply...

 

Love,

Leela

[Izzar]

Leela,

He's committed. He's married.

You can have a non-committed relationship with someone who is not married. I'm sure you know that though.

You can have a non-committed relationship with someone who will respect you also. MM is not respecting you one bit.

I'm shaking my head in disbelief as to why you are ok with your situation?

[Guest]

"Also he doesnt mind at all if I flirt with other guys and If i have a boyfreind. he says to me that this relationship is only if 'I' wish to have it..."

 

 

Here is your answer. He is having the relationship as he would like to have it, you can take it or leave it but it will never be anything more. Every two months or so for 18 months. 9 times in a year and a half. I wonder if there are more than one of you?

[outofdarkness]

Leela,

He's committed. He's married.

You can have a non-committed relationship with someone who is not married. I'm sure you know that though.

You can have a non-committed relationship with someone who will respect you also. MM is not respecting you one bit.

I'm shaking my head in disbelief as to why you are ok with your situation?

ditto! AND he IS your boss...NEVER a good thing..eventually it turns sour and you will most likely be the one to suffer both professionally and personally. I don't know how you do it...I mean you have a really intense R with your MM and you have to be his subordinate at work and pretend like your are just another employee??? Also, if he IS helping you advance professionally, and that's the impression I got from your post, don't you think other employees will find out sooner of later...If they don't already know??? Gossip is rampant around office settings, and as they always say about the wife; "The Wife is always the last to know"...I guess this must hold true in this type of situation as well...

 

You sound so young. Why do you want to devote your life to someone who is unwilling to commit in any way to you? You have feelings and want to share your life with someone completely in every way don't you?

 

I hope you will write some things down..sort of a pros and cons list...I find this helps me alot. Also, have you thought about the affect this is having on his family?? It doesn't sound like he has, and you sound like a decent and kind person...Why put yourself in a situation like that? My thoughts go out to you..You have put yourself in a tough situation...You have the power to move on...He probably doesn't. He sounds like a real weenie!

[Guest]

Leela,

This relationship isn't going anywhere-he has said that and his actions are showing you too.

 

I have been with someone like him and this is what happens.

He is true to his word-he wants a no strings attached bit of sexual adventure that will not interfere with his marriage.

He is using you for sex--sorry but so was I and that is how it is.

My mm saw me about once a fortnight (more if he could get away with it--wife out of town etc). He would call me one evening and tell me to take the next day off work sick so we could meet up. It was all about him and his needs. In fact it was when he said to me that he could screw my brains out that alarm bells started ringing. These are not the words of a man who loves you--is is the words of someone who lusts after you and pobably has a boring or non existant sex life at home.

 

He has sex and then ignores you because he has nothing to really say to you (apart from work). He will call you when he wants sex but he doesn't want the complication of an emotional, feeling, considerate relationship.

I don't believe you are happy with this. I wasn't but I foolishly thought he would change. He didn't. The longer this goes on the more miserable you will become, because you will get more involved and he will give you the same or less if he can get away with it.

My xmm used to say that he didn't want me to move out of state or change jobs--at first I was flattered, but then I realised just how selfish he was.

 

He is shallow and any emotion that he has got is spent on his family. Beware-- because he does not want an emotional attachment he can throw you under the bus if you become needy, start questioning his behaviour or start displaying emotions in front of him. Part of him will like the fact that you are hooked and part will make him back off. He looks upon you as an expendable play thing. Anyone who wants a halfway, loving relationship would be in contact with you more. You know this deep down.

I wasted years on this guy--you have wasted too much time already. It is already interfering with your health.

 

Just tell him you cannot cope and it is over. At least he will have more respect for you, than if you let him continue. I am not saying that he will profess true love for you, but at least he will see that you arenot going to be treated like some second rate hooker and you will take control of your life.

[LucreziaBorgia]

we both have accepted that in our relatioship there wont be any 'nagging, expectations, explainations, anger issues etc'

 

Also, once in 2 months or so we really get close to each other, we sms like every hour (he never calls), and keep in touch a lot, then we meet up and have sex and a good time. BUT after that there is a little silence on his part for a period of 2-3 weeks when no sms, no chatting, no special stuff at work breaks. and this cycle has repeated for 5 times in these 1 and half years.

 

In other words, no strings attached and only good until it starts getting inconvenient for MM. When a man says "no strings attached" he means "casual sex with no emotional involvement". Well, you agreed to this so you need to stick to it if you expect MM to stick around. That means you need to keep your pain/emotions/needs/etc. to yourself. MM didn't sign up for drama and emotional involvement. MM signed up for a friendly association with a convenient woman he gets to have sex with behind his wife's back and then not have to deal with for a while until he wants sex again.

 

I m quite sure that I am NOT falling in love with him.

 

You sure about that? You sound pretty deep in to me.

[Jinxx]

All is well for the time being with respect to your job but you are treading very dangerous territory by continuing the affair with your boss. It also appears you seem to be getting emotionally attached but just don't realize it yet. If I were you, I'd try to break away from this one.

[leela_s]

Dear all,

 

Thanks for your heartfelt replies. I really feel now that I am getting deep into this R with MM without realising that he couldnt be bothered about me. It feels hurt that I always obliged when he wanted to spend time with me (and hav sex) but he never cares if I feel upset about his not being in touch with me...

 

what do you suggest I do If I have decided to end this R with him. though I dont want to loose my this job for about a year atleast as I have some good things coming up. How should I go about behaving in front of him and continuing work without him getting a hint that I hae finally realised my foolishness. Right now he is into his silence phase, not talking, distant like always (as we had sex last monday)... kindly advice me..

 

 

dear guest, as you have been in a similar situation, what did u do to end it?

 

Thanks all,

Love

Leela

[frannie]

Though we both have accepted that in our relatioship there wont be any 'nagging, expectations, explainations, anger issues etc' but still most time his moodyness I taking very personally and i start getting thoughts like 'he is avoiding me, he doesnt like me anymore, he is ignoring' etc. this behaviour of his is shortlived and he is back to his usual self in few days but it really drives me mad, as i cant eat and sleep properly during that time.

 

Leela, this is affecting you negatively far too much for it to be a good situation for you to be in. You will begin to get ill, if you haven't already. You need to accept the situation for what it is, with his basically using you, and you being in agreement with the 'no nagging or expectations' ... or not. There isn't really a middle ground as he's made his position clear on this. Negotiating it (which is what should happen in a relationship, and is what is needed here for your peace of mind I think) is only going to lead to disappointment, I fear.

 

You say this arrangement (no commitment, no emotions) is what you want, but emotions are getting in the way, aren't they..? I feel you're terribly insecure about it... and if you're not, then you probably should be, because it's a very very precarious situation you're in. 'Love' may have been avoided... but something close enough and damaging enough to unrequited love... dependency on his moods... it's dangerous for you, honestly.

 

You're asking for help to continue this without it affecting you emotionally, but I would say: that is impossible. It's your gut, your natural needs as a human being, which are making themselves felt. My feeling is that you're wrestling against this for some reason, and trying to keep a cap on it... but I don't think it's possible to have what you want, not with you being you ~ a normal human being with emotional needs which are just not being met here.

[Sevenmack]

leela_s writes: "what do you suggest I do If I have decided to end this R with him. though I dont want to loose my this job for about a year atleast as I have some good things coming up."

 

Sorry, but you'll probably have to ditch the job and find another. He's your boss -- the bus in this relationship while you are the Yugo -- and he has power over this relationship in so many ways that I can't count. He's not going to let you end it and then let you keep the job; you may rat him out -- since you are single and unattached -- or accuse him of sexual harrassment. Buses always beat Yugos in a situation such as this.

 

Let this be a lesson to you: No more schlupping with married men. No more letting workmates bust nuts in or on you. Keep work and sex life as separate as humanly possible. Repeat.

 

Have a nice day.

[torranceshipman]

Sweetie,

 

Just be careful, OK...I was in the same situation and me and the xMM/boss couldn't have seemed closer - but it turned into a trainwreck between us - we split, and work got very bad. I'd suggest you do make provision to leave, or at least prepare yourself to have to do it...not saying you'll be ousted from work, but in case it does get awkward it is true that your MM is the boss, so the one with all the power...its also a lot for you to deal with and very stressful for you, which is difficult to maintain long term.

 

I'm still working for the xMM...I handed in my notice twice as I thought it was the best thing...the 1st time, he persuaded me to stay, but despite (what seemed to be) his best efforts to be cool with the situation, he was still all over the place emotionally and took out his issues on me at work (at least that was my feeling). It made my life miserable so in the end I told him I was leaving for good - and this time he really offered me a great reason career wise to stay - plus for the 1st time ever, since we split, he faced up to some of the personal stuff and is being WAY more respectful now - and appreciates the kind of stress I've been under over the last few months (you'll know what thats like!).

 

Ultimately, it had to come to 2 resignations - which is ridiculous - for even that level of respect to come back - and ultimately I think it was only the fact that we'd been close friends for years that saved the situation eventually.

 

Anyway the whole point of that story was that you are in a really stressful situation and don't underestimate how hard it is, and please DO make provisions to leave and work elsewhere in case the need arises and things get too difficult.

 

Good luck (-: