Ex-wife is creating Drama...

[lawyer83]

Please don't be too judgmental to my situation. Actually, you don't have to respond at all. I'm just ranting because I have a lot of stuff on my mind, and this is how I'd like to get it off of my chest...

 

I am engaged to a man that I love very dearly. Dan(fictitious name), and I met and fell in love while he was going through a difficult divorce.

Backstory: When I met him his marriage had been over for 2 years, his W had asked him for a divorce 2 years earlier but he had been dragging his feet about it. I'd like to mention the fact that in the 2 years before he met me, while he was dragging his feet on the divorce, he had taken to seeing a lot of different women. He didn't cheat on his ex before she asked for the divorce, but after she asked for the divorce he considered their relationship to be over.

Last Fall: We met, and fell in love and he finally filed for divorce from her within a month of meeting me. A few weeks after he filed for divorce from her, he asked me to marry him.

 

She calls his office, and emails him almost on a weekly basis now; before she might have contacted him once, or twice a month.

I guess my problem is that he seems like he is more sensitive to her feelings now than he was when I met him, and it really bothers me. He also has a tendency to makes excuses for her behavior.

 

This woman attempted to blackmail him. She threatened to email his family, friends, and colleauges and tell all of them about the women he'd had before agreeing to the divorce if he didn't meet her financial demands. She wasn't threatening to tell them about me because he'd never attempted to hide our relationship from his family or friends. She wanted him to agree to pay her alimony , and child support on the order of $2,000 a month for 5 years. She wanted child support for 5 years, even though they never had any childrens together; she has a daughter from a previous relationship (her kid has a dead beat dad). She wanted alimony for 5 years, but they'd only been married for 5 years total when he filed; besides that she has a job, and they hadn't been cohabitating for 3 years.

Thankfully he didn't give into her demands, if he had I'd have lost all respect for him. However, he did end up giving her a more than generous divorce settlement. She got 1/2 of the part of his retirement fund acquired acduring their marriage, which was rather substantial, and $600 a month for one year.

She'd also attempted to use her daughter as a pawn to get money out of him last spring. She threatened to put her daughter in public school if he didn't give her more money. Told him that if he hadn't been such a terrible husband, and father then her daughter wouldn't have to suffer like this. Terrible father my a**, he's done more for her daughter than the child's real father ever has and it's not even his kid. He didn't give into her demands on this issue either, and her daughter is still in the expensive boarding school that he's paying for.

When the divorce was finalized, I thought good riddance. I thought we were finally rid of this woman, but now he wants to be keep in touch with her, at least via email. He says that he needs to make sure that her daughter is always okay, and well taken care of; and he also wants her to inform him if her daughter needs something, or if something happens to the child. He's known her daughter since she was a little girl, and he loves her like she was his own.

He's been very forgiving of all the things his ex has tried to do. He doesn't judge her, or blame her for trying to bust his balls, or for trying to use his love for her daughter against him. Instead he keeps trying to convince me why I should see past the things she's done. He's even started to make excuses for her behavior. She tried to blackmail him, but he says "she was just lashing out because she was hurt, and besides we can't blame her for trying to assure that her own finances were taken care of". My question is why was she so hurt when she was finally getting exactly what she'd asked him for all along?

The ex had been on her best behaviour for a few months up until she found out about our engagement. I get the impression that she's finally realized that this isn't really what she wanted after all. He keeps claiming that his ex doesn't care about him, or our relationship, and that she was just interested in the money. Well, I think she still does care about him. When he told her about his plans to marry me, she emailed as many of his relatives as she could to let them know that "Dan" was bringing his pregnant fiancee home for the holidays. Well, I am his fiancee, but I'm not pregnant; but that's a moot point because even if I were pregnant it wouldn't be up to her to notify his family about it. Why would she do soemthing like that if she didn't care? He was pretty pissed off at her for doing it,and I thought okay he's finally seeing her for the person she really is. But, then she apologized, and made up some story about one of his ex's calling her house and telling her daughter(her daughter from a previous relationship; not related to him at all)about our engagement and about us having a baby on the way. I personally think that the story was completely made up, and she just used this story about her daughter to get him to feel sympathetic towards her after she'd lashed out once again. I just don't get why he would want to keep this woman in his life. She's bound to have another outburst once it gets closer to our wedding day.

And, another thing: I honestly think that, the only reason she apologized was because he assured her that I was on my period. Yes, he actually emailed her a note saying something like:" WTF are you talking about? I know she's not pregnant because she's on her period right now."

Why couldn't he have just said: "She's not pregnant, but even if she were what you did was out of line?" What she did was stupid and childish, and that's just the type of behaviour I've come to expect from her. But, now I'm really pissed at him. I'm pissed that he would tell her when I'm on my period, and I'm pissed that he still feels the need to mollify his ex, even when he knows that she has done something wrong. And,I'm really tired of hearing him make all of these excuses for her behavior. She was wrong, no-one held a gun to her head and told her to act like an a**.

 

Okay, she is currently seeing a therapist, and she's probably on antidepressants, because even she knows that she's off her rocker, but does that mean that her ex(the man I'm supposed to be marrying) should be extra forgiving whenever she acts out like this? If he feels so guilty for giving her exactly what she asked for, then maybe they need to get back together and leave me out of it. I've told him time, and time again that I'd pack up and leave if he wanted to get back with her, and I wouldn't make him feel bad about it either. I want him to be happy, but I want to be happy too. Dan keeps assuring me that he doesn't want to be with her, and he's even willing to admit that he made a big mistake when he married her. A mistake which he feels like he's going to have to spend the rest of his life paying for. He doesn't want to be with her, but he also still cares about her, and doesn't want anything bad to happen to her, or her daughter. He actually once told me that he still loves her like a sister. Yes, he is actually that clueless.

I'm at my wits end because I really do not know what to do, and I'm definitely not into all of this drama. I just want to be happy with the man I love. Why is it that marrying a man with a past means marrying his past as well? I don't know if I can marry him if this keeps up. I love him, but I don't want to get married just to get divorced. He's been married twice before, and I don't want to end up being the third woman to ask him for a divorce. I want to be the last woman he marries.

He would like to get married before June 2007, however, I'm thinking that's way too soon. He hasn't fully worked through the emotional baggage he's collected during his last marriage, and it's going to take a lot longer than 6 months to work through all of this mess.

[Romeo Must Die]

Even though the ink is dry on the divorce papers, WS still have a hell of a time finalizing the emotional divorce. Also, your dMM will always have that connection with her because of the kid. There will always be something familiar between them aside from friendship and how they are getting along.

 

My advice is simple. Listen to your instincts and give your relationship time to bloom before you rush into marriage.

 

[lawyer83]

Thank you for providing me with so much clarity

Romeo.

You gave a very accurate characterization of the situation, and you were right about everything. I do need to trust my instincts throughout all of this.

 

"Dan" is really pushing for a May wedding, and I feel like he is going to be hurt if I postpone the wedding by prolonging the engagement. I don't want to hurt him, but I do realize that this is something that I'm going to have to do in order to make this relationship work. I can't marry him unless/until it's right because otherwise the marriage won't work.

[pureinheart]

I would really give this some serious thought....crazy people just don't all of a sudden get their act together and go away....your situation ex-W will be in your lives for a longggggg time to come.

 

In one of my cases...lol... I divorced ex-H and he got together with this individual and she hated me because ex-H was married to me at one time....I had to call the cops more than once, and I did nothing to her at all....

 

I thought about ex-MM's situation at one time, his "family", and I use that term loosely, are all nuts. I would never have had a moments peace and they all would have seen to that....not worth it, life is way too short...

[frannie]

"Dan" is really pushing for a May wedding, and I feel like he is going to be hurt if I postpone the wedding by prolonging the engagement. I don't want to hurt him, but I do realize that this is something that I'm going to have to do in order to make this relationship work. I can't marry him unless/until it's right because otherwise the marriage won't work.

 

oops I didn't realise there were two threads of this and I've replied on the other thread.

 

I agree with what you've written here. Don't get married because he's pressuring you. I didn't say anything on the other thread because there was so much else to comment on, but the fact that he leapt into a proposal of marriage so soon after knowing you worried me slightly. And now he is pressing for committment very soon, and before you're ready, and you still have questions.

 

You can't do that. You need to tell him that you need more time, whether he'll be disappointed or not. Why does he feel the need to rush? Did he rush into his second marriage too..?