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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 9th November 2017, 4:16 PM   #1
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 10

Hello, I am new to this and coming here for advice. I am lost at this moment and do not know which way to turn. Please do not judge or bash me for I am doing plenty of that to myself.

First of all the problem plain and simple: I cheated on my husband.

Some background: This is our 12th year of marriage and we have one amazing daughter that we both love dearly. The first 10 years of our marriage was wonderful, not to say we didn't have our ups and downs like all marriages but nothing that was major. We both loved each other with everything we had and life was essentially perfect. So I thought. Four years ago, I found out my husband had been talking/texting another woman. I immediately confronted him and was infuriated/hurt/confused. I didn't know what to think. Where did I go wrong? What was I not giving my husband that caused him to seek outside of our marriage? As far as I knew we had always been open and honest about everything. No trust issues whatsoever, sex life was great, we were happy and just living life. Of course he tried to deny it and act like it didn't happen but when I showed him that I found some of the messages and his plan to go to this womans house after I had went to bed that night he fessed up. He said he was lonely and he didn't want anything out of it. He just wanted to feel wanted and see if he still had that potential to get someone else. After acting a complete fool I calmed down and tried to actually think about the situation. This had to be my fault. I wasn't giving him enough attention. I wasn't enough for him when he needed me to be. He was begging for forgiveness and didn't want me to leave. Ok, so I am doing my best to be understanding and forgiving. We move on with me making it a point to make him feel wanted and needed. Bending over backwards to make him feel loved. Yes, I would revert back and have resentment and say nasty things at times referring to the other woman but who wouldn't, right. I was working on getting past it, the comments became less and less. I actually thought things were going to be okay and we were going to be able to move on together. Then, he starts acting funny. wouldn't leave his phone laying around, when he did he made sure to lay it facedown, started smoking a LOT more than normal (no smoking in our house so it gave him the opportunity to be outside more), staying out in shop more often, accusing me of off the wall things. So I ask him if something is going on or if something is wrong. He would tell me I was wrong and overreacting or was feeling guilty for something I must be doing. At this point I had never cheated or even thought about another man in that way. Well one night I looked out the window and noticed him to be a phone that was not his normal phone while he was outside smoking. I didn't say anything and waited for him to go to sleep. After some detective skills I found the phone outside in our shop plugged in to the charger. It was a gophone that he had been texting the same woman as the 1st incident. I woke him up and asked if there was anything he needed to tell me. No there wasn't. blah blah you know he even tried to deny it after I handed him the phone he was hiding. Then we were back to he was so sorry and he loves me yada yada. So we go on and Im working on forgiving him yet again. I decided I needed some time to myself to think so I go to stay at my moms alone for a night or two. But he comes there. And will not leave until I come home. I end up coming home. Then later I literally move my stuff out to a rent house where he comes every night when he gets off work and sits in the driveway. This went on for about a week. I was going crazy. I have never been so upset or lost in my life. I didn't know how to forgive or forget and move on. I wanted to... or did I? So I ended up getting on facebook and messaging an ex. Wrong move, I know but I did it. We started talking more and more. He is a sweet talker and had me in love all over again... or was it lust? I wanted to believe that someone really did love me. My husband ended up finding out. It was terrible. I felt absolutely horrible. I told him the whole truth. I felt like my intentions were to make him feel the pain I was feeling over his "affair." That was honestly what I felt like I was doing but in doing this I started having feelings for the other man. My husband forgave me and I quit talking to the other man. Then the comments came. One after another. Neither of trusted each other. Fight after fight happened. Then along came snapchat. I snap chatted lots of friends and my husband. He had snap chat. He ended up snap chatting my best friend want pictures of her "booty." I called him out. We both delete snapchat. We both delete facebook. The comments of my "affair" kept coming. But the were warranted, right. I deserve it. I quit commenting about the other woman. I still feel horrible, miserable even. About a year I ended up reaching out to the other man again. He consoled me, he was there for me, he said all the right things. I cheated on my husband with this other man. Now what do I do? I love my husband. But how could I do such a thing if I loved him? What is wrong with me? I think all these thoughts but continue to have an affair with the other man. My husband finds out again. He is angry, he is sad, he is heartbroken. I am confused, lost, lonely, I hate myself. He tries to talk to me about it and wants to know why. why did I do this. Why is he number 2? Do I really love him? How can he trust me again? I try to find these answers but I come up with nothing. I don't know why. I do not have an excuse. I eventually come to the conclusion that I am unable to get past his "affair." But in his eyes, that was 4 years ago, she didn't mean anything, and it was only messaging, there were no real feelings, and it feels like it wasn't even real at all. Those are his words. I find myself turning everything into it being about the other woman. I get angry when he asks me about my affair. How do I even have the right to be angry? He shouldn't even be speaking to me after what I have done. I can't get past his messaging affair but I expect him to get past my actual affair? I don't know what im doing anymore. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know what will make me happy. How am I being so selfish to think about what would make me happy? Shouldn't I be thinking about how to make my husband happy? How to make him trust me again? How to make him feel loved and like he is not number 2? I thought I wanted to leave. I thought I wanted out of the marriage. I have still been talking to the other man. I have still even been seeing the other man. My husband is trying to be so understanding and has even been apologizing to me. I do not deserve this man and he deserves SO much more that what I have given him the last couple of years. I know that. But why do I continue to see the other man? Of course my husband is not aware I am still the other man, so im lying. I think all I do is lie anymore. I do not know how to not lie anymore. Im exhausted. I know this whole situation is not being fair to anyone but I can't seem to make myself make a change. I try to leave my husband but I am threatened with him taking our daughter away from me. He argues with me about it in front of our daughter. She is 9 years old. She cries because we fight so much. I feel so guilty on every level and even truly hate myself. But I continue the relationship with other man.... Do I even know what I want?

If anyone actually made it all the way to the end of this post and has any good advice please share it with me.
Losingeverything is offline  
Old 9th November 2017, 4:32 PM   #2
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,071
Its so hard to follow all that with no paragraph breaks!

But my first Q is why do you think your husband's affair was not physical?
grays is offline  
Old 9th November 2017, 4:41 PM   #3
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 10
Unhappy Reply to grays

I apologize. I know it looks a big mess. That how it feels in my head too. I will try to edit it tomorrow and see if I can make it more sense or be easier to follow.

To answer your question: He told me it was not physical. He told me he had been to her house one other time and he went with a friend to move a dresser and that was it.
Losingeverything is offline  


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