I don’t like being like this

[mandrake80]

I can’t shake this feeling something’s going on.

 

It’s been a little under 8 years. Last time I was in a relationship this long, the same kind of thing happened. Met someone they worked with. Was kind of shady about it and would get mad about my lack of trust. Ended up cheating on me.

 

I probably fed into it, made it happen more quickly. Either way I think it was going to happen - I wouldn’t have said anything if I didn’t feel something was off.

 

Fast forward to today. I found out he’s been texting this girl at work a lot. Like a lot a lot. Every day. There’s also the work IM thing he suddenly started using. Phone data has gone through the roof. I’m no where to be found on his Facebook, btw. I don’t even think she knows he’s with someone.

 

He said she’s like the other people he’s hung out with at work. Which is fine, great, I don’t care if it’s like that. The problem is this feels different. I’ve said I’ve felt a distance. He’s not as verbally affectionate anymore. I feel like I’ve been blindsided by this because before he would tell me “oh there’s this girl at work, you’d like her, she’s funny, etc” but this is the first I’ve heard of her and I practically had to drag it out of him.

 

It’s all being done under the guise of trying to get in this particular group at work. I want to be supportive but this feels weird.

 

I’m also not invited to outings. I don’t really want to go, but I remember being invited before. Other people’s SO’s go.

 

He chose to work today. I had off, asked if he wanted to hang out. 20 bucks says she was there. I wanted to ask but didn’t want to be more annoying than I already am.

 

This doesn’t feel good. I don’t know if it’s because I’m just insecure (I’ll admit, I struggle from time to time) or because of past experience, I don’t know. I’ve already brought this up but I still feel uneasy.

 

I don’t know what to say to him. He gets upset when I say things that don’t sound like I trust him. Like really upset. I get it sucks to not be trusted when you’re really not doing anything, but I don’t know if I do right now.

[Maddie82]

Something doesn't sound right. You've been together for a while and you're not friends on Facebook? You're not allowed to work events when other SO's are? He's texting a female colleague allot EVERY DAY? Do you see the messages they send each other? If not, then I think you're right to be worried because none of that sounds right.

[mandrake80]

Yeah it doesn’t feel great. And I want to trust him but all this looks funny. As for the Facebook thing, I don’t have it so that’s why we’re not friends. I just saw his page once. I don’t get to see the messages, either. I feel like if there was nothing to worry about he wouldn’t get so uppity about it.

[lana-banana]

You've been together nearly 8 years, but aren't engaged or married? I assume it's because neither of you want to be, which is fine, but it provides some context. How old are you both?

 

All of these are bad signs but the worst to me is that this woman at work doesn't even know you exist. Even if you aren't talking about your SO all the time, it should be clear to everyone that they're a fundamental part of your life, especially after so many years. You are right to suspect this guy is checked out and mentally if not physically moving on. His "really upset" reactions are probably out of guilt.

[mark clemson]

I think that, unfortunately, you probably need to do some sleuthing to see if this is really what you think it is. It certainly sounds suspicious. You should speak to an attorney to see what's legal in your state/country by way of monitoring your SO. (And keep in mind there's a difference between illegal and admissible in court. The main purpose here is for you to have certainty as to what's going on.)

 

If I had to put money on it, I'd say your BF is cheating at least emotionally (and that can escalate to physically). If he's texting her every day over non work related matters that is aberrant. But it's important to confirm first rather than jumping to conclusions. It's possible to have a platonic friendship at work. It's also quite possible for that platonic friendship to turn into something else.

[mandrake80]

.

 

Sorry never mind.

Edited July 5, 2019 by mandrake80

[schlumpy]

Of course you want to trust him. I always trust someone until they prove to me I shouldn't have and then there is no coming back from that.

 

You sound isolated.

 

This seems to be your second go around in a long term relationship with the same pattern developing that ended your last relationship and I get the impression that you are acting as if this an out-of-body experience where you are simply an observer.

 

If (and that's a big if) you want to save your relationship then you need to intercede. The most immediate thing you can do is go to the outings with him. Meet the people he hangs with. Make yourself real to them. Seek out this girl he talks about and make sure she knows you exist.

 

Do not let him build a false of picture of you to other people. Let his friends know who you are on your own terms.

 

Don't back down when he gets upset. Don't get upset with him, just don't back down.

 

If you need support please post here. You will get a variety of useful advice, a frank pep talk and some sympathy if you need it. We are here for you.

 

You are supposed to be his significant other. If not then you need to find out now so you can protect yourself.

 

If you find out there is infidelity involved then you will need allies among family and friends as well as a good lawyer.

 

Of course, you could look the other way if you want to stay a couple at any cost. Over the years I have known people who have employed this strategy and as much I hate to admit it, it did work for them in that they are still together as a couple. They don't have much else going for them but they are still together and for them that was enough.

 

Best Wishes