You sure you want your wayward spouse back?

[utterlyheartbroken]

To all that go and have gone through this. This post of experience is for you. And some of you may remeince about this and a lot of you may not even agree but to beable to understand you have to put yourself in that persons shoes and think from their point of view and not your own before you can be able to agree. I am 22 1/2 going on 23 in June.

 

My husband left me and our new and only child behind. He lied most of the time we were together. I was the one that knew that he was with OW as well as doing drugs,alcohol, and sexual acts. I listened to that woman intution that we all as women have. That's how I knew. I called him on it repeatedly and as always got the infemious lie," No, I'm not cheating on you I love you why would I do that if I love you your just paranoid." Same old same old. Finally I had enough one day and just snapped. Him and I were going off on each other and he said he was finally moving out. He was sick of my crap and was getting out while he still could. Then later continued to change his story on why he was really moving out. I knew in my heart that it was the right move for him and I.

 

He left at the darnest time. The day before Thanksgiving. When we are all suppose to be thinking about what we are all thankful for. All I could think about was how thankful I was to have our daughter, and to have God and my family in my life and to be alive. Evenually the rest of what I was thankful for came to me one day when I was pondering. Him being moved out and his continuious problems that he was trying to blame on me was starting to get me realizing that I was thankful for him being out. Now it's a New Year and Mother's Day is coming up soon and I am thankful for being a young woman in a day in age where woman are empowered and can do anything that they put their minds,bodies, and spirits too. And we are continuing to see our strength through each others trials and tribulations. I have learned that the butterfly effect doesn't apply in this. Most men come back that's never the real question it's when he comes back what will I do? Will I allow him to continue to abuse me? What in myself as well as him has changed? And the biggest mistake as women that we make is that we allow them to come back without even proving themselves to us.

 

Well I'm not one to allow a man to not prove that he has changed to me. Abuse is learned. Men were the ones that taught us as women and now some women even do it today as well as in history. The reason I say men did it is because men are physically stronger and plus God made men the head of household and I think men back then automatically thought that since God made them the head of household that that means that they could do whatever it was that they wanted too and they'd have no conseqences. God NEVER accepted abuse and yet that is why to this very day there are debates about it. I am talking about abuse heavly because that is what divorce is. When it comes down to it. It's the easiest way out of a situation when a person that has all these extra responsibilies on their hands can't take it and doesn't want to admit their faults and problems and change for the better. Our society in this country today has made divorce ok because they are just like these people out there that don't want to handle the extra responsiblities and try make the other person feel guilty and responsible for something that was NEVER their fault in the first place. Our society is at fault for this gross and sickening behaviour that is going on. And if we as the ones who believe in families and in love want to do something about it and stand up against our perverted society then we must ban together and stand up against the gross evil that has germinated our lives for decades.

 

So if you want your husband or wife back you'll have to let them go and let them live their life the way they want to live it but no this if there is any inkling of care for you that they have then they'll be back to you sometime in the future. Know that the truth ALWAYS catches up with you and with knock them off their feet and slap them in the face the same way it knocks and slaps all of us when the time comes for it too. Believe in your love by letting your loved one go and they'll learn the hard way the way all stubborn people learn. I know all this from experience and observing others. It works. All except 1 guy has came back to me. And not a one were worth it. I had to let them go and repick my life up and change somethings about myself to learn that. But it doesn't really hit you until that person that you are falling all over right now comes back to you later. I know that you feel guilty, helpless,worthless, like you'll never amount to anything again but that is what made me realize that I was being abused and I didn't even know it until now. I feel the same way right now but I have learned that these feelings are not my own they are my signifigant others feelings. My signifigant other used a very well known tactic that is used only when manipulation happens. I was manipulated to feel things that weren't my feelings. I was guilt tripped into feeling feelings I've never felt and some I had felt but all because they used the name of love against me. Don't feel bad. It happens to us all everytime. We don't have printed on us sucker or pathetic. We are simply ones that are hopeless romantics. We love love. We love the feeling it brings and yet we can't stand when it brings us down. But we couldn't feel love any other way.

 

It's those people that I desribed before that are scared,helpless,pathetic,etc.,people out there that use and abuse us. Some of them do it because like I said before it's learned response others do it because they automatically don't think they deserve to be happy because they have MAJOR self-esteam problems. And others do it because their just scared and instead of admitting they make things worse by making up excuses. And then there's people out their that get off on just hurting people. That could either be automatically taught to them or they could have just decided it themselves to do it because they are mean-spirited. There are a slew of reasons why people do this kind of behaviour and each person is different. Some have disorders and refuse to admit that they have a problem. Others it's just taught to them through being abused themselves. The list is endless.

 

But their is hope at the end of the tunnel but only if YOU want there to be. You have to decide weather you want to move on or not? Counceling doesn't do anything but makes it worse and takes your money so your choices are you move on with your life and stay married (that is if your spouse hasn't filed and is just saying it to say it) and wait for them to come back or you allow that OW/OM to run your life and get the divorce. It's up to you. You can't expect just your spouse to change you have to too. That's just the way the rules of love are played. Either you play them the way they are to be played or you get played. The choice is up to you. I have heard people say to me you are crazy,stupid,etc. in not divorcing him and moving on. I ask them this. What is a divorce but a piece of paper telling me that I'm no longer legally married to that person, how is that suppose to help me move on? That isn't going to make me move on or help me feel any better. Our friends and family think they know but they don't. Not even the ones that got divorces know what it's like. They were willing to give up. Me, I care about love and want to stay there. No, it's not a hopeless journey it's just the way the rules of love are played. In the long run you evenually get what you want. And if later if the time comes where you and your partner have looked at everything and maybe even tried again and if it doesn't work out you can sit back and say honestly that you did everything that love asked and you asked of love to do. That's all you can do.

 

And then you have experienced something that you've never experienced before and can learn from your mistake and move on. That's all that can be done. So there are my experiences. I hope all that read this have gotten something positive out of this and have hope again in the lives. Your world continuely crumbles and what always happens when that happens? You simply pick up the pieces and begin again. And then evenually you end up with this amazing and beautiful work of art called Life. I know this is a lot to have read but it is important that you read all of what I have written out. These are my personal one on one experiences so far in my life. And it continues to evolve and move. Please take everything I have said to heart and look at it wisely.

 

Sincerely,

Elizabeth

[utterlyheartbroken]

I have also figured out recently from talking with my husbands OW over the phone that she so desperately believes that my husband is going to leave his family for her now granted him and her are still "kicking it" with each other but I know that he won't do anything drastic like that because he and I are emotionally attached to each other and him and her aren't. It's all just about sex,drugs,alcohol,money, and power that's it. I have realized that she is so jealous of me because I have something that she doesn't have power wise and that is that I'm the wife and not her. It's a power struggle that she has that she will never get through. Especially when him and I are emotionally attached to each other. Even though he isn't showing that to her or to me I know him better than she does and that is another thing that drives her batty is that I know him better than she does. So if you really look at it cheating has all to do with power. Who has it. Your spouse that is cheating? The other woman or man? Or you? And are you and your spouse emotionally attached to each other or only physically attached? And don't think that men are the only ones that think physical woman do too. And don't think that there aren't men out there that can't be in a relationship with a woman and be emotionally attached to her because they do exsist. And no their not all gay or gay at all. Contrary to what most people think no not all the best good looking or best guys out there are gay. And what we call taming them it's not taming it's getting them to open up and see their sensitive side. Which again doesn't make them gay just because they have a sensitive side. Again our sick,perverted society has made it look and feel that way when it's not all true. Our society is the one that has confused us all. Just thought I'd let all know that about the O/W O/M.

 

Sincerely,

Elizabeth

[midori]

Hello everyone,

 

Utterlyheartbroken's two posts originally appeared in another thread that was thematically related but ultimately about a different person's particular issue. These posts belonged in their own thread; here it is.

 

Best,

midori