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Another 'is she cheating' post.


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 22nd February 2019, 6:12 PM   #1
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Another 'is she cheating' post.

Hi all, 44 very happily married (since 08), one son 8 and just want someone to talk to about my situation.

Me, I will first admit I often had (and still do) thoughts about cheating as far back as 19 Y/O. I did have one opportunity to cheat on a girdled that was 3 cheats in on me already. I don't know why but I chickened out. I'm not a perfect saint but I have not cheated and although it remains a fantasy, I doubt I ever will. I do not mind questions, I actually like them. I'm here for assistance so I have no reason to lie.

My wife. 43, seems not to be very sexual but offers is enough to keep me satisfied. She has no problem reaching orgasm and does not tend to be very inventive or experimental. I suggest, but normally it has been a no. If it were up to her without my influence, it would be a biweekly thing. With me and how I am, it's a 1 to 2 day thing. From what I know before me, she got a visit yearly from an old high school BF that kept her satisfied. She tends to keep to to her self and likes to work. What really goes on at work I do not know (ER nurse). Prior to me she was a plane dresser, never a dress or skirt and from what I know she was not very outgoing. Although she does get flirty once she opens up. I have some reason to suspect she has a thing for holder guy (30+) but that's just a hunch. In the past 15 years she has gone from a casual homely look to a very attractive Risqué look. My fault yes and she normally does not dress to crazy without me around. Maybe I brought this out of her but I like what I like. I suggest things and if she goes for it, its done. She is quite attractive and I could see people advancing her. She has never flirted with any of my friends.

Why do I suspect her? I think it’s just more of a fear, but I have a few things that bother me.

1) I have seen a message form a co-worker asking her if she is wearing pigtails in to work today. He is 55, I'm thinking WTF does that matter? When confronted she just giggled. I told her that it kind was bothersome and all I get was well he does not work there anymore.

2) I opened her up to make-up (never in her life has she before), she started wearing it more and more, now she wants to wares it in to work. OK, no big deal, right? I ask her why, she gave me excuses from from covering up bags in her eyes, to saying everyone else does it. I stopped asking.

3) I turned her on to perfume. She started wearing it to work, I asked why, and she said because her bra sometimes stinks. I bought her a stink be gone product, she stopped wearing perfume.

4) Strange cologne smells on the bed. IDK, just unexplained.

4a) I surprised her at work one day and found out she was in pigtails. Ok, the pigtail this was weird because I see that is a direct flirt. She knows I don;t like her wearing pigtails to work. Even management told her that is not permitted. So behind my back and works back she does this on a weekend shift. This occurred near the same time as 4)

5) Sometimes during sex her vaginal area gets a cut. She calls it a tear and says it's when it got pushed on the wrong way. Happens seldom and makes a very distinguishing cut. She came home with one one day...I know it was not me. She had no explanation, just said it happened. On one other occasion this occurred abs she said it was rubbing underwear. IDK, I guess I just let it pass.

6) Pointless lying for no reason. On a few occasions I found her just lying about nothing, some about the above mentioned, others for things unrelated.

7) Defensiveness about me asking why she does things.

What I have done. I'm a computer guy so I knew a thing or two. She cannot use her phone or her computer to cheat, there is no way. If that phone goes anywhere, I will know. She is not secretive about her logins and anything like that. I even turned on the sent box without her known and its clean. I even have ways to see what going on at home without her knowing it. If she is doing anything, it's at work. Or she does it on her days off and I just never caught her. I do not do this constantly, only when things do not add up.

Talking. She tends not to like to talk about much and it's hard to get anything out of her. I'm very expressive and love to talk. She swears up and down she would never do this to me. when I asked if there is anything more, I can do, it’s a no.

Why bother? I guess it is just one of those things. I see signs often enough to stay on top of it. At times months go by when I could care less but sometimes a sign comes around and I start checking. I like my family and I don't want it to be true and I don't want to lose her by trying to figure it out. I'm also scared of not doing anything and finding out later in life. I guess cheating is that catch 22 type of deal. If you never know, it will never hurt you. Also I will never know she is not cheating. Because you can not prove the absence of something. So by looking you only have hurt to find but you hating not knowing.

What am I looking for from this forum? I have been on a few dating forms dating back 15 years ago and I found it rather nice to talk to outsiders. I feel going at this alone is bad and may well find comfort or an answer here. Sometimes a person needs to be told, dude its all good or Yeah, your need to check in to this. Outside perspective is key as we all do dumb stuff when in love. Sometimes its just nice to talk. Sure I mentioned it to friends but friends normally have little to add.

Rumors. So I here the trend is shifting and cheating women is more common now and more for pleasure then what we either thought, or was. Either way, I can see her living on a second life as we do so much together and hardly are apart. I think that is what keeps these idea out of my head. Its just when I notice something as mentioned. The only way I see this possible is at work, the one place I have almost no controller over in the way of investigating.

For all I know she could just have become a huge flirt but that is not exactly good either. Especially if you do not own up to it. Or she may be in a female affair, but again she is not that type of person (That I have found out about). Anyways thx for reading this far, hope to read all kinds of crazy comments.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 23rd February 2019 at 5:08 PM.. Reason: Fix spacing and move to infidelity forum
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Old 22nd February 2019, 6:25 PM   #2
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From what you've posted nothing sticks out like a glaring redflag.

Have you checked the phone bill online. Data usage, specific numbers?
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Old 22nd February 2019, 7:30 PM   #3
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The lan line has a redial and I have checked it many times. Her phone logs calls that she is unaware of. Never seen any unknown numbers. If arrangements are made they are done at work.
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Old 22nd February 2019, 7:39 PM   #4
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Vaginal tears can happen.

People who work in hospitals are really busy, too busy to be having affairs and there's cameras everywhere, no privacy.

Are you hoping to find some reason to justify yourself cheating? I don't see why you're trying to hard to think this.

The perfume smell -- all personal products have fragrance. My dog loves my shampoo smell and rubs on me after I shampoo. Deoderant has fragrance unless you get the kind that doesn't. Hand lotion is likely what she has to use a lot at work, and that has fragrance.

Pigtails --- I can't fathom why you think this is flirtatious. They're UGLY on adults. They are not sexy. They are to keep your hair out of your face, period. Please relax.
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Old 22nd February 2019, 10:40 PM   #5
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My brother is a physician and from the stories he tells me, hospitals are basically soap operas with all the affairs going on.

I'm concerned more about the defensiveness from asking questions that a innocent person would reassure you about, especially when they recognize it's odd or weird which she has to with the pigtails.
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Old 23rd February 2019, 9:12 AM   #6
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Hide a VAR in your wife's car.

Pigtails is a red flag.

I would tell a woman that I like her in pigtails unless she and
I were both single. For a man to do that to your wife is him
looking for an in to start a relationship with her. He is flirting.

A woman wearing her that way after the remark is her flirting
back with that other man. Sending: I am receptive to your
flirting.

Worse is when a woman wears pigtails to work after her husband
found out about that other mans remarks and he tells his wife that
it makes her husband feel uncomfortable so do not wear your
hair that way, the wife goes to work wearing her hair in pigtails.
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Old 23rd February 2019, 4:40 PM   #7
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Strange cologne smells on the bed? hairspray, shampoo, other hair products, body/hand lotions, etc leave smells on clothing/bedding.
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Old 23rd February 2019, 6:46 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ulao View Post
For all I know she could just have become a huge flirt but that is not exactly good either.
I don't even see her as a huge flirt, and your other suspicions seen unfounded.

There are certain professions - medical, first responders, restaurants, etc. - where the employees develop a bond based on shared experiences, and I'd guess that's what you're seeing. While I'd certainly be vigilant, over-thinking these things brings its own danger to a relationship...

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Old 24th February 2019, 6:39 AM   #9
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I am not sure about this either. Because I also know someone who changed a lot after she reached her 40's.
She was always chubby but started dieting, going to gym and lose weight - enough that she's thinner than her daughter and her waistline is much smaller than most younger girls.
Very conscious of her look. Took extra care of her face and her appearance. Change her style (which she had for decades). Started to wear sexier clothes (she sometimes wear sexier clothes than her daughter). Often out partying with her friends. Even went on to do sexy dances for her friends wedding. And yes, she was never liked that before.



Not sure if she cheated though. Sometimes I couldn't help but think she might have...especially because there were guys hitting on her from time to time and she never showed avoidance but enjoyed flattery. But hey who knows!


We change as we age. I never care about my skin back when I was in my 20's but now I feel like buying all the skin care products that I can just to make sure that my skin is still younger looking. Although I do not think I can really wear sexier clothes even if I wanted to. I just don't feel comfortable.


Although pigtails is indeed weird... or odd -especially for her age. Most girls stop doing their like that once they feel like old enough... unless of course they are doing "role playing" in bed.

Last edited by lolita888; 24th February 2019 at 6:45 AM..
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Old 24th February 2019, 9:52 AM   #10
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I'm surprised your wife is allowed to wear perfume in an ER. Here, most health care facilities ask you to only use non-scented products to prevent reactions in patients and other staff. If she was wearing perfume, it may just have been around the house or the smell is form something else.


If you don;t mind a piece of advice, I would stop being so controlling. There is something, well, arrogant about your view of her. You paint her as this homely, mousey little creature until you came along.
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Old 24th February 2019, 11:49 AM   #11
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Focus on the mariage you want not the nightmare you want to prevent

I'm going to suggest that you are at a time and place of opportunity that very few people who arrive to post here are fortunate to have. You have a real opportunity here for a better marriage if you can find a way to resolve the disparity that exists with your side of the equation.

It's not clear if your wife is enjoying improved self-esteem, flirting, or actually cheating in some way. I also don't think it matters in comparison to your high sex drive and erotic expectations. You are both at an age and stage of life where infidelity is a high risk if you fail to stay centered on what you truly want your life to be like. I think you are even at a stage where you could still recover from infidelity.

To some extent - you have trained your wife to be more sexually appealing and like Dr. Frankenstein you're trying to control the free will of what you now believe is a monster. This was largely an act of vanity on your part and you should be grateful your wife wasn't completely put off by the subtly implied rejections.

Now you're going all ghost-busters looking for skeletons. I suggest you stop the controlling detective work because when she finds out you've gone all KGB on her it's going to seriously damage your relationship. If she has or is in fact cheating there is very little you can do about, and the infidelity would soon become to obvious to miss anyway. You can't build a fence tall enough to keep her contained - and you'll destroy what might be a great marriage if you try.

Focus on building the real and present marriage you want instead of the possible nightmares that you think are lurking around some future corner.

Last edited by Turning point; 24th February 2019 at 11:54 AM..
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Old 24th February 2019, 11:59 AM   #12
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I cannot tell you if you wife is cheating or not, but the way you describe your communication and emotional closeness should be a warning for you.
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Old 24th February 2019, 12:31 PM   #13
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The pigtails thing is just odd. Have you tried to ask her, a grown woman, why she's wearing pigtails to a professional job? Do you mean TWO pigtails - one one each side of her head? Does she wear this hairstyle anywhere else besides work?

The cologne smell on the sheets is a bit odd, but you don't sound like the kind of person who would be unaware of your wife banging someone in your own house. Does she take naps in her scrubs when she gets home?
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Old 24th February 2019, 12:44 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oldtruck View Post
Hide a VAR in your wife's car.

Pigtails is a red flag.

I would NEVER tell a woman that I like her in pigtails unless she and
I were both single. For a man to do that to your wife is him
looking for an in to start a relationship with her. He is flirting.

A woman wearing her HAIR that way after the remark is her flirting
back with that other man. Sending: I am receptive to your
flirting.

Worse is when a woman wears pigtails to work after her husband
found out about that other mans remarks and he tells his wife that
it makes her husband feel uncomfortable so do not wear your
hair that way, the wife goes to work wearing her hair in pigtails.
I left out two very important words and I could not edit it.

NEVER and HAIR
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Old 25th February 2019, 12:43 AM   #15
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Have you given any thought to HOW LONG and HOW INVESTED you will be in spying on her? Will this simply continue indefinitely until something turns up? How good a relationship partner will you be if your attention is heavily invested in sleuthing? If she hasn't considered cheating, would your insecurity and police work perhaps begin to suggest that option to her? Have you decided what your new life will look like if you catch her cheating? Are you prepared for how that will affect you?

I'm suggesting that you take a step back and just stay TUNED IN to her and to your relationship. If she's cheating you'll figure it out without having to do any of this mission impossible stuff. You'll also feel far more empowered with respect to how you'll deal with it for having kept such a cool head. Catching her doesn't mean your nightmare ends - it is just the beginning so, it's very importnat not to let your suspicion turn into the very thing that drives her to cheat.

Last edited by Turning point; 25th February 2019 at 12:46 AM..
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