Justifying Spying

[wise_up]

My husband is on Adult Friend Finder. He changed his email password. He has been emailing women he's met there. He has cybered in the past and said it was nothing. Because they were in another country, no chance of meeting, etc.

 

Now I'm going to wait until he has set up a meeting before I confront him. So he can't say it is nothing. This time they are women in our city (Sydney, Australia)

 

When I finally confront him, how do I justify my spying on him? He will say it was wrong to have no trust, etc. Even though if he wasn't on those sites I would not have snooped. Has anyone else had this problem with snooping? Finding it difficult to justify.

[Owl]

You justify it by telling him very point blank..."Last time you said it was no big deal, they weren't in our city. But NOW they ARE...obviously I had good reasons to spy on you!"

 

Nothing to really justify here. Dr Phil..."Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing."

 

It's obvious that he's had plenty to hide. Not to mention his actions in going on Adult FriendFinder are clear actions AGAINST your marriage. DOn't feel bad about it, and don't let him try to make you feel bad. Simply tell him YOU are trying to save your marriage...what's HE doing?

[EnigmaXOXO]

I've never been in this particular situation, but I imagine that if someone's behavior had prompted me to investigate further … and I actually FOUND evidence to support my suspicions … I wouldn't even try to defend myself. I'd proudly admit to being a "snoop" and smugly present them with the fruits of my labor.

 

If anyone has any explaining to do regarding sneaky behavior, it's your husband. And if that sniveling coward has the audacity to try and turn this around on you, the next thing I would present him with was the divorce papers.

 

Why are you so afraid? Are you more fearful of confronting your husband and being labeled a "spy", or could it be that your worried about confronting him with the issue because it means you'll actually have to take the steps necessary to deal with it?

[jmargel]

My husband is on Adult Friend Finder. He changed his email password. He has been emailing women he's met there. He has cybered in the past and said it was nothing. Because they were in another country, no chance of meeting, etc.

 

Now I'm going to wait until he has set up a meeting before I confront him. So he can't say it is nothing. This time they are women in our city (Sydney, Australia)

 

When I finally confront him, how do I justify my spying on him? He will say it was wrong to have no trust, etc. Even though if he wasn't on those sites I would not have snooped. Has anyone else had this problem with snooping? Finding it difficult to justify.

 

Why are you so concerned about the spying part? He is cheating on you even if it's just flirting. Him trying to rationalize his immature behavior has you on the defensive. Cheaters are great at doing that.

 

Give him the ultamatium and leave it at that. He's disrespecting & and making you feel uncomfortable with what he is doing. He refuses to stop. It's only a matter of time before the physical part of the affair happens. The mental stimulation is already there. He got his ego patted from flirting online now he'll get it stroked (among other body parts) soon with the physical aspect of it.

 

Time to take the offensive here.

[JadeStar]

I agree with the others. You spying is really beside the point and the main issue is what your husband is doing. Of course he will probably turn it around on you about the spying saying he doesn't have any trust in you etc, but the fact is he was the first to break the trust by him doing what hes doing. Most people do not spy just to be spying, they usually do it when they feel something is up and can't quite put their finger on what it is. Or that their spouse will not answer any questions that has been thrown their way, when the other spouse knows sometning isn't right and can not get a clear or straight answer from them. Yes some people spy just to be spying because they are usually very insecure people, but this doesn't seem to be your case.

 

 

 

 

 

Jade

[Mz. Pixie]

He's lost the right to privacy considering his actions. Do not let him turn it around on you.

 

In my prior marriage, I had a short fling. Later I ended up divorcing my husband but I didn't leave him for the other guy. Just because I knew I wasn't happy and he'd never change. Long story short, I've remarried- my current husband was cheated on by his exwife. I have been honest with him about my fling. I also have given him my e mail passwords, he is free to check my cell phone records, etc at any time- because I have NOTHING to hide.

[lilmoma1973]

He's lost the right to privacy considering his actions. Do not let him turn it around on you.

 

In my prior marriage, I had a short fling. Later I ended up divorcing my husband but I didn't leave him for the other guy. Just because I knew I wasn't happy and he'd never change. Long story short, I've remarried- my current husband was cheated on by his exwife. I have been honest with him about my fling. I also have given him my e mail passwords, he is free to check my cell phone records, etc at any time- because I have NOTHING to hide.

 

Great post Mz Pixie and couldn't agree more with it..He lost his right once he crossed the line ..Don't let him try to make it all your fault as Pixie said ..You didn't make him go to those sites and hook up with someone in your area,that was his doings!! First of all if he wasn't doing anything wrong he wouldn't have changes his password.. If i feel something is wrong i am going to snoop whether my h likes it or not!! My h knows all my passwords and i don't care cause i have nothing to hide but my h gets mad when i check things .. Why is h on this adult friend finder anyway ,my friend and her h was on this and caused problems the only reason she done it was to make him happy.. she still thinks he was talking to couples while she was in the bed so she deleted the account!! Her h was interested in swinging and she thought if she done this she wouldn't have to swing..I personally think this type of thing can create more problems than it is worth!!

[Adunaphel]

I agree with the other posters, too.

I think your H would have no right to complain about your (absolutely justifiable) snooping.

[witabix]

More agreement here also.

 

If he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't be bothered by snooping too much. If I was snooped on, I would ask why she did that. If I had given her a reason I would address it. If she had no reason and was just being nosey it wouldn't bother at all, how can my SO be nosey about me? I haven't got anything to hide. She couldn't 'find' anything out about me she doesn't already know.

[Redrock]

Note on spying: I had a long term relationship with a very jealous woman, and it stemmed from insecurity from her past. Spying was her best trait, and me being not-guilty, I once played a trick by planting little false clues (horrible, I know, but not the point). She never found them, and she was a good detective!! My point is, if a cheater wanted to try hard enough, they won't get caught. The harder you spy, the trickier he will be.

 

My advice: Documentation, build a case, then give him hell. Or, (if your sick like me) pretend to be someone else and approach him online to test him, then comes the big bust. However, what to do after that may be better left to the experts here...

[Art_Critic]

Being you found what you found the need for justification of snooping is the smallest of issues here..

 

You don't need justification..

 

There is no reason a married man should be on Adult Friend finder.. period..

 

Confront him and if he brings up the fact that you snooped refuse to accept that as a vaild arguement for him being on that website..

[boshemia]

Been there, eight years and at least a dozen affairs later we finally divorced.

 

All I really wanted to say is be careful, I can see where your mind set is already and I know it all too well. You are already taking responsibility for his actions in a way. Jealousy is never good, but it's not jealousy if you have a real reason to doubt...

 

Do not take any responsibility for his actions and don't let him make you feel guilty for yours. There is no good reason for him to be doing this... none, zero, zip, nada... He's wrong and you need to let him be wrong. It doesn't matter how you know, you know and it's up to him to be a man and take responsibility for it.

 

My Ex had me convinced that the only reason he cheated on me was because I was so jealous, now that we are apart I can see his point, but that doesn't excuse what he did either. Yes I spied, yes I snooped, yes I was a woman obsessed... my current husband has never lied to me, not once in four years. We have always been honest with each other and if he did want to join a group like that he would tell me, and he would show me any and all emails...

 

I know I've said this before, but if you have to keep your dog on a leash it's time for a new dog. Sorry but it's true.

[wise_up]

Thank you for all your comments. You are right, he crossed the line. I only found that he had changed his passwords by mistake. That made me suspect.

 

I would have no problem if he snooped on me. I was so naive, I didn't realise for months he was cybering before. Even though I was seeing 'profiles' in the History. I just thought he was browsing (And I thought, 'Well all men look'), so it's not like I have chains on him.

 

Anyway, thank you again, and when I do confront him, I will send him to this thread, and let him read all these comments.

[whichwayisup]

Anyway, thank you again, and when I do confront him, I will send him to this thread, and let him read all these comments.

 

Excellent idea. Maybe he'll understand why you're feeling the way you are and things will change for the better at home.

[Ladyjane14]

This situation is kind of comparable to "Illegal Search and Seizure" laws.

 

If you're driving down the road, not breaking any laws, then....your privacy is your own. It's not lawful for the police to stop you for no reason like that.

 

But say you're speeding down the road, or maybe you've got a busted tail light.... Well then, the police are allowed to stop you.

 

Now, if the police stop you and you've got alcohol on your breath, or empty containers in view, then....you're subject to be searched.

 

If you put up a fuss about being searched, then....you're subject to arrest.

 

Anyway, the entire situation can continue escalating like that, but you see now how the level of investigation is authorized in response to Cause.

 

Your husband has presented you with "cause". Once he's given you cause, your investigation becomes warrented.

 

I think that unless your marriage vows were a whole lot different from the traditional ones most of us take, your husband is WRONG to be frequenting a "dating" site. Why go to the meat market if you're not looking to buy?

 

And how would he feel if it were YOU cybering with some guy you met on-line? Those are 3-dimensional PEOPLE on the other side of the screen you know. He's not cybering with a computer-generated program afterall.

 

I think that if you haven't done it already, you should install a key-logger and gather more evidence. I'm talking enough printed, undeniable, evidence to REALLY impress a divorce lawyer or family court judge if it were to become necessary.

 

THEN, you confront him. Let him hang himself for a wee bit longer while you're recording. You'll make a bigger presentation, and it'll be much harder for him to justify his behavior. Just the prospect of your "evidence" being presented to the public-at-large should be enough to get his attention.

 

It's unfortunate, but you're in a pretty gray area here. He'll have lots of arguments and rationalizations, not only about you invading his privacy but also about the nature of the 'crime'. He hasn't actually put his penis on anyone, so in his mind....it's not really cheating. You'll need to make an impression on him.

[Nicholas]

Unless you're after some stellar divorce settlement, I'd leave him now and save yourself the drah-mah.

[cedric4691]

Thank you for all your comments. You are right, he crossed the line. I only found that he had changed his passwords by mistake. That made me suspect.

 

That is a very salient point. I also started suspecting my W because I accidentally overheard a phone conversation. At that point, in my view, all my spying was justified because I had a right to know whether my fears were justified. The more I discovered, the more justified by spying became.

 

He wants the luxury of lying to you while enjoying the priviledge of honesty from you. That is manifestly unfair, especially since your spying is IN RESPONSE to his deception. Therefore, your spying is his fault, not yours.

[Astarte]

So talking is no option ?

Rather spying ?

[Becoming]

I weigh in with all of the above as well.

 

We have a duty to protect what's good. That's your justification. You are simply doing your job of protecting your marriage. Too bad he isn't.

[silktricks]

What do you want the end result to be? Are you going to be OK with the results no matter what they are? I spent almost a year telling myself not to check up on my husband - even though I was suspicious of his actions. I didn't check up on him, and in time he stopped his deceitful behavior. (he was having an e-mail "friendship" with another woman.) He finally sent the other woman packing, and we've resolved our differences.

 

Would the results have been different if I would have checked up? Without a doubt. I don't believe we would be together today. There's an old saying - two wrongs don't make a right. It's easier to spy on someone you think you own, then to give someone you love the freedom to leave if that's what they choose to do. The second can practically kill you (believe me, I do know) but you end up feeling cleaner inside.

[Presario]

I spent almost a year telling myself not to check up on my husband - even though I was suspicious of his actions. I didn't check up on him, and in time he stopped his deceitful behavior. (he was having an e-mail "friendship" with another woman.)

 

By a "friendship" do you mean a regular friendship or an "intimate friendship," where they talk a lot about intimate matters? Some people here call such an intimate friendship an emotional affair. If it was a regular friendship, then I don't see a reason to spy at all. If it was an emotional affair, then spying is justified. I like it how Ladyjane14 justifies spying in her post. The problem is that we don't know if or when a friendship becomes intimate -- here we must rely on our calm judgement.

 

My wife has regular friendships with other guys. I can't say that I'm happy about them, but I understand her need for such friendships, and I try to accept that. I have never spied on her, even though I can do it easily. I must admit, however, that I thought about it once.

[silktricks]

According to my husband, his intention was that it was purely friendship. The woman's intention was not the same. She was convinced they were meant for each other. She came north to visit her family 2 or 3 times and on those visits met with my husband for coffee and chats.

 

Though neither the e-mails nor the visits were physical or emotional, that didn't mean that the woman involved did not view them as such. She became emotionally attached to my husband. I began receiving anonymous calls at all hours. She drove by the house and watched me. After my husband told her he wanted no further contact, she continued e-mailing until after 6 months he finally had to close his e-mail account. After a year of on and off anonymous hang-up phone calls (the kind where someone stays on the line until you finally hang-up) we gave up and changed our phone number as well.

 

It wasn't a pleasant time. If I had spied on my husband, I would have discovered what was happening before he told me himself, but I would feel dirty about it. Spying just doesn't feel right to me. It's just deceit with another face on it.

[Lil Honey]

According to my husband, his intention was that it was purely friendship . . . She was convinced they were meant for each other. She came north to visit her family 2 or 3 times and on those visits met with my husband for coffee and chats.

 

Though neither the e-mails nor the visits were physical or emotional, that didn't mean that the woman involved did not view them as such. She became emotionally attached to my husband.

 

Makes me wonder what there is about coffee and chatting that made this woman think they were meant for each other . . .

[silktricks]

Obviously there is more to this story than I have told. To begin with, I have it on good outside authority that all origination of interest began with her. She formerly lived not far away from us and worked at a place my husband frequented. She had seen him many times in that location and had been friendly with him, and obviously he with her as well. When she moved to another locale, she asked him to e-mail. He agreed. He was stupid.

 

This, however, is way off the subject of should someone spy. I still believe, NO. Not good. Not good for the relationship, but primarily not good for you the person doing the spying.

[Presario]

When she moved to another locale, she asked him to e-mail. He agreed. He was stupid.

 

I don't think there is something wrong with sending an email. My wife works with one guy, who is crazy about her. Their relationship started when they went out for lunch. Now this guy sometimes writes her that he loves her. She says it bothers her, but cannot tell this guy to get lost because of politics at work.

 

So, Silktricks, our cases are similar. For now I don't feel like spying, but this situation is uncomfortable for me. Thankfully, I belive I can trust her, so I'm not very worried anything may happen between them.