hubby jealous accuses me of cheating...

[perfecthubby]

Hello.

 

I dont know if this belongs here but I thought maybe someone here might have a thought on why my husband thinks accuses me of infidelity...

 

I have been married 8 years. My husband is 7 years older. I got married @ 22 years old. We have to children. We were seperated for 1 year in between children. We both have unusual work schedules.

 

Everyone thinks I have the "perfect" husband. He cooks cleans and takes care of the kids, and seems to treat me like a princess. But there is a whole other side that I see. It is jealous vengeful deceitful and mean! He likes to be the martyr..He also LIES!

 

During out seperation we went to counseling. The dr said it seemed as if he thought every man that talked to me wanted to *uck me. my hubby said yes. He also wanted to control everything from what I wore to actually getting angry for things I said or who I was friends with. Well we worked through these issued and he changed... suprise they didnt change for to long...same things are back.

 

He continually is checking up on me anfd then lying about it from computer to changing passwords on cell phones. I have both male and female friends. It is now to the point where I donty share about male friends. I dont lie, I just dont say ant\ything.. but of course he badgers me and snoops etc.. One friend that I went out to lunch with in a group he called and left a very threatening message. The man is married and wont call me... Of course hubby denies it. But I know it was him by phone records. He always accuses and thinks I an having affair. I feel like I am in trouble withmy "dad/hubby" all the time.

 

He lies to me, swears up and down this or that when its a lie. He tells me about some girl @ work thats into him and that she is not his type. Then later she looks like such and such model and he is very attracted to he and he loves the attention. but only becuase its flattering. So I asked what if she was 500lbs, would it be the same? Why doesnt he just fess up? So what everyone is attracted to other people, ah but forever the martyr. The he tells me how somegirl in a bar said kiss me etc. etc. and that she said she wanted to have sex with him, all after 10 minutes and he wasnt coming on to her... please only a hooker would do that. He had to have come on to her and she said I will do your wife to, and he said if I was there...a ll this in front of with some of his friends.. He tells me years later...what? i could go on and on but you get the point.

 

I have always been independent and the more you puc\sh the more I pull. I can be stubborn to put it mildly. I dont want to be part of anyone else. I want to be me and share my life with a partner. I cant leave @ least until my kids are older...Any toughts help or just similar situations and how to cope?

[Moose]

Here's my thoughts. He's cheated on you and he's projecting his guilt towards you. OR, he's got some insecurity issues. I'd bet my dollar on the first one though. You'll have to make that call, when you do, I can provide you with more thoughts.

[izzybelle]

perfecthubby -

 

when i read your story, i felt so much like i was reading a lot of what happened to me about 4 years ago. people always thought my H (now exH) and i had the perfect marriage. both attractive, two great kids, and he too, cooked, cleaned sometimes, and always put on the front that he was the martyr! and he has a MAJOR problem with the truth, he spins reality to suit his purpose and always expected me to be able to keep track of what stories he had told whom, so i wouldn't contradict what he was saying. i found an email he was sending to an old girlfriend one day, describing his typical day to her. it was my typical day, not his, according to his email, i did not much other than sit on my a$$ all day when i got home from work.

 

i, too, was accused of having an affair. in his defense, a number of people, i've found out since, thought i was. i won't go into details, but it got very, very messy and caused a lot of problems for us. i now suspect that he was, at the least, having an emotional affair with the woman he just married. whos friends, by the way, were instrumental in spreading the rumors about my suspected affair. he believed them over me, couldn't understand why they would lie to him! well, duh, i tried to tell him what i thought was going on, but he thought i was lying and covering up. the fact that he believed others over me, said a lot to me about my relationship with him. we had a lot of other problems and that whole mess was a part of the great undoing. and i grew to hate the accusations and tension that was always in our house. i withdrew from my homelife and my kids and finally knew that there was no fixing it and for my own sanity, i got out. my kids were 8 and 10 when we filed for divorce and while there have been some rough spots, they've survived remarkably well.

 

i too, am stubborn to a fault, and the more he pushed, the more i pulled back until i had pulled back so far, there was no going back. if you can get him to go to counseling, i think that's a good start, and from what you've described may be your only hope. sorry, i don't mean to sound so negative, and i know each situation is different. i don't have any other good advice, other than that, because i could find nothing that worked for me.

 

izzy

[JadeStar]

Hi I think it may be one of two things. Either he is transferring his guilty feelings over onto you because of something he has done or there might be some patholoigical jealousy going on. Another poster told me about that when replying to a post I made once. Never even heard of it until recently. This is a little about what that is.

 

>>>>Patholoigcal jealousy or delusional jealousy is when a person holds a belief, which is wrong, that a partner (e.g. husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend) is being unfaithful to them.

>>>> The person usually goes to great lengths to find eveidence, that this is the case and will often draw mistaken conclusions from events or objects that they think is eveidence, even when they are obviously not.

 

Usually stems from a controling childhood. Or something tramatic. Its all part of control, and insecurity. Does this sound like your husband? Like I said it may be one of those things, but if you all have already been to counseling and hes not willing to try, then theres not alot more you can do except probably move on. Its not healthy to live like that.

 

 

Jade

[Sweetz]

I use to do the same thing to my husband: check his cell phone, ask him a million questions, get mad if he talked to other women, accuse him of cheating. All along, I was the one who was cheating on him. It's insecurity manifesting itself.

[StillHurtin]

My H also did the very samething. I couldn't go out w/ my friends to the bars w/o getting drilled w/ questions when I got home. He would always ask me who bought me drinks, who did I flirt w/, who flirted w/ me, who did I f@ck, it was so annoying I finally stopped going out b/c of it. 11 years into our M HE was the one that ended up having an A. I asked him why he kept accussing me of having an A when he was the one that did. He told me he was jealous of me, thought I could have someone better than him, and was always worried that I would leave him for someone else. He said I was basically too good for him. Since the A he doesn't accuse me of messing around w/ other guys. I hope that your H isn't or doesn't have an A. It sounds like he maybe insecure. I would continue counseling. GL!

[Sal Paradise]

He's probably cheating on you. Even if he isn't he sounds like a horrible person to be married to. At some point this controlling nature of his could cause him to become violent. You say you can't leave until your kids are older but thats is crap. The kids are more perceptive than you think. They can see your unhappiness. Also think of the example he is setting for your children. I strongly suggest you to either issue him a ultimatum to change, or for you to leave. The kids will better off with two happy parents. You're obviously not happy together. You owe to them. And you owe to yourself.

[HoneyWheat]

Originally posted by Moose

Here's my thoughts. He's cheated on you and he's projecting his guilt towards you. OR, he's got some insecurity issues. I'd bet my dollar on the first one though. You'll have to make that call, when you do, I can provide you with more thoughts.

 

let's say that a person has cheated and is projecting it on the faithful party by making accusations etc...how does the faithful party who thinks the cheater might have a need to confess his infidelity broach the topic? ie, do you ask if the person has a confession to make or what?

 

 

I'm thinking the guilt must be eating them up

 

or perhaps the person becomes afraid of losing the faithful spouse, what is known as insecurity, and yet wanting to hold onto the relationship by making the accusations.

 

i don't think they really want to lose the faithful spouse...do they?