LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships > Infidelity

EA discovered years later husband unrepentant


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

Like Tree4Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 28th November 2017, 8:14 AM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Scottish isles
Posts: 3
EA discovered years later husband unrepentant

He feels he has done no wrong at all.

He saw it as a friendship but I have letters he wrote her going into details of how he wished things where different. Not long discovered. Being very flirty in these letters. He doesnít see it like that all and doesnít under stand all the fuss more so because all this time has passed. But itís all new to me not old and Iím devastated over it.

Iíve asked questions and he has told me he only stayed with her because of his mother doing his nut in?? He told his mother which I find really strange he was an item with her but didnít have sex with her when staying. Heís adamant he didnít sleep with her.

If his mother was doing his nut in why didnít he ask to stay with me for a bit or actually be a grown up and tell her to Butt out of his business.

Plus how do we recover from this as I now have only his word of all of this as we have moved away and have no contact with the other woman. Havenít had for years now.

Iím stunned over this more so because he had a PA when with his ex wife, not me I might add I came along later.

Do people change for the better or am I better of telling him to sling his hook.
dollypollylolly is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th November 2017, 8:36 AM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 314
"to do someone's nut in" = "to make someone angry, worried or agitated"

"to sling one's hook" = "to go away"

You really have no way of knowing what happened. But you should assume the worst, because cheating spouses will do just about anything to minimize the extent of their affair. They'll lie and swear on their children's lives, etc.

The fact that he's cheated before suggests that this is a behavior pattern of his. So unless he really has a desire to change and does the necessary work, I think you can assume he's the same person he's always been--a cheat.

If I were you, I'd do his nut in and tell him to sling his hook all in the same sentence.
WilyWill is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th November 2017, 9:37 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 520
It's a very worrying sign that he's acting like it wasn't a big deal. He's being defensive and trying to sweep your feelings under the carpet when the right think to do in his shoes is to be spending every waking minute trying to make things right with you.

I suggest printing the following guide out and asking that he read it, then see how he acts after that:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/roma...use-needs-know
sdraw108 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th November 2017, 9:57 AM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 48,090
Welcome to LS....



As to the marriage and EA, how long ago was the events in question and how would you characterize the foundation of the marriage prior to this revelation? I understand you're now looking at history through the glasses of a potential affair discovery but try to be neutral in sharing perspective on it.

As example, was this discovery a shocking surprise in an otherwise healthy and prosperous marriage? Other?

Be aware that there are many adults out there, men and women, who don't consider flirting, ILY's, sharing emotional intimacies, even physical affection, as 'affairs'. I've interacted with dozens of them over the decades and spoken with many more. I added more content to those volumes only recently. Perception is, in general, reality for those perceiving it. Yours, and my, perception on such matters may and likely does differ. The work in the marriage is finding ones way to the middle ground and rebuilding the health of the marriage from a solid foundation. If such a foundation never really existed, IMO don't bother. Plenty of fish in the sea, so to speak. Cut bait.
carhill is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th November 2017, 10:17 AM   #5
Established Member
 
BluesPower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 2,997
Your thinking is totally correct...

Your thinking is totally correct...

With the following exception, he is lying to you about everything, it is a certainty.

He slept with her without a doubt. Just like every other cheater he will lie, sometimes when you have actual proof.

The question is, Is he still cheating on you. Answer, more than likely.

It is not that people cannot change, it is that they usually don't.

So the question for you is do you want to stay with him if he does not own up to what he has done, or is you want to be with him at all...
BluesPower is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th November 2017, 10:29 AM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 48,090
OP, one aspect to consider when making a choice to presume actions not supported by evidence is patterns of behavior. Is your H a predatory male who's always ogling and making sexual comments about women? How does he view women in general? What's his verifiable history? You apparently have some written documents.

As example from my ancient history, when I sent one lady's spouse her love letters and cards, she could have been totally honest in saying she 'never had sex with that guy' (stealing a line from Bill Clinton and changing genders) and that statement would have been global and factual. She didn't. No genital contact at all. Of course, he could believe what he wanted to. She did have, and admitted to, sex with other guys

One choice to decide on is whether this content from the past will rule you in the present. Your call. It's your marriage. The one in my story lasted another 20 years before the lady in question found her perfect exit affair partner (not me) and moved on. I doubt your H is that sinister but of course he could be. Big world lots of people.
carhill is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th November 2017, 4:21 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 166
How long ago did this happen? I presume you weren't married at the time, because you imply that you were not living together when he stayed with the other woman. What was the status of your relationship back then?

Finally, what has happened since then? Is there a pattern or does this seem like a one time occurrence.

Lots of ifs here: If this was 25 years ago, you were not married, and not committed at the time, its a different scenario than if you were married/engaged/and or committed, and years ago means a couple of years ago.

Yes, he's lying. They slept together. Lying could be because he's an ass, for self preservation, or just because of shame. His behavior since then should give you an indication of which it is. The cheating with the previous Ex does not make this look good.

Last edited by Doorstopper; 28th November 2017 at 5:11 PM..
Doorstopper is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th November 2017, 4:19 PM   #8
Established Member
 
sandylee1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 6,137
A man who does what his mother says to please her .. Despite the fact be doesn't want to do it...
is a weak spineless one.


It sounds like you're in the UK...so my take in cockney rhyming slang is he's feeding you a load of pork pies... and hoping you'll swallow them.
__________________
'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
sandylee1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th December 2017, 2:57 PM   #9
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Scottish isles
Posts: 3
Sorry for the delay in replying. Internet issues my end. Yes Iím in UK

I sent the link to him as above and another about EA.

He is reading slowly and knows this could be an end to us

We have spoken at length and he sees he was in the wrong here and he is taking on board the hurt but is adamant he didnít sleep with her at all. That part will fester away I think for me because he stayed over. So I donít know if I can forgive if that is there if that makes sense.

I need to talk about it and he doesnít as he sees it was years ago but this is all new through discovery recently.

Iím swinging from telling him we are done to forgiving him, my emotions are all over the shop.
dollypollylolly is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th December 2017, 3:39 PM   #10
Established Member
 
Confused48's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 878
I don't think it matters if they were married when he did this. All that matters is what her expectations of him were when he did this. Is this acceptable to her?

OP - I think a polygraph is the only way to get the truth of what happened back then. If you even want to know. I mean what you already know might be enough to make you want to tell him to go.
Confused48 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th December 2017, 3:58 PM   #11
Established Member
 
BluesPower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 2,997
First off...

Quote:
Originally Posted by dollypollylolly View Post
Sorry for the delay in replying. Internet issues my end. Yes Iím in UK

I sent the link to him as above and another about EA.

He is reading slowly and knows this could be an end to us

We have spoken at length and he sees he was in the wrong here and he is taking on board the hurt but is adamant he didnít sleep with her at all. That part will fester away I think for me because he stayed over. So I donít know if I can forgive if that is there if that makes sense.

I need to talk about it and he doesnít as he sees it was years ago but this is all new through discovery recently.

Iím swinging from telling him we are done to forgiving him, my emotions are all over the shop.
First off...Cheaters lie, it is just a fact. They lie and lie and lie, until they cannot lie anymore.

So first off, if he stayed over they had sex, if he says other wise, he is lying.

If this is going to reconcile, then the heavy lifting is on him. Not you...

He is the one that has to read the articles and learn how to help you heal, not you.

He needs to read "how to help your spouse heal from your affair", I think that is the title, by McDonald. It will explain what he needs to do. It is a free download pdf.

But understand the if him sleeping with her is a deal breaker, then file for divorce and save yourself the trouble.

Because he did...
BluesPower is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th December 2017, 4:22 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 1,308
He's lying to you. And if he is unrepentant then you have nothing to work with. Nothing.
Cephalopod is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th December 2017, 5:03 PM   #13
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Scottish isles
Posts: 3
We are still together.

We have no children together but I have kids from a previous relationship as does he.

Iím getting annoyed as he gets defensive when I ask questions. I believe Iím in for the trickle truth. All I want is the truth and he isnít there for some reason.

Iíve given him a deadline which is the 30th December if he doesnít answer my questions Iím leaving and I will file for divorce. He doesnít know the latter. I believe he thinks the good wife will back off and stop all this nonsense as it was long ago what does it matter now as we where not married but we where in a committed relationship or so I thought.
dollypollylolly is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Discovered Husband of 6 months Cheating Before and After Marriage maggie60 Infidelity 14 24th July 2017 12:28 PM
Discovered Husband of 6 months Cheating Before and After Marriage maggie60 Infidelity 4 7th July 2017 4:35 PM
Discovered husband's gf on fb. Now separated&shell shocked Cared2much Infidelity 19 29th November 2015 8:14 PM
I recently discovered that my husband had an affair Nahtaivel616 Infidelity 18 13th July 2014 3:59 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:02 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.