Anger Management

[CeeJayXX]

I don't know where my head is anymore. I don't know if Im right or wrong....jealous or what... I don't even know if Im in the right place posting this....

 

My H works with a woman who he has to have quite a bit of contact with daily because of the line of work.

 

When we attended a work function - months ago - where there was alcohol involved...As the evening progressed, she sat beside him, fixed her top that mysteriously started to come loose, (you can imagine what I mean by that as she is well endowed), and she started running her hand up the inside of his thigh.... We left at this point, I was trying to handle the situation with class.....

 

When we left that evening, I was told I was making a mountain out of a mole hill...I was wrong for my upsetting actions...alcohol makes people do weird things...

 

I have since, violently exploded in anger (just recently) because every time I go into his work (for important reasons, not just because and not to check up on him), she is right there....I just can't handle it anymore. I feel like she knows our life and what I think of her.

 

I have checked bank statements, cell phone records....everything. I have found nothing... I don't know why he defended her actions.

 

I'm a good wife, I keep a clean house, Im understanding and family oriented. I hold a more than, full time job for extra income. He worries about nothing in the household.

 

Can anyone help me with my thoughts. My explosion of anger recently was incredible.......and not like me at all. I hate this woman for making me feel the way I did that evening. For putting me in such an uncomfortable situation. I wish I would have said something to her when the opportunity was there, but I didn't.... I want my say ......... I know I sound crazy...Im not....Just going through something I feel is so difficult. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

[silktricks]

You are not making a mountain out of a molehill. You are making a molehill out of a mountain. If a woman did that to my husband - in front of me no less - she would have walked out of there missing a hand. If my husband made excuses for her, he would have walked out missing a head. (I'm not sure which one.)

 

That said (all sarcasm included), his actions do not indicate they are having an affair (not that she doesn't want one, because I'd bet you a penny to $100,000 that she does). His actions do, however, indicate that he is more concerned about peace at work then he is about your sanity.

 

You need to drag him to a MC with you so that he can understand the gravity of his actions (or actually lack of actions) and what that is doing to you.

[LakesideDream]

I would suggest sitting your H down over a nice dinner out, (where you will be on your non anger behavior) and tell him how you feel about the situation.

 

Obviously this will take some pride swallowing on your part as in the telling you will lose some of your "personal power" temporarily.

 

There is a good possibility that he is not attracted to the woman at all, and needs to maintain the peace at work, to continue to be the provider he is. Learning your concerns calmly, may lead him to isolating himself from the offensive woman, or telling her to knock it off.

 

MC's aren't for everything. If your H has given you no reasons to believe he is engaging in bad behavior, why punish him... Why drag him to a councilor for someone elses misdeeds?

[CeeJayXX]

Thank you both for your ensightful replies.

 

Silk Tricks, I think your bang on. I am not a hate filled person or filled with anger but this just put me right over the edge. During this whole main event this woman explained to me how my H didnt care for women that wore their hair down. (I, of course, wear my hair up because it's quick and easy, I have children to tend to). As she said this, another co-worker spoke up and said "Is that why you don't wear your hair up anymore XXX". My H has never cared about little stuff like that.

 

I would like to have relocated her jaw that evening, but I just walked away from it...as this was the first time I had ever met any of the co-workers.

 

LakesideDream, I tried the "sit down talk" and it didnt take effect.

 

You're both right in saying he is trying to keep the peace.....I know that but I think I would rather have peace at home rather than work. That would be my main concern.

 

Now the interesting part in all this is....we will no longer attend staff functions because it's "nothing but a hassle"... My actions and words have punished ME..not her but ME......

 

The sickest part in all of this was that her husband was present during all of the events and he thought it was funny. He made some interesting comments to me that pretty much made the point that I clearly don't compare to his beloved wife.

 

The whole situation makes me ill.........more because I walked away from the original problem when I should have atleast voiced my opinion of her foolishness and set the record straight in front of all her co-workers.

[LakesideDream]

CeyJayXX, don't underestimate the value to a man (husband, fathers) motivation to "keep peace at work". While this may seem less important or even trivial to you, many men, myself included always have the fact in the back of their mind that there must be a home to keep peace at.

 

Without their income, most homes would falter. That being said, obviously you are still p1ssed off. I suggest that you let him know how serious you are, maybe in a letter, and drop it.

 

Be on guard for a repition of the behavior and problem. Deal with the woman as needed without punishing your husband for what he doesen't see a problem, because it isn't one in his mind.

 

Your comments about the husband watching and thinking it was funny could be illuminating. It's possible this woman is just an outlandish comedian who doesen't understand (or care) what the reaction of her audiance will or is. She may just be in it for the attention she receives playing the fool.

[silktricks]

MC's aren't for everything. If your H has given you no reasons to believe he is engaging in bad behavior, why punish him... Why drag him to a councilor for someone elses misdeeds?

 

Marriage counseling is not punishment, it is a help with communication between a husband and wife who are not communicating properly. CJ is obviously in a great deal of pain over what happened. Her husband doesn't understand her point of view. CJ's husband has a need to keep the peace at work, CJ doesn't understand his position fully. Counseling could certainly help with their situation.

[LakesideDream]

Silktricks, MC or any other forced activity can be a hardship or punishment if done without reason. When there is no "misdeed" the couple must agree there is a problem that needs counciling.

 

CeeJayXX has no reason to believe her husband has any responsibility in this situation, or has any "fault" to accept. By forcing her husband to do something he may not want to do she risks causing more trouble between them than this obnoxious woman ever could.

 

Now the other couple sounds like they could use some serious therapy.