question about older kids and affair fallout

[pepperbird]

My husband and I have found ourselves in an uncomfortable situation, and aren't sure the best way of handling it. I'm hoping someone out there may have some helpful advice.

 

 

 

 

My spouse had a very short affair many years ago when our kids were small. They found out about it ( very small town, lots of overheard gossip) and had asked me at the time about it. At first, I lied to them ( and I hate that I did that...not much of a lesson in honesty), but they knew the truth-as the saying goes, little pitchers have big ears. The asked some more questions, and he and I sat them down and did our best to explain what had happened in an age/ developmentally appropriate way, something along the lines of daddy had made some bad choices and hurt mommy, but he was really sorry and would never do it again. We also explained to them that good people can sometimes make really bad decisions, but they can learn from them and do better.

 

I was never really sure if we did the right thing or not.

 

They are grown now, and my two oldest are young adults. Neither of them is interested in dating, which is fine for my older daughter, but with my younger daughter, it's more complicated. She's been asking more questions about her dad's affair, and told us one time there is a guy she likes and I asked her if she was considering dating him.

 

Her answer broke my heart, and it made my husband feel terrible. She told us she didn't want to because he might cheat on her. She's afraid of being hurt, and it's affecting her life in a negative way.

 

The questions about my spouse's affair are tough enough, but to his credit, he has always been honest with her and never tries to blame me or anyone else for what he did. That brief remark, which might not have meant much to her, really shook him.

 

I know ideally, kids shouldn't be involved in their parent's problems, and them knowing isn't something either of us wanted. Unfortunately, that horse has left the barn. We did some family counseling back then, but I guess these wounds can run pretty deep, even if we don't always see them.

 

If you have made it through this post, do you have any suggestions? She's almost 19 now, and I would like to help remove this cloud from over her head, but maybe I can't.

[georgia girl]

I was a pre-teen/teen when I found out about my dad’s affair. I also lived through some pretty spectacular family drama as my dad had engaged in false reconciliation and my dad’s OW was not exactly emotionally stable and did some pretty awful things. My dad and I were quite estranged for awhile but when he made it up to mom and I actually believed both of them that things were good, we made up as well. (Much to my mom’s delight - she sounds a lot like you.)

 

I didn’t date for a long, long time and when I did, I refused to get serious. But ultimately, as an adult I learned that we all make our own mistakes and we don’t necessarily repeat others’ mistakes. With that realization, I became a little more open. I met and married the love of my life.

 

So, my point is that yes, affairs deeply impact kids. But, they are just one of a life full of lessons. Talking about it as a family, allowing her to explore her preconceived notions and to separate fact from fiction helps. Our family experience was pretty indelible but I came around. I think she will, too. She just needs time and the right person.

[pepperbird]

I was a pre-teen/teen when I found out about my dad’s affair. I also lived through some pretty spectacular family drama as my dad had engaged in false reconciliation and my dad’s OW was not exactly emotionally stable and did some pretty awful things. My dad and I were quite estranged for awhile but when he made it up to mom and I actually believed both of them that things were good, we made up as well. (Much to my mom’s delight - she sounds a lot like you.)<snip>

 

 

Thank you for this response. It made so much sense and was really helpful.

 

My older daughter identifies as romantic asexual, but I don't think that has anything to do with her dad's affair. It's just who she is. She feels good in her own skin, and I support that fully. It took a long time for her to get there.

 

My younger daughter is still learning who she is, and I hope she will be able to open up her heart and let someone in-she's got a bit of a crush on her chem lab partner. I'd like for her to be able to experience all the joy that can come form a happy relationship, and I'm hoping that with time and the continued example of my husband, who doesn't shy away even when she asks him tough questions, she will find herself open to maybe meeting someone if and when she feels ready.

Edited January 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Starswillshine]

I would just explain to her that not all people cheat. That there is some people out there that are loyal and faithful and you are sure of that because you are one of those people.

 

I think you did the right thing in handling the town gossip and telling them the truth.

 

I hate how affairs have a trickle down affect. People never really think of all the collateral damage they do.

[elaine567]

One daughter identifies as a romantic asexual and has essentially taken herself off the dating market and the other has actually admitted she is frightened of dating anyone in case she is cheated upon.

 

 

I guess both are scarred by your husband's affair and the effect it had on you and them.

Being the subject of small town gossip probably wan't great either, kids can be very cruel.

 

I am not sure what to suggest.

I know your husband is being very honest answering questions, but is he now being too honest and has thus scared them both off men?

[georgia girl]

Pepperbird,

 

If she has a crush on her lab partner, that’s good. Let her dip her toes in the water slowly. She may date him once or twice, get spooked and run away. That’s okay. She is testing herself and her fear of relationships and learning to get comfortable with the risk that the other person may hurt you. As my mom used to tell me all the time, “You will date many, love a few and marry only one.”

 

Also, you and your husband should recognize that the fear of being cheated on would or could exist without your particular past. She may have also seen a girlfriend hurt or friends’ parents may have gone through divorce. And even if she didn’t see these things or had a lasting impact from them, fundamental in dating is the vulnerability of liking someone and opening yourself up for hurt and rejection. Cheating is the greatest kind of rejection and most people naturally fear it.

 

Finally, I will go back to what I said earlier - the marriage of your parents is only one element in a life full of lessons. It’s absolutely devestating to be the child when a parent cheats and it will rock your world. But, it sounds like you have managed this tragedy within your family very well and the damage done is largely healed over. I would advise that you not dwell so much on your marriage issues and your daughters’ reluctance to date, but instead encourage them to focus their lives on the adventures that only being young can bring - academic and athletic success, social exploration including dating, and dreaming of one’s future. When you stop focusing on the bad that can happen and start celebrating the opportunities that are out there - their lives will begin to crystallize around what could happen in the best ways, not the worst.

 

To that end, your husband also needs to forgive himself and help her recognize that a full life - and love - is possible.

[DKT3]

Our kids were very small when her affair happened. They are college and high school students now. A few years ago my son (our oldest) confronted us about the affair. Honestly we had no idea he was aware of it.

 

During the affair he observed some interactions between my wife and her AP. He commented to me at the time about being with the babysitter at odd times. Over the years he wrote his own version of events and confronted us with what he concluded was the truth. It was an ugly scene.

 

Its has definitely had a negative impact on his view of relationships. He has a long term gf but he retreats whenever she trys to bound emotionally. He says he will never marry.

 

His relationship with his mother is tense I would say. He appears to keep her at arms length.

 

Our daughter was a toddler and she is to this day unaware. We know we need to tell her but she is a massive daddies girl and I fear the fallout there.

[pepperbird]

One daughter identifies as a romantic asexual and has essentially taken herself off the dating market and the other has actually admitted she is frightened of dating anyone in case she is cheated upon.<snip>

 

 

Her identifying as asexual likely has more to do with her being autistic and her sensory processing issues. She's also pragmatic to the end.

Edited January 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[BettyDraper]

My father's affair made me lose respect for both he and my mother.

 

I always saw my mother as a tough woman who didn't take any guff from anyone. Consequently, seeing my mother stay with my dad and continue to be domestic for him after the affair made me respect her far less. When I was in a deep depression, my mother tearfully asked me if leaving my father would make me happy. I told her that it was too late for that because the affair was over a decade before that and she chose to stay.

 

I will always be a daddy's girl unless he is making moral judgments about my decisions. He used to put me down for dating "too much" as well as shacking up with my husband before marriage. When my father had the temerity to bring up morality, I became a snarling and angry dragon. I told my father that he lost the right to take any moral high ground when he cheated on my mother. My father's shame kept him silent after I reminded him what he did.

 

Another issue is I became very bitter and cynical about men in my early teens. Typical heartbreaks made me far more bitter than they should have because of what my father and other men around me were doing. I don't even trust my husband completely because I have seen too much.

As a wife, I came to realize that every woman has her own tolerance level and it wasn't my place to judge other ladies for what they chose to put up with. It's also common for couples to stay together for their children and that is what my parents did.

[Starswillshine]

Just this morning, my 16 year old told me that everything is falling into place for her, but she is just waiting for it all to explode in her face. Because life was too perfect before the discovery of her dad's affair.

 

It's the gift that keeps on giving.

[Chaparral]

I think your daughters should be seeing a counselor. Also, I think you should check out Jordan Peterson and his Twelve Rules for Life. He has a book and videos on YouTube. He is a Clinical Psychologist and his specialty, to me anyway, is dealing with reality and being positive. The first thing one has to admit is life really is hard. But that is ok too.

[elaine567]

His Twelve Rules of Life are for young males.

Jordan Petersen is controversial.

Most women find him sexist and misogynistic.

Edited January 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[S2B]

Have you had your younger daughter see a therapist?

 

It could help her with reasoning out risk factors in any relationship.

 

Risk vs reward... she may understand it better if a professional addressed her fears and helps her work through the issues.

 

Sooner is better than later!

[Whoknew30]

It all depends. Everyone handles things differently & parents handle things differently.

 

I come from a culture where men are known for cheating. The only thing that ever affected me personally was to see the women freak out but stay...in my opinion, either leave or accept it. In my case I feel It was positive bc I learned cheating has nothing to do with the person being cheated on, usually & I learned never to tie up my self esteem with anyone...the way I feel about myself has nothing to do with anyone else or ties to their actions.

Although my dad was a great dad & my mom would always reinforce that we should never mix their martial problems as our issue.

 

Now if a spouse cheats & the BS is behaving like they’re dying, then yeah the kids probably are going to be jaded from that.

 

My daughter knows my husband & I did (we were married so young) she’s older now & it has not affected her at all (as we’ve discussed it) but I always raised her not to judge what’s really non of her business & what I learned...not to ever take on another’s actions as having anything to do with how you feel about yourself & that everyone you love is going disappoint & or betray you in some way, it’s how you as a person choose to handle is, what’s most important.

 

Be honest with your daughter...yes, she can get cheated on regardless if her dad did it or not...& her dad’s mistake has nothing to do with her & if she chooses to not date a person out of fear, that’s “her” choice but that her dad’s mistake didn’t cause it, the threat was & will always be there...that’s life.

 

My family personally has always been brutally honest & didn’t hide anything from us kids but in my personal experience with friends...it’s a hard day in a kid’s life when they find out their parents are human. It’s not just cheating & affairs, it’s finding out your parents aren’t the Saints you thought they were. It’s like finding out Santa isn’t real...you get over it but it stings.

 

I feel what you said is good...good luck to you guys.

[pepperbird]

My younger daughter has made plans to go on her first date! She met a guy in her calculus class and they seem to have hit it off.

 

 

I admit i find it kind of cute. She blushes and gets all flustered when she talks about him. I'm hoping it will be a really positive experience for her.

[standtall]

IMHO, affairs are the adults business, and most assuredly not the children's. It would be like a brother asking you if you're getting a little on the side....none of your business.

[pepperbird]

I agree that it's usually best to keep the kids out of their parents business. However, in our case, that wasn't possible. Small town, lots of gossip and ow with a big mouth and it all came out. It's kind of hard to not talk about an affair when your child comes home, tells you she heard that her daddy was " cheating" on me with (insert ow's name here) and asks what that means.

[georgia girl]

Pepperbifd,

 

That is awesome! Let her have fun, explore and be there for her if she needs you. She is willing to give relationships a try and thats very healthy.

 

And while I agree with the other poster that it’s best to not let kids find out, I am going to be brutally honest and say that it’s also a little naive to think they won’t. I found out because my parents were arguing a lot. They didn’t argue about it in front of us but there are always tell tale signs that an argument occurred - you could tell mom had been crying, they were either overly polite or not really speaking, etc. So, I did what almost any kid is going to do - I became a mini detective and started lurking around corners.

 

For any parent out there thinking about cheating and dismissing its impact on the kids, PLEASE think again. When you are a kid, your immediate family is the center of your world. It represents you - who you are, your place in society, your stability, your safe spot while you go out and try out the world. When a parent cheats, it rocks your foundation and strikes at the core of you. You are embarrassed that your friends will find out, scared that your family is falling apart, afraid about where you will live and how you will survive, hurt and despite whatever they say to you, feeling abandoned and unloved. You get through it, yes, and the person you become is much stronger and more self-reliant. But if these are your kids who you love so much that you “can’t leave,” then how on earth could you have done this to them? I just don’t get it.

[S2B]

It all depends. Everyone handles things differently & parents handle things differently.

 

I come from a culture where men are known for cheating. The only thing that ever affected me personally was to see the women freak out but stay...in my opinion, either leave or accept it. In my case I feel It was positive bc I learned cheating has nothing to do with the person being cheated on, usually & I learned never to tie up my self esteem with anyone...the way I feel about myself has nothing to do with anyone else or ties to their actions.

Although my dad was a great dad & my mom would always reinforce that we should never mix their martial problems as our issue.

 

Now if a spouse cheats & the BS is behaving like they’re dying, then yeah the kids probably are going to be jaded from that.

 

My daughter knows my husband & I did (we were married so young) she’s older now & it has not affected her at all (as we’ve discussed it) but I always raised her not to judge what’s really non of her business & what I learned...not to ever take on another’s actions as having anything to do with how you feel about yourself & that everyone you love is going disappoint & or betray you in some way, it’s how you as a person choose to handle is, what’s most important.

 

Be honest with your daughter...yes, she can get cheated on regardless if her dad did it or not...& her dad’s mistake has nothing to do with her & if she chooses to not date a person out of fear, that’s “her” choice but that her dad’s mistake didn’t cause it, the threat was & will always be there...that’s life.

 

My family personally has always been brutally honest & didn’t hide anything from us kids but in my personal experience with friends...it’s a hard day in a kid’s life when they find out their parents are human. It’s not just cheating & affairs, it’s finding out your parents aren’t the Saints you thought they were. It’s like finding out Santa isn’t real...you get over it but it stings.

 

I feel what you said is good...good luck to you guys.

 

This is all well and good but it’s just words.

 

Unfortunately, the example set by actions to kids while growing up far outweighs words said to them.