Wife is thinking of cheating

[harleyJohn61]

I posted this on another forum but wanted to get some ideas here. I have a problem with my wife. We have been married for 6 years. She is 43 and is currently starting menopause. She also takes a drug called Cymbalta for pain and depression. She is attractive and our life together have been pretty good until recently. We have not had sex in about 6 months which is really rare. She complains of being sick and hurting and all that and seems never to feel good enough to have sex. She says she loves me dearly and all that and that being depressed is hurting some too as far as sex is concerned. Well, it seems I overheard her talking to a friend that she was planning on having a fling with one of our renters. I am pretty sure the renter has been flirting with her for a long time but she would never do anything with anyone or so I thought. This guy is a redneck has nothing as far as looks, money or anything else. I have more in my pocket than this guy could come up with if he sold everything. When confronted with this she said that she was just kidding with the friend and not serious, but I really do not believe her. Why would a good woman like this that never cheated on me and I know that is a fact, all of a sudden want to do something like this. Our marriage must not mean much to her and why do something like this with this piece of trash. She has been on the receiving end of cheating before with her ex husband and she knows the hurt it can bring, so if she loves me, why is she willing to get caught and hurt me like that. I really do not understand what is going on with her. Could it be the drug? Things seem to have gone downhill since she started taking it. I talked with the friend and he (that is right, he...it is an old boyfriend)...and he is shocked at her behavior too and he has known her for 15 years and he said she is screwed up or something. I have tried to get her to counseling but she will not go. I just have her on a short leash now just to make sure she is okay but I can't live like this. Any ideas?

[jmargel]

Very well could be the drug she is taking. The depression is also something that will alter her personality. If she won't go back to the doctors, call the doctors yourself and tell them the situation. I'm sure the doctor will call her for a 'checkup' and to alter the meds. Counseling will also help you both, meds itself won't cure depression. You can't fix her, she has to fix herself.

[harleyJohn61]

Thanks for the advice. My wife says that we do not communicate and I have been working on this. She says that she is a real bitch and that makes some of our conversations a little difficult but we try. I am trying to get thru this and I might cause a setup to happen. If I were to leave for a bit, but not really, she might try and meet the guy and then I would have her dead to rights and then maybe she would have to confess. The guy would probably come over to our house and all that and I could just confront them and get my say in. He would be scared to come back into her life and she would have to confess her sins. Guess it is the old put up or shut up thing. She could not deny anything this time and the thing of I was just kidding could not be used. She said last night that I was insecure to a point and I feel like, yes, I am somewhat. Hearing what I heard would make anyone that way. I think she has a screw loose somewhere and I just need to get the right screwdriver. Thanks for the reply.

[jmargel]

Click on my link in my signature, it might do you some good. Talk to her about both of you going to a marriage counselor. Now is the time to do this, not after any sort of affairs.

[harleyJohn61]

Thought i would post this since it has been several weeks since I updated. Through some conversations with someone else, I have determined that my wife suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. You can check on the symptoms at website that deals with this.Oneof the symptoms is risky sex amoung others. I have given her several chances to do something naughty like be gone for several hours without being around or go to my mothers for a few days, etc., but she does not want me to go. She has not had any contact with this guy for several weeks. I told her what might be wrong with her and she said that the symptoms fit and that she would get on the meds that would be good for her and we are getting along a lot better also. This seems to be a very serious desease and I would encourage people to look at this as maybe one of the reasons the wife cheats. Most of the ones that have this are women. My wife's cousin says that my wife's brother sexually abused my wife when she was very young and this is one of the causes of this desease. I hope the bastard can live with himself. Mywife and I have discussed this lately and we seem to be getting a handle on what is going on. My wife says that she is just a bitch and cannot explain why she does some things, but the websites I have vistied says why she is the way she is. She knows that if she f*(ks around, I will leave and I think she will behave herself now....I hope so anyway. Thanks for the comments on here. Sounds like a lot of folks have more problems than me, especially the guy that has the wife that screwed around before they were married a year. This girl has some serious problems for sure. As always comments are welcome.

[LucreziaBorgia]

There is a book out there called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Strauss that might help her (and you) to read.

 

Another helpful one for you (and she) to read might be "Stop Walking On Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder". I've got them both, and found both to be interesting and helpful.

[SoleMate]

Please don't "set up" your wife for cheating so you can get evidence on her. That is not a loving or constructive thing to do. Instead, Google for "marriage builders" and see if you can do more to meet her needs. Work with her so she also meets your needs, and get her to a REALLY GOOD psychiatrist for careful monitoring of her moods and medications.

[RecordProducer]

I missed the part that explains how you know that she wanted to cheat on you. What did she say to her friend?

Medications indeed alter the brain and it's very hard to find the right medication for many medical issues. Talk to her about it and tell her what you wrote here.

If she doesn't want sex with you but wants it with someone else (which is not obvious from your post, but let's assume it's true) then she is disappointed in you for some reasons or she simply isn't attracted to you anymore. It takes two for the relationship to go downwards.

[wanting to heal]

I have had big issues with my wife. See my post "Wife in midlife crisis, was it just a one night stand"

 

My wife needs medication but will not take it. I am on Cymbalta. I take the 60 mg, but I was doing better on the 30 mg. I am not sure I like it. It makes me smoke more, and I gave me the shakes at first. I was on Wellbutrin before, and I think it was better. At least it cut my desire to smoke because it is about the same as Zyban. Sometimes an anti-depressant will cause one to lose sex drive. It has probably increased mine, but sex is not a good when you are on it.

 

Otherwise, how the hell can you be so calm when she has not had sex with you in 6 mos? That is the shocker to me.

[harleyJohn61]

Well, thanks for the replys. First, my wife still loves me. I talked with her cousin and she assures me that my wife still loves me. She still acts the part of a loving, caring wife for the most part and I don't think she couuld keep it up by faking it. I am a good looking guy and I think she is attracted to me. I have talked with her and I don't think that is the problem. People with BPD have shaky relationships. To Lucrezia, why did you buy those books? Have you had someone close to you that has BPD? Which book is best? I read part of the books at Barnes and Noble the other day and could not tell wihich might be best. To Soulmate, this act was a thing that I had planned if all else failed and it was going into the dumper for sure. I was going to get evidence for the lawyer because she would not have been fair to me at all in a divorce. I would not set her up and then try to work it out because I don't think I would have done that. The love would be gone as I once knew it and the marriage would have been no more. I am getting help for her. She has changed her medications and it has not been easy. The cymbalta is a mean ass drug. Last night she went into a crying fit and said that she wanted to die. How in the world did this drug get on the market? She is going to take paxil when she gets off this mess for a bit. She told me that if it did not help with the sexlife then we would go to a obgyn or somewhere. you know, she might have just been kidding with her friend afterall. She might have been talking about doing something and not really have done it. She could have had better if she wanted it like she said. Sex with a scum bag is very risky and all sorts of STD's would be possible and she knows that. But it is one of the symptoms of the desease. The conversation for Record Producer is that she wanted her friend to be a cover story while she saw this guy who rents from us. The friend did not want to do it at all. He could not make heads or tails of what she was doing really. It was not her at all he later told me and he is not a very nice guy at all in my view. His morals are on the low end. He does 3sums with his g/f which used to be his daughter-in-law and less than half his age. She is 23 and he is 53. So, to be shocked by what my prim and proper wife said was something. We are working it out I think and this may be one of the happier stories on here. I appreciate the input and it has greatly helped me. My wife knows she has something going on here and she is working on it. As far as the no sex for 6 months, well it has not been easy and a sexless marriage with a wife that has BPD seems to be very common but we will get by it and get things straight. I will post more when I have other news...oh, the renter was supposed to do some work and when my wife did not call him or try to get with him, he did not even show up.....so that should tell you why he was wanting to work.....not for the money at least.

[harleyJohn61]

Just an update for those who responded on this post. I really appreciate all the repllys and I think we have a happy ending to this problem....a lot of those posts on here are not ending so well and I am greatly sorry for what a lot of folks have to go through. My wife is now on Paxil and off the Cymbalta. We think this has been the main problem for her. She has Borderline Personality Disorder and she needs certain medications to keep it in check. She is a totally different person now and she is back to her old self. She told me that she got the idea in her head that I did not really care for her. She said that she can see now how crazy that was but while on the Cymbalta, she could not help thinking these crazy thoughts. We have not heard from the renter in about a month and we heard from someone that he tried to kill himself. He is not living in the house we rent to him and we are going to move his stuff out and rent to someone else. Someone that unstable could have done something to me or her if she had carried out the affair with him. He tried to call her once about the time he tried to commit suicide and she did not call him back, so maybe this was the reason he did it. This is only a thought but it could be what happened. People out there that do wrong to others sometimes do not get away with things and maybe this is a payback for him trying to do harm to my familly and ruin our lives. I know my wife could have tried to get rid of him and say no but she was very unstable herself and this guy knew he was wrong for this. Some people have still told me that the idea of the affair with him was in her head anyway and that I should still blame her for what she was planning, but since it did not happen, I am going to try to make our marriage work and be the loving husband that I want to be. It still hurts regardless of what the situation was. To think that someone you love would think of doing something and betray your trust is hard to deal with. I can only imagine what I would feel like if she had gone through with it. I want to thank everyone again for your support.