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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 13th September 2017, 10:22 AM   #76
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Originally Posted by Conqueror View Post
Update: I finally told my husband this morning. It was difficult but I don't want to keep it hidden away any longer. He is highly upset. He is not talking to me very much right now. I am just going to patiently wait for him and when he is ready we will deal with it. I feel like crap right now. I am scheduling another counseling session for us also.

At the very least your H knows that you came out and told him and he didn't find out from anyone but you. Just understand that even saying 'hello' to the OM can be a very sensitive thing for a BS where it can be easily perceived that you're opening the door up a crack for this A to resume. Even if in your heart it is over. You know your H would have eventually found out about this and it would probably be a good idea for you to initiate the moving conversation. good luck.
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Old 13th September 2017, 11:14 AM   #77
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Originally Posted by moxamm View Post
so

you break NC with your AP

you hide it from your BH

you are minimizing =Our entire conversation didnt even last 30 seconds. But I agree, it shouldn't have happened at all.=

you put your self first wit no respect to your BH = "At this point, I felt I was completely healed and felt there was no problem speaking to him.=

I want you to read this and tell me what you think
EXACTLY! The " I felt I was completely healed and felt there was no problem speaking to him" is the biggest red flag. I think you're being too subtle as to what is wrong with it and why, moxamm. Affairs, cheating, etc. happen because a cheater's brain changes what's true or important. They don't get it but think they do and dangerously change priorities, values and safeguards. For example, here there are two, not just one, subtle but dangerous assumptions on WS's part in this short statement.

One is the "I felt I was healed" statement. THe word "healed" in affair nomenclature is universally used to refer to the BS's recovery. BUt here, WS has co-opted the term for herself. What has she healed from? Her obsession with OM possibly. Whatever it is, she's twisted the problem, solution and terminology to be about her, not BS.

The problem is what you think NC is and why it's there. As moxamm implied, NC is not for the WS's sake; it's for the BS!! Therefore, the whole process is done with BS driving every aspect, every decision, every response relative to communication between WW and OM after NC. But apparently OP thought that NC was there to deter her and OM. In other words, if WS was "completely healed," then "there was no problem speaking" to OM. In a way, saying she is "healed" sounds like she was victim of a disease and so OP unconsciously coopted the term, thinking of herself as "healed" from her cheating ways as sorf ot a disease. Not a bad way to see it, but putting her 'healing' above her husband's is like putting her desires and pleasure during the affair ahead of her husband's needs, rights and feelings.

Second problem with the statement is the "... felt there was no problem." And so you decided it was okay. This means you don't understand NC and why it's there: It's for BS and should be 100% under his control. You make the contract, but you put BS in charge. That's why NC works; WS agrees to hand over NC operations to BS. That act itself done properly restores BS confidence and trust in WS.

Each step in NC is approved by BS in a way that there can be no question regarding contact. First is the letter composed by WS but approved and mailed by BS. Second and equally as important, is handing over the command center. And that works because WS DEFERS ALL INSTANCES OF NC BREAK TO BS.

That is why it IS a big deal for OP to decide it's okay. No, no, no. BS decides if it's okay to say "Hi," wave or shoot the finger. BS owns NC, not you. And BS might decide that because BS IS HEALED.

Just as a side note and not to the point, I find it offensive and scary to uncover yet another example of 'how they think.' The cheater brain is devious and keeps on producing convoluted thinking about everything. That is why the steps and actions of NC are carefully spelled out. You can't trust the WS to fully grasp the rationale; they need help. The cheater brain is devious and mysterious to the cheater herself.

Last edited by merrmeade; 13th September 2017 at 11:25 AM..
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Old 13th September 2017, 11:58 AM   #78
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Originally Posted by Conqueror View Post
Update: I finally told my husband this morning. It was difficult but I don't want to keep it hidden away any longer. He is highly upset. He is not talking to me very much right now. I am just going to patiently wait for him and when he is ready we will deal with it. I feel like crap right now. I am scheduling another counseling session for us also.
for us .........nooooooooo

first ic for yourself

its clear that you still in the wayward mentality
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Old 14th September 2017, 8:23 AM   #79
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i agree with the user above

Last edited by hammyy2k; 14th September 2017 at 8:33 AM..
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Old 14th September 2017, 9:23 AM   #80
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Originally Posted by Conqueror View Post
Update: I finally told my husband this morning. It was difficult but I don't want to keep it hidden away any longer. He is highly upset. He is not talking to me very much right now. I am just going to patiently wait for him and when he is ready we will deal with it. I feel like crap right now. I am scheduling another counseling session for us also.
Another thing you might want to do is DNA your kids for him. You broke what trust he had in you. It's going through his head if the kids are his.
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Old 14th September 2017, 9:29 AM   #81
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Another thing going his head.

There is no way the OM move here because of a 30 sec conversation.

He is going to assume you started something back up.
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Old 14th September 2017, 9:41 AM   #82
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Another thing you might want to do is DNA your kids for him. You broke what trust he had in you. It's going through his head if the kids are his.
I know this is all the rage, but if the A was nowhere NEAR the time of conception this is ridiculous.

I swear, a so-called expert makes one remark and all his "followers" make it standard procedure.
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Old 14th September 2017, 12:01 PM   #83
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I know this is all the rage, but if the A was nowhere NEAR the time of conception this is ridiculous.

I swear, a so-called expert makes one remark and all his "followers" make it standard procedure.
Just to prove in one way nothing is going on. Just a show of being open with her husband.

Last edited by usa1ah; 14th September 2017 at 2:56 PM..
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Old 14th September 2017, 3:06 PM   #84
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Conqueror, you have to be an open book. Your husband will expect the worst after what you have put him through.

Anything you can do needs to be done if you want to save you marriage.

Find another job so there is never a chance for you to be around the OM.

Every bit of proof you can get to show you haven't been fooling around, be ready with it when he is ready to talk. That is why I suggested the DNA test, its just a way to remove any doubt from your husbands mind that might be there. It's not because I think the kids aren't his.

OP you have no clue how you have damaged your marriage by breaking NC. Just be ready with the truth and ways to verify when the time comes.
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Old 14th September 2017, 3:16 PM   #85
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Originally Posted by knabe View Post
I know this is all the rage, but if the A was nowhere NEAR the time of conception this is ridiculous.

I swear, a so-called expert makes one remark and all his "followers" make it standard procedure.
Here is the thing, she is a known liar. So how does he know she wasn't having sex with this other guy when she got pregnant? Her word?
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Old 14th September 2017, 3:53 PM   #86
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Tell your husband immediately about where this guy lives, how you learned about it & your suspicions. If your husband doesn't hear it form you he will assume the worst.


Then make a plan together to deal with this
Exactly!!! really wise avice
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Old 14th September 2017, 4:01 PM   #87
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Originally Posted by road View Post
Nothing to do with feasible but mandatory that the
house be sold even at a loss.

Another shinning example of why the WW must leave
her job when she works with her OM.

NC, means NO CONTACT, and here you are talking
with the OM as if nothing happened.

1 Tell your BH everything from how you broke NC.
2 Told the OM where you live.
3 Met OMW and child at daughter's school.
4 Your plan to fix this.
a leave the job
b sell the house and move
c go NC with everyone that knows you an OM
so he will not find out where you live.
Exactly!! This is a great example
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Old 14th September 2017, 11:58 PM   #88
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Hi Rose, the OP has already told her husband the complete story. Currently he is very upset with her and is not talking to her. I guess you came in late. Warm wishes.
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Old 15th September 2017, 12:04 AM   #89
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Originally Posted by usa1ah View Post
Another thing going his head.

There is no way the OM move here because of a 30 sec conversation.

He is going to assume you started something back up.
That is a thought for sure but the first thought is, trust is gone again. All the hard work is out the window.

Did your husband and his wife ever speak during DDAY? Just wondering... If his wife feels threatened by this she could very well reach out to your husband or he could contact her to find out wtf is going on with the move etc.
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Old 15th September 2017, 7:28 AM   #90
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Conqueror, update?

Does your BH need some LS support?

This is damage that can be repaired.
Though steps must be taken to ensure
that what has been done is not repeated.
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