I left my country for her to get betrayed and broken

[AnalogueAnimal]

Its been 6 months since I found out about her cheating. I was in a long distance relationship for nearly 3 years and I met her a few times. I closed the distance by moving to her country 2 years ago. 6 months ago I found out that she started looking for a guy to have sex with. She told him she wants regular sex. She would book hotel rooms, ask the guy to come over for sex (I have evidence of everything). This used to happen several times a month. She even started going out with him for coffee or food when I was busy working hard, saving money to close the distance. She would often accuse me of cheating even though she was doing it herself. She even told him if she would get pregnant, she would abort the baby. She never felt any remorse to confess at all. In the beginning of my relationship, I told her my biggest fear is getting cheated and if she felt the need to cheat, she should break up first. She often told me how men cheat on wives. I b

 

After I confronted her about it, she refused to tell me anything in detail. she told me she was frustrated and just had sex couple of times. I started to fall into depression and lost confidence in myself. I left her twice and she asked me to give her a chance. I spent months trying to rebuild the relationship, It was hard, I never tried to control her, never checked her phone, never asked her where she was. I used to get upset once in a while and when I did, I would breakdown, sometimes cry and ask her why she let me come here and play with my life. Later I found out, she did not cheat a few times but for a whole year. I got upset again and broke down and told her I . She even slept with him before valentines day.

 

This was her response:

"I thought we were doing well too. Apparently we are both wrong.

 

I guess after the incident things have changed and probably will never be the same again.

 

You keep asking me for truth, truth, whole story, full story. I don’t have that. I don’t remember much. I don’t remember the details. I only remember it was a few time thing.

 

You keep asking me questions I tried my best to recall and told you. You just won’t let go. I don’t even remember what happened last Monday how can I remember something happened so far away already. 13 feb 2017.

 

It’s like a endless loop. I’m stressed out, ashamed and feeling humiliated by my past every time you bring up this and that old **** you dig out from that phone.

 

I feel loved and I love you back. I wish I could tell you everything But there is nothing in my head that I can share. I simply don’t remember.

 

It also hurts me so badly that you doubt my feelings towards you. You keep thinking that I don’t love you I don’t love you. It just hurts my feelings. I feel **** every time you say it.

 

It’s been so amazing to see how far we have been through. I appreciate every minute we spend together and I’m happy about the small progress we made together. You spoiled me. It feels amazing to be spoiled by your loved one than your parents. The nice and sweet things you did for me I will never forget. Thank you for flying to a foreign land for me. Thank you for enduring my bad temper. Thank you for everything. I’m sorry I broke your trust and your feeling. I regret the stupid decisions I made. But I can’t undo the past and the past is bothering you and us. We tried to start fresh but we failed and the past is still haunting us.

 

It’s the best for you that we be part from here. You will find the wife you spend seven lives with. She will not break your trust like I did."

 

I don't understand how someone can walk away from a 5 year relationship without any remorse, without checking up on how I am. I feel so lonely in this country, I can't seem to make any connections with anyone anymore. I have intense anxiety and resorted to drinking. I want to tell her friends, I want everyone to know she just puts an innocent mask on. People think I'm the bad guy. Nobody else knows the truth but me, I kept it in me and its eating me alive. I don't want others to get hurt.

[elaine567]

LDRs are difficult.

Sounds like she entered into a FWB arrangement to have a warm body to hold whilst you were apart.

 

You understandably got very upset, but cheating is a huge thing and not something anyone gets over easily. People with long marriages and kids can take years of IC and MC to get over cheating and rebuild their relationships.

Here, it is for the best that this is over and you can both move on with your lives.

 

I suggest next time do not get involved in an LDR, they very rarely work out well.

[d0nnivain]

She's a cheater. You can't change that. Move back home & rebuild your life there. You do not owe her anything, including preserving her reputation.

 

If people ask why you broke up, just say she was unfaithful & leave it at that. They don't need the sordid details but you shouldn't protect her. You need not sacrifice your mental well being by keeping her secret. That is why you are being eaten alive because you are trying to protect a cheater with lies that only hurt you. Stop

[pepperbird]

Her actions are all about her and what she wanted and felt entitled to. They are not a reflection on you. She's just not someone who can be happy with one guy for an extended period of time.

 

I know it really hurts right now, but that will fade in time. Is there any way that you can move back ( or at least go home for a visit) to your home country? It can be really helpful to surround yourself with people you know, care for and trust. If you want to open up about what happened, they will be there for you.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Its been 6 months since I found out about her cheating. I was in a long distance relationship for nearly 3 years and I met her a few times.

 

None of this is surprising. I wouldn't expect her to stay away from male companionship for 3+ years. LDR like yours may work out in the long run 1% of the time.

 

This is where the online world collides with the real world. LDR relationships are unsustainable.

[mark clemson]

her response:

 

You keep asking me for truth, truth, whole story, full story. I don’t have that. I don’t remember much. I don’t remember the details. I only remember it was a few time thing... I don’t even remember what happened last Monday how can I remember something happened so far away already. 13 feb 2017.

 

 

Yeah, that's baloney IMO. Very unfortunate you had to go through this - I suspect she remembers most of the details but didin't want to face you while provided details.

 

I have intense anxiety and resorted to drinking. I want to tell her friends, I want everyone to know she just puts an innocent mask on. People think I'm the bad guy. Nobody else knows the truth but me, I kept it in me and its eating me alive. I don't want others to get hurt.

 

Very strongly suggest you STOP drinking - you need to let her and this whole thing go so you can pull your life together and move on to something better.

 

If they have accessible counseling in your country that might help.

 

There's really no point in unmasking her or anything like that. Do what's best for YOU, which is to move on.

[Crazelnut]

My 2 cents: First, stop the drinking. That's just making it worse. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but you can't let it ruin your own life.

 

Move back to your home country, get a job, and grieve the loss of what you thought was your relationship.

 

Don't hold back on telling your and her friends and family why you broke up. No need to give them the gory details, but you can just say that she was unfaithful for the last year and leave it at that.

 

And next time -- no more LDRs, especially not protracted ones. They're just too hard for most people.

[michzz]

Get checked for STDs since you have no idea what she may have exposed you to.

 

Move on with your life, wiser and more cautious in romance.

 

You don't have to move back "home", but definitely move on.

 

BTW, stick to in-person relationships with someone not just placing you into the rotation.

[Mr. Lucky]

I was in a long distance relationship for nearly 3 years and I met her a few times. I closed the distance by moving to her country 2 years ago. 6 months ago I found out that she started looking for a guy to have sex with. She told him she wants regular sex. She would book hotel rooms, ask the guy to come over for sex (I have evidence of everything). This used to happen several times a month. She even started going out with him for coffee or food when I was busy working hard, saving money to close the distance. She would often accuse me of cheating even though she was doing it herself. She even told him if she would get pregnant, she would abort the baby. She never felt any remorse to confess at all. In the beginning of my relationship, I told her my biggest fear is getting cheated and if she felt the need to cheat, she should break up first. She often told me how men cheat on wives.

 

OP, anyone moving countries to be with someone they’ve only met a few times might as well be drawing names out of a hat. There’s no substitute for time together and no shortcuts to compatibility and trustworthiness.

 

Next time, use the head as well as the heart...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aliveagain]

You need to get rid of everything that reminds you of her, photographs, love letters, sheets, bedding, towels, plates, everything. Get a full medical STD test, make sure you ask them to test for herpes as they don't always do that one. She had sex with multiple men and when your a revolving door even condoms can't protect you. I'm in the medical world and I can honestly tell you that condoms won't protect you from some of the really bad sh*t that's out there.

 

Go to your favorite place of worship, light some candles/incense and thank your God that you dogged this bullet. Stop reminiscing about the good times you had with someone who scammed you into believing they were someone they were not. You were in love with an illusion, that person doesn't exist. The one that is a serial cheater is the real woman you were with. Celebrate, your free to have the life you want, not the life that that someone tricked you into believing was real. Don't waste your future by being stuck in your past. Cut the anchor that had you stuck at the dock, let your ship sail. None of what you lost was real.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't understand how someone can walk away from a 5 year relationship without any remorse, without checking up on how I am. I feel so lonely in this country, I can't seem to make any connections with anyone anymore. I have intense anxiety and resorted to drinking. I want to tell her friends, I want everyone to know she just puts an innocent mask on. People think I'm the bad guy. Nobody else knows the truth but me, I kept it in me and its eating me alive. I don't want others to get hurt.

 

Keep in mind this is the very same someone who cheated on you multiple times. Your feelings are just not that important to her. She also takes no responsibility for her terrible behaviour, and checking up on you would be a reminder of what she's done. Ego-driven cheaters like her cannot handle that. It's a sad reality, but this is who she actually is.

 

A question, though - why does everyone think you are the bad guy? If nobody knows the truth, what break-up story are they being fed that paints you in such a negative light, and is she the one fueling that narrative? How would others get hurt if they knew the truth? I feel there are some pieces missing here.

[AnalogueAnimal]

Keep in mind this is the very same someone who cheated on you multiple times. Your feelings are just not that important to her. She also takes no responsibility for her terrible behaviour, and checking up on you would be a reminder of what she's done. Ego-driven cheaters like her cannot handle that. It's a sad reality, but this is who she actually is.

 

A question, though - why does everyone think you are the bad guy? If nobody knows the truth, what break-up story are they being fed that paints you in such a negative light, and is she the one fueling that narrative? How would others get hurt if they knew the truth? I feel there are some pieces missing here.

 

 

 

 

Because when her friends asked her why we broke up, she has no answer. They automatically assumed it was because of me. She is a different person in front of her friends - sweet, quiet and soft. The complete opposite with me. However, her parents think she did something wrong. I finally had a talk with her and she kept telling me how much I hurt her, I never tried to control her, never checked her phone but I still tired to pursue for closure and apparently, that hurt her so much. She acted like she was the victim, that I'm stressing her out and even told me I'm poison. I couldn't believe it, I told her I've decided to leave the country permanently and she broke down and cried upon hearing that. She told me she doesn't want me to leave the country and doesn't want a relationship either. She maybe wants a relationship in the future but not now.

[mark clemson]

IMO, after what happened, I certainly wouldn't allow her to keep HER options open by tinkering further with YOUR life. Suggest you decide what's best for YOU and do it. (And getting far away from her almost certainly IS what's best.)

 

Moving on completely from her will make space in your life for something healthier.

[Mr. Lucky]

She told me she doesn't want me to leave the country and doesn't want a relationship either. She maybe wants a relationship in the future but not now.

 

I'm trying to understand, why on earth would you care what she wants?

 

Mr. Lucky