IanI Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 I normally wouldn't write out my problems on a forum, but I've been left so exhausted by my husband's behavior. We've been married for 5 years now, no kids. During our second year of marriage, I discovered that he got a second email account and was emailing dirty messages to women on craigslist casual encounters and asking to meet another woman he met on facebook (she declined). I was so angry and he promised this would never happen again. He made the excuse that it wasn't serious and he felt like we weren't having enough sex, so it was just an outlet and never intended to meet anyone. He begged and begged and apologized and promised if he ever did it again that he would understand if I left. I took him back and we improved on our sexual issues. Fast forward the next year and I return home from a convention and out he had an email left in his draft email responding to a dirty casual encounter and this time he wrote that he could come over as soon as he was off work. I confronted him about and he was so angry, saying that I was in his personal stuff and he didn't do anything. I'd had enough of it and separated from him for what turned out to be about 8 months. In that time, he went to counseling and seemed to be making a lot of positive changes. Long story short, I took him back because surely he figured it out by now, and everyone around me was encouraging us to get back together... Now I'm preparing to move back together again, until he visited me and I had the urge to look at his computer..it looks like in his history folder that he registered an account on OKCupid..I haven't said anything about it, but I just feel done, exhausted and my self esteem is so poor now. I don't know what else I can do about this marriage. I just feel completely out of my mind dealing with this..yes i know I shouldn't go snooping around but, I don't understand why he wants to be married? I consider this cheating, doesn't anyone else?
hippychick3 Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Yes, it is cheating. You've given him enough chances to redeem himself and he has not. He most likely will never change. I'm sorry, but if you stay with him you'll be letting him know you condone his cheating. 3
Scarlett.O'hara Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 (edited) It isn't just cyber cheating if he is trying to arrange dates. You did the right thing to check his emails given his past behavior. Thank goodness you did because now you know the truth. He is unable to remain faithful, the counselling hasn't helped, he is still lying and cannot be trusted. I wouldn't recommend reconciling with him. It will do more damage to you in the long run. Edited December 21, 2015 by Scarlett.O'hara 3
Grumpybutfun Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 He is a cheater...This is in your court! G 1
bathtub-row Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Please don't reconcile with him again. This behavior will only worsen over the years. Count yourself very, very lucky that you have no children with this idiot. You're able to walk away and never deal with him again. And I'd strongly advise you to do just that. 3
Gracie_1 Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 I saw this quote the other day and when I read your post I thought about what it said.. "Never trust a person that has let you down more than two times. Once was a lesson, twice was a warning and anything after that is simply taking advantage." I don't know your husband but I know that the behavior he is displaying is part of an addiction. I am not saying that to make excuses for what he is doing. What you found on his laptop is probably the tip of the iceberg. Requesting to meet up with someone is not just cyber sex. It is dangerous and if I were you I would be worried about my health. He is not being honest with you, he has showed you who he is with his actions. Thinking with your heart could cost you dearly. "Knowing when to walk away is Wisdom. Being able to is Courage. Walking away with your head held high is Dignity." Take care of yourself, come here for support. You deserve better. 5
whichwayisup Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 You have no kids so really there's nothing tying you to him. He's proven over and over again that he can't/won't be faithful and that he needs attention from plenty of women. You don't trust him and it's not like he's genuinely sorry for his behaviour, instead he gets mad at you for invading his privacy. Maybe it's time to think divorce. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 You have no kids so really there's nothing tying you to him. He's proven over and over again that he can't/won't be faithful and that he needs attention from plenty of women. You don't trust him and it's not like he's genuinely sorry for his behaviour, instead he gets mad at you for invading his privacy. Maybe it's time to think divorce. From someone who spent six years battling this garbage out with her husband only to go back and forth until he hit a bottom: YOU HAVE NO KIDS, RUN! You can't imagine the extended pain if you bring kids into a relationship like this. He is already doing high-risk behaviours and is highly defensive about it. He went to counseling and has gone through a separation. He doesn't get it. Forget it. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 It isn't just cyber cheating if he is trying to arrange dates. You did the right thing to check his emails given his past behavior. Thank goodness you did because now you know the truth. He is unable to remain faithful, the counselling hasn't helped, he is still lying and cannot be trusted. I wouldn't recommend reconciling with him. It will do more damage to you in the long run. My thoughts exactly! This has gone WAY beyond cyber cheating my friend. You not only married a cheater but a compulsive liar who is gaslighting you every chance he gets. And whose to say he hasn't actually met someone already? My guess would be "Hell Yeah!". I'm sorry for what you're going through but three times is MORE than HE deserves. I would have kicked his a** to the curb after the first f*ck up and never looked back with regret. Don't you deserve better than this? I think you do. Time to show him the door. ((Hugs))
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 IanI look in the mirror and tell the person looking back at you: "By staying with this no-good piece-a-schytt, you enable and condone his actions, give him permission to treat you like dirt, wipe his feet on you, and continue in behaviour which ultimately will destroy who you are and leave you like a discarded, useless worn-out shell who you will no longer recognise. Where is your strength? Where is your dignity? What would your mother tell you, now? Right now? What would your very best friend, tell you now? Right now? They would urge you to not do this to yourself. What he is doing is merely an indication of what a low-level scum-dweller he is. What YOU Do - will indicate just how much, or little, you think of yourself. Do the right thing. And Fast." If needs be, write all that out, and read it aloud to yourself, and keep reading it until you are far, far away....
Friskyone4u Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 I basically agree with the others, but one question. While you were in this 8 month separation, I am assuming you two both AGREED that there was to be no dating and no sex with others. If that was clearly stipulated, and as long as YOU did not go out or communicate romantically with other men, then OKC while separate is still a big deal. If you dated or slept with anyone else, and I assume you did not, then you have nothing to be poissed off about about anything done while separated and him not knowing if you would reconcile. Just because he did it BEFORE you separated does not make it OK for you to do it while separated but not him. So, again assuming you stayed "clean" and faithful, you are correct in being at wits end. He has a problem that is not fixed yet, and you would be silly NOT to snoop big time if you reconcile. As a matter of fact, TOTAL TRANSPARENCY is one of the foundations of reconconciliation so I would not call it snooping. He should be turning every password of every electronic device over to you voluntarily.
Author IanI Posted December 21, 2015 Author Posted December 21, 2015 I basically agree with the others, but one question. While you were in this 8 month separation, I am assuming you two both AGREED that there was to be no dating and no sex with others. If that was clearly stipulated, and as long as YOU did not go out or communicate romantically with other men, then OKC while separate is still a big deal. If you dated or slept with anyone else, and I assume you did not, then you have nothing to be poissed off about about anything done while separated and him not knowing if you would reconcile. Just because he did it BEFORE you separated does not make it OK for you to do it while separated but not him. So, again assuming you stayed "clean" and faithful, you are correct in being at wits end. He has a problem that is not fixed yet, and you would be silly NOT to snoop big time if you reconcile. As a matter of fact, TOTAL TRANSPARENCY is one of the foundations of reconconciliation so I would not call it snooping. He should be turning every password of every electronic device over to you voluntarily. I see what you mean, but let me clarify because I wasn't really clear about that part. We reconciled about 5 months ago, but we've been living in different states since the separation. Part of our reconciliation was that I found a new job so I could move there with him. I found the OKC during one of his visits. You're right. There should have been the type of transparency to where I wouldn't have to snoop, but I know now why he wasn't willing to give anything up.
Lurkeraspect Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 If you take him back you're just signing up for more if the same. He's very clearly shown you who he is; a cheater. I really hope you'll think long and hard about this. Divorce should be realitively painless as you don't have children to consider. Personally, I would waste another hour. Let him have his sleezy CL and OKC encounters. Lawyer up.
VeveCakes Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Yes its cheating. Hes probably addicted to Craigslist dirties. I wouldn't sleep with this person until they have been tested. You deserve better.
Author IanI Posted December 21, 2015 Author Posted December 21, 2015 Thanks to everyone for replying. It's reassuring to know that I'm doing the right thing by leaving him. I know marriage is work and needs forgiveness, but I've done my part one time too many. It's hard to be 33 and suddenly be single when it seems everybody else my age is in the middle of building their families, but I guess that's how life goes. I'm going to make a plan for myself and then confront him to let him know that we're over. 2
BetrayedH Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Thanks to everyone for replying. It's reassuring to know that I'm doing the right thing by leaving him. I know marriage is work and needs forgiveness, but I've done my part one time too many. It's hard to be 33 and suddenly be single when it seems everybody else my age is in the middle of building their families, but I guess that's how life goes. I'm going to make a plan for myself and then confront him to let him know that we're over. This is a good plan. And quite frankly, divorce at your age isn't the end of the world. You're a wiser woman now and know both what you want and how to be a good partner in a relationship. You'll bring plenty to the table. I divorced in my early 40s and while it was traumatic at the time, life has gone on and I'm happier with my current SO than I ever was with my wife. As for your H, you might see more serious change from him if you separate and file. If you see remorse that is sufficient for you to consider giving it another try, you can always pause the proceedings. But I'd say that anything short of separation and filing isn't going to be taken seriously. And considering that you've essentially been down this road before (at least as far as a separation is concerned), I would expect much but a repeat performance from him. It really seems that he's left you little choice but to cut your losses. 1
turnera Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 IanI, he doesn't love you. He married you so he has a mother/maid/sex partner at home. That's your role. The REST of his life, his REAL life, is screwing any woman he can talk into it. To him, you're just dumb enough to put up with it.
turnera Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Thanks to everyone for replying. It's reassuring to know that I'm doing the right thing by leaving him. I know marriage is work and needs forgiveness, but I've done my part one time too many. It's hard to be 33 and suddenly be single when it seems everybody else my age is in the middle of building their families, but I guess that's how life goes. I'm going to make a plan for myself and then confront him to let him know that we're over. My brother never even married until he was 35. He's just now divorced at 60 and he's having the time of his life! He's dating so many women he can't keep them straight. He's taking salsa lessons! He's never been happier. Just sayin'...33? You're a BABY! You have SO much of your life ahead of you, you have no idea. And, no offense to the divorced women with kids...but a divorced woman in her 30s with NO kids? Holy cow! you have no idea how desireable you are going to be once you're divorced. You'll have guys in their 20s all the way to guys in their 50s wanting to take you out. Oh, and if I were you, I'd just get my stuff together, talk to my lawyer, and just mail him the divorce papers. No need for a confrontation. 2
RightThere Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Thanks to everyone for replying. It's reassuring to know that I'm doing the right thing by leaving him. I know marriage is work and needs forgiveness, but I've done my part one time too many. It's hard to be 33 and suddenly be single when it seems everybody else my age is in the middle of building their families, but I guess that's how life goes. I'm going to make a plan for myself and then confront him to let him know that we're over. Don't sweat that at all. When I finally had enough of my cheating ex, I was 38, (temporarily) unemployed, and had a 5 year old. And I gave my ex more chances than I have fingers. Although life isn't turning out how you planned it in your head, your life it turning out exactly how your life is SUPPOSED to turn out. Believe me, once you are free from that debilitating baggage, you will feel so much better and allow yourself to be the source of your own happiness. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Thanks to everyone for replying. It's reassuring to know that I'm doing the right thing by leaving him. I know marriage is work and needs forgiveness, but I've done my part one time too many. It's hard to be 33 and suddenly be single when it seems everybody else my age is in the middle of building their families, but I guess that's how life goes. I'm going to make a plan for myself and then confront him to let him know that we're over. Glad you've made a decision. One thing we lose sight of when surrounded by all this drama and negativity is that there are relationships out there which are actually fulfilling, affirming and satisfying on many levels - some people are actually happy ! Hope someday that includes you... Mr. Lucky 1
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