R after 4 years

[heartwhole2]

People don't often stick around to give positive updates, so I would like to share mine.

 

For reference, I posted here as heartwhole a few years ago, but eventually locked myself out of my account (even deleted the email account) so that I wouldn't spend so much time here. So coming back I had to create a new one.

 

My husband had a 6 months EA/PA (only spending two days in person with the OW since she lives overseas) about 4.5 years ago. We had very young children at the time and I am a SAHM who has health problems. However, I would be fine financially in a divorce so that was not a consideration.

 

For my husband's part, he has done IC for the last 4 years. He focuses a lot on developing his empathy and coping skills. He has grown up a whole lot and no longer does sophomoric things like blaming others or seeking escape for his stress. He has healthy outlets.

 

We've worked a lot on communication. I have always been a conflict-attacker, so I would say my piece and move on. I didn't know that he was just stuffing his concerns down so that the festered. Learning how to disagree respectfully took some trial and error and a few tears were shed in the process.

 

For my part, I have worked to assert myself in our marriage so that I don't accept less than I deserve. I have also worked to release the pain of the affair and even had a positive email exchange with the OW last year. In learning how to cope with my illness, I have also learned a lot about calming the nervous system and that has helped heal from the trauma and break the panic cycle that can arise from it.

 

The Golden Rule is a great one, and I do try to live by it. But it's important to remember that sometimes other people want things done unto them differently than we want them done unto us. What's important is to put ourselves in each other's shoes, to give the benefit of the doubt, to engage in healthy and virtuous cycles. My husband blamed his affair on not feeling appreciated, and while that is a nonsense reason for having an affair, four years into recovery I can appreciate him for who he is today. Likewise, I see him making an effort to understand how I need to be supported. Last year my health was particularly bad and he was regularly doing all the work of a single, working parent, and he handled it with grace. Time will tell if your wayward spouse is being nice just to CYA, or if they have actually changed to become more mature, selfless, and empathetic.

 

I know that reconciling isn't for everyone. My husband had to be willing to change and committed to seeing it through. Working on yourselves while trying to keep a marriage alive can be messy and complicated, but also joyous. We get one shot at this thing called life. Bad things will happen to all of us sooner or later, but that's not a reason to stop living and loving life.

[Orokotikki]

Thanks for sharing this, it is heartwarming to hear!

[Mr. Lucky]

Always like to hear the success stories as they're few and far between. I'd say congrats, but that sounds like your R was based on luck and minimizes the hard work involved. So instead, good job and much future success...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mark clemson]

I'll say congrats. Congrats on the R, hope you are happy and continue to be!

[emotionallybroken9]

Thank you. I needed this. How do you feel with trust? Is it there? Sorry, just starting here

[heartwhole2]

Thank you. I needed this. How do you feel with trust? Is it there? Sorry, just starting here

 

Yes, I trust him. It helps that he was never a good liar and tried to get away with lying by omission during the affair. So I know I'm not married to some psychopath who can lie easily to my face.

 

When you've suffered a trauma, things that remind you of the trauma will set off a panic response. You are trying to avoid being hurt again. So if he stays late at the office or suddenly has an unusual outing to attend, your trauma alert with blare. In the early days I think it's appropriate to counteract these with him showing you that he can be trusted by letting you track his location, sending pictures or FaceTiming from where he is, etc.

 

If you are still stuck in a panic loop after a while, then you can learn some exercises for relaxing your nervous system. But for now, that alarm is helping you feel safe in the light of the trauma you recently experienced.

 

Before the affair, my husband was a pretty good person. He has good friends who aren't into cheating or lying. But what he didn't have was a lot of self-awareness or maturity. He was arrogant and thought he was smart enough to keep himself faithful without good boundaries or transparency. Today he is humble and he actively works on being the man he wants to be, instead of assuming that he'll just fall into it. So I have a lot more reason to trust him today than I did pre-DDay. I also know that he would never choose to go through years of me expecting him to move mountains so he could have the honor of not being kicked to the curb.

 

There are no guarantees in life. I don't claim that I could never cheat just because I'm too good of a person. Yes, I'm a good person. But affairs are common pitfalls that people fall into when there's a confluence of faulty coping skills, high stress, disordered thinking, and opportunity. Keeping a marriage healthy and faithful is something we must actively do every day of our lives.

 

If your husband shows potential for being a better man and is willing to be transparent and patient, then I do think trust can return. Partly it takes time . . . seeing over and over that he is where he says he is and that he is avoiding situations that would cause alarm. And partly it takes both sides doing the work on themselves.

 

And lastly, the most important thing is to trust yourself. Some double-checking is fine and useful, but at a certain point you have to let go and trust the universe. If he is cheating again, you will figure it out sooner or later. And you are strong and capable and will handle whatever comes your way just fine. So spending your life checking up on him is a waste. At a certain point you just have to let go because you are protected by the one person you can always trust . . . you.

[emotionallybroken9]

I want to trust her. I can’t use the word “think” anymore because what I thought was a lie for more than 4 years. Now I’m left not trusting her feelings for me. They had so much passion, so much back and forth, so much emasculation

 

I’m left feeling I’m the contingency plan. I don’t know what I expect from her. I don’t know if she CAN do anything. I will give her the benefit of the doubt that she’s not going to meet him, but that doubt IS there. What I don’t trust is that she’s ever going to be completely over him. Had you asked me if I thought she had feelings for him before last summer, I would’ve called you crazy. Guess I’m the crazy one.

 

Hers was only an EA, but the passion and unity between them hurts. I feel so small right now.

 

Thank you for your reply. I hope I can feel safe again. And I hope it’s with her.

[Mr. Lucky]

I hope I can feel safe again.

 

You realize this is up to her to accomplish, to make you feel this way, right?

 

You could work your a** off improving yourself and one unannounced password change on her phone would derail all that progress. You don't need to feel safe, she needs to provide you a safe place to be...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Abetterme]

Heartwhole2 - Thank you for sharing your update. It is clear you both have done a tremendous amount of work to build a partnership beyond what happened. As a WW I appreciate your comments on the OW/OM forum. Lots to learn from hearing what your husband has done to try and rebuild your trust. You’re a strong, compassionate woman. I wish you all the best!

[Beentheretoooften]

Hi heart. So here I am. Amazing story. But after reading your response to me, I could have guessed this is where you are. I’m happy for you and keep up the good work in your life and keep up the good work on this forum.

[darkbloom]

Heartwhole,

 

I just want to say how much I appreciate your words, especially on the OW board. There are very few BS who can give the compassion to those that need it the most after going through what you’ve been through. Please keep posting and keep us updated- I always love a happy ending.

[Beentheretoooften]

Heartwhole2 - Thank you for sharing your update. It is clear you both have done a tremendous amount of work to build a partnership beyond what happened. As a WW I appreciate your comments on the OW/OM forum. Lots to learn from hearing what your husband has done to try and rebuild your trust. You’re a strong, compassionate woman. I wish you all the best!

 

Heart, sorry to use your thread. I had a question for abetterme. I read a few of your threads then finally made it to your story and tried to post there but it was over 60 days old. I’m new here and still figuring out how this works. Your last update on YOU and your started thread was February. I’d LOVE to hear where you are now with everything. Did you tell H? How often you think of xMM ETC. thanks and hope all is going well.

[preraph]

It's a good inspiration to show that if both people want to work on themselves, they can sometimes rebuild.

[merrmeade]

It's a good inspiration to show that if both people want to work on themselves, they can sometimes rebuild.

It’s the most important thing. If the cheater spouse doesn’t do that, it’s hard to get over the resentment and feeling of hopelessness otherwise.

[DKT3]

Preraph, I believe you are correct.

 

While it's never really the BS who caused the cheating, I believe growth is still necessary from the BS.

 

I know in my case I wasnt a great husband and it took me a while to admit this to myself. I never did anything with the intention to hurt her or knowing absolutely it would result in hurting her the end result was the same. There was poor communication between us and resentment built up on both side. Had she been the only one to work it out I would have still been that guy who thought I knew what was best for her above what she felt was best for her.

 

too often we see a WS who believes that the affair was good on some levels, as long as they believe that you can never have a true reconciliation. Too many WS claim to be reconciled or reconciling and think it's ok to view the AP in a positive manner. Also alot believe it's ok to carry secrets about the affair using the it will only hurt them more excuse.

 

On the flipside, I believe that a BS has to understand that the WS will absolutely not remember everything that you may want to know. At one point I want a complete picture from certain conversations that had been years passed, or exactly what she was thinking about during a 15 minute period again years passed. These things are impossible. Many WS actually work hard to forget details.

[Bittersweetie]

Preraph, I agree too. After d-day, my H did IC in order to deal with my actions. He also made the decision to address some stuff within himself at that time. And just like my work on myself benefited both of us, his work on himself benefited both of us too. And while it wasn't immediate, in the aftermath of my affair, we both became stronger people, individually and together. I truly believe that the work we both did, individually and together, has helped us better deal with the minor and major bumps in life since then.

 

Thank you again heartwhole for your insights.

[merrmeade]

Preraph, I agree too. After d-day, my H did IC in order to deal with my actions. He also made the decision to address some stuff within himself at that time. And just like my work on myself benefited both of us, his work on himself benefited both of us too. And while it wasn't immediate, in the aftermath of my affair, we both became stronger people, individually and together. I truly believe that the work we both did, individually and together, has helped us better deal with the minor and major bumps in life since then.

 

Thank you again heartwhole for your insights.

This is ideal - best outcome possible. Thank you so much for sharing. I wish I could have a second birth to use my hard-earned discrimination in relationships.

 

The closest I could come to giving 'value' to the affair outcome would be in SLOWLY learning to recognize over time H's many limitations that I'd missed (couldn't imagine, didn't want to see). One major one was the literal inability to trust/open up to anyone that didn't admire him already (i.e., a therapist vs an adoring woman). I always knew his criticism of psychology, cloaked in high-sounding rhetoric, was BS from lack of experience but hoped he'd want to learn and know what it really is. But after attempting MC and SEEing his suspiciousness and fear of 'public' (3 people in a room) shaming, I realized he had no intention of anyone's ever hearing any of his thoughts. He is a crippled man with no idea of the value and importance of growing together through transparency and trust. He had never been attached to anyone, even his mother, or practiced true intimacy or vulnerability (except as pretense to make someone else show it to him).

 

This explanation came much later, long after realizing this person could not help me heal. MC was the beginning of recovery, however—once I fired both of them and commenced IC.

 

But good for you and others who have found the means to change and develop new insights together as a couple. I'm sure it's no comparison to the relationship you had before, and the pain in part must have made it possible.

[spiritedaway2003]

Thanks for the inspiring update, heartwhole2. It takes a lot of work and trust to rebuild, and I'm really happy to read this update.

[heartwhole2]

It's not easy to rebuild. It's not easy to take one person who has suffered a trauma, and one person who has, however unwittingly, inflicted that trauma because of their own issues, and have them find a balance of peace and love. I think if both partners are committed to being their best selves and are humble and grateful for the good things in their lives, then they have a good chance.

[Buffer]

Hi Heartwhole,

 

I hope you continue with R.

It is good to get updates and then a positive one at that.

You have gone through enough hurt and pain. His actions and betrayal must be like having that annoying whispering in the back of your mind.

 

All the best and please keep communicating.

Edited August 9, 2019 by Buffer