Complicated decision

[Ella_stella]

I got married roughly 4 years ago to my boyfriend of three years. I Also had a FWB relationship at the time that started a few months before I got married. This relationship evolved over the years. We rarely talked about how we feel about each other until recently, when he opened olio to say he sees me as the person he could spend the rest of his life with.

 

But something I have always been clear about is that I don’t want to leave my husband for him, as I don’t expect him to leave his girlfriend of 12 years with whom he has a daughter, for me. I want both of us to leave our partners peacefully before considering being together. A few months ago, he discovered his girlfriend was cheating on him with a close member of his family, and I somewhat convinced him to stay with her (the circumstances were against doing things otherwise, especially with his daughter. At the time it seemed beneficial for everyone), and he was working through his issues. I love him and care about him so I support him no matter what.

 

He spent a few days in jail and because he got physical with her while drunk and since then their relationship changed. He says he loves me but he has been blocking me from his phone because he can’t bare anymore that I am married. He says that since I’m not available, he should look for someone else (even though he hasn’t officially broken up with his girlfriend). He want to start dating and he downloaded Tinder and has been in touch with his exes and other girls that have shown interest.

 

I feel pressured to leave my husband for him but I don’t feel assured that he wants to be with me. I think , and I have told him, that I would be a huge convenince for him and that’s the only reason why he wants me (I’m a high rank government worker, I’m not rich but I can support a small family with my wage alone, I’ve been told I’m a catch and that only makes me insecure about myself because I think guys are attracted to the job, not to me. Yes I do have low self steem and that’s a factor). He recently told me that it’s not like that.

 

That he sees me as someone he can spend the rest of his life with. I don’t know what to make of it when he blocks me despite I beg him not to because it hurts me. I don’t know what to think. I currently feel so used and worthless. My relationship with my husband has deteriorated too. I feel very frustrated in the life I have with him, I have always felt that way. He doesn’t want children (or can have them) and 7 years ago when we met I didn’t want kids m either, but now that I’m past 30, I feel different. That is a huge thing. But I care about him and Im confused.

 

I don’t want to leave him for the promise of someone better. It wouldn’t be fair for him or me. He thinks I don’t feel bad for cheating on my husband for so long, but he is wrong. I do feel bad, but feel worse that he is not honest to me about what he really wants. He cheated on his girlfriend numerous times. There’s times I think he cheated on me too, but I don’t feel I have the right to say anything since I’m still married and we have never talk about exclusivity.

 

He is the promise of a better life. He is all I wanted my partner to be. But I also have a commemitment to my husband. And I fear for his future. I don’t know how he would take learning about an affair or even learning that I don’t want to be with him anymore. He is older than me, and has never lived on his own. He suffers from depression among several other illnesses.

 

I don’t know what to do. And I have no one to talk to about this. I’m looking for some advice, someone else’s experience. Has leaving your husband for the other guy ever worked? I know every relationship is different, but I want to hear your own experience. I don’t need to be judged, that job is already mine.

[Mrin]

Oh wow, what a mess.

 

First off, you need to recognize that your marriage is a sham. You haven't been faithful to your husband for one single second of your marriage and since you said you consider it cheating, it doesn't sound like you have an open marriage.

 

Think about that. You haven't been faithful for a single second since you started up a FWB just before your marriage to your 3 year boyfriend.

 

Forget this other guy for a second - deal with your marriage.

 

Your husband sounds like he's been faithful since you haven't said anything about his infidelity. You need to clean things up with him before you do anything and that means telling him and telling him everything. He needs to know to make a decision on whether he even wants to be married to someone like you any longer. Dear lord, you must hold him in such contempt to so clinically weigh staying with him or leaving him for this other guy without him even being able to make a decision if he wants you.

 

So that's the first step - get clear with your husband. Tell him and tell him everything. After that... well take it from there. But at least have some respect for him as a human being, much less your husband.

 

Mrin

[littleblackheart]

You're sparing your H's feelings and staying stuck in this loveless marriage out of pity?

 

Your FWB is a serial cheater with a checkered past and he is the promise of a better life?

 

How much does your H know of your current state of mind?

[BaileyB]

Lets call a spade a spade, you've been engaged in an affair the entire length of your marriage.

 

He is a serial cheater, he has been physically abusive toward his girlfriend, and he's been incarcerated... Not to mention the fact that he suffers from depression and he gives you the silent treatment when he is upset. Yup, he's a catch all right.

 

Forget this guy. He is bad news. Deal with your marriage and let this go...

Edited August 20, 2018 by BaileyB

[usa1ah]

So when are you going to let your husband know you have been a cheater your entire marriage?

[Ocdude]

I got married roughly 4 years ago to my boyfriend of three years. I Also had a FWB relationship at the time that started a few months before I got married. This relationship evolved over the years. We rarely talked about how we feel about each other until recently, when he opened olio to say he sees me as the person he could spend the rest of his life with.

 

But something I have always been clear about is that I don’t want to leave my husband for him, as I don’t expect him to leave his girlfriend of 12 years with whom he has a daughter, for me. I want both of us to leave our partners peacefully before considering being together. A few months ago, he discovered his girlfriend was cheating on him with a close member of his family, and I somewhat convinced him to stay with her (the circumstances were against doing things otherwise, especially with his daughter. At the time it seemed beneficial for everyone), and he was working through his issues. I love him and care about him so I support him no matter what.

 

He spent a few days in jail and because he got physical with her while drunk and since then their relationship changed. He says he loves me but he has been blocking me from his phone because he can’t bare anymore that I am married. He says that since I’m not available, he should look for someone else (even though he hasn’t officially broken up with his girlfriend). He want to start dating and he downloaded Tinder and has been in touch with his exes and other girls that have shown interest.

 

I feel pressured to leave my husband for him but I don’t feel assured that he wants to be with me. I think , and I have told him, that I would be a huge convenince for him and that’s the only reason why he wants me (I’m a high rank government worker, I’m not rich but I can support a small family with my wage alone, I’ve been told I’m a catch and that only makes me insecure about myself because I think guys are attracted to the job, not to me. Yes I do have low self steem and that’s a factor). He recently told me that it’s not like that.

 

That he sees me as someone he can spend the rest of his life with. I don’t know what to make of it when he blocks me despite I beg him not to because it hurts me. I don’t know what to think. I currently feel so used and worthless. My relationship with my husband has deteriorated too. I feel very frustrated in the life I have with him, I have always felt that way. He doesn’t want children (or can have them) and 7 years ago when we met I didn’t want kids m either, but now that I’m past 30, I feel different. That is a huge thing. But I care about him and Im confused.

 

I don’t want to leave him for the promise of someone better. It wouldn’t be fair for him or me. He thinks I don’t feel bad for cheating on my husband for so long, but he is wrong. I do feel bad, but feel worse that he is not honest to me about what he really wants. He cheated on his girlfriend numerous times. There’s times I think he cheated on me too, but I don’t feel I have the right to say anything since I’m still married and we have never talk about exclusivity.

 

He is the promise of a better life. He is all I wanted my partner to be. But I also have a commemitment to my husband. And I fear for his future. I don’t know how he would take learning about an affair or even learning that I don’t want to be with him anymore. He is older than me, and has never lived on his own. He suffers from depression among several other illnesses.

 

I don’t know what to do. And I have no one to talk to about this. I’m looking for some advice, someone else’s experience. Has leaving your husband for the other guy ever worked? I know every relationship is different, but I want to hear your own experience. I don’t need to be judged, that job is already mine.

 

 

 

Second to the last paragraph,

 

I would tell your husband, I would not be so sure that he would want to stay married to you. You may not have a choice then.....

[bathtub-row]

You lost me when you mentioned he went to jail for getting physical with his gf. Secondly, he’s on a dating site and cheating while with his gf. Neither you nor him have shown any stellar behavior. Personally, I think this guy is horrible on many levels and that you should re-think how you’re living your life. It amazes me how nonchalant you are about being so deceptive in your marriage. I doubt your husband would think you’re a great catch.

Edited August 20, 2018 by bathtub-row

[anika99]

You don't care about your husband and you don't feel bad for cheating on him. You haven't ever been faithful to him. Thank god you haven't had children with him. Please do not have children with your husband and trap him forever in this fake marriage. Do get divorced, you are not doing your husband any favours by staying and cheating.

 

Your OM sure sounds like a real catch. Abusive serial cheater. If that's what you want I say go for it, but set your husband free first.

[salparadise]

I do feel bad, but feel worse that he is not honest to me about what he really wants. He cheated on his girlfriend numerous times. There’s times I think he cheated on me too, but I don’t feel I have the right to say anything since I’m still married and we have never talk about exclusivity.

 

Your expression of remorse is not exactly convincing. You speak about this so matter of factly, as if having a side-piece is something you're naturally entitled to, and yet you're bothered by doubts about your fwb's honesty, and faithfulness... to you. Never talked about exclusivity, eh?

 

The point here is that there is no congruency in your life whatsoever. It's all lies and sneaking around and sharing the biology of the street with an unsuspecting husband. You know how you can go to a spa and get a complete beauty makeover... well, you need to check and see if they offer an internal makeover that includes ethics, morality and microbial cleansing. Maybe you and your fwb could go together.

[Confused48]

You were cheating on your husband, before you married him, yet you went through with the marriage anyway? Wow.

 

I think your husband would be much better off without you and that you are a perfect match for your FWB who is on dating websites while married. You two should be very happy together.

[Whatnotagain]

You state that you are a high ranking government employee. You know adultery can be a kiss of death for your government employment if you happen to hold a security clearance.

 

You have never been faithful in your marriage and therefore have never had a marriage. You may be legally married to the person but you are not committed to them nor will you ever be, it sounds like. Everything is a sham so why not do the right thing and divorce. Don't try to resolve things between you and your husband. Leave and allow him to find someone else to marry if he chooses, who is going to be committed to him. Because of what you have done you have denied him the security that the person he is with would never betray or harm him. Own what you have done and move on. Unless you know that your husband had a FWB months before your marriage and has been unfaithful for the past three years, then this is on you. Don't try and blame him, you are no victim in this.

[GoldenR]

I'm only gonna focus on one thing...

 

He cheated on his gf for many years with you. Then she cheats on him, and he beats her ass.

 

Looking past the fact that he's the biggest hypocrite ever, why would you wanna be with a guy that hits females?

[understand50]

I'm only gonna focus on one thing...

 

He cheated on his gf for many years with you. Then she cheats on him, and he beats her ass.

 

Looking past the fact that he's the biggest hypocrite ever, why would you wanna be with a guy that hits females?

 

I will focus on the next thing, you cheat with him on your husband, and now he want to "be" with you.

 

Same question, why would you want to have a life with a guy, who you cheated with?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

First time I've ever heard someone speak of their secret lover as a "FWB." Does that sound better to you in some way?

 

Your poor husband.

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if your husband had been cheating on you behind your back for your entire marriage and putting your health at risk for STD's? How in the world can you possibly say that you have a commitment to your husband?

[Colin Grant]

While you're considering options with whom you will be exclusive to, your husband is falsely believing he is the future. Betraying him is one thing, but the least you can do is divorce him and allow him to proceed with the rest of his life with someone that is loving, just as you are.

 

I'm not condoning your unfaithfulness which is worthy of along post, but your situation is so disrespectful to your husband and bereft of human decency, I can't even get up the mental energy to touch on that subject. But again, give your husband a chance at having a loving exclusive partner.

 

It's the least you can do He's living at an unbelievable disadvantage with regard to how the rest of his life will play out. Essentially, you and your lover are determining your husband's future and could care less what devastation and losses he incurs as you seek an exit strategy for yourself.

 

He's in a fight for his life's future and doesn't even know a fight is going on. Once he sees there's one happening, he will have lost it because it was done before he even knew about it. This is someone's life we're talking about here.

[DavidJoseph]

we have never talk about exclusivity.

 

It wouldn’t be fair for him

 

I assume you are saying you have never talked to your FWB about exclusivity.

 

Have you ever talked to your husband about exclusivity?

 

You speak also about you worrying about being "fair for him" (again I'm assuming your FWB).

 

Are you being fair to your husband?

[Adotta]

Let's just admit this girl cares about her boyfriend much much more than her husband. I'm guessing her husband is a ultilty to her. Boring but useful. While FWB boy toy is all giggles and rolling in sheets. It's not unheard of.

 

 

It's immoral what your doing. Your thoughts about infidelity are one sided and pathetic. I can't believe you are hurt that your serial cheater boy toy has "cheated on You". Then you say it's not fair to him..... WTF???!!!

 

 

There is a new trending video about self reflection and seeing yourself for who you are. Look it up. It was made by the charisma on command channel. It might help you see who you are as a person without all the fluffy feel good things you tell yourself to save your own self image. It might help you see that WHAT YOU DO matters more than what you feel or think.

 

 

Moving on.

 

 

More importantly to you at least is understanding that this FWB buddy of yours is a one way trip to being treated exactly as you treat your husband. This dirt bag will n3ver be faithful. The more jaded part of my head wishes you WOULD go run into this man's arms. Your husband would be free of you, and you would experience beautiful karma for your actions. But I'm trying to be more mature lately so, Chuck the dude. Start over. Leave your husband. He deserves better. Don't tell him you cheated. Just go. Feed him an excuse and gtfo of there.

 

 

 

Go see an IC. You need to learn about empathy, respect and a try to basicly grow the hell up. men are not toys for your use. People only have so many years on this world and you just threw out nearly a decade of your husband's life. Congrats.

 

 

 

Set him free. Dump the serial cheater. Try to love on your own. If you want **** buddies. Go ahead. Your single. Have at it. Spit in anyone's face who calls you a slut.

[Orokotikki]

Think about this - he (AP) cheats on girlfriend for years.

You cheat on husband with AP.

AP's GF cheats on him he beats her.

If your husband knew about your affair would he beat you?

 

Do you actually somehow believe AP will be faithful to you??

Well, you better be or else he will ...

 

You deserve better than AP, just as your husband deserves better than you.

 

Leave your husband and find someone new.

Of course he is depressed his wife has checked out of the marriage long ago.

In the way that matters he is already been abandoned.

 

Stop being a cowardly villain/victim in your life and do what is right.

 

Good luck.