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Crossing the Cheating Boundary


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This doesn't have to do specifically with my current situation -for those who know about. I just have questions on cheaters in general so I'd like answers that refer to the question in general. I just have questions on cheaters/cheating after reading a lot of these posts. Also, I've been cheated on in the past.

 

If someone starts to cheat---say they flirt heavily with someone or kiss someone---are they more likely to go further with it? I mean, is there a boundary they cross and once they cross it, they're more likely to repeat it? I think I read that somewhere but can't remember where.

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In one case I was flirting with someone (harmlessly, or so I thought) and he made a pass and that snapped me back. Nothing serious happened (fanny pat) but I told hubby about it because it upset me. Didn't upset hubby at all--he knows he can trust me 100%. I don't know that there is a pattern, I think (just my opinion) circumstance and individuality makes each case unique. I was so confident in myself that I never would have dreamed of having an affair with this guy. I knew better, but I didn't recognize that my humorous 'flirting' was sending a signal that I didn't want to send. Talk about naive! :o

 

I wonder if there are any patterns that have been researched? Interesting question. It seems like there would have to be a mental boundary they cross before they actually act upon the verbal flirtation. I never thought to ask the guy what made him decide to take the next step from flirting to touching. He knew I was married and I never would have taken him for the kind of guy that would deliberately take that step. Now you have made me wonder how much 'power' flirting has over others' changing their moral boundaries; or how well defined our own boundaries are. I say I would never cheat, and I trust myself 100% to never cheat, but I wonder if there is anything or anyone who, over a period of time, could influence my own boundaries? I can't imagine it ever happening. That would be, to me, like taking a life and I could never do that except in defense of my family or myself. But I could do it under those conditions, so what, if any, conditions would lead me to the decision to cheat? Hmm...

 

 

I mean, is there a boundary they cross and once they cross it, they're more likely to repeat it?
That kind of makes sense though. When I was younger I NEVER used a swear word and I remember when I wanted to fit in and began hanging around with some people who swore I started to swear also. It felt funny at first and I felt like my mother was listening to me, but once I crossed the line and did NOT get into trouble it became very comfortable---until I forgot myself and swore in front of my mother! (Ivory soap tastes horrible!) Maybe it's like that?
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Good point--with the swearing. I probably didn't swear till I was in my 20's and then some friends of mine did so I started to. Now, I do but try to catch myself beforehand.

 

In the house I grew up in, swearing just didn't happen.

 

I never thought I'd hear my mom swear--ever. But you know, it happens so much in our society now, it probably doesn't seem like that big a deal. On maybe two occasions, I've heard her use the word s***. I never thought that would come out of her mouth. She's 80 years old.

 

Good point!

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With the exception of serial cheaters, I'd say that people cheat because their self-esteem is low. It bolsters the ego very nicely, when you're feeling kind of down in your day-to-day life to have an attractive person of the opposite sex pay attention to you.

 

I've read many of your posts, including the ones that you made initially. In those posts you appeared to be a man who was sexually unfulfilled in his marriage.....married 15 years, with children. Is this representative of the man who you are currently attracted to?

 

If so, I would say that his flirtation with you is building an already battered male ego. It's damaging to a man's self-esteem to be sexually starved in a relationship. Also, if it's the same man from 6 months ago, I'd say that if cheating came naturally to him he'd have acted on it in a more aggressive manner by now.

 

His flirtation with infidelity would appear to be causing him mixed feelings, hence his lack of dedication in developing an extramarital relationship. And if he's not a cheater by nature, it could well damage him more in the self-esteem department in the long run. People who truly believe in fidelity and monogamy will feel very guilty if they act outside their own belief system. In their minds, they have lost integrity.

 

These are generalizations of course, since we have no way of knowing what's really going on in his mind. He's not here to represent himself.

 

But if he fits the bill in any way, you might consider being a real friend to him, and encouraging him to sort all that out...before he does anything that he'll have trouble living with.

 

Just my 2 cents.

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As I stated at the beginning, this didn't have to do with my situation and I didn't want to turn it into a thread about that.

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LucreziaBorgia

1. If someone starts to cheat---say they flirt heavily with someone or kiss someone---are they more likely to go further with it?

2. I mean, is there a boundary they cross and once they cross it,

3. they're more likely to repeat it?

 

1. All of it depends entirely on the emotional investment they have in their partner, and how willing they are to risk losing it. Its a matter of weighing the risks/benefits.

If there is little chance they will get caught, then the benefits outweigh the risks.

If they don't feel they have much to lose, then the benefits outweigh the risks.

If they know that their partner will forgive it, regardless - then the benefits outweigh the risks.

 

2. The boundary is crossed the second they let the benefits outweigh the risks. This doesn't even have to be a physical boundary. It can be something as simple as eye contact and intent. Once that decision is made to reap the benefits and take a chance with the risk - the boundary is crossed, despite whether anything physical happens.

 

3. Yes, if the person is in a situation where cheating is enabled, and there is never a time where there is a real risk of losing anything.

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Originally posted by liswil

As I stated at the beginning, this didn't have to do with my situation and I didn't want to turn it into a thread about that.

 

Oooops! My bad. :o

 

It's a good thing I wasn't disarming a bomb...because apparently I failed to follow instructions. :laugh:

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Originally posted by liswil

...If someone starts to cheat---say they flirt heavily with someone or kiss someone---are they more likely to go further with it?

 

I know you are referring to a process over time, but often the escalation can take you by surprise all at once.

 

I've done some research on this - I came to LS after finding out that my wife made out with a stranger on a girls-only weekend at the beach.

 

Not only is everything that LucreziaBorgia said dead-on, but additionally there are chemical processes that make heavy flirting and/or kissing a natural springboard to further physical contact.

 

Once the hormones kick in, it can become difficult to turn back. Your physical desire can cloud your ability to make judgments. Pheremones are extremely powerful - I read that a woman's menstrual cycle can be altered by just 20 minutes exposure.

 

I smile when I read about how people get swept away by a partner; how the chemistry with the other person is so right. Funny thing is they are correct, but not in the way that they think. It has less to do with the "soul mate" thing than with the chemical processes of our own bodies.

 

Either way, danger is danger, and the best way to stay out of it is to avoid it altogether.

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I agree that the line is drawn when intent is formed, but I also think that people manage to fall for each other without any intent at all. IMHO, you cannot have an intimate friendship (translated as sharing details about your personal life and feelings and spending time together without others around) with someone who's married or if you're married, yourself.

 

Long before any body parts touch can come an emotional connection so powerful that it will lead to an affair and that's as dangerous, or even worse, than a necking session. But certainly once people are laying lips on each other the line has already been crossed.

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Originally posted by Ladyjane14

Oooops! My bad. :o

 

It's a good thing I wasn't disarming a bomb...because apparently I failed to follow instructions. :laugh:

 

That's ok. I just didn't want to cloud the topic with that.

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