Can'tGiveUp Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 So I was back to work today...and missing him and the normal weekday contact we had. It took a lot but I resisted breaking NC. I keep wishing I had some anger towards him that I could focus on...but I don't. I keep thinking about his logic and I don't believe in what he is doing but I understand. Then it dawned on me. The extra little bit he said about his M when we were saying goodbye. He is not the same man I was with the first time. That man was finding himself and caring for himself in a way that this one is not. There is my strong point to focus on. I have lost respect for him and feel sadness for him. He is not in a partnership, an equal relationship with W. He has caved and given up certain parts of himself. Parts that I love about him, but they are dormant now. He has given up on those parts of himself, of being able to express them. That was basically what he said. In order to provide his kids with a "stable 2 parent" home, he has become a shell of himself. He is going with the flow...following the dictates of W because he has lost the will to continue to present his point of view, his wants, his desires. How can I have the same respect for a man who isn't willing to fight to make his life better and fulfilling? And I don't mean by being with me. The first time we split he was going back to make his M work. I respected that decision, the plans for MC. This time, he is just not seeing me hoping that his behavior will return to "normal" and she'll quit flipping out. There is my strength to maintain my distance. Don't know if it is as effective as anger... Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 Its good to think some of these things through and try to look at it at a different angle. If this is what it takes to get you through Day 6, then so be it. It worked. Good for you. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 Stay strong CGU! You're doing great! Sorry this is so hard... Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 I think that when respect is lost for the MM, the love will fade also. For I believe that love and respect go hand in hand. Do and think whatever it takes to make it through. I know it is hard. Sadly, many of us have walked where you are walking. Chin up. You're doing great. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Can'tGiveUp Posted December 28, 2006 Author Share Posted December 28, 2006 I think that when respect is lost for the MM, the love will fade also. For I believe that love and respect go hand in hand. I do too. I hope it fades...sort of. Don't really know which is stronger, the loss of respect...or the sadness. Either way, he chose the situation so it's not my problem. I keep hearing him saying that he gave up (on something that in most M's would not be a discussion point but a given), that he has expressed his feelings regarding this issue and got nowhere. So very unlike the person I knew originally. Then to say he doesn't bother at all anymore, just goes with whatever she wants. Perhaps it is more indicative of how much I have grown since the end of my M. No one will disregard my feelings the way I allowed them to be disregarded in my own M. Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 My xMM, at the end, was a different man altogether. A man whom I once admired and adored for his strength and conviction turned into a coward before my very eyes. Had he (when caught) stepped up to the plate, taken his licks, been honest about his involvement in the affair, and assumed responsiblity for his actions in the affair, I would have respected him. Instead, he denied my existance, threw me in front of the bus, and told her that he and I were merely friends. Once the dust settled, predictably, he was more than ready to pull me out from under the bus and start up again. (Only to throw me back under the bus yet again if I had taken the bait and we would have, God forbid, gotten caught all over again.) But it was too late. Not only was my trust shattered, I developed a seething disrespect for him for not owning up to his mistakes. Instead, I became the sacrificial lamb, the "fall guy," the scapegoat, the seductress.... And I can't love someone like that. Link to post Share on other sites
kymberann Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 No it isn't fair that we should have to be "the fall guy" for MMs behaviors, but in so many instances it turns out this way. If my MM had strapped a set on and admitted his involvement and even if he had said "Look what we had was real and meaningful, but I need to focus on M", instead of just throwing all to the side I would have had much more respect for the guy. It just goes to show what cowards are made of and I don't want to be associated wuth that. She is now stuck at home with the coward and I am learning to be free! Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 100% agreement. When you play, you pay. Except for our MM. They just ran away, hiding. Good riddance. Men like that are not worth the salt in one of our tears. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Can'tGiveUp Posted December 28, 2006 Author Share Posted December 28, 2006 No it isn't fair that we should have to be "the fall guy" for MMs behaviors, but in so many instances it turns out this way. If my MM had strapped a set on and admitted his involvement and even if he had said "Look what we had was real and meaningful, but I need to focus on M", instead of just throwing all to the side I would have had much more respect for the guy. It just goes to show what cowards are made of and I don't want to be associated wuth that. She is now stuck at home with the coward and I am learning to be free! See, that's why I don't have the anger...he did say what we had was real and meaningful, although his focus is more "family" than M. And I know he is suffering as much through this as I am. I don't care that he didn't admit involvement with me...there is no proof of "us". She has suspicions based on his behavior mostly. I expect that it won't be pleasant around their place for a while as he adjusts to not having me in his life. Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 My MM told me the same thing. What we have is true love...We are soulmates..... Up until my final conversation with him, he told me he adored me but that his children were his main concern. There was no question where his heart was.....with me....(yawn) So, I took the bull by the horns and stopped the nonsense for good. I took my power back. He, too, told me he was suffering.... But, remember, Can'tGiveUp, your MM is suffering in his life because he is choosing, everyday, to suffer. It is a choice he is making. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Can'tGiveUp Posted December 28, 2006 Author Share Posted December 28, 2006 Absolutely I get that he made the choice. And he has to live with it. Link to post Share on other sites
oyster Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 So how have you been coping so far? Hope you are keeping busy to keep your mind off thinking too much. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 My xMM, at the end, was a different man altogether. A man whom I once admired and adored for his strength and conviction turned into a coward before my very eyes. Had he (when caught) stepped up to the plate, taken his licks, been honest about his involvement in the affair, and assumed responsiblity for his actions in the affair, I would have respected him. Instead, he denied my existance, threw me in front of the bus, and told her that he and I were merely friends. Once the dust settled, predictably, he was more than ready to pull me out from under the bus and start up again. (Only to throw me back under the bus yet again if I had taken the bait and we would have, God forbid, gotten caught all over again.) But it was too late. Not only was my trust shattered, I developed a seething disrespect for him for not owning up to his mistakes. Instead, I became the sacrificial lamb, the "fall guy," the scapegoat, the seductress.... And I can't love someone like that. Ex-MM did similar things to me...I really don't know certain things, because I was not there, although (I have always called ex-MM a coward) I know the coward he is. I told him in the beginning that if he was caught he had better tell the truth and not deny me. I'm sure he did.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Can'tGiveUp Posted December 28, 2006 Author Share Posted December 28, 2006 So how have you been coping so far? Hope you are keeping busy to keep your mind off thinking too much. I have real up and down moments. I miss having an email waiting when I get to work in the morning. I'm used to meeting him every morning. I still try to escape the office for a bit but I avoid where we always went. I am thankful it is a very busy time at work right now as that helps somewhat. At home I try to focus on my kids - which is sometimes difficult as they are hitting the stage where they don't always want to be with me! lol I am thinking about going away for the weekend - visit friends. Bottom line is that I think about him all the time. And so begins Day 7... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2006 Share Posted December 28, 2006 Definately get away and have some fun with your friends. Nothing works better than laughter and being silly! Stay strong! You CAN do this! Link to post Share on other sites
puddleofmud Posted December 29, 2006 Share Posted December 29, 2006 I would rather lose anything other than someone's loss of respect for me. I could deal with any other kind of loss be it friendship, intimacy, not being liked. But loss of respect would be the worse thing I could possibly imagine. As well, loss of respect for another is just the same. Gawd, that hurts me more than it could EVER hurt them. That loss is most accute--it is as if I must look at them as if they are the "living dead". It is very painful and so very revealing about what one values about the living to feel about another that way. My heart has closed many many times but rarely lost true respect. Yet, when loss of respect was called; it was gut wrenching to say the least. Most of the time it did bring me to realise that I need never loose my own values of self-respect, though I full well admit I have done my bit by responding a time or a dozen in a manner that was just as ugly and disrespectful!!! Anger tends to put us in that place. You are doing a wonderful job respecting yourself and your boundaries and accepting nothing but RESPECT so keep up the great work! Link to post Share on other sites
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