Should I leave my wife?

[AaronG]

Hello everyone

I have been a lurker for some time. I have been married for 7 years. We have two kids - both daughters. My wife cheated on me 3 years ago. Her affair was with a exbf and it went for 6 months. She confessed to me after ending it. She confessed because she felt guilty and wanted to recover our marriage with the full truth. I was shocked. I asked her why confess if she wasn't going to cheat again. I would have been better if I didn't knew. Now she put pain on me to relieve her guilt.

We did MC. There were some hysterical bonding. Though it faded some months later but we still had good sex 3-4 times a week. She was sorry and said it. Though I always felt some pain because of her betrayal.

 

And now 3 years later I'm in an extramarital relationship. Its been going on for 7 months now. Met her through friends. We both really are into each other. Said i love yous. And I do really love her. She wants me to leave my wife. I want to be with her forever because we are more in tune with each others like and dislike. But at the same time I am afraid to break up my family.

 

I know the standard advice here is to cut off the affair, confess it to your spouse and do everything you can to show remorse and help them heal. But I'm not in love with my wife anymore. I don't see a future with her. I really want to be with the OW. So I don't know if confessing would be a good idea. I mean if I am going to leave my wife, why put her through additional pain? In case of my wife affair, I'd rather not know.

 

What should I do?

[Popsicle]

Well, you MUST see some future with your wife if you're even asking this question. Otherwise you wouldnt be asking or would have left her.

[Sassy Girl]

Sounds like you didn't want to face her affair, rug swept the whole thing and then invested in a really poor coping mechanism - the other woman.

 

I suggest counselling. Lots of it.. Alone . While taking a break from OW to sort yourself out. If it's mean to be, she will wait, because you can't trust your own decision making abilities right now.

 

Furthermore, your wife values honesty - that's why she came clean to you. Even though you don't, which comes through loud and clear in your posts, she does, and so do her the favour she did you and be honest with her. Don't let her think you're Leaving the marriage because of something she did. This is about you. Man up and own it.

[AaronG]

yes there is doubts and confusion is my mind whether I should break up my family. My best friend is urging me to do so because I don't love her anymore and she deserves to be fully loved. On the other hand, he feels I am stringing the OW.

 

Its not that I value honesty but sometimes the truth can be hurtful. So I feel its better to not reveal it if you won't repeat what you did.

 

@Sassygirl.....when you say counseling alone, do you mean to say I separate from my wife and take the time to see if I can really comeback into this marriage?

[sandylee1]

You can't keep the family together and leave your wife. You just can't. Did you forgive her affair?

 

Or is that what led to your affair?

Are there no feelings left for your wife?

 

Would you have wanted to leave if it wasn't for the OW?

 

Can you afford to divorce?

How will it affect your kids ?

 

If you are leaving , then be honest and tell her about your affair. You're trying to protect yourself and be the good guy.

[AaronG]

You can't keep the family together and leave your wife. You just can't. Did you forgive her affair?

 

I know that. That why I am scared to break up my family.

I thought I did forgive my wife. But sometimes when I feel guilty, I remind myself she did it too

Or is that what led to your affair?

 

Honestly, no. Had a pretty good and stable life with her. So no, my affair was not in a sense of revenge. But as I said I justified myself over her betrayal.

 

Are there no feelings left for your wife?

 

Currently, no. I don't feel any romantic feelings for her. But I don't know. Maybe its buried inside.

 

Would you have wanted to leave if it wasn't for the OW?

 

No. Nothing major happened since her affair and till my affair started that made me feel like leaving my wife.

 

Can you afford to divorce?

 

Yes I can

 

How will it affect your kids ?

 

I don't know. When my wife confessed I had only 1 kid. And she was small. Now I have two kids. The older one is still small while the young one is a toddler.

 

If you are leaving , then be honest and tell her about your affair. You're trying to protect yourself and be the good guy.

 

Being the good guy is not my objective. If I do leave, I will not blame on her affair either. Just that I didn't love her anymore.

 

My wife is a good woman. She made a mistake. But I don't think she deserves to live a loveless life. She is already asking me why I am acting distant.

[Sassy Girl]

yes there is doubts and confusion is my mind whether I should break up my family. My best friend is urging me to do so because I don't love her anymore and she deserves to be fully loved. On the other hand, he feels I am stringing the OW.

 

Its not that I value honesty but sometimes the truth can be hurtful. So I feel its better to not reveal it if you won't repeat what you did.

 

@Sassygirl.....when you say counseling alone, do you mean to say I separate from my wife and take the time to see if I can really comeback into this marriage?

 

No. I mean distance yourself from Ow because she clouds your judgment.

 

Your best friend is right. She does deserve better. And she deserves to know the truth about her life and her marriage.

 

OW went into this eyes wide open. She knew you were married with very young children and doesn't give two craps about your kids or what's best for them. So what if you string her along. She signed up for it. You are misplacing your concern. It should be on your children. OW is a grown a$$ woman.

[AlwaysGrowing]

The fact you used her prior poor behaviour to justify your own poor behaviour points to.....at the bare minimum resentment.....and possibly evening the score.

 

I know of few people who would be "in love" with their WS after DDay. A few sessions of MC and additional sex will simply not address any long term fall out from an affair....for either side.

 

Is honesty difficult for you? Do you often chose not to rock the boat if it causes discomfort for yourself or others? Are you able to dig deep within yourself to know your truth?

 

I have found that people that use the excuse that the truth is what causes pain not the actual acts/words/behaviours being the culprit are more often than not conflict avoidant type personalities. They generally rugsweep issues, compartmentalize, and make their partner do the heavy work of trying to figure out what the issue/s might be.

 

They do exactly what you have done. State that their partner is overall a good person, then point to something their partner has done to justify their own choices, do not want their own machinations known, state they aren't trying to be the good guy(meaning protecting their character) by not being truthful, then run away instead of facing their consequences.

 

I agree with the poster that stated you need IC...like yesterday. Not a friend, who you might be wearing a mask with. Rather, someone who can help you to uncover your true self.

[BlueBlood]

Affairs are based on lies and subterfuge.

 

Reality (bills, a leaky sink, a kid with a cold, PTA meetings, Girl Scout cookie sales, dry cleaning, no makeup, mowing the lawn, and morning breath) rarely interferes with the fantasy. In an affair there is the sneaking and hiding, a clandestine merger of everything real life isn't. It's not real, but it is real stupid.

 

Can you see that? That you are in love with a liar that shows you but one facet of her being? That you are in a twisted movie of your own hormone rushes and laziness?

 

...do you really want to make choices that are going to change your kids forever while you're basically drunk at the wheel?

[qubist]

AAron: you are confused and messing up both women's life. it is very common that a BH feels the way you are feeling toward your W if you didn't heal from her A. MC in your case was a mistake you should have had IC and you still need it. trust me you are confused about your feeling I'm afraid you will find that out when it's too late. you need a break to see yourself first before you make such a huge decision. you may need a therapist help but one thing for sure you need to stop the A with OW for now. the fog of the A will not let you see who you are and make the right decision.

you might not tell your W about the A but you should tell her that your love for her is not what it used to be. she deserve to know that at least.

once the confusion is clear you will be able to see if you really love OW or it was just a relief from your pain. you should evaluate you M and if you see you can continue then seek MC.

[cif]

My wife is a good woman. She made a mistake. But I don't think she deserves to live a loveless life. She is already asking me why I am acting distant.

 

What was your response? If she's noticing you pulling away she will begin snooping and discover your affair.

 

Maybe you can take a break from the OW and seek marriage counseling with your wife. You will have to confess if you want to give it a real last shot. At least that way if it doesn't work out you won't feel guilty.

[central]

Move out, tell your wife about the affair, file for divorce, be a great father, get some individual counseling. Most will advise you to end the affair as well, as it may not be based on a sound foundation and instead be more of an escape or become a rebound. I think toning it down for a while as you go through counseling may suffice, unless you do see that she is really not what you want long term. What is fair to her?

[BetrayedH]

Sounds like you're already determined to leave.

 

If that's the case, do it with honesty. Whether you blame her or not, she's bound to blame herself, particularly with an affair in her past.

 

Give her the respect of the truth. Why should you be the only one that gets to have it? The truth isn't that you just fell out of love with her. The truth is that you allowed yourself to breach boundary after boundary and fall in love with someone else. She deserves to have that truthful perspective, not one where she just lost you all on her own.

[sandylee1]

My wife is a good woman. She made a mistake. But I don't think she deserves to live a loveless life. She is already asking me why I am acting distant.

 

In that case, tell her the truth and file. Maybe the younger they are the less it will affect them.

 

She does deserve to find a new love and it's best you just work on coparenting. Tell her the reason you're leaving, as she'll just hate you if/when she finds out the truth.

 

Seems that you would have cheated regardless of her cheating. I'm not sure of your ages , but the sooner you set her free, the sooner she can grieve the end of the marriage and move on and find a new partner.

 

I hope you'll be okay with the likelihood of another man in your kids like down the line. I know your wife will have to be accept the OW in the kids lives. One of the biggest fears BSs have is a new partner not treating their kids well, please watch out that this doesn't happen on your end. I've heard horrible stories about it.

 

Does your wife work?

 

Perhaps see an attorney for an idea of the financial side.

[m.snow]

one thing i can say is that at least WW confessed.

 

you should tell WW the truth about your affair.

 

WW became honest with her affair.

 

if you can't tell her then just leave and make it as amicable as possible.

sometimes when your in the middle of an affair you tend to fall out of love with your SO.

 

get some IC done.

Edited September 11, 2015 by m.snow

[aliveagain]

I feel sorry for your children. You, your wife and the O/W need to be away from each other for a while. Women that knowingly date married men are no different than women that will cheat on their husbands. If they will cheat with you they will cheat on you. The three of you are just one giant disaster waiting to happen. How can you know what your true feelings for your wife are if O/W interferes?

 

Tell your wife the truth, your already in her radar, she see's the change in you. Go stay with family or get a place you can rent for a month. Sort through your feelings with the help of an independent counsellor, one with experience in infidelity. The grass is never greener on the other side, the grass is green where you water it.

[gettingstronger]

Yes, you should leave and be honest about your current relationship. These things have a way of coming out anyway and are far messier if they are covered up. I wouldn't say, I am leaving because of OW- but your wife will ask if there is someone else- as hard as it will be to convince her otherwise, you should tell her your reasons for leaving that do and do not include the OW-

 

Although the OW may not be the reason you are leaving- that relationship is surely one of the reasons you want to do it now rather than later-

[Lois_Griffin]

I see your OW as an exit affair.

 

I don't think you're the type to successfully reconcile and that's perfectly ok - there's no law that says you have to.

 

I think you tried and couldn't do it. I respect that.

 

But I think you hooked up with this OW as an avenue to leave your marriage. A reason to leave. Someone on the 'other side' to give you the courage and help facilitate you walking out the door.

 

I actually do think you should leave your wife. I don't think you're able to see her in the same light anymore since her affair. Not everyone reconciles successfully and not everyone is able to forgive. That happens.

 

But the chances are extremely high that after you leave your wife, you probably won't have much interest in your OW because whether you realize it or not, she's just a means to an end.

[aliveagain]

It is not realistic to compare a 7 month part time relationship to a 7 year full time relationship because in 7 years your part time relationship won't be much different. Relationships change over time, as the newness wears off other feelings mature. In your scenario you'll be changing partners every year to keep the feeling of newness. Be honest with everyone. Get rid of the friends that introduced you to your girlfriend, they are not friends of your marriage. Seriously, get help before you completely destroy what you have. If you divorce be honest about it and divorce because it's the right thing to do not because someone has influenced your decision.

[Clay]

Give your Wife the same respect she gave you. Be honest with her and leave. I know learning of your wife's betrayal hurt but it was a honest view of your marriage. Give your wife the same. She will also need closure.

 

 

Infidelity kills love. I found and still do find I care for my xW but that kind of love is very limited. Let her move on and heal and find someone for her just as you have.

 

C

[cocorico]

Affairs are based on lies and subterfuge.

 

Reality (bills, a leaky sink, a kid with a cold, PTA meetings, Girl Scout cookie sales, dry cleaning, no makeup, mowing the lawn, and morning breath) rarely interferes with the fantasy. In an affair there is the sneaking and hiding, a clandestine merger of everything real life isn't. It's not real, but it is real stupid.

 

That hoary old chestnut... How many As have you transitioned to FTRs as a basis for your claim - or is it simply based on your own prejudice? I *have* transitioned a R from A to M and, guess what? I can state categorically that your supposition is 100% wrong! The A wasn't all pixie dust, and the M isn't all leaky sinks. It's the same R - just full-time.

 

I can't categorically state that things will work out well for the Op if he does choose to transition his A - that's for him to find out (or not). But bland assertions based only on supposition aren't helpful.

 

Can you see that? That you are in love with a liar that shows you but one facet of her being?

 

This is a stretch! We know nothing about the OW, and certainly not whether or not she is a liar. We *do*, OTOH, know that his W is a liar - she cheated on OP, remember, and as we're always told, once a cheater, always a cheater, people don't change, etc. so if you're going to bring out the big guns, you have the wrong woman in your sights.

 

But that's neither here nor there. Whether you approve more of a woman who cheats on her H than a woman who falls in love with a man who cheats on his wife, is not the point. What matters is the OP's views.

 

He states, of his BW:

 

Currently, no. I don't feel any romantic feelings for her. But I don't know. Maybe its buried inside.

 

and this for me is what matters.

 

OP, there are cases on here of fWS who have managed to rekindle love for a BS, and to recover the M, after falling out of love. But it takes a lot of work, and you really have to want to do it. It sounds to me as if you're not quite sure. My advice is - find out, before you act / don't act, and live to regret your decision.

 

Seek IC, even MC if you think your M has a chance. It's not just about choosing between two women here. It's about choosing between two versions of yourself - one is the current version, and the other is the version of you, happily (or otherwise) with the OW, part-time parenting your kids, your extended family reconfigured to include OW and her family and excluding BW and hers. Your social circle likewise. Which version of you feels most authentic? That would so the one you should work for.

 

If you are going to leave your BW, I would say now is the best time to do it, while he kids are still small. Either that, or wait until they are grown. Tiny kids adapt pretty quickly, if only because their memories are short. I left my xH when my kids were very young (no infidelity, just a M that didn't work out) and it was a good time. The kids just accepted that that was how things were, and their only memory of anything different was from old photos.

 

But don't leave on a whim. Be sure that you are leaving for the right reasons, if you do leave. And if you stay, stay for the right reasons. Being unhappy with the outcome isn't a win for anyone.

[Got it]

Speaking from my experience.

 

I was married when the affair started. I was in the process of realizing I wanted to divorce so separated a few weeks after the affair started. Since we did not share kids, financial entanglements were limited, etc I choose not to tell him about it. If he ever asks I will be honest but due to the severing of ties, and it was not why I was divorcing, I choose not tell him. We are years later, both remarried, amicable and it has never been discussed. I own the risk on it but felt it was the best decision.

 

On my (now) husband's end. His wife had an affair and he found out after it had ended by circumstance. He confronted and was told it is over, move on, etc. So he dove into work and life went on and he was staying together until the kids were adults. A couple years later we started our affair. After a year he was working on separating when there was a dday and he laid everything out to her about our relationship, etc. They separated and the divorced. We have since then married. But her having an affair did not negate her emotions on finding out about his. Nor did it change her "scorched earth" tactic in the following months. So I caution you, either way, that her having had an affair will change her emotions or actions finding out about yours.

 

Definitely see counseling and make sure you have a clear understanding what you want to do and how you really feel. It is a personal road to walk down and you want to make sure that none of this was done in any level of retaliation. If there are ANY feelings for your wife, then focus there and see if you can respark those embers. If there is anything that can be done to improve the marriage then end the affair and focus there and give it a shot. But have an IC work with you on how you are feeling and help pull back any layers on this.

 

I am neutral on telling your wife about the affair if you choose to leave but I do want to caution on the gamble of not telling and it being found out. You can attempt to play the hand, owning the backlash if you are caught (and there is usually a higher risk of being caught than not). Seek a divorce attorney and really go through the financial and child related items for a divorce, state laws, etc. and understand what everything entails.

 

My husband has chosen not to tell his kids about their mother's affair so has bared the emotional brunt of divorce. He did not want to drag them into it or get into a tit for tat but plans to have a conversation with each of them when they are adults to tell them more of his side of thing.

 

Talk to some professionals and get a good understanding of the full landscape before you make any decisions.

[road]

Your OW is a real prize. The booby prize.

 

 

They will cheat with you they will cheat on you. This OW has shown her true morals. Not the kind of person you want around your kids. You bring this woman around them you are teaching them that affairs are good.

 

 

You can not having feelings for your WW when you have an affair with the OW.

 

 

You must dump the OW.

 

 

You must tell your WW about your affair.

 

 

Then forget that bad counselor that you used after the last affair.

[jen1447]

I'm not one for sham marriages/relationships. so I'd exit. (I don't think they serve anyone well, least of all the kids.)

 

So I don't know if confessing would be a good idea. I mean if I am going to leave my wife, why put her through additional pain? In case of my wife affair, I'd rather not know.

I'm sure she'd prefer to have you divorce her and not have a clue as to why, right? Or have you lie about a reason she already knows? Either one would make it go down the hatch much easier.

[Silveron]

Never leave a relationship because of a third party. Leave the relationship when there is no love, no compatibility.

 

 

You say you don't love your wife and right at this moment you might feel that, however it's only because this OW has temporarily replaced those feelings.

 

 

If you end it with your wife and go with this OW, you will eventually see all the bad habits and things you will find to dislike about this new woman. With this OW, I doubt it's love, more like infatuation.

 

 

Two wrongs don't make a right so using the reasoning that she cheated to justify yourself in your behavior is truly wrong.

 

 

The two true victims here are your children. YOU are their world, their God, their protector and their security. YOU are being selfish and ripping this away from them by doing what you have been doing. Would you want your children's spouses in the future to do this to them? I doubt it. No matter what you do or say if you leave your children WILL find a way to blame themselves. Can you handle that?

 

 

Ask yourself this. Is it worth watching your wife walk out with your children and having to look at their faces when they are asking 'Why can't daddy stay with me anymore?' Is it worth it? Does this OW supersede everything that your children deserve?

 

 

Quit acting like a victim and pretending to be a nice guy. Man up. Be the role model that your children need you to be. You married your wife for a reason. When was the last time you spent the quality time with her like you did with this other chick?

 

 

This OW won't last. Anytime a relationship starts under stress like this, will fall apart shortly thereafter.

 

 

Break it off with this OW, get counseling and let your wife know (in that order). Otherwise your future is you being alone while another 'dad' has taken your place.