cedric4691 Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 Less than a week after a huge confrontation, the result of which was promises to be truthful from now on, I find that my W is still lying. I promised not to snoop on her anymore, but I broke that promise after she said she went for a drive but came home smelling of cigarette smoke. I found that she has taken up smoking and is trying to hide it from me. I confronted her and she said she had taken two puffs then thrown the pack away. But when I snooped I found the pack in her purse. Last night she came home again with strong tobacco breath, even though she had RAN to the bathroom as soon as she got home and brushed her teeth. I asked her if she's been smoking and she denied it repeatedly. But that's not the important thing. The important thing is that I checked her cell phone calls and found calls to the OM's number and to her voice mail. She continues to maintain she just wanted a friend, and that he won't talk to her because she refused to sleep with him. But then why all these voice mail calls? And she has lied and lied and lied before. I'm wondering if it's all worth it? Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 If you can't trust her to tell the truth about smoking what makes you think she will tell the truth about this relationship with this guy friend she is getting something out of it or she wouldn't be turning to him for a friend.. In a marriage you are suppose to be the best of friends why would she need him unless she feels she can't talk to you !! I feel this way about my h alot and can't talk with him without him gettting mad so i turn to LS to get out my feelings .. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 You are in a marriage where you wife deliberately lies to you about smoking, meeting another man behind your back, continuing to talke to the OM etc. Clearly she knows she can continue to lie to you about everything since seemingly there are no consequences to her actions. You are in a marriage where your wife refuses to let go of a relationship with another man who openly has asked to sleep with her. The fact that he continues to be in contact with her implies the strong possibility that they have already had sex and he wishes to continue it and so does she. The bottom line is that you are with a habitual liar who has no respect for you, your relationship or your intelligence. I hope she does not have access to all of your accounts. I would be worried about the possibility of contacting STD's. In short, her continued lying to you about other things indicate that she will do whatever she wishes to do behind your back regardless of your feelings. Your future will be your past with this woman since she refuses to stop lying. Why would you wish to be with a person who seemingly enjoys lying and disrespecting you this way? Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 Why do you think your wife feels it appropriate to lie to you about something as rediculous as smoking? Link to post Share on other sites
smallwoodpecker Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 there is nothing else that hurt so much to discover your partner is lying. You think may be she is taking you for granted...? maybe she thinks that you would be waiting for her anyway? I am also going through the tough time.. I found my husband having an affair with his co-worker. and now he is gone.. because he could not see me cry anymore. Once she loses you, she may realize how horrible things she has done to you... Link to post Share on other sites
EMJ Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 "And she has lied and lied and lied before. I'm wondering if it's all worth it?" It's not worth it. Marriage is the one relationship in which honesty and openess are critical. Other people can lie to you and it may not really matter, they aren't the one's you count on to be on your side. Her keeping secrets and outright lies are making you a suspicious and distrustful person and that can't be a good thing. Ask yourself, are you a better person due to being with her or are you worse? You can't control or change anyone. If she really things it's ok to be deceptive, don't know that there's anything you can really do but move on. Follow your gut. It will never lie to you. Best wishes and good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
mcmlxii Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 I am leaving my wife for the same reason. At first she was lying about OM now she lies about alot of stuff even little things and I know she has the attitude that what I don't know won't hurt me. I would not be surprized if she some day tells me OM didn't even exist and I just dreamed him up. So I don't know if she was always like this or changed during marriage but it has become apparent that the truth is not in her anymore. So I been through 2 years of this with her and 8 years of marriage and I give up. Don't waste 2 years like I did that's my 2c. Sorry for your trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
listening Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Okay, maybe I can help you with your situation, seeing on how my actions are very similar to your girlfriends. First of all, I lie all the time to my SO about smoking and I RUN to the bathroom as soon as I finish smoking to brush my teeth and then I shove wads of gum in my mouth and sometimes I go out for a drive just so I can smoke without being spied upon. That doesn’t mean I am cheating on him for chrissakes….It just means I am stressed and I need to distress and have a smoke. Have you harped on her about smoking before? Why I lie to him is abundantly apparent. HE DOESN’T LIKE SMOKING and he certainly doesn’t like me smoking. We have gotten into issues about this from time to time. I keep promising to quit but I keep failing my promises. I feel like such a failure when he smells it on me even when I have tried to conceal it. And because I do love him and respect him and his feelings about the matter, I don’t smoke in front of him and I try to conceal it when I do smoke by brushing my teeth and sticking wads of gum in my mouth. Ask yourself this, have you yourself ever called a girl and spoke with her even though you are with your girlfriend? Were the voice messages alluding to something between her and the other man?? I guess I don’t understand. Expound please. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 This is all pretty normal when you're going through the recovery from an affair. She promised "NC"...but now she's wanting to keep him just 'as a friend'. Do NOT accept that. You need to get counseling...a good MC who is pro-marriage and very familiar with infidelity could help you a lot here. You need to get a neutral third party who can tell her that she needs to end contact with OM completely. The reality is that an affair is an addiction...and she's fighting to get ANY kind of dose she can. This is a normal thing...and just like dealing with a drug addict, you need to stand firm with a STRONG NO!!! The smoking is a symptom of the affair too. It's her way of being defiant, of trying to be a different person than the lady who's been married to you all of this time. While I'd make sure that she knows that you don't like it, and you're worried about her health, don't focus on that...focus on the REAL danger here...the continuing affair. THE AFFAIR IS STILL ONGOING FOR AS LONG AS SHE HAS ANY CONTACT WITH OM...you know it...do NOT negotiate this fact. Don't apologize for snooping...and don't promise not to anymore either. Tell her you WILL snoop to make sure that the affair is over. Remind her that trust is EARNED...not given. She's broken your trust...and now she needs to earn it back by displaying trustworthy behavior...it's that simple. I've been through this. You can work to end the affair...what you need to do is to make it clear that YOU are making the conditions in your marriage now...not her. YOU should REQUIRE that she attend MC with you...that the contact with OM ends...etc...as conditions for her remaining married to you. Start by getting some good reading material and doing some research on dealing with affairs...go to marriagebuilders.com and post there too. Hope this helps friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Gosh, my husband's ex wife did something exactly similar to this when she was cheating. She'd go into the bathroom and smoke and then say she didn't. Owl is giving you good advice here. I'd also add that to actually want to recover the marriage, she needs to be coming to you asking you to set the terms. In other words, she shouldn't expect privacy or make you promise not to snoop- you have every right to! Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 This is all pretty normal when you're going through the recovery from an affair. She promised "NC"...but now she's wanting to keep him just 'as a friend'. Do NOT accept that. You need to get counseling...a good MC who is pro-marriage and very familiar with infidelity could help you a lot here. You need to get a neutral third party who can tell her that she needs to end contact with OM completely. The reality is that an affair is an addiction...and she's fighting to get ANY kind of dose she can. This is a normal thing...and just like dealing with a drug addict, you need to stand firm with a STRONG NO!!! The smoking is a symptom of the affair too. It's her way of being defiant, of trying to be a different person than the lady who's been married to you all of this time. While I'd make sure that she knows that you don't like it, and you're worried about her health, don't focus on that...focus on the REAL danger here...the continuing affair. THE AFFAIR IS STILL ONGOING FOR AS LONG AS SHE HAS ANY CONTACT WITH OM...you know it...do NOT negotiate this fact. Don't apologize for snooping...and don't promise not to anymore either. Tell her you WILL snoop to make sure that the affair is over. Remind her that trust is EARNED...not given. She's broken your trust...and now she needs to earn it back by displaying trustworthy behavior...it's that simple. I've been through this. You can work to end the affair...what you need to do is to make it clear that YOU are making the conditions in your marriage now...not her. YOU should REQUIRE that she attend MC with you...that the contact with OM ends...etc...as conditions for her remaining married to you. Start by getting some good reading material and doing some research on dealing with affairs...go to marriagebuilders.com and post there too. Hope this helps friend. Totally agree with Owl Marriage Builders is an awesome site and can help you alot !! I highly recommend it.. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Cedric I posted in your other thread and you didn't reply or I am assuming listen to it. You need tough love. Give her the ultimatium. She is lying to you and honestly it looks like she's been sleeping with him. She doesn't respect you or this marriage. She is not being a wife let alone a friend to you. Either marriage counseling or she leaves. No ifs, ands or buts about it. She hasn't gotten out of the 'cheating' stage yet. Personally if I were you, I would get her things tonight and pack them up. Why should she respect you when you are just rolling over & piddling? You aren't demanding respect or showing any confidence in yourself. You are also not making her face any consequences for her actions. If you are afraid you might lose her because of taking this stance.. Well buddy you WILL lose her continuing what you are doing which is basically nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cedric4691 Posted January 24, 2006 Author Share Posted January 24, 2006 I appreciate all the advice/feedback. What's going on now is that I'm gathering data. Patiently collecting until I have enough to prove an affair. Then I'll confront her and put the ball in her court. If she wanst to save the marriage, then she will have to agree to counselling and consent to allowing me to monitor her. My mista ke has been that I haven't had incontrovertible proof of an affair. But I'm confident that with patience I can and will get it. It's REALLY hard to lay low, and she's already gotten MUCH more careful. I'm not sure I will want to stay in the marriage, but for some reaon it is important to me to have proof she cant lie her way out of. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 I'm sorry, but didn't you have a video tape?? Did I not tell you to call the person who shot the video and ask them exactly what they saw, rather than relying on the video which you said was gray or whatever??? What happened with that? Link to post Share on other sites
grateful Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 I'm not sure I will want to stay in the marriage, but for some reaon it is important to me to have proof she cant lie her way out of. As someone whose coping mechanism is denial, I can say that this sentence right here smacks of it. How does she "lie her way out of" the evidence you've seen with your own eyes, and felt in your own gut? You are the one letting her off the hook. Wanting more and more proof of the lies that your title says are mounting up might just be your way to not face up to what you already know. Trust yourself and your feelings and don't let yourself fool yourself. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cedric4691 Posted January 25, 2006 Author Share Posted January 25, 2006 I'm sorry, but didn't you have a video tape?? Did I not tell you to call the person who shot the video and ask them exactly what they saw, rather than relying on the video which you said was gray or whatever??? What happened with that? The PI who shot the tape said pretty much what is on the tape. You cant see in the car where they are parked for 40 minutes. My W says she had been drinking and so they sat there until she sobered up enough to drive. The tape DOES show them walking arm in arm down the street, but she claims she was drunk and doesn't remember that -- says he was probably supporting her. The tape shows one very brief spot where it LOOKS like she kisses him, but it is dark, blurry, and not the rock-solid proof I would like to have. There is nothing more than that on the tape. There is a LOT of circumstantial evidence, but I want more both for my own peace of mind and so that I can confront from a position of absolute incontrovertibility. If this were a court of law, I think there would be enough circumstantial evidence for a conviction. But I really want the smoking gun. I think it works out for the best anyhow, because I think I need time to grieve for the relationship that is being lost. I know there is a lot of denial taking place, and I believe that the more the evidence mounts up, the harder it will be to find room for denial within myself, until finally I have no choice but to accept it. I have to quash the doubts in myself or they will always remain with me. This is very much for me like the cliche of watching the train wreck -- I know it is happening, but I can't look away. I tell myself "this can't be happening" but at the same time I know that it is. But I will give myself the time I need, and meanwhile, keep gathering evidence. It's become a surreal sort of a game. I ask her questions like "who were you talking to on the phone just now" knowing she will lie, and then wondering "will she tell the truth just this once? Nope." I'm not blind, and I do read and take to heart the advice I get here. It is part of what helps me come to terms with what is real rather than what I want to be real. And I have read every post and every pointer, and it all goes into the pot to be stirred in with everything else. So please don't think your replies have gone unnoticed or unappreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 The thing is Cedric, is that she is in a fog right now, sort of an addiction and she's not capable of telling the truth. Very rarely will they admit to the affair. The tendency is to cover it up and lie, lie, lie- either to avoid confrontation or to avoid hurting the other partner. When you're doing it, you think you're above getting caught. I know that sounds crazy to a normal person, but it's not crazy to one who is involved in a affair. What she is getting from this- whatever it may be- and it's different for everyone- she needs so desperately she's willing to do whatever it takes to keep it going. Just like a drug addict seeking their drug. It took a full year after my affair ended for me to think clearly and to be able to own up to my actions and to really get a good look at what I had done. How you handle it from this point is crucial if you want to save the marriage. It's easy to sit back and think your wife is a bad person because she's done this but in reality she's probably not. She's just done something she shouldn't have. If I were you I'd avoid asking her questions. To me, that would only put the situation to the front of her mind like, "He's watching me" Don't mention it or appear to be doing anything out of the ordinary until you gather what you want to confront her with. She'll be more likely to let her guard down if she thinks you're not suspicious. Do you want to save the marriage if she will own up to her actions and go to counseling? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cedric4691 Posted January 25, 2006 Author Share Posted January 25, 2006 Do you want to save the marriage if she will own up to her actions and go to counseling? Yes, but she would have to do both of those things. So far she won't, and that's why I feel that I need a "Smoking Gun". Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 Cedric read the post in my signature. Even if you do get past this scenario with her and this guy, the problems under all of this is still there. You will continue to play PI and be a her parent to her until you either get a divorce or she goes to counseling. End of story. Don't wait for further proof, tell her tonight. Either marriage counseling or the marriage is over. You are not going to put yourself through this any longer. Other than doing that you'll be chasing her for years to come. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 Jeff, Thunder is beautiful by the way. I love shepards. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 Thanks! He's a total lover like his owner lol Link to post Share on other sites
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