Want to work on marriage, but feelings for another man in the way (warning, LONG)

[maddkari]

I'm not sure where to begin.

First I'll start with the other man in my life.

We met the summer when we were 16. I really liked him--he's one of those guys who steals a place in your heart the moment you meet him. But we lived pretty far apart and attended different high schools, so once school started, we both went back to our regular lives. We would keep in touch every now and then, but without the ability to drive and see each other, eventually the romance part of it dwindled. We stayed friends though and would hang out every so often. During our senior year in high school, three of our friends were killed in a car accident. I instinctively looked for him at the first viewing, and he for me. We kept in touch more frequently after that, but stayed just friends. Then I was off to college and he was off to the Navy. We'd drop each other a line every few months or so in college, and make plans to see each other when we could, but it never happened. Our breaks never seemed to coincide. But finally, after graduating from college and moving back home in 1997, our schedules coincided. I was excited to see him again and reconnect. We had made plans for him to attend a friends wedding with me in early June. Two hours before he was supposed to pick me up, he calls and cancels, telling me he was too hung over and couldn't go. I was furious and hung up on him. And went to the wedding by myself. Two weeks later, I met the man who would later become my husband. I actually knew I was going to marrying him the moment I saw him. It was amazing. Within two months he asked me to move in with him. The morning of the move, my mother woke me up at 5 am telling me that he was on the phone for me. I thought something was wrong and ran to the phone. But after hearing him speak, I realized it wasn't him at all, but the "other man" (they have the same name). I was furious, since it was 5 am and he was drunk as a skunk. I told him I didn't have time for this, was moving away that afternoon, and hung up. Two months after moving in together future hubby and I were engaged and as luck would have it, that night we also got pregnant. So instead of a honeymoon baby, we had an engagement baby. We eloped when I was four months pregnant. 5 months later, our daughter was born. So within a year, we met, got married and had a child. Alot, I know, but it worked for us. Since then, we've had two more children. We've had our struggles, but have always made it through them.About three years ago, I got an email from "the other man" wanting to reconnect. I had forgotten all about that summer and was actually happy to hear from him and to hear that his life was going well. He'd made a career in the Navy and had gotten married. It was nice to be in touch with him again. After a few weeks of emailing back and forth, he finally admitted why he sought me out again. Turns out he's in AA and was in the process of apologizing to all those he'd hurt through the course of his drinking. And he wanted to apologize for behavior that summer. I felt horrible. I never had any clue as to his drinking and was so quick to write him off. I accepted his apology and offered my own for being such a poor friend to him. We kept in touch with each other after that, sharing our stories from the past five years. After a while, he figured out that I met my current husband right after the wedding debacle and that my husband was the reason I was moving that morning when he called drunk. I think that hit him really hard, since he later confessed that he had fallen in love with me the summer when we were 16 and had always hoped that we'd get another chance. I freaked out after that email. It brought out all these emotions and it was the first time I had ever looked at that summer of 1997 that way. I never thought “what if” until then. I wasn't prepared for that, and it scared me, and I knew that I needed to tell my husband about the email It wasn't easy, but I did and he took it okay. He just asked that I never speak to the other man again. I did what my husband asked and even blocked his email addressA few months later, I got email from the other man (he'd changed email addresses through work). He never mentioned his last email. I did write him back, but kept my emails brief and cold. Although I have to admit, that I have thought about him more than I’d like to admit. Usually when things are not going so well in my marriage or at other low times. Since then, we have only ever written when something important in our lives happen (like when he had a child). We send pictures every now and then, and holiday emails, but that’s about it. In some of his emails, he’s tried to talk to me again about “us” but never directly. And as much as I’ve wanted to respond, I’ve always just ignored them.

Okay, so why am I writing now? Well, as I mentioned before, my husband and I have had our struggles, but have always gotten through them. But lately, the struggles have gotten to be more than we can handle. It even got to the point where I packed the kids up and went to my sisters for a while. It was the first time I was able to do that. It was the first time I gave myself permission to do that. And I finally gave myself permission not to like my husband for the first time. And permission to admit to myself that there are some things about him that are never going to change. Most I can live with. He’s a good man, with a good heart and is a great provider, and I know he loves me and kids. And I don’t want to leave him, nor do I want the other man to leave his family

As much as there is a “what if” present, there are four beautiful children that wouldn’t be here had things turned out differently.

I know most people look outside their marriage for affection and love when things are missing from their own marriage. I have never cheated on my husband nor have I given it any thought, until now.

I haven’t spoken to him about this, but I’m wondering if I should. I want to get him out of my system. I don’t feel like I can give my marriage the chance it deserves with this in the way. It’ll only make it too easy to give up. But I can’t stop thinking about this. Sure, I’ve had my fantasies (you know when the hot neighbor mows the lawn with his shirt off, or you see a bunch of fireman hanging out around the firehouse), but that’s all those were—fantasies and there wasn’t much romance to them (if you know what I mean) But with him, it’s different. My fantasy is a relationship with him that coexists with our marriages (ever see “same time, next year”? I know that’s wrong and completely immoral, but how do I stop? How do I get over this

And the real kicker is that he lives over 1200 miles away, so I know there’s no actual chance of any of this happening. Is that why I’m doing this? Is it because it’s “Safe"?

 

I apologize for the length of this post, but I wanted to give as much information as possible. I just don’t know who to turn to. Any and all advice is welcome

[whichwayisup]

Two weeks later, I met the man who would later become my husband. I actually knew I was going to marrying him the moment I saw him. It was amazing. Within two months he asked me to move in with him.

Then you should have never looked back. The OM was your past...Even though he called you when stopped drinking (you knew he had a drinking problem because everytime he called you, he was drunk) it would have been best to let the past stay in the past. With children and a husband, that should have been enough reason NOT to allow any contact with the OM.

 

What kind of struggles did you and your husband have? This is important because there are reasons why you let yourself consider a fling with the OM.

 

You have a good man (your husband) in your life. Go with him to marriage counselling and fix the problems. Don't go outside of the marriage because you feel you missed out - That's just not fair to your kids and to your husband. Saying your vows means that you only are to 'be' intimate with your husband...

 

You have to get over this OM. He serves NO good purpose in your life. Imagine if your husband had another woman from his past that he had feelings for and she was "around"...And he was considering having an affair. That would hurt you, yes? Well, please consider HIS feelings here. And your kids.

 

Fantasies are one thing and because of the distance he's not a threat, but you'll still be having an emotional affair with him...Leading him on. Meaning, you have NO real intentions (now) of ending your marriage - So, what's the point?

 

Seriously, go to counselling, talk to your husband. Work through whatever issues are going on.

[jonesgirly]

you should break up really long posts with paragraphs.

[Ladyjane14]

Well, as I mentioned before, my husband and I have had our struggles, but have always gotten through them. But lately, the struggles have gotten to be more than we can handle....

 

Has your preoccupation with the 'old flame' grown apace of the problems in the marriage?

 

If so, it's not an abnormal reaction. When you're faced with problems that seem almost insurmountable, it's easy to get emotionally side-tracked. The fixation you're experiencing on your old boyfriend is more than likely a response to the stress in your life. Lots and lots of people go through it. Most don't act on it though.

 

I think it'll take the teeth out of the obsession if you can put it in context and recognize that it's most likely a product of your feelings of impotence in solving the marital problems. An old boyfriend is a VERY convenient escape hatch, wouldn't you agree?

 

Talk to a counselor about it. You'll feel ALOT better when you realize that you're not just a BAD PERSON for having these feelings.

 

You'll also improve your ability to focus on the problems in front of you if you dedicate yourself to permanent NC with the OM. You can't keep an emotional attachment on standby regarding him and still do justice to your marriage. He needs to be off the grid as one of your eventual options. When you close the "escape hatch" and muddle through under your own steam, you're better able to trust your own judgement because you're no longer distracted.