why do they want to be friends when the affair is over?

[lovernotafighter]

I am asking because my MM wants this badly..but why?

 

I confirmed I wouldn't tell and he has nothing to fear, I told him not to be friends with me for the wrong reasons....to me there is no point just more heart ache...I really don't understand.

 

I want out, help me.

[ttomau]

It's ultimately up to you. Do you want to stay in touch with him? If yes, do so.

 

If not however, if theres too much hurt or its just not what you want anymore; just tell him. I think the best thing to do is assure him of your silence, but just tell him its not what you want anymore. Honesty is the best solution!

[ww]

always ask myself about that

[LaughMachine]

Well to keep you in proximity. AKA, keeping tabs...making sure your available for his needs? Maybe

 

 

I woulden't be friends with him, if you are heartbroken over this guy that is a big NONO and tsk tsk tsk

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I am asking because my MM wants this badly..but why?

 

I confirmed I wouldn't tell and he has nothing to fear, I told him not to be friends with me for the wrong reasons....to me there is no point just more heart ache...I really don't understand.

 

I want out, help me.

 

LNF,

 

Men who are wishy-washy tend to want to remain 'friends' after a break-up. Don't fall into the trap - it's still all about him!!

 

What kind of 'friendship' does he want? Does he still want to have coffee/lunch with you? Or does he simply want you as a friend in name only?

Either way, stay away from him as much as you can. He is toxic.

[whichwayisup]

I am asking because my MM wants this badly..but why?

 

I confirmed I wouldn't tell and he has nothing to fear, I told him not to be friends with me for the wrong reasons....to me there is no point just more heart ache...I really don't understand.

 

I want out, help me.

 

Your MM doesn't want an affair, but a friendship, which means an emotional affair. He wants YOU to be there for him still just that he won't "be" there for you. IT will be one sided and on his terms.

 

Be strong and tell him you can't handle a friendship with him and it's best you two end it completely.

 

People cannot be friends after a breakup! That is a known fact, he knows this too! He's just being selfish and wants what he wants.

[Freedom Now]

If friendship is not what you want, cut him loose.

 

His intentions will be revealed in time. If he cannot live without you, he will find you.

 

If you truly want to be free of this mess, cut him off. Block him. Don't contact him. Don't respond to his contact.

 

I have read your posts. You are a strong woman. Break free of this pain. I know you have it in you to do this.

 

Take control.

[stillhere]

Sweetie...........I know how hard this is for you. You both know it's over. He let you go. You are now free to find someone who will give you the love and happiness you deserve.

 

I think he does want you to hang around so he can know what is going on in your life, and if he's a constant presence, you won't be able to forget him.

 

I know he loves you, and you two were best friends. He's afraid that he will lose you completely and he's not ready for that. Staying friends will keep you close to him, because it's hard to let go of someone you truely love.

 

That's why these A's are so devastating. When one can't let go of their "comfort zone" or their reasons for staying, one or both parties in the A usually get hurt. Like in our situations, they want to be with us, i think they really do, they are just afraid to take that next step. Understandably so, but it still hurts like h*ll.

 

You are strong LNF, and you know this and so do i. You'll have your weak moments, as does everyone, but you will find someone. I know you will. Think positive and limit your contact with him.

 

If it is absolutely necessary, pick up that paper and do what you gotta do. He'll come find you when he's ready.

 

(((HUGS)))

[owcanbhppy]

did you build a friendship bfr a, or during? i would never give up my friendship w/ mm, even if i had to give up the romantic.

 

i have to disagree w/ which, there is no 'known fact' that people cant be friends after a break-up. i have several close friends that were once bfs.

i didnt hate them before i dated them & found nothing to hate just because a romantic relationship wasnt what worked for us.

 

very, very decent guys, just didnt relate 'that way'.

 

if a friendship contact hurts you, however, then you have to do what you need to take the best care of yourself.

 

best of luck to you.

[Freedom Now]

I agree with you owcanbhppy.

 

I am friends with ALL of my ex's. And I hold no romantic dreams with any of them.

 

It IS possible to be friends, but I think it is only possible when BOTH parties are healed and hold no romantic feelings for each other any longer.

[owcanbhppy]

very good point freedom, if both are healed & neither carry romantic expectations, then wonderful friendships can flourish.

[Can'tGiveUp]

Without getting into the details of my story, when my MM and I split for more than a year, we were basically NC. The exceptions to this were the occasional emails and once in a while we would run into each other. Everything was very friendly and non-emotional and followed our plan to 'remain friends'. Not close friends, but friends.

 

After one meeting, I told him that it was still difficult for me to see him. He apparently had the same problem and so we decided to try and be real friends again, as we missed each other so much. It didn't work as we both wanted so much more and now I am the OW.

 

So, when there are still romantic feelings, the friendship won't work. At least, it didn't for us.

 

What he did tell me, is that the reason he would send me an email when we were NC, was that he needed to be in my life in some small way. There were weeks without any contact, and he was positive that I had moved on with my life and forgotten about him. He believed that his feelings for me had been much deeper than mine for him...I was responding to his need to work on his marriage without any interference from me.

[lovernotafighter]

if there were no romantic feelings between me and my MM we could be great friends.

 

but the problem is you can 'unring a bell' we can't un do what has happened..he has to know that and that's where my confusion lies...as SH said this time he let me go..

 

I was the last one to say it's over yadda yadda..but he kept trying to talk to me..

 

so then I asked him if wanted me to wait for him..he actually said yes (horrifying I know) , but as friends because he knows I was right when I said to him I have nothing but his word that he isn't stringing me along.

he doesn't want to hurt me any more..wtf? to me friends is just as bad... if not worse...all we did was tell each other we were in love blah blah and he wants to be friends..I find it twisted logic.

 

I know you all are right, I am just baffled by it.

[kellyp1]

I agree that only after healing has happened can this be a possibility. There are some ex's that is can naturally flow into friendship and usually that is due to the fact that one or both parties were just not that into the relationship.

 

I look at it this way, for me to cross over my own moral lines and let me heart be given to a MM, is it due to feelings being so strong that I couldn't imagine life before him. I am friends with a MM now and we have not crossed any lines but with the feelings that we both know are between us, it is hard. My only relief (and agony at the same time) is that he has gotten really sick and is having to sleep a lot and tries so hard to put on a happy face about it that he and I have hardly talked beyond the surface lately. It made me realize how much I looked forward to talking to him, bouncing ideas off of him and joking around. But to be honest, it was a forced break that I think we both needed to reaffirm that no lines would be crossed.

 

Good luck with this, at the end of the day, if you really want a friendship with this man, tell him you need time to heal. If he really wants to be a friend, he will respect that and let you get to a place where you can decide if his friendship is really something you want in your life. Remember, only you know what is best for you. If having him around will prevent you from finding true love, it may not be worth it.

[Freedom Now]

I am asking because my MM wants this badly..but why?

 

I confirmed I wouldn't tell and he has nothing to fear, I told him not to be friends with me for the wrong reasons....to me there is no point just more heart ache...I really don't understand.

 

I want out, help me.

 

Oh, LNF....My heart bleeds with you.

 

These MM want friendship because they aren't ready to let us go. It is that simple. They know they aren't willing to do what it takes to make us a couple, so they tell themselves that they will be satisfied to just HAVE us in their lives. In their minds, I surmise, a SMALL part of us is better than NO part of us. So, they offer friendship.

 

But, WE cannot do that. That is the problem in a nutshell. We cannot be friends. It is not enough for us. And, it isn't enough for them either, but they rationalize that it will HAVE to be for the time being.

 

I could not be friends with my MM. It was slashing my heart. I had gaping, gaping wounds from it.

 

So I cut him out of my life. He gets none of me now. But it took me a good long while to get to this point. I tossed and turned and cried and raged and went through every emotion that every OW goes through before she throws in the towel.

 

In spite of it all, I feel empowered now. I called the shots at the end. And I left him. No small feat, as you understand, but a necessary step.

 

It is hard to get to this point, but once you get here; once you decide that NO relationship is better than a tortured, limping relationship, you will cross that line.

 

You are stronger than you think. Take a deep breath, square up your shoulders and cross that line.

 

There is peace on this side.

[lovernotafighter]

Oh, LNF....My heart bleeds with you.

 

These MM want friendship because they aren't ready to let us go. It is that simple. They know they aren't willing to do what it takes to make us a couple, so they tell themselves that they will be satisfied to just HAVE us in their lives. In their minds, I surmise, a SMALL part of us is better than NO part of us. So, they offer friendship.

 

But, WE cannot do that. That is the problem in a nutshell. We cannot be friends. It is not enough for us. And, it isn't enough for them either, but they rationalize that it will HAVE to be for the time being.

 

I could not be friends with my MM. It was slashing my heart. I had gaping, gaping wounds from it.

 

So I cut him out of my life. He gets none of me now. But it took me a good long while to get to this point. I tossed and turned and cried and raged and went through every emotion that every OW goes through before she throws in the towel.

 

In spite of it all, I feel empowered now. I called the shots at the end. And I left him. No small feat, as you understand, but a necessary step.

 

It is hard to get to this point, but once you get here; once you decide that NO relationship is better than a tortured, limping relationship, you will cross that line.

 

You are stronger than you think. Take a deep breath, square up your shoulders and cross that line.

 

There is peace on this side.

Thank you FN ,I want the peace you speak of..I hope to find it soon..

 

*crossing line now* I think I'm doing it...not well mind you, but doing it all the same :-)

[kellyp1]

They like to feel they are not hurting you and asking for your friendship comes across like they always want you in their life. Just a thought...

[lovernotafighter]

They like to feel they are not hurting you and asking for your friendship comes across like they always want you in their life. Just a thought...

 

I think this is what some do..and I kinda want to think that about mine..but I dumped him a month ago and didn't want friendship..but he kept tracking me down..in fact this little talk we had was his idea..so with mine, this isn't the case, thats why it's more baffleing.

[lovernotafighter]

I'm still just baffled as before everyone...

 

since this thread we went NC like the week after cause I was like no way my dear.... we only spoke briefly 4 times in almost 2 months..once was my fault because his wife was ill and I felt bad and showed some compassion...but we promptly resumed NC.

 

he broke it a couple of weeks ago and begged me to try to be his friend...everything seems the same as what I wrote..so I don't understand at all.

 

is it really possible of a MM to want a friendship with someone they have been intimate with and maintains they are in love with?

 

my mind says no way. but I told my MM I didn't want this, it was either all or nothing..he says he loves me and wants a future with me and friendship won't hurt either of us, he thinks when we are both 'out of woods' then we can go back to what we had or something.

 

this is some really weird MM jibberish to me...I don't want a friendship how can a man only want that...he has to be lying to me..but besides saying nutzo things to me he has kept his fat fingers to himself.

 

I can't believe I am reading my thread from 3 months ago and it's the same ol crap...wow..so lets just say this is a update and not a question then, cause I got great answers and listened and he came back with the same ol crap 2 months later.

 

he did tell me he felt NC was fate and a blessing to him cause he really knew he couldn't live with out me in his life..well it's just words..blagh!

[Chapter2]

It doesn't matter if you're not doing it well...you're doing it and that's what counts. You can kick, scream, cry, you name it but the fact is that you are a strong woman to do it at all.

 

xMM seem to have unbelievable expectations of us...some (including mine) expect friendship even after denying us or minimizing us to their wife on D-day...you know, that woman they claim keeps them in prison?

 

Anyway, I digress... when my xMM offered me friendship I told him that maybe one day that could be possible but certainly not in the foreseable future. I can't be his friend without any emotional investment. If I start lying to myself about having that ability then I'll be right back where I started. Plus, my friends don't treat me the way he did. My friends don't ever deny loving me, knowing me or even being my friend for that matter. My friends stand by me and are proud to let people know they're my friend. I realize that a MM can't play that roll and that's part and parcel of an affair, but when I started reconsidering my worth, I realized that I deserve more even from a man I called my very best friend.

 

I think his offer of friendship is fear that he will lose you completely. Friendship is the largest check he's willing to write right now and still be able to cash (maybe)... It helps me to think about what a friend is when I regret not taking him up on his "offer" of friendship...he can't even be what I want in a friend right now, much less a romantic partner. When I remember that, I realize I'm better off to keep my scabs intact instead of re-opening them everytime my "friend" wants contact... (ooh, that sounds gross--sorry)

 

 

 

Thank you FN ,I want the peace you speak of..I hope to find it soon..

 

*crossing line now* I think I'm doing it...not well mind you, but doing it all the same :-)

[foxyfit]

My situation is not unique. I don't mean to ignore your post. I am sorry for your situation. My friend of almost a year now is still talking to and visiting his ex wife. She calls early in the morning, she calls about the (35-40) year old children late in the night. She sends porn through the email. He is going there for Christmas. I don't know whether they are sleeping together, but she asked him to move in with her again. HE says it is all innocent. Is he playing with fire?

 

 

He also maintains an online persona where he chats with other women and emails them his profile. He doesn't think this is cheating. He says I want him to fit into a mold? Should I leave this situation alone?

[movinon05]

My situation is not unique. I don't mean to ignore your post. I am sorry for your situation. My friend of almost a year now is still talking to and visiting his ex wife. She calls early in the morning, she calls about the (35-40) year old children late in the night. She sends porn through the email. He is going there for Christmas. I don't know whether they are sleeping together, but she asked him to move in with her again. HE says it is all innocent. Is he playing with fire?

 

 

He also maintains an online persona where he chats with other women and emails them his profile. He doesn't think this is cheating. He says I want him to fit into a mold? Should I leave this situation alone?

 

You have listed EIGHT RED FLAGS! You should be not walking, not running, but flying at the speed of light for the hills!

[pureinheart]

Hey LNAF....Ex-MM did the same thing with me and I didn't understand the reasons and still don't.....to me remaining friends is playing with fire.

 

It's one of two things....like you said fear of me talking....or to still have a foot in the door so to speak....

 

Ex-MM and I tried the friend thing and it always lead to EA being started up again...

[pureinheart]

Oh, LNF....My heart bleeds with you.

 

These MM want friendship because they aren't ready to let us go. It is that simple. They know they aren't willing to do what it takes to make us a couple, so they tell themselves that they will be satisfied to just HAVE us in their lives. In their minds, I surmise, a SMALL part of us is better than NO part of us. So, they offer friendship.

 

But, WE cannot do that. That is the problem in a nutshell. We cannot be friends. It is not enough for us. And, it isn't enough for them either, but they rationalize that it will HAVE to be for the time being.

 

I could not be friends with my MM. It was slashing my heart. I had gaping, gaping wounds from it.

 

So I cut him out of my life. He gets none of me now. But it took me a good long while to get to this point. I tossed and turned and cried and raged and went through every emotion that every OW goes through before she throws in the towel.

 

In spite of it all, I feel empowered now. I called the shots at the end. And I left him. No small feat, as you understand, but a necessary step.

 

It is hard to get to this point, but once you get here; once you decide that NO relationship is better than a tortured, limping relationship, you will cross that line.

 

You are stronger than you think. Take a deep breath, square up your shoulders and cross that line.

 

There is peace on this side.

 

I really like what you stated here....thank you...very encouraging....

 

For the Ex-MM I think it was easy for us to be "friends"....he never had any intentions of making this an honest R....no matter how much they say they love you, no matter how "deep" they say it is....IT'S NOT DEEP ENOUGH!

 

"Friendship" is just a word game to keep OW tied to the ball and chain

[BUTAFLY]

why do they want to be friends when the affair is over?

 

ExMM did this too me. He got married, called me on his honeymoon, called me when he got back from his honeymoon. I finally answered my phone to say stop calling, He said he wishes he could quick calling but he can't stop thinking of me. I think ultimally its to keep the door open. In his case he wasn't sure if marrying his wife was the right thing and just in case he wanted me there as backup. I informed him I am not his consolation prize if things don't work out w/her.