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What does it mean when he says he doesn’t know what he wants

Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 6th March 2019, 8:04 AM   #16
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OP does your WH work with the OW?

Do you know what exposing an affair is?

You need to tell the WH parents, siblings, and your kids, the OWH or her BF,
her parents.

File for divorce and tell your WH that you will not share him with the OW.

This will shock your WH into facing his reality. Then make him dump or get off
the pot.
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Old 6th March 2019, 9:17 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by oldtruck View Post
You need to tell the WH parents, siblings, and your kids.
Bad idea.
The OP wants to stay in her marriage, who's going to pick up all those pieces?
She will blow up the whole kit and caboodle if she tells. Family events will never be the same again
Why make his elderly parents, his siblings and the kids all suffer?
He probably won't care a damn...

Also if he gets the sack then who will pay for the kids.
Keep powder dry.
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Old 6th March 2019, 11:34 AM   #18
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I don't think it's always a good idea to tell others but I get the mindset behind doing so. Affair partners are often addicted and trapped by the fantasy of the affair. Affairs are often about extreme and obsessive romeo and juliette type feelings. The secrecy fuels the fantasy. Once it all comes out to the light of day then sometimes the cheater sees how absurd the whole thing is. Also I don't think the betrayed spouse has any obligation to help the cheater carry on their affair by agreeing to stay silent. Why assume the husband's parents are elderly. My oldest son has been married for 15 yrs. I'm 52 so not elderly.

OP your husband wants to be a cake eater. He's staying married while still enjoying his OW. He has no remorse and he's using you as his backup plan, meanwhile you are humiliating yourself by doing a desperate "please, please, pick me" dance. You need to decide that you are worth more and deserve more and file for divorce. That may or may not wake your husband up to what he is losing but you are better off either way. Right now you are demeaning yourself in your husband's eyes. Some men love it when women fight over them, they love it when they can kick (metaphorically) a woman in the gut and she stills stays like a loyal dog. They love it, but they don't have any respect for the woman who allow it.
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Old 6th March 2019, 12:16 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by ElizabethPrice View Post
OK you have given me some good responses. The relationship with her has not been going on long. There are circumstances that I understand why and I have told him that we knew there were some problems but we have not even tried counseling yet. I can get past his infidelity and I still want to make it work he tells me he’s afraid that we will end up back in the same place. What can i do or say that wil convince him I want to make it work. I have given him all the suggestions and things i am willing to do to make it work. Trying to show him that i am committed this time to try harder. (See where part of our problem is) I know that I am at fault and he is too. I just need him to try to work it out. I believe he still loves me. He didn’t leave me. He just found something he was missing. Doesn’t mean we can’t work it out. Any more thoughts??
You are doing everything wrong.

You catch the guy cheating and he's so arrogant, he flat out tells you that he needs more time to test drive his OW before he decides whether you're worthy enough of winning him back or not, prize that he is.

You turn around and start doing the "Pick Me" dance, desperately trying to convince him that you're the better 'deal' than his OW, and that he should 'pick' you. Then you accept the blame for his cheating by claiming your bad marriage 'drove' him to it and then you promise that you'll jump around like a trained seal in order to make it SO much better for him and make it worth his while if he'll just come back to you. Ugh.

What exactly did HE promise to do to make the marriage better for YOU should he come back? Or does he think his presence is good enough?

I'm just curious - you were in the SAME bad marriage as your cheating husband, weren't you? So I'll assume you were just as unhappy as he was. Did YOU choose to cheat on him due to your unhappy marriage? I'm betting not. So why is it acceptable and forgivable for you that HE did, and you're making excuses for what drove him to do it?

You're being needy and desperate and weak right now, willing to swallow just about any crap he throws at you and wiling to make any excuses you can for him in order to 'win' this prize of yours back. You need to seriously stop doing that or I promise you'll live to regret it when you finally catch your breath. There's nothing more cringe-worthy than looking back at this time in your life and regretting how much you were willing to humiliate yourself for someone who couldn't even show you the respect you deserve.
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Old 8th March 2019, 7:42 PM   #20
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Mrs. December is spot on..... do not wait for him to decide YOUR future.
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Old 9th March 2019, 11:15 AM   #21
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Form wayward spouse: "I don't know what I want."

"It's better for me if you remain an uninformed sap, frozen by inaction so, I can finish screwing you over without much personal risk."

There are a few occasions where cheating spouses will actually tell you this (albeit not in those plain words) however, in our distress we often miss or dismiss the comments because it sounds to extreme and unreal to us.

Listen carefully - because it's all very real.

Last edited by Turning point; 9th March 2019 at 11:19 AM..
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Old 14th March 2019, 4:23 PM   #22
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I got the "I don't know what I want" from my WW.

Guess what, she was engaged in a full blown affair.

She was test driving some other dude totally and completely inferior to me. But that's not the point.

The other woman could be and probably is completely inferior to you, but he's infatuated with her because she is different than you and that's the point.

I will tell you from personal, painful, and regrettable experience. Do not, I REPEAT, DO NOT, play the pick me dance or act desperate. Take back the power. Start imposing consequences and make him feel like he is losing you as a branch to swing back to.

Go NC or do the 180, and file for divorce. Either way will present a quicker and less painful outcome of this and you will have your dignity intact.

I'm not just saying this because I've read it all over LS, I've lived it. It will take the most strength you've ever had, but ai promise you wont regret standing up for yourself.

Remember to keep performing at work, make sure you eat all three meals with a balanced diet, hydrate, work out, and try to sleep well. Prayer and chamomile tea work great. I will pray for you.
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