Husband's been talking on cell phone with another woman, is that an affair?

[gabmark74]

Husband's been talking on cell phone with another woman, is that an affair?

Before I found the cell phone bill statement, he was cold and distant, hardely ever talking to me. He hardly smiles at me anymore. He stopped touching me, I can't remember him saying "i love you" to me. I stay home to take care of our young children, 4 yrs boy and 1yr girl. I am hard of hearing and unfortunately I will lose my sight in 10 years. I am 30 yrs old and been married for 11 years. I found out by opening his cell phone bill statement. There was two phone numbers, one was a cell and other was a home number. They were unusually long one hour and a half. He was supposed to be working and other times he was out with our son in the park or visiting with his dad in the nursing home while on the phone with OW Other times were after 10 pm, possibly when I went to bed early or when I showered. He called her every day for the past two and half months. Not just once a day, some as high as 5 times a day. We are currently seeing a counselor, only once, but I want answers from him. He says they are just friends; a friend from work. A single divorced 15 yrs. older woman. After a week of knowing, I'd ask him questions about her. He says that she has a great personality and that the relate to eachother really well.

They talk about work and their family problems. Not ours though, which I don't believe him. I don't know what to do, my mother's having a crisis, she's jobless. My sisters are not the caring type. I am without answers, I want to leave him in a second, but I don't think I can raise these children alone. I read the bible to help me out, they say to love your husband and care for your family. But my heart is breaking every day to know what he's doing, calling and sharing and relating etc...

I am still numb, can't think straight sometimes.

 

Am I just overeacting, or is he having an affair?

confused

[DesertDweller]

Hi. I'm sorry for your circumstances. I'm also sorry to say I think your husband is up to no good. I would suggest calling the woman and finding out what is going on. Married men have a habit of lying to the other woman. She may appreciate the truth. I would also guess that this is just a short-lived infatuation. But there's still the problem of why he's doing it. I would suggest posting on the Other Woman/Other Man post for some really good advice. Good luck!

[swirlingdaisy]

I would call her, like the other person suggested. There's a good chance she doesn't even know he's married....he might have lied and told her he's "separated." Let her know you're aware of their many conversations, as per the phone bill..and you're not comfortable with your husband/the father of your children and her having these conversations - and woman to woman, you hope she'll respect your marriage and family. You have nothing to lose, I'd say. He obviously knows you "know" about the phone bills, so it's not a big secret.

 

Have you discussed all this at your counselling session? If not yet, I hope you bring it up.

 

Do you have a priest or pastor or minister you can talk to about all of this? Even if you don't belong to a particular church, find one that's local/that you know of...and see if you can speak to someone there about all you're going through, they can be an amazing support for you - which is what you need right now.

 

Whether he's having an actual physical affair, it's hard to say...but he could be having an emotional one, which is just as wrong. It's just not right for a spouse to communicate "that much" with someone of the opposite sex, it's disrespectful to you and your marriage and children.

 

Keep us posted about how things go if you decide to phone her.

[curly]

I've been an "other woman" and let me tell you, he's definitely up to something outside of your marriage. No one talks to a friend that long. Especially a married man.

 

Call her.... She may not know he's married. Or if she does, he's probably been feeding her lots of BS. Trust me, the other woman gets fed a LOT of lies. Then the two of you can confront him with the truth. He'll have to tell you then.

 

And definitely bring it up in counseling.

 

Sorry to sound harsh but if you have any chance of making your marriage work, you had better recognize it's on very shaky ground. Dealing with an affair is hard enough, but dealing with ignoring the affair will be harder.

[kkat]

I'm sorry you are in this unhappy situation.

 

I'm an ex-OW and I fear that your husband is having an affair, of one form or another.

 

Your husband is involved inappropriately with her. Think of it like this -- if he picked up an innocent hobby (golfing, bowling, stamp collecting, jogging) that took up significant amounts of his time DAILY - and sometimes hours a week - he would mention that to you, right? He didn't mention this new relationship because it is INAPPROPRIATE--whether he is having sex with her right now is irrelevant - it's an inappropriate relationship outside of his marriage.

 

I think he is lying to you straight out.

 

I think all OW are different in the matter of how they would react to a phone call from the wife - so I don't know what you'll hear if you call the supposed OW. But I think if you call her (which I think might be a good idea) I would suggest you try to engage her from the perspective of one human being to another - don't put her down or threaten her or be verbally abusive, which doesn't seem like your style anyway. Just tell her it has come to your attention that she is in a relationship with her husband (you don't have to disclose that you don't know the details of this relationship....) and ask her first if she is aware that he is married to you...see what she says and go from there.

 

Good luck to you.

[Betzim]

I was in the SAME EXACT situation. It was horrible. I kept asking him if he was having an affair and he lied flat out to my face for 6 months. I was shocked because to my knowledge, he had never lied to me before.

 

There is NO WAY he is only talking on the phone to her. In my situation, I used the internet to find the address associated with the home number and drove by one day and saw my husbands car parked outside. I marched up to the door, and demanded to see him. The woman wouldn't even open the door!!!! (But I think up until that point she did not know he was married). At any rate, he slunk out the back door and was SHOCKED to see me. He admitted the affair (what choice did he have?)

 

We are now separated. But what I want to tell you is that one of the major things I regret is not addressing it sooner. The sooner you lay down the law (kick him out or leave yourself) the more chance you will have of saving your marriage. I waited too long and by that time they were in love. So my chances of reconciling are slim. DON'T MAKE THAT MISTAKE. Take control of the situation. He will respect you more for it. Good luck. It is horrible, I know, but pull yourself through one day at a time and you will be fine.

[jonesgirly]

Sorry for your dilemma, gabmark. Your situation sounds eerily similar to mine..........check out the posts, especially more recent ones where I've started to get my groove back. Very little YOU do can change your husbands behavior. He will need to acknowledge his poor behavior (i.e., having a secret "friend" whether or not its physical), acknowledge that he broke your trust and betrayed you, and then work his butt off to repair the damage. YOU did not force him to begin this, no matter how good or bad your marriage was. He's a big boy, making all these choices behind your back all by himself. The first few weeks after you find out something like this suck, to put it bluntly. Its all you can think about, obsess about, wonder about, etc. I'm fairly certain that you cannot skip these feelings, they are perfectly natural. How hurtful of him!

 

Gather your strength and believe in yourself. You deserve fair and respectful treatment. In a marriage, you also deserve your spouses loyalty unless otherwise agreed upon by BOTH of you. His behavior is not fair, nor is it right. Do not settle for less than what YOU want out of your life. You CAN raise your children alone if necessary. In fact, a happier mother makes for happier children..... Do you really feel like a happy person right now?

 

Love your husband the way you want, of course love your children, but most important, care about YOURSELF enough to realize you deserve to be treated the same way in return!