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Cutting it off and trying to move on


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 5th March 2019, 6:21 PM   #1
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Cutting it off and trying to move on

I have always been on the other side of this. But I was feeling really neglected in my marriage and made several attempts to fix it. Then a mm came around told me nice things and made me fall into the trap I prided myself for avoiding. It lasted about 3 months. This wasnt his first round. He has a history of cheating before. However so does his wife. I was the one that cut it off.but he was the one that blocked me which is probably ly good bc I'm pretty sure I would have contacted him at this point. However, we have each others numbers and I have not tried to text him. I just want it over. It's been about a week. I was fine, then I'm not, and it's back and forth. I'm trying so hard to stick to my guns on this. I been married almost 8 years and no he dont know and no I'm not telling him. He would lose it. How long is this gonna last? What can I do to keep me away from this?
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Old 5th March 2019, 6:26 PM   #2
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I think it's important to note that its not him I'm not over. I could.care less about him. It's the regret and the horrible person feeling I'm having.
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Old 5th March 2019, 9:42 PM   #3
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Itís a little late for you to see what you are now.

There are a ton of self help books for cheaters and HOW TO FIX YOUR MARRIAGE. You will note that none of the books say cheat on your spouse and everything will get better. No one deserves a cheater, get a divorce and get individual counseling to see if the can teach you to be a decent friend person.
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Old 6th March 2019, 12:53 AM   #4
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But I was feeling really neglected in my marriage and made several attempts to fix it.
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Originally Posted by Hotmess12 View Post
How long is this gonna last? What can I do to keep me away from this?
You seem to have only two states of being - neglected or unfaithful.

The simplest answer would be pursuing a life with better options than those two unhealthy conditions...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 6th March 2019, 11:24 AM   #5
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If the roles were reversed, would you not want your husband to be honest with you yet you feel comfortable never telling him. What is wrong with this picture?
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Old 6th March 2019, 12:26 PM   #6
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If you really want to stop this then its simple tell your husband what you did. Show him everything you have that supported your betrayal. If you really want to change and be a better person you will need to start by being honest with your husband and yourself. If he decides to stay with you then you will have his support in building a better relationship. If he doesn't want to stay then you can focus just working on you.

Either way this will help you put an end to this and the focus on the real issues you have.

C
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Old 6th March 2019, 5:36 PM   #7
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nope

You wrote "Then a mm came around told me nice things and made me fall into the trap I prided myself for avoiding. It lasted about 3 months."

The MM didn't "make you" do anything. Was it at gunpoint? You chose to do it. Own it. Accept that and change (or whatever else you want). You are human. You made a big mistake - but it was definitely on purpose. You didn't trip and fall of the curb. Your husband didn't "make you" cheat either. Your marriage was bad and you chose to cheat. Work on becoming a stronger willed person and/or fix your marriage.

If you marriage is so bad then be honest about it and divorce.
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Old 6th March 2019, 6:14 PM   #8
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You may wish to speak to an attorney before confessing to your husband (if you choose to do that). In some states infidelity can have a big impact on divorce outcomes, for example if your husband decides to divorce you due to the cheating. In some states apparently they can also sue the AP.

Many family attorneys give 1/2 hour free consultations, so you might want to check the laws in your state.
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Old 7th March 2019, 11:32 AM   #9
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You may wish to speak to an attorney before confessing to your husband (if you choose to do that). In some states infidelity can have a big impact on divorce outcomes, for example if your husband decides to divorce you due to the cheating. In some states apparently they can also sue the AP.

Many family attorneys give 1/2 hour free consultations, so you might want to check the laws in your state.
To be clear, (U.S.A.) proven or admitted infidelity can be GROUNDS for a divorce but, it does not necessarily change anything about the settlement unless there was also an egregious dissipation of assets or child endangerment directly related to the affair.

On it's face - courts don't care who people hook up with. "Justice" in divorce is defined by equity not morality.

OP,
Whether or not you confess to your spouse is of secondary concern to whether or not you are and can continue to be a true and committed partner in this marriage. Whether you WANT this marriage or not - start with individual counseling for yourself so that you can make clear and reasonable decisions about how to reconcile or whether what you are truly dancing around with this affair is a desire to end your marriage. You need help to figure that out.

Don't immediately confess as people have suggested. If your spouse is truly in the dark and as fragile as you claim, then confessing while you yourself have no meaningful intention, direction, or personal insight is to perpetrate an equally viscous cruelty on your spouse. Don't delay - but don't simply toss a grenade into the marriage without a clear understanding of why you went to war.

Those still angry and bitter will insist on immediate confession but, here's the dilemma: why you cheated requires you to take a good hard look at your marriage and yourself as they currently exist. You can't do that once you toss that grenade because both will immediately become something very different.

Last edited by Turning point; 7th March 2019 at 11:50 AM..
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Old 7th March 2019, 2:35 PM   #10
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I'm no lawyer, but I thought the laws varied by state on this and some states give judges a lot more leeway to "punish" cheaters if they decide to. Apologies if I got this wrong.
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Old 7th March 2019, 3:31 PM   #11
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I think it's important to note that its not him I'm not over. I could.care less about him. It's the regret and the horrible person feeling I'm having.
Well, to be honest you have every reason to feel horrible. If you feel neglected and try to fix it (which you never said what you did to try and fix it) screwing other men is the wrong avenue and you are now living a lie. Maybe your H is working his tail off supporting his family and maybe he got sidetracked a little. Anyways, your conscience will drive you nuts and maybe you should have done the right thing and divorce or threaten to before sleeping with another woman's man.
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Old 7th March 2019, 3:34 PM   #12
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You wrote "Then a mm came around told me nice things and made me fall into the trap I prided myself for avoiding. It lasted about 3 months."

The MM didn't "make you" do anything. Was it at gunpoint? You chose to do it. Own it. Accept that and change (or whatever else you want). You are human. You made a big mistake - but it was definitely on purpose. You didn't trip and fall of the curb. Your husband didn't "make you" cheat either. Your marriage was bad and you chose to cheat. Work on becoming a stronger willed person and/or fix your marriage.

If you marriage is so bad then be honest about it and divorce.
For the love of God STOP CALLING THIS CHOICE A MISTAKE. A mistake is adding wrong or misspelling a word. It was a choice to screw a married man.
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Old 8th March 2019, 1:41 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by mark clemson View Post
I'm no lawyer, but I thought the laws varied by state on this and some states give judges a lot more leeway to "punish" cheaters if they decide to. Apologies if I got this wrong.
Infidelity is still grounds for divorce in every state, but there is no provision to punish someone purely on the basis of extramarital sex between consenting adults.

What can be done is an adjustment to the asset division based on money wasted to get and maintain that sex, especially when it's illegal - such as prostitutes. A sugar daddy for example, could also be treated much like a compulsive gambler with respect to dissipated assets.

Risky or predatory behavior (like screwing the nanny) could also impact child custody.
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Old 8th March 2019, 5:06 PM   #14
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I live in a state where divorcing on the grounds of adultery eliminates the waiting period.
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Old 9th March 2019, 11:21 AM   #15
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I live in a state where divorcing on the grounds of adultery eliminates the waiting period.
That makes a lot of sense, and also accommodates certain religious doctrine on the matter as well.
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