She had an ONS, now she's "SOOOOOO" "remorseful" and wants to save the marriage

[GrandFunkRailroad]

Well, I've been lurking here as well as in other sites for a while and finally decided to post so it's actually my first thread here. The story is long so to make it easier and or for the sake of overview I'll post the basics here. If necessary I will expand later on the details given that they are relevant for the discussion. Anyway, we're both in our late 40's, four children (with special needs) Married slightly over 20 years; so far solid and good marriage. As with every marriage and all things in life, there were problems but always solved for the better. Communication and connection was never a problem; so was sex and intimacy. Actually in that department it was amazing. Besides, I gave my wife, always attention and validation, made her feel loved and desired all the time. I was working normal hours, being home in the late afternoon and the weekend and home. Romance, night date and so on was always here. Although we are more a traditional couple, helping at home was never a problem. I did everything and always, not out of obligation but love. Actually, I did more than my fair share. Financially, we were o.k. Nothing was missing here to. It's not only me saying this, but she self insists on that saying she doesn't know what got into her (bull****, in my mind she knows exactly what it was), that it is not my fault but only her **** (which make me want to flee ASAP) and reassuring all the time that she doesn't blame me but only herself (blah, blah, blah cause if it was so good why was it so bad.

 

Yet, despite of everything, she managed to betray and stab me in the back in the worst way. I am a former soldier in an elite unite and I must say her betrayal and ambush is far more worse and the hate I feel right now towards her is much bigger than I felt towards whatever enemy we fought. At least, when it comes to an enemy, you expect that; you definitely do not expect such kind of betrayal from the woman that supposed to be your wife. Long story short, the last month I sensed something was wrong with her. She was not behaving as always and her moods were not good most of the time. She told me there were problem at work because personal changes in the management. So, it got to the point she wanted to quit the job and therefore her moods. Well, at that point it sounded not really reliable so I decided to see if something happens or changes in her behavior. I was suspicious but still not in the direction of cheating. Anyway, a week ago she dropped the bomb and confessed to an ONS which was the reason for what I was sensing. She works in a large national corporation where once in a while they arrange evenings for the workers and it allegedly happened at that evening; according, to her statement it was one time encounter. She drank too much, it got out of control and they slept together.

 

Immediately afterwards, she also tried to convince me how awful the experience was, the guilt, shame, remorse, regret and the devastation according to her story began to eat at her alive. She cut at the same evening all contact with the POS, quit the job (waiting till the confession to tell me), asked to be referred to another department in the meantime (without telling me and till she stops to work) and was one week home before the confession (while telling me and them she's seek, and doesn't feel well, also telling me nothing at that point and according to her statement preparing to confess her affair). Why did she plan everything so well? According to her confession, she was devastated, in panic, distraught and was afraid that confessing in that state of mind of hers will damage the marriage beyond repair, that it will undermine any chance at reconciliation and recovery and that there is nothing more she wants than to save the marriage, to get another chance, to right the wrong, to make it up to me and blah, blah, blah. I was really amazed at her impertinence thinking that I would give her any second chance, consider reconciling with her and stay married to that evil tart.

 

Using the time after her confession to read almost an un-endless number of site and forums I must say that I have exposed my-self to the pathetic "reconciliation and recovery industry". It is really beyond my mind how a self-respecting man (as well as woman) can accept and give such woman a second chance. I am sorry, this is maybe politically, but although I not religious for me she's tainted, she's damaged good. What else is there to say, to do or to consider? Nothing! I also don't by all this remorse show. That's bull**** in my eyes. As if it's impossible to fake remorse and as if that's the only problem with infidelity. She broke the trust, she created an insurmountable imbalance and injustice; she tainted the love and destroyed it. But, WOOOOW, now she's SOOOO remorseful, SO, SO, remorseful and I should buy it. She can be remorseful how much she wants, but she will not get the prize for riding some other dude's cock without consequences. In fact, seeing her allegedly in that remorse makes me ****ing raging inside and I mean I didn't go here really into details because it's too long ANYWAY. If someone hasn't seen the remorse of her, I think no one has seen "true" remorse in his life (or at least a good show of remorse). Yet, what should I suppose to do, let her walk without consequences and thus encourage more of her behavior and cheating. This is not going to happen. I am not going to forgive her and if I'll forgive, that'll be for me and she’ll never know it. If I'll forgive and let her know, I will not reconcile with her. If I'll do reconcile with her, I will never give her a second chance. Cheating is not a poor mistake or a bad choice; it is an intentional or at least a conscious act of evil. There is no way I'll put myself with such a person and danger to be hurt again.

 

Anyway, right now I am not really in good shape and state of mind. Actually, initially I did not take it well. There was no violence whatsoever on my part, but I was really not the most nice person on earth. After the confession, I left home for almost two days and cut all the contact with her for that period of time. Actually, I cut the contact with everyone so that she can't find me and mess more with my mind. I am not interested in her explanation and what she has to say. I do behave in a civil way, do what I have to do while at home and so on but refuse to talk to her other than it is inevitable. For me it's done. I do know a great deal about what happened hence she wrote two letters. Once was before confession and the second afterwards because I didn't want to speak. We had nevertheless some small conversations which was more a monologue of hers and me throwing some sarcastic statements and questions in between. I know she does not deal well with my decision to leave (depressed, distraught all the time, in panic to lose me, just to mention a few here) but it's her problem, not mine. I decided not to leave immediately because of the kids and until she regain some strength and composure but made it clear it's not recovery or reconciliation. The problem is it takes a toll of me. I am doing what I can to remain civil but suppressing everything just makes me very impatient, not only with her but in general. I feel a growing resentment, grudge and bitterness. Being unable to release and let go of the rage and hate is difficult. It is impossible to do it with her, hence another reason for not wanting reconciliation and recovery, but it is still impossible to leave immediately because of the kids and other reasons. I feel like walking into a mental mine field (she has created) where all the mines have exploded. It's awful and this is only a short version of what is going right now in my mind. So, for a while I guess end of my rant and venting. Have anyone experienced that **** in this way or is it only me? That is maybe what I am seeking to hear.

\

Edited September 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed inappropiate derogatory language, let's not do it again

[TaraMaiden2]

Nothing is ever cut and dried.

She may certainly bear 100% of the FAULT for cheating.

That is undeniable.

There is no question that what she did was wrong.

 

However, you are also responsible for an element of your relationship.

To be exact, the relationship consists of 2 people: Each partner is 100% responsible for their 50%.

 

In her mind, she noted a shortfall on your side and needed to make up for it.

 

I emphasise again: She was totally wrong in what she did. There is absolutely no excuse for cheating and betrayal.

But to be so rigid in your condemnation, and refuse point blank to redress any balance on your part is also highly questionable.

 

Consider your own attitude, behaviour and input.

What contribution did you make, or did you leave out, that might have led her to seek some kind of validation, appreciation and consideration elsewhere?

 

Are ALL your children 'special needs'?

 

How does the responsibility and work, put into taking care of them, fall?

What percentage falls to her and to you?

Be honest.

 

If she was a SAHM, and was responsible for their day-to-day care, could this have contributed to her emotional exhaustion, shut-down and diversion?

 

I would very earnestly and strongly suggest you seek marital counselling.

 

But to vilify and condemn your wife, in such strong terms, would appear to denote a judgemental rigidity in your attitude, which may further lead to questioning whether that in itself could have fuelled her desire to seek compassion, sympathy and understanding, elsewhere.

 

Just my views.

Edited September 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Celestial-dreamer]

Woah, I can feel your anger from here. I think you have already made up your mind ANY act of cheating is out the question. A lot of posters will say that a drunken ONS isn't as bad as a full blown affair, which in a way is true as that's how THEY see it, but this is about how YOU see it. How long has it been since the act itself? Tell her she needs an STD check stat. You never know what may be hiding down there. Get yourself tested too. It's sickening isn't it that someone can risk your health in such an arrogant and selfish manner. If they are happy to risk catching HIV/STD's let them, just don't force it on your SO. Condoms aren't 100% safe. Hopefully it didn't result in a pregnancy, that happens quite a bit with drunken ONS. Sorry to add more fuel to your fire. I do believe you need to take time away to let some of that anger go, it's not helping the situation and your kids will pick up on it. I know how much harder it is with SN kids, I have 2 myself. Maybe once your anger passes, you will see things a little better. No point trying to convince you to stay with you W, so I wish you luck choosing your future actions. Can you go to a gym and work some of your anger out? maybe punching something will help. Some say it does. Maybe you will think more clearer and not make a rush decision, you never know, you may surprise yourself and realise you don't want to D, if this really is her only *mistake* in 20 years of M you got a much better W there than many on here.

[bobwhite007]

At least she found the nerve to come clean. She got drunk and got screwed, it must have been very hard for her to tell you, don't let anyone talk you into the line that is was partly your fault. If she remembers it she wasn't too drunk to resist. She made a mistake. A very big mistake. You are free to divorce now, you are also free to stay and try to make it work. I would say for you to try and give her some peace about it,make your decision and go with it.

Edited September 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed derogatory term

[TaraMaiden2]

At least she found the nerve to come clean. She got drunk and got screwed, it must have been very hard for her to tell you, don't let anyone talk you into the line that is was partly your fault. If she remembers it she wasn't too drunk to resist. She made a mistake. A very big mistake. You are free to divorce now, you are also free to stay and try to make it work. I would say for you to try and give her some peace about it,make your decision and go with it.

 

Absolutely right (bolded).

I made that quite clear.

There is no fault on his part.

 

But something in the relationship is not hanging well, if, even in a drunken state, a spouse cheats.

The RESPONSIBILITY for the current state of the marriage, lies with BOTH parties. Working in Counselling taught me that indisputable lesson.

 

I'm suggesting the OP look deeper into this.

 

At least she wasn't cold, clean sober, as many other cheats (both men AND women) have been.

That means a calculated move within total use of right senses....

Edited September 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[GrandFunkRailroad]

TaraMaiden2

 

Here are my responses to your questions or statement

 

Secondly, nothing is ever cut and dried.

Wrong. Is killing for example someone, also not so cut and dry?! Cheating is like murdering and raping the soul of a person. It is very cut and dry, plain and simple.

 

 

However, you are also responsible for an element of your relationship.

To be exact, the relationship consists of 2 people: Each partner is 100% responsible for their 50%. In her mind, she noted a shortfall on your side and needed to make up for it.

O.K., so a shortfall is a ground for cheating. Not communication, not counseling, even not threatening with divorce, simply cheating. Well, having other options and choosing the most selfish is just proving my point of view. Besides this you project things even my wife didn't say. Read her responses in my post again.

 

 

I emphasise again: She was totally wrong in what she did. There is absolutely no excuse for cheating and betrayal. But to be so rigid in your condemnation, and refuse point blank to redress any balance on your part is also highly questionable.

See above. Besides this I never said I was perfect. Not only in marriage but also in each and every other aspect of life people make mistakes. They are not reasons and grounds to betray someone and I will never work on those problems who have zero contribution to infidelity (fact, I didn’t cheat on her nor in other previous committed relationship before we met) with someone who make such a link.

 

 

Consider your own attitude, behaviour and input. What contribution did you make, or did you leave out, that might have led her to seek some kind of validation, appreciation and consideration elsewhere?

Nothing what I did has anything to do with that. If she had a problem, she could talk about it. If she had a problem, she could ask for marriage counseling, I would agree to that. If there were problems on both sides, I still didn't look for external validation, but she did. If she did not have enough validation, she could divorce and seek it wherever she wants. Her problems of validation are her own, probably because she's like a bottomless whole that no matter how much validation she gets, it's not enough. It means she's selfish. That's not my problem but hers. By the way, no one can fill and validate but ourselves and I do not expect anyone to validate me. That's my job. If you're not happy with yourself, no one will make you happy; that's the same with validation. By the way, that's even not what she says and I outlined it in the post above. To sum it up, all people make mistake, that's still not an excuse and grounds for cheating

 

 

Are ALL your children 'special needs'?

Yes, all of them with different degrees. Some are doing better, some less.

 

 

 

How does the responsibility and work, put into taking care of them, fall?

This is irrelevant because that's not an excuse for cheating. As I wrote, I helped her not only with the kids but with all house duties. I did for sure more than my fair share. It was me that almost exclusively took care of the oldest (he's on the ASD). Besides home, like taking kids to doctors, schools and etc. was everything I have done. This is a small portion of what I did with the kids. Sometimes, she could cope well with the oldest, so I did it ease it. I did enough not to be cheated on even if she was thinking she wanted more from me. I didn't have an easy life too, yet I did not resort to cheating and stabbing her behind her back

 

What percentage falls to her and to you? Be honest.

See above

 

 

If she was a SAHM, and was responsible for their day-to-day care, could this have contributed to her emotional exhaustion, shut-down and diversion?

She is not a SAHM, but works only partially and significantly less than me. In the same way it didn't make me cheat on her, it has zero contribution on her cheating. That's called blame shifting and gas lighting.

 

 

I would very earnestly and strongly suggest you seek marital counseling. But to vilify and condemn your wife, in such strong terms, would appear to denote a judgemental rigidity in your attitude, which may further lead to questioning whether that in itself could have fuelled her desire to seek compassion, sympathy and understanding, elsewhere.

 

As I said above, it's even not what my wife claims. Maybe one should go for MC or not, but if she would be a decent and honest person, everything she sought outside, she would become at home. If it was not enough and she sought those thing, then she should end the marriage. That's however not what she says.

[GrandFunkRailroad]

I also find it very gender biased. If it was me cheating on her, everyone would tell her I'm a pig, should be divorced and so on. Once, it is a woman that cheats, then this is somehow excusable and her husband is partially at fault. If I would use the same excuses as above I would have been already lynched. I find it is somehow a double standard.

[Threwmyselfintowork]

GFR good luck yes your angry and you have every rite to be my piece of advice is what ever you do make sure you don't have no REGRETS that's the key think before you act

[GrandFunkRailroad]

Celestial-dreamer

 

A lot of posters will say that a drunken ONS isn't as bad as a full blown affair, which in a way is true as that's how THEY see it, but this is about how YOU see it.

I disagree with it. She slept with another man and that means breaking all the boundaries. For me, a single sexual act with another man is much worse than even if she would tell him that she likes him or even a longer emotional affair. People can and do say a lot of things without meaning it just to get something. Once, you act on something, you consume and prove the words. This is why actions are louder than words. It is for me uninteresting how much encounters there were. As I said I see her as "tainted" whether it happened once, twice or I don't know how many times. This is irrelevant for me.

 

How long has it been since the act itself?

I didn't ask her for exact timeline because what importance it has on which exact day it happened. Anyway, it was slightly over a month ago.

 

Tell her she needs an STD check stat. You never know what may be hiding down there. Get yourself tested too.

Yes, I should really do this. Thanks.

 

Sorry to add more fuel to your fire.

No, it is not adding fuel to the fire as I am aware that in my mind state it is important because I may miss that or the other thing.

 

I do believe you need to take time away to let some of that anger go, it's not helping the situation and your kids will pick up on it. I know how much harder it is with SN kids, I have 2 myself.

I agree with you and this roller coaster of mainly negative emotions is not something I am proud of. I do believe and actually understand that it is not only the anger that I have to let go but especially that I'll have to forgive her for my own sake and happiness. Yet, it will not be with us together. I do understand that forgiveness is a must, however reconciliation and a second chance is optional (which I am not willing to give). It's not one and the same. However, it's not easy to forgive a betrayal of such magnitude.

 

Maybe once your anger passes, you will see things a little better. No point trying to convince you to stay with you W, so I wish you luck choosing your future actions.

I am aware that when anger passes, we take everything differently. To be honest, I am maybe even afraid at a certain level that when it happens while we are still together that I might change my mind. That she can convince me to stay. Anyway, I don't think it'll happen but it's still lingering below there.

 

Can you go to a gym and work some of your anger out? maybe punching something will help. Some say it does.

I do plan to do different things to let go of this dark energy inside me.

 

Maybe you will think more clearer and not make a rush decision, you never know, you may surprise yourself and realise you don't want to D, if this really is her only *mistake* in 20 years of M you got a much better W there than many on here

As I said above, this is what I am afraid of. I think it would not be a right decision, but a wrong that I probably regret later. I must be able to look at my face in the mirror each morning. What I will see there? Someone who betrayed him-self as well as lives with a women that he sees as tainted and damaged goods? It is hard for me to say anything good about her right now, but it would not be fair towards her too.

[jnel921]

First of all we are sorry for you that you have gone through this. Now get a grip.

 

You are very angry. You need to let that go. Comparing it to your military experience sounds bananas. I am sure you WW is remorseful but you are too upset to hear it and really sense and feel this. We have all been there. If she is doing all of the right things to show remorse why throw it back in her face?

 

Reconciling is not "pathetic" as you put it. There are a lot of us here including myself who have forgiven and have reconciled our M's successfully. When you have two willing people to do that it can work. You are too angry and your ego won't let you think clearly right now.

 

Leaving your wife with the burden of your 4 special needs children is totally wrong. Saying it's her problem is worse. You say in the beginning of your post how great your M and how you are but your actions prove otherwise.

 

Regardless of what your WW chose to do, your first responsibility is to your kids. So if you chose to separate yourself at least be there for those kids.

 

If you really feel you cannot get past this, get a divorce. I did when my first H cheated, however he wasn't remorseful. There is a big difference when you have a spouse that comes out of the fog and is like wtf did I just do.

 

Good Luck to you.

[m.snow]

Nothing is ever cut and dried.

She may certainly bear 100% of the FAULT for cheating.

That is undeniable.

There is no question that what she did was wrong.

 

However, you are also responsible for an element of your relationship.

To be exact, the relationship consists of 2 people: Each partner is 100% responsible for their 50%.

 

In her mind, she noted a shortfall on your side and needed to make up for it.

 

I emphasise again: She was totally wrong in what she did. There is absolutely no excuse for cheating and betrayal.

But to be so rigid in your condemnation, and refuse point blank to redress any balance on your part is also highly questionable.

 

Consider your own attitude, behaviour and input.

What contribution did you make, or did you leave out, that might have led her to seek some kind of validation, appreciation and consideration elsewhere?

 

Are ALL your children 'special needs'?

 

How does the responsibility and work, put into taking care of them, fall?

What percentage falls to her and to you?

Be honest.

 

If she was a SAHM, and was responsible for their day-to-day care, could this have contributed to her emotional exhaustion, shut-down and diversion?

 

I would very earnestly and strongly suggest you seek marital counselling.

 

But to vilify and condemn your wife, in such strong terms, would appear to denote a judgemental rigidity in your attitude, which may further lead to questioning whether that in itself could have fuelled her desire to seek compassion, sympathy and understanding, elsewhere.

 

Just my views.

 

TaraMaiden2

 

he has already clarified that he did his best in the relationship and that on his part there was no problem with communication,romance and intimacy.

 

you are merely further insinuating that he is still partly responsible. is contradictory to the statement that wife is responsible for her affair.

 

---------------------------

GrandFunkRailroad

 

Yes you have everyright to be angry and no one can take that against you.

you have suffered one of the most horrible things that can happen to a honest man.

 

it will take time and counseling to relieve that anguish.

 

wether you divorce or give R no one will take that against you. you are right in your own way.

Cheating & Affairs, are one of the most unforgivable sins to commit.

they cause an imbalance in the relationship.

 

as they say

an affair is not only an attack against the marriage.

it is an attack against the family.

 

-this has been what i was saying that if a person truly loves his partner. he can sense even the slightest change in behavior.

this to me, shows that this man truly loved his wife to a very high degree.

Edited September 16, 2015 by m.snow

[Dutchman1]

.

I'm really sorry for your pain.

One thing I can tell you: Cheating is ALWAYS a choice, NEVER a mistake.

Alcohol never caused anyone to take of her panty's for another man.

She did it because she wanted it.

Nobody held a.gun to her head.

 

Sorry I would say : Cut your losses, find a woman who wants to be yours only, and be the best co parent you can be.

 

Look out for nr 1

 

Dutchman 1

[gettingstronger]

Although I am reconciliation with my WS, I understand it is not for everyone. It sounds as though your personality would make it very difficult for both of you to reconcile.

 

I would not worry or take time defending your marriage-cheating is a personal choice, there is no perfect marriage and the idea that the state of marriage lead to the cheating is not the point or what is important to you now-

 

What is important is what you feel capable of- what is best for you- the only advice I have is to try to be as fair/calm as possible in ending your marriage- you have children and how the two of you handle this next step is crucial to them-

 

Vent, scream, cuss whatever in private but do not provoke your wife, don't debase her to anyone that comes in regular contact with your kids, be as above board as you can-

 

Hang in there, take care of yourself and do right by your kids-

 

Good luck-

[m.snow]

you need some counseling. are you a religious man? you could see a pastor or a priest. this will help you heal better

 

right now you have many questions and i believe that a counselor can help you.

 

is your WW(wayward Wife) going to counseling?

 

Right now you are very emotional. It is not the right time to make a rash decision.

find counseling release most of that pent up anger before making the decision.

 

your WW confessed to her sins.

that is leap forward to reconciling or for any relationship ahead. be that staying as friend after divorce.

 

you mention she is quiting the the job because of AP(Affair Partner).

that is considered a good step forward

 

REMEMBER In all of this "YOU ARE NOT ALONE." many have walked this road and made it!

Edited September 16, 2015 by m.snow

[Ms. Faust]

For some people cheating happens when everything on the home front is fine.

 

And for some people cheating is 100% deal breaker.

 

I totally concur that there is a massively growing "reconciliation industry", but I prefer Chump Lady's suggestion of " lose a cheater, gain a life".

 

Good luck!!

Edited September 16, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[afoolto no end]

Hi there I am a betrayed spouse as well and I can understand the hurt and pain you are feeling right now....

adultery how ever it happens destroys something special.....

the only thing I would suggest is giving yourself a little time to digest and really think about what you want for yourself.......you don't have to make that choice right now.......

there is more at stake here than her, you have children extended families.

Some wayward do nothing but try to lie about it, your wife has at least confessed and quit her job and went no contact with the Om, that is saying a lot ....

In this world at least.

Recovery is a difficult thing to do and you have to know what has happened can never be changed, what can change is you could have a great marriage....if you both worked at it together........

I have been married for 27 years and it's been my experience that life is not perfect our spouses are not perfect and there are times when one spouse has lost their self respect for a moment and the other has to carry them and lead them back......my therapist said you trust until they give you a second reason.....

My husband works hard at being a better man for me and our family now....if he didn't I would end our marriage........

he gets one chance from me ............it took me 6 months to decide to try, I haven't forgiven him for his adultery and I don't have to.....but I have given him a chance to prove himself......

I was so angry at first too, when someone makes that kind of choice for your life on their own and hurts you for their selfishness you need to take some time to think about what you need and what you can live with...

If in the end you can't get past it some people can't you have every right to divorce her......

It changes who you are no matter which choice you make.....

there are no guarantees in a different future either........

[itmustbeme]

I also find it very gender biased. If it was me cheating on her, everyone would tell her I'm a pig, should be divorced and so on. Once, it is a woman that cheats, then this is somehow excusable and her husband is partially at fault. If I would use the same excuses as above I would have been already lynched. I find it is somehow a double standard.

 

It is amazing when women cheat something is lacking with the husband but if a man cheats he is a pig. I don't recall a woman saying her husband screwed another woman and people then telling her the marriage was lacking was she giving her husband enough sex.

 

A friend of mine found out his wife was sleeping with 3 of his neighbors. When he confronted his wife she told him it was his fault! She was not getting enough attention from him. Since she was banging 4 guys at the same time I don't think there was any way he could have given her enough attention.

 

 

I was not getting enough sex in my marriage and I did not cheat. I ended up divorcing her. I was tempted but like you that is not a line I would cross.

 

You need to work on your anger. I would divorce her if it were me but it is you. You still have kids together so please try to control your anger.

 

Also if the SOB that screwed your wife is married let his wife know what he did.

I am sorry you are going through this.

[Lois_Griffin]

I also find it very gender biased. If it was me cheating on her, everyone would tell her I'm a pig, should be divorced and so on. Once, it is a woman that cheats, then this is somehow excusable and her husband is partially at fault. If I would use the same excuses as above I would have been already lynched. I find it is somehow a double standard.

I also disagree that she must have felt some kind of 'shortfall' in the marriage. That's a ridiculous assumption.

 

Some people are just selfish, self-entitled jack-asses who think they deserve a little extra spice and variety in their otherwise boring lives. Some enjoy the ego strokes of someone else desiring them, and some just like to get away with something 'taboo' if the opportunity falls in their lap.

 

There are MANY people who cheat purely for sport and claim to have great marriages.

 

Sorry. Not buying the 'shortfall' theory.

[Winterina]

Cheating of this kind is not the worst thing that can happen in a relationship. Long term subtle destruction of trust, constant disappointments and betrayals, damage to self-esteem, constantly questioning own sanity, etc., is worse.

 

Your wife is truly remorseful, that counts for something.

She did it once only.

She came out and told you about it - that counts for a lot! Would you have rather she had it in her to just keep on going happily with you and never tell you?

She is a person that could not live happily with herself knowing what she did - big credit to her for this.

Most of the people out there would act the same and you would never notice anything in her behaviour had she been one of those people.

 

Let yourself feel what you need to feel and you are right to be angry like hell.

In time, maybe you will calm down.

Maybe you will be able to sit by the negotiating table and consult the marriage counselor.

Maybe in time you will learn to accept it, maybe you will be able to forgive her, and move on.

It might never be the same, but it might still be good.

You guys seemed to have a good thing going.

Pity she did this to you and to her family and don't forget, she did this to herself as well.

You all are suffering.

[Lois_Griffin]

For some people cheating happens when everything on the home front is fine.

 

And for some people cheating is 100% deal breaker.

 

I totally concur that there is a massively growing "reconciliation industry", but I prefer Chump Lady's suggestion of " lose a cheater, gain a life".

 

Good luck!!

ChumpLady ROCKS. Especially when I read the sea of delusion going on in some of the reconciliation boards at infidelity sites. Those poor sheep just keep drinking the 'reconciliation Kool-Aid' while their cheater pretends to be so 'remorseful.' My ass.

 

I agree with YOU GrandFunk. There's no rule that says you have to drink the Kool-Aid, too.

[purplesorrow]

ChumpLady ROCKS. Especially when I read the sea of delusion going on in some of the reconciliation boards at infidelity sites. Those poor sheep just keep drinking the 'reconciliation Kool-Aid' while their cheater pretends to be so 'remorseful.' My ass.

 

I agree with YOU GrandFunk. There's no rule that says you have to drink the Kool-Aid, too.

 

Completely fine if you don't agree with reconciliation. But why insult and ridicule those that do?

[TX-SC]

Go ahead and file for divorce. But don't divorce her out of pure anger and resentment. Let that die down and use a level head. As you well know, anger can be a useful weapon, but it rarely leads to rational decisions. Let the anger die, then actually talk to your wife. She made a bad decision but she is still the woman you married and who has been your wife for so many years. Her decision to cheat was hers and hers only. And, I seriously doubt she did so because your marriage was missing something. She got drunk and horny and wanted some new dick. Simple as that.

 

But, what IS important here is how she felt afterwards. She obviously was remorseful and it broke her own heart to know she is capable of that. She is doing everything right NOW. So, at least take that into consideration.

 

I realize you are angry. You have every right to be angry. Just understand that belittling others who have made the decision to R does nobody any good. There are cheaters who truly made a mistake and didn't mean to hurt their spouse. And, their are husbands and wives that are willing to forgive the person they married for making a horrible mistake.

 

You must now follow your heart and your head and do what is right for YOU and your children. Do so with a level head so that you do not make a hasty decision and later regret it. Sit down and talk with her then go from there.

Edited September 16, 2015 by TX-SC
phone typing sucks

[autumnnight]

Based on your posts and this thread, please file today.

 

There are people who simply cannot every view their spouses as people again after this kind of betrayal, and that is completely understandable.

 

Just cut your losses and divorce. You and everyone else will be better off for it, and you can start fresh.

[Furious]

Absolutely right (bolded).

I made that quite clear.

There is no fault on his part.

 

But something in the relationship is not hanging well, if, even in a drunken state, a spouse cheats.

The RESPONSIBILITY for the current state of the marriage, lies with BOTH parties. Working in Counselling taught me that indisputable lesson.

 

I'm suggesting the OP look deeper into this.

 

At least she wasn't cold, clean sober, as many other cheats (both men AND women) have been.

That means a calculated move within total use of right senses....

 

 

The above is like saying what did you do wrong when a drunk driver ran over you.

 

How does a drunken one night stand at a work function have anything to do with the " state of the marriage".?

 

Smh

[Dutchman1]

G.F.R.

Normally I would advise chumplady.

Now asking why.

You told us; the marriage was good,, you both communicated, both helped each other had fun and sex.

Then why?, there are a lot of lady's here who cheated because they were. In a bad marriage with abuse, no intimacy who ever suggested their spouse to try and get help. Those ladies I sometimes understand, they saw no other way.

Still wrong but defendable.

 

Before I would even think. Of reconciliation, I would want to know her answer:

Why she chose to sleep with OM.

Did they plan it,

Did they go to a hotel ,

Was you wife just plain horny,

Did she choose the OM, or could it have been anyone,

Did they use protection.

 

This I would need to know, before talking further.

 

Sorry mate, my gut says, she f....ed someone else than her husband, because she wanted to, and didn't give crap about you and your family.

Cheating is never a mistake, it's a choice.

 

Keep us informed, look after yourself and kids, loose the cheater.

 

Dutchman 1