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Marriage "too stable?"


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 18th November 2017, 5:48 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by niji View Post
If you truly want to address your situation, I think it's good to be honest, at least with yourself.

You make it sound like even when you're in the affair, you think about your husband's well-being and trying to do what's best for him. But in reality, if you did think about your husband's well-being, you won't be in an affair in the first place. Yes, the world is not all black and white, but this much is true: your affair is a selfish decision, and not telling your spouses is just damage control because you don't want to have to explain yourself, and you don't want your spouse to confront you and possibly leave you. That's really why you're not telling. I've read this "I don't want my spouse to get hurt while I have sex with other men, so I won't tell him" line so many times, that every time I come across it it seems more comical than anything else.

It's like a mother leaving her children in secret, and when they ask her "Why did you leave us without telling us?" she replies, "Because I don't want to hurt you!" Naturally, the children would be saying, "Then why did you leave us?"

So admit to yourself, AT THIS POINT you're only thinking about yourself. You're not trying to protect your husband from being hurt; he's already hurt and just doesn't know it.

Then after you can be honest with yourself, you can take the next step as wmacbride suggested. If the marriage(s) is not right for you (both), end it and proceed with your respective life.

Ask yourself this. If your husband is doing this to you eg having an affair while still keeping you around for security, how would you feel? I'm not advocating for you to be faithful to him, that's clearly already not an option. But at least have the courage to do one final act, and that's to tell him so he can live a free life.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story and to respond.

I have read both sides of the telling the spouse thing. Yes, maybe it is selfish not to tell because the WS Just wants to protect themselves. But from what i read about other people's experiences, it's selfish to tell because while you are able to vent and diffuse the guilt you are giving your spouse a heavy burden to carry.

If roles were reversed, yes of course i would be so devastated. And yes i would want to know. This is killing me and i hate that I can't make a decision. I just feel so torn and being on this forum helps so much by hearing people's opinions and experiences.
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Old 18th November 2017, 6:08 PM   #32
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Originally Posted by Marriedow View Post
Thank you for taking the time to read my story and to respond.

I have read both sides of the telling the spouse thing. Yes, maybe it is selfish not to tell because the WS Just wants to protect themselves. But from what i read about other people's experiences, it's selfish to tell because while you are able to vent and diffuse the guilt you are giving your spouse a heavy burden to carry.

If roles were reversed, yes of course i would be so devastated. And yes i would want to know. This is killing me and i hate that I can't make a decision. I just feel so torn and being on this forum helps so much by hearing people's opinions and experiences.
Torn? Hardly. Just selfish. You simply want both because it's what you want, and because you know that OM isn't really an option.

You like most WS don't want to tell for selfish reasons, none of which are really about the BS. Not wanting to hurt him would mean not sleeping with other men, you see that is what will cause the pain, telling him that you are doing so is just giving him the opportunity to decide what kind of woman he wants to be married too. That is what you are running from, knowing that it's likely your husband would choose not to live with a shared wife. Along the way you would most likely even lose OM.

Funny thing is you've admitted as much here, yet you keep trying to hide behind being honorable in not telling.
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Old 18th November 2017, 6:42 PM   #33
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If only this was the only price...

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Originally Posted by Marriedow View Post
Yes you are completely right. If only I am not too cowardly. Of course one of the reasons I prefer not to tell him is I can't stand to i hurt him. Although if we are all honest the main reason is so i would not get caught which is the most selfish but truest reason.
In truth, you have been robbing from the marriage relationship, and investing in another relationship. Your husband is in a relationship with who you are pretending to be. Already, your marriage and relationship is on a route that is going to be dealing with all of the unintended consequences of these choices. The loss in intimacy, creativity, developed skills for working through problems... so...so...so....many more problems and issues. As it is, you are on a route that will eventually destroy your relationship... one small problem at a time.
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Old 18th November 2017, 8:54 PM   #34
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Do you want to be talked out of the affair or do you just want a place to lament about how much you miss your OM and how hard it is to be away from him and have people understand (i.e. other people in affairs)?

If you just want to lament, this forum is not going to be the place for you. Affairs are not supported here. There are other forums for that but they are secret private forums and you have to be invited to them.
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Old 18th November 2017, 9:02 PM   #35
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Originally Posted by Marriedow View Post
I am trying to figure out why i fell into my current affair when we have no "real" issues in our marriage.
Because you like attention. It isn't really more complicated than that.
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Old 18th November 2017, 9:31 PM   #36
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Wow....OP, I think maybe you shoulda posted in the OW section where the rest of the people that brag about making fools of their spouses hang out, bc you have absolutely no intention of backing things off with your POSOM, or coming clean to your H.

You need to thank God that you didn't get pregnant, bc you'd not only be a horrible wife, you'd be a horrible mother, as ME ME ME doesn't work once you're a parent.

Your H deserves so much better than you. You're robbing him off having a real marriage with a real wife.

Last edited by GoldenR; 18th November 2017 at 9:36 PM..
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Old 18th November 2017, 9:39 PM   #37
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You speak how special your OM is. O.K. Let take a look. This is a man who:
1. Has no problem screwing around on his wife behind her back for years.
2. Has no problem screwing around on his wife behind her back for years having sex with another married woman.
3. Has no problem screwing around on his wife behind her back for years having sex with another married woman knowing that this affair could destroy her marriage and destroy her life.

You are quite right. He clearly is special. Then again so are you. I personally think you should divorce your husband since he clearly is not special and you certainly deserve to be with a special man like your OM.
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Old 18th November 2017, 9:59 PM   #38
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Originally Posted by Bryanp View Post
You speak how special your OM is. O.K. Let take a look. This is a man who:
1. Has no problem screwing around on his wife behind her back for years.
2. Has no problem screwing around on his wife behind her back for years having sex with another married woman.
3. Has no problem screwing around on his wife behind her back for years having sex with another married woman knowing that this affair could destroy her marriage and destroy her life.

You are quite right. He clearly is special. Then again so are you. I personally think you should divorce your husband since he clearly is not special and you certainly deserve to be with a special man like your OM.
This reasoning doesn't work because she is the same as the MM. All the things you say about him can be said about her so she won't view his actions as "that bad"
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Old 19th November 2017, 1:11 AM   #39
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Originally Posted by Marriedow View Post
I guess i should start at the beginning. I'm a 32F married for 9 years, no kids. Last year we tried doing the fertility thing but no luck. My husband and i got frustrated and i supposed we drifted apart emotionally for a while.

Then an old college acquaintance entered the picture. We are all from a different country so it was nice to get in touch with someone from the same place. The OM Is engaged (together with her for 5 years)and due to visa reasons he's been apart from his fiancee for about a year.

We started catching up on facebook and met up with other people from our place. My husband was there of course. I admit i felt the chemistry between us right away and even my DH commented on it. I assured him there was no history which is the truth.

The innocent catching up messages soon began to get flirty. I admit i liked the attention after that emotional disconnect from DH. And if i guess correctly the OM was lonely as he was living alone in a different country for the past year.

One night about a month later when DH was out, our messages began getting sexual. It was something I couldn't resist. Yes, I should've controlled myself but I didn't. It progressed to more of that until we finally decided to meet up in person after another month. We kept saying it was so we can see how we feel for each other because the chemistry and attraction was so strong. And we believed to connect like this with another person after a long time is rare. But who are we kidding. I know there was a lot of underlying sexual energy and we both wanted to explore that.

He lives 4 hours away and so he drove here. We spent the day together and it felt so natural. No awkwardness or anything. It was amazing.

We communicated almost daily as much as my schedule allowed. We talked about anything and everything. I know people say this all the time but we felt so connected, not just physically but in other aspects as well.

He never calls or messages me when i am home. We both agreed that no one will know about this. That both our partners will always be priority. That we will not get attached. I kept myself a little detached because I'm aware that women tend to get more emotionally invested. Well, it turned out he was the first one to get emotional. He told me he was falling in love with me. He never got controlling or possessive, although he would sometimes ask me on some days if DH and i had sex or not. I started falling for him as well.

We met up once a month for 3 more months then his fiancee came here. We kept our no expectations agreement but somehow found ourselves promising each other things and also scheduling our communication. Basically we ended up comitting to this unofficially. We made it offical 6 months after we started all of this, just before they left the country to go get married. They stayed there for a month and we only had contact two days out of that month. We didn't want to risk communicating because they were always together and he doesn't know if i am at work or home. He messaged me the night before the wedding and it was sexual. Yes that was totally despicable and disrespectful to her and I wish it didn't happen but we missed each other so much that we let it happen.

They came back here together and apparently she can now stay here. We knew this time would come. I gave him a chance to get out of our relationship. Because i never want him to feel like he is obliged to be with me. But he didn't want to. We still kept communicating as much as we can but it is getting harder.

It's now a year since this all started. DH and i are in a better place. We even went on a 3 week vacation. OM and i are living both our lives while still maintaining our small world. It is getting harder to keep this but we promised each other we will keep this forever if we can. Sometimes i feel like we are so distant and it gives me a bit of anxiety. It makes me unsure about his feelings but he assures me he still wants me. And he shows it through our "constant" communication. Sometimes i see their photos and i feel a little jealous. Those unsure feelings have been growing a bit and i'm not sure how to handle them. Feelings are tricky that's for sure.

DH and i are getting along well. I know i will get slammed for saying this but i love spending time with him and we are happy. I learned how to compartmentalize my marriage from my affair so any emotions i feel for my marriage is intact and any emotions high or low i feel in my affair would not be taken out on DH.

Sometimes the guilt hits me hard and i begin having second thoughts about continuing this. I would feel like i would be fine since i am getting used to not talking to him daily like before. But then the time comes when i miss him again so much that i know i can't lose him.

I don't really know why i am here telling this story. I guess maybe i just need some insight from people who knows how this feels. I miss him so much and the highs of being able to communicate even for a few hours feels amazing. But the lows of missing him is so low and it hurts. I try to divert this energy i'm spending thinking about him but it's so difficult. I find myself thinking of him so much everyday and wondering if he thinks as much as i do. To anyone who went through something like this, how did you handle all this emotions?
cool story. so basically you are ****ing another man behind your husbands back because you can't get pregnant, is that it? not much one can add here or offer advice.
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Old 19th November 2017, 8:11 AM   #40
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Originally Posted by Birdies View Post
I had an affair for ~1.3 years. I wasn't in a bad marriage per se, but we had some serious problems and I didn't have any faith that they would get resolved (H didn't seem to care about my feelings on it), but I still loved and adored him as my best friend of 15 years. A friendship with a married coworker who was on the verge of divorce turned into an affair. We fell in love but never ever planned to be together. We knew we needed to stop it, but when we tried, we would always fall back into it, meanwhile developing stronger and stronger feelings. A complete mess much like you describe. It was terribly selfish of me - I remember thinking "H won't do XYZ to fix our marriage, so I will also be selfish and continue this affair."

Well it all blew up extremely dramatically one night. I had to see how my selfish, cruel actions completely shattered the person who I loved most in the world. It was so heartbreaking, I can't even begin to describe it. We took some time to decide what to do, over months of turmoil and heartbreak and pain, and eventually mutually decided to split up. We thought that recovering from the affair, PLUS trying to fix the underlying issues, would just be too much. I lost the wonderful family I'd had for 15 years and most of my friends, and work was a disaster because the OM is a coworker and his wife went completely scorched earth on him. (She had an affair previously and blamed him and they tried to sweep it under the rug, so frankly I don't have much empathy for her side of things.) Everything was awful, awful, awful.

In my situation, since the OM was already on his way to divorce, we both became single. And we are the extremely rare affair partners who are actually truly in love and compatible in the real world, not just in the little affair bubble. So we are together and our relationship is very solid and wonderful. Even so, it's just been terrible knowing how deeply we hurt the people we loved, knowing that we will always have this as our origin story, all the baggage and guilt that taints the love. Thank god my exH has a new girlfriend and seems really happy. Even though he was gracious to me as our marriage ended, he doesn't really want anything to do with me, so I shattered and then lost my best friend

And this is kind of the best case situation. It usually does NOT end this way. What is extremely likely is that your OM disappears without a trace when the choice comes down to jumping off a cliff with you, versus staying in his marriage. Your marriage could end like mine did - men have a VERY hard time getting over the fact that their wife fcked another man repeatedly in their house. Or, your marriage will be shattered into pieces and you'll have to spend 110% of your energy for years trying to fix it and help your husband heal, while he hates you and is dying with pain. Not to mention, trying to get over OM and heal from that all on your own.

I don't really have anything to say about issue of whether to tell your husband, since I don't have personal experience with that. Just know that either way will be extremely difficult. Unfortunately you've dug yourself into a giant hole and there is NO way to climb out without facing some terrible consequences. But please believe me - the absolute best thing you can do right now is to end the affair before you fall more in love / get more addicted and before it all blows up in your face. It's just a matter of time.
Birdies, thank you so much for sharing your story again. I'm sure you have shared it multiple times here and hopefully it has helped other WS to make sense of what they are going through. I know it's hard for people who hasn't gone through this to understand the turmoil in our heads. One moment i want to end it, the next i am so scared of losing him. I feel like a yo-yo being pushed and pulled back.

At the beginning you are so enveloped in all the positive emotions that you don't even think of the hole you are digging. I was SO SURE i would never cheat. when it started I was SO SURE i would not get emotional. Even my DH would say how in control i usually am with my emotions. But there was some vulnerability in me I guess. Right now, at least i am SO SURE the two lines of feelings for each of them would not merge and make me choose OM over DH. But then again who know, I don't feel like i know myself anymore.

I am glad that it ended well for you. And for your respective BS too. It must be a relief not to have to live a double life but I'm sure you also have to deal with the fallout.

Your last paragraph is probably something i would read and reread. I need to find the strength somewhere to end this. I certainly don't want this to blow up in our faces and hurt the people we love. They are so undeserving. Not to mention they are amazing. My DH and i may not have the most perfect marriage but he has always been there for me and has been completely loyal. Not a day goes by that I don't hate myself for what i am doing to him and i wish so mich i can find a way to release myself from this addiction. I wish it's as easy as just telling OM we are done. But more emotions will have to be dealt with before i am in the right mind to do that.
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Old 19th November 2017, 8:22 AM   #41
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Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
How do you handle these emotions... Is it just too easy to say, don't have an affair.

I can tell you how, tell your husband today. Let him know what is going on, that will give you an indication of where you stand.

Listen to the MW, OW like birdies that are talking to you. THEY KNOW WHAT IS GOING to happen.

Now for Birdies, she married her OM, and I think they are happy.

But based on her posts of late, I am guessing that even she is have some residual guilt over what went down? Am I right about that B?

You are being super na´ve and at some point, this will blow up.

Just be ready for the fall out...
It was probably my na´vetÚ that led me down this path. So naive to think oh we are just old college acquaintances reconnecting. Naive to think a little flirtation through messaging is harmless. It's not like it's gonna go anywhere because we are both committed to our primary relationships. When it got to this point, i even made myself a little list. Make sure the conversations never gets sexual. Don't ever meet up alone. Etc etc. I underestimated how strong the pull of an addiction like this can be. I underestimated how strong our emotions and attachment could get.

We got to the point where we actually made a commitment to each other to make this work instead of just taking it day by day.Somehow, thankfully i am at the point where i'm rethinking everything. I just really need to find that something that will push me to end it. And it can't be at DH's expense. If i have to suffer through this, at least i would rather save him from all that.
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Old 19th November 2017, 8:32 AM   #42
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We got to the point where we actually made a commitment to each other to make this work instead of just taking it day by day.
What does this mean?
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Old 19th November 2017, 11:17 AM   #43
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To DKT 3.
This previous post of mine clearly implies that they are indeed one and the same which is why I suggested that she divorce her husband and try to be with the OM since they are both such special people.


You speak how special your OM is. O.K. Let take a look. This is a man who:
1. Has no problem screwing around on his wife behind her back for years.
2. Has no problem screwing around on his wife behind her back for years having sex with another married woman.
3. Has no problem screwing around on his wife behind her back for years having sex with another married woman knowing that this affair could destroy her marriage and destroy her life.

You are quite right. He clearly is special. Then again so are you. I personally think you should divorce your husband since he clearly is not special and you certainly deserve to be with a special man like your OM.
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Old 19th November 2017, 11:34 AM   #44
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Originally Posted by Marriedow View Post
It was probably my na´vetÚ that led me down this path. So naive to think oh we are just old college acquaintances reconnecting. Naive to think a little flirtation through messaging is harmless. It's not like it's gonna go anywhere because we are both committed to our primary relationships. When it got to this point, i even made myself a little list. Make sure the conversations never gets sexual. Don't ever meet up alone. Etc etc. I underestimated how strong the pull of an addiction like this can be. I underestimated how strong our emotions and attachment could get.

We got to the point where we actually made a commitment to each other to make this work instead of just taking it day by day.Somehow, thankfully i am at the point where i'm rethinking everything. I just really need to find that something that will push me to end it. And it can't be at DH's expense. If i have to suffer through this, at least i would rather save him from all that.
How can you make a commitment to MM. You both are already married. You already made commitments to your spouses. Do those not mean anything to you anymore.



It wasn't your naivete that led you down this path. You entered this affair because you WANTED to and you made a DECISION to do so, including "committing" to each other. Stop rationalizing!

Meanwhile, if you wanted to end this, you would have already. You are still in this affair because you put your own selfish desires to have your cake and eat it too, over your husband's to have a wife who honours her vows. Don't make yourself out to be more noble than you are.

Meanwhile everything you did already IS at DH's expense. He is in a sham of a marriage thanks to your actions. Only he doesn't know it. Remember how badly you are betraying your husband, every time you look at him.
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Old 19th November 2017, 1:14 PM   #45
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If i have to suffer through this, at least i would rather save him from all that.
But it's ok that he is married to someone that doesn't love him?

The only thing he needs to be saved from is his wife.
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