Had an affair, now ended, but both still in love

[Downgamer]

Hi All, I will try and give a bit of a backstory before I get into the affair.

 

I'm a 30 year old man living in the UK, I've been married for 2 years and in the relationship for 7 years. Me and my wide decided to try and children about 3 years ago, after 6 months of nothing we went to see the doctor and a natural conception was not possible. In order for us to go through IVF paid for on the national health service both parents need to be fit an healthy. At the time my wife was overweight and it took 18 months for her to get down to the weight she needed to be.

 

This 18 month period was a very difficult time for both of us. I am a very fit man, going to the gym 3-4 times a week and I struggle to empathize with people that are overweight. So I was constantly on to my wife trying to get her to exercise and eat healthy. However, she is the type of person that needs to realize and do things for herself and when people tell her to do something, she rebels. So, this time was very difficult and I think I ended up falling out of love. I kept saying to myself that I would give her 6 months and then I would leave, as her heart just seemed not to be in it.

 

Anyway 18 months down the line and we are now on the waiting list...onto the affair.

 

I work in a very tight knit office, everyone is very good friends and we go out for meals and drinks regularly. About 18 months ago, a young muslim girl joined the team. She is a very friendly and kind person and I liked her immediately, I was also attracted to her. We had a shuffle round in the office about three months ago and it was very easy for me to go and sit at her desk and chat. For whatever reason I got hold of her mobile number and started texting her, we would text every night just talking about random stuff and flirting a whole lot. We would flirt in the office and soon we started touching, little things like tickling and poking each other or leaning on the back of a chair. If one of us had a bad day we would give each other a hug.

 

After a night of texting where we got a bit short with each other I said that we needed to go for lunch and discuss our friendship/relationship. I basically came clean and told her all about my marriage, how I wasn't happy and that our friendship was turning into something more. She agreed and we decided that we needed to cool off (we held hands all through the lunch).

 

The cool off lasted about a day and things shortly got more serious.

 

The whole time I was very aware of her religion, I knew what I was feeling and had already researched and found that muslim women cannot marry a non muslim man. It was also a sin for women to date or be affectionate with a man outside of marriage. So I was very aware of the danger I was putting her in.

 

The hugging and touching persisted and I desperately wanted to kiss her, although I held back due to the muslim thing. We started meeting after work, we would sit in the car and chat, hold hands, hug. One day I came clean and told her I was in love with her, she responded and she was too, and we kissed. This is when the relationship really heated up. I felt happy for the first time in years. She had been in a bad arranged marriage before and was now divorced, she had never had the attention of a man who though the world of her.

 

Over time we kept calling it off and getting back together, I told her that I would leave my wife and marry her. She reasoned that if we got together her family would disown her. In the end her words to me were "I can't sacrifice my family so I will have to sacrifice you". This broke my heart, I completely accept her decision and even told her that that was the way it had to be. But I am in love and I still want to be together even though it's impossible.

 

I have considered coverting to Islam, however I have always been a strong atheist and I doubt anything could convince me that God exists.

 

Now we have stopped texting, we still work together and no-one in the office knows of our relationship and eventual break up.

 

My issue is that my wife is my first relationship, I have never gone through a break up before and it's killing me. I still love my wife but I just don't think I'm 'in love' (which is so cliche). I can't tell my wife about what happened, as she would know immediately who it was, I can't risk her exposing the girl as she would lose her family anyway.

 

Work is a real nightmare as we are both still in love. We are dealing with the break up in completely different ways, while she is trying to get on with things, I am sitting in misery. She gets on with everyone in the office and when she's with the other guys, I can't help but burn with jealousy, (even though I know they're just friends. I miss the time we spent together and the attention she paid me.

 

I can't leave my job, it's a good job with serious prospects. At the beginning she told me she would quit as it was too hard. I begged her to stay, now I wonder if it would have been better if she had left, although everyone would probably have realised why she did.

 

Well I didn't expect to write this much, although I have rambled a bit, I apologise for that. I have only spoken about this with one friend who I trust but don't see much of. I guess I needed to get it all out.

 

At the moment I don't see the way forward, I feel very much in love with the other girl and I'm suffering with post break up depression. I wonder if it wouldn't be that bad if she hated me, but I know she still loves me and I have to see her every day.

[pondhawk]

You're not in love. You're in lust.

 

What happens when Muslim girl gets a little older and gains a few pounds? Is she toast too?

 

"In sickness and in health", "Forsaking ALL OTHERS" ......hmmmm where did I hear that before???

 

Be a man and try to work things out with your wife. There are things like marriage counseling and couple's programs before seeking other pu$$y.

 

I'm sorry you are, "sitting in misery", but you created this mess. Gain back your character.

[autumnnight]

That was a very well written narrative about weight, IVF, a great job, etc.

 

Here is the short version:

 

I wasn't supportive of my wife, her weight turned me off, I found someone else, I don't want to give her or my job up. Poor me

[ladydesigner]

Downgamer you really only have a few set of choices.

 

You can save your M

 

End your M

 

Keep sticking your head in the sand (keep cheating).

 

Unfortunately you feel this way now because you have allowed yourself to develop feelings for someone else which will cloud your ability to see yourself and your M more clearly.

 

Tackle your issues in therapy with a good counselor and try to find out why you chose the path of the A over communicating with and helping your W.

 

Also does your W know of the A?

[sandylee1]

Okay, so you can't be with the Muslim woman. I've kind of been there myself, dating a Muslim man, but that religion is not me and I will not covert from Christianity for anybody, so I let it go.

 

If you don't love your wife, set her free and get divorced before you bring any children into the world. She deserves a husband who truly loves her and you deserve a wife or woman you love. She could be passing up opportunities because she's committed to you.

 

If my H told me tomorrow that he didn't love me, I'd make moves to end the marriage. I will not be married to a man who doesn't love me.

 

While your pining for the OW, you will not have been a good husband, because your heart wasn't in the marriage .

[Celestial-dreamer]

Wow, you have ignored your wife haven't you? Your post hardly mentions her other than to say *she is fat, I can't empathize with fat people* That's awful to say. You say you fell out of love with your wife, so why didn't you leave her BEFORE looking for another? If your not happy being with a *fat* person.

 

You say this: So I was constantly on to my wife trying to get her to exercise and eat healthy

 

Did you not think your constant going on at her may have made her feel....well....like crap? She may well know your thoughts on *fat people* (in other words, your thoughts about HER) and feel like she isn't good enough, which may have lead to her perhaps comfort eat/withdrawal/depression etc. Women are VERY appearance aware. She knows the score, she isn't this stick thin model her husband wants.

 

She may well have felt she disappointed you already by not being able to give you a child, that's a very low blow for her. She needed patience and love, and after only 2 years of marriage, you already stepped out and fell out of love.

 

But we can only assume going by what you wrote, which isn't much about your poor wife. She needed you....and you have turned your back on her.

[minimariah]

you don't love your wife -- i think that's the first thing you need to admit to yourself. you might care for her like a friend or someone close to you - but you don't love her. that's what "not in love" really means.

 

so deal with your marriage first.

 

in any way - DO NOT, i repeat DO NOT have kids with your wife. your marriage is already in a huge trouble, bringing a child into it...? a really bad idea.

[Downgamer]

Thank you for your honesty.

 

To clarify a couple of points. The weight was never an issue on an attractiveness side of things, she was big when a I met her and it's always turned me on.

 

It was more of an issue with me that more of an effort wasn't made over such a long period that I lost respect for her. And me being who I am couldn't empathise with that as managing my weight comes naturally to me. That is my issue I accept that.

 

On whether I will tell my wife about the affair, I will not. Simply because she would figure out who the affair was with and if she confronted the other it could be ruin her relationship with her family.

 

I'm not sure if this was clear but this affair was not sexual, I mean there was definite sexual attraction but we never had sex, but that was more than a lack of opportunity really (so maybe that's a contradiction).

 

I don't think this is lust, it feels good just being in her presence and just talking, as well as all the other stuff. We did say we were each others best friends before all the romance started. And we were leaning on each other for support in our personal lives.

 

The girl has told me that she wants to find someone within her own religion that she could have in love with and have more in common and that her family would accept. I think if she hadn't put a stop to it the affair would have continued indefinitely.

[No Limit]

You don't love your wife. Why don't you divorce?

 

And it is lust. Also called 'affair fog' in these forums. In some time another random woman who gives you some attention will be your next 'soulmate'.

[sandylee1]

At the moment you're prolonging the inevitable. It doesn't sound like you can reconnect with your wife, so let her know that you've lost what was once there and it's unfair for you both to stagnate in this marriage.

[minimariah]

On whether I will tell my wife about the affair, I will not. Simply because she would figure out who the affair was with and if she confronted the other it could be ruin her relationship with her family.

 

this is why you should end your marriage - you don't want to tell your wife... NOT because it will cause her pain... but because you want to protect the other girl. it's pretty clear you married your wife only to... well, have a wife - in the 1st post, you said that this other girl made you happy for the first time in YEARS but you've been married for about two years...? that's bad. what you have with your wife isn't real. you didn't marry her for the right reasons - that's why it cracked so soon.

 

so start there. i see absolutely no reason you should stay married to your wife -- she deserves to be with someone who wants to be with her, too. you just aren't that person. leave your marriage for you and because you aren't happy - not so you can be with someone else. don't choose what to do with your marriage based on this girl's decisions. take some responsibility for your own life.

 

i'm afraid you won't leave anytime soon so i'll offer another advice - put a stop to trying to have a baby. you really don't need to drag a baby into this mess.

 

be smart and fair and deal with this situation NOW, while you still can. when you deal with it - THEN focus on the other girl.

Edited August 8, 2015 by minimariah

[minimariah]

It was more of an issue with me that more of an effort wasn't made over such a long period that I lost respect for her. And me being who I am couldn't empathise with that as managing my weight comes naturally to me. That is my issue I accept that.

 

that's not your issue - your issue is the fact that you actually made a huge commitment with both marriage and trying for a baby to this woman. you've had these negative feelings and instead of breaking off the relationship...? you actually committed to her even more. why? probably because you either don't know or can't be single. if i were you, i'd work THAT out.

 

why are you staying in this marriage still...? THAT's what you should be asking yourself.

 

p.s. if your wife being a "big girl" turned you on... why on earth did you want her to lose that type of body?

[autumnnight]

So you plan to stay in contact with the OW?

[ShatteredLady]

Will you explain why you got married? What did you feel saying your vows? It obviously wasnt a shot-gun marriage. Why did you even consider trying for a baby in the first place? It's all such a short period of time! I think you need to really analyze YOU & why you're doing these things. Therapy is definitely a very, very good idea.

Please, please don't have a baby. It sounds like you really need to work on yourself before you're ready for a romantic serious relationship let alone becoming a father. You're playing with people. Have you always liked the chase? Was there drama in your relationship with your wife before you married? Was she with another man or hard to obtain at the start?

I know I've got a lot of questions. It fascinates me how you can go from getting married, trying desperately for a baby, seeking treatment for a baby & falling 'In-Love' with your unobtainable 'friend' in only 2 years.

Were you raised in a stable family? I'm sorry if this is a childhood trauma that you're playing out. I know that wanting a child & having difficulties is very stressful but (like many here) I'm feeling desperately sorry for your wife. That poor woman is already going through so much & the person she should be able to lean on during this miserable time is off lusting after a co-worker.

 

You HAVE been having a full fledged affair. Trying to convince yourself otherwise is only going to prolong your denial about so many things in your life.

[GoldieLox]

 

On whether I will tell my wife about the affair, I will not. Simply because she would figure out who the affair was with and if she confronted the other it could be ruin her relationship with her family.

 

I think if she hadn't put a stop to it the affair would have continued indefinitely.

 

Please read and re-read these two points over and over. Think about them and let them absorb for a little bit. Minimariah beat me to the first one. The fact that you won't tell your wife, the one you made vows to, about the affair because you're protecting the other woman? WHO CARES. You don't owe her anything. You owe your wife. The truth. And if you don't want to because you are protecting the OW? You may as well see a divorce lawyer and convert to Islam tomorrow.

 

The second point.... If she didn't end it, you would've continued on... and on... and on. Let your wife go and find someone who wouldn't have an indefinite affair behind her back. Do not bring a child into this world. It won't be fair to your wife or the kid.

 

I'm for reconciliation when it sounds like something can actually be reconciled and both parties agree to at least try, but there's nothing to work with here. These points speak for themselves. SMH.

[Mr. Lucky]

It was more of an issue with me that more of an effort wasn't made over such a long period that I lost respect for her. And me being who I am couldn't empathise with that as managing my weight comes naturally to me. That is my issue I accept that.

 

Interesting how much space you're able to carve out for yourself to do anything you want while remaining judgmental of your wife. And you lost respect for her? Sheesh...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Celestial-dreamer]

Oh my, I really feel bad for your wife, you lost respect for her? what do you think she's going to do if/when she finds out the truth? Do you think she will respect you for betraying her when she needed you most? I doubt it. All you are doing here is being selfish, your posts are all ME ME ME. The only reason your A ended is because the OW ended it, or you would have carried on? WHY!? Why are you staying married to your wife? She DESERVES love too doesn't she? Or are you the only one who is allowed to feel good? Let her go, please. Your only concern here is your OW being found out. It is obvious to us you have no respect for your wife, don't you think she has noticed too? She may well have depression, noticing your disconnect, knows she isn't good enough for you......and yes....you are blaming her for it. Please let her go so she can be with someone who will love her and not judge her by her ability to lose weight. She probably felt awful knowing she couldn't give you a child..trust me that is a massive blow to a person. She needs support through a very difficult time in her life. Your not the one to give it to her. You couldn't be understanding for her, be there, show her you love her no matter what. Because you don't.

[elaine567]

 

I work in a very tight knit office, everyone is very good friends and we go out for meals and drinks regularly. About 18 months ago, a young muslim girl joined the team. She is a very friendly and kind person and I liked her immediately, I was also attracted to her. We had a shuffle round in the office about three months ago and it was very easy for me to go and sit at her desk and chat. For whatever reason I got hold of her mobile number and started texting her, we would text every night just talking about random stuff and flirting a whole lot. We would flirt in the office and soon we started touching, little things like tickling and poking each other or leaning on the back of a chair. If one of us had a bad day we would give each other a hug.

Now we have stopped texting, we still work together and no-one in the office knows of our relationship and eventual break up.

 

I can't leave my job, it's a good job with serious prospects. At the beginning she told me she would quit as it was too hard. I begged her to stay, now I wonder if it would have been better if she had left, although everyone would probably have realised why she did.

 

 

If you work in a tight knit office, EVERYONE, and I mean EVERYONE will be very aware of what went on here.

YOU are delusional if you thought all that went unnoticed.

.........

Here you were, stuck with the boring, old, fat wife, who was in the throes of infertility investigations and making real life and death decisions, and along comes Miss FlirtySkirty, full of fun, poking and hugging you.

And you fell hook, line and sinker. Forget the dowdy wife, forget the kid, forget 9 years of a relationship, it is "love".

But Miss Flirtyskirty has a sting in her tail, no sex please and my family would hate you, so whilst I dooo LOOOOOVE you oodles and it has been fun, I have to dump you, SORRY for that.

 

DO not waste the tax payers money by getting IVF. A poor kid doesn't deserve to be brought into this mess.

Divorce your wife and let her love again, let her have children with a decent man who will care for her

No-one should be stuck in a marriage with a guy who doesn't love her, a guy who doesn't respect her, and a guy who is pining for someone else. A guy whose only concerns seems to be for some young girl, who perhaps just led him on in the first place...

YOUR wife, will know something is off and may even be blaming herself here.

That is NOT fair and it is time to put your big boy panties on and let her go.

She can find another, and so can you.

[truncated]

I think that if I read one more post by a married man about the poor, helpless 'widdle ow who can't help herself and who is oh so innocent I am going to be sick.

 

 

you need a pail of ice water dumped over your head so you can see her for who she really is. "friendly" with guys at the office? Remember how she used to be "friendly" with you, and look how that turned out? You didn't drag her into an affair, she did that all on her own, and muslim or not, she sounds like she did exactly what she wanted to do, eyes wide open.

 

I doubt that the Muslim religion looks too fondly on affairs either, but I see how much she's paid attention to that tenet of her religion.

 

You may not even be the first guy she's done this with, and you probably won't be the last.

 

You are both 100% responsible for your actions in getting involved in the affair. Neither of you was dragged into it kicking and screaming, and at the first "flirty text" or inappropriate touching, either one of you could have stopped it.

 

As for your wife, you could at least do her the favor of being honest with her about why you no longer love her, but I see you can't even give her that modicum of respect. After everything you've done to hurt her, can't you at least man up enough to be honest with her? It sounds like you'd rather let her blame herself and forever wonder what she did wrong, when, the reality is you just wanted out because you cheated.

Edited August 8, 2015 by truncated

[Sandy43]

I think that if I read one more post by a married man about the poor, helpless 'widdle ow who can't help herself and who is oh so innocent I am going to be sick.

 

 

you need a pail of ice water dumped over your head so you can see her for who she really is. "friendly" with guys at the office? Remember how she used to be "friendly" with you, and look how that turned out? You didn't drag her into an affair, she did that all on her own, and muslim or not, she sounds like she did exactly what she wanted to do, eyes wide open.

 

I doubt that the Muslim religion looks too fondly on affairs either, but I see how much she's paid attention to that tenet of her religion.

 

You may not even be the first guy she's done this with, and you probably won't be the last.

 

You are both 100% responsible for your actions in getting involved in the affair. Neither of you was dragged into it kicking and screaming, and at the first "flirty text" or inappropriate touching, either one of you could have stopped it.

 

As for your wife, you could at least do her the favor of being honest with her about why you no longer love her, but I see you can't even give her that modicum of respect. After everything you've done to hurt her, can't you at least man up enough to be honest with her? It sounds like you'd rather let her blame herself and forever wonder what she did wrong, when, the reality is you just wanted out because you cheated.

 

Absolutely agree, great post

[qubist]

Downgamer: you have 2 seperate issues here.

1 your marriage life and affair: what you are experiencing is becoming a very common issue lately, or you have to do is browse some of the topics here you will see the same old story over and over again. You are not in love with the Muslim girl you just think you are trust me on that, it is called an Affair fog and it's blinded you. before you do anything you should fix your R with you W, when I said "fix" i didn't necessary mean stay married. you have challenges but instead of facing them you ran to the easier path of an EA. face your challenges at home the right way with your wife, whether you are able to work things out with her and continue with you wife or leave her and D, will be determined later. we can talk in details about you married life issues which are like I said before very common if you would like to go that route.

Affairs will not solve your problems at all in addition to the hurt and pain everyone suffers from them

2 your second issue is dating a Muslim girl who is still sort of devoted to her religion and family. I was raised a Muslim and grew up in a very conservative Muslim family. I'm an atheist now and I just wish I never confessed that to my family, yo wouldn't understand because it is a different culture but trust me she wouldn't give up her family for you

Edited August 8, 2015 by qubist

[remorseful_tab]

You may as well see a divorce lawyer and convert to Islam tomorrow.

 

This wasn't necessary. One's religion has nothing to do with love (or lust).

 

One of my very good friend is Mohammedan and she is one of the lovliest, kindest person I know.

[GoldieLox]

This wasn't necessary. One's religion has nothing to do with love (or lust).

 

One of my very good friend is Mohammedan and she is one of the lovliest, kindest person I know.

 

Actually, it was. If you refer back to his original post, you will see that the OW would not marry outside of her religion due to her beliefs. The OP states he is in love with her and no longer in love with his wife. So what's stopping him?

 

No where did I mention the qualities of Muslims are less of those who are not. I happen to be half Middle Eastern and grew up in that culture. You may want to breeze through and familiarize yourself with the context of the posts next time you make a comment like that.

[qubist]

Actually, it was. If you refer back to his original post, you will see that the OW would not marry outside of her religion due to her beliefs. The OP states he is in love with her and no longer in love with his wife. So what's stopping him?

 

No where did I mention the qualities of Muslims are less of those who are not. I happen to be half Middle Eastern and grew up in that culture. You may want to breeze through and familiarize yourself with the context of the posts next time you make a comment like that.

Goldie: there is no need to be this mad. the OP is just a typical MM who is in a fog and thinks he is in love. if the OW decided to continue the A he would've followed her too. I don't thing religion has anything to do with it it's just human behavior. BTW marrying an non Muslim is forbidden for woman in Islam but so is flirting and having a relationship with other men, so if she was that devoted to Islam she wouldn't have allowed herself in this situation at all. but Culture is more powerful than religion she knew she would be rejected by her family ( you are half mid-eastern you should know that). after all they are just human that fall behind their emotional and mental weakness and make mistake. the OP is in denial though.

[GoldieLox]

Goldie: there is no need to be this mad. the OP is just a typical MM who is in a fog and thinks he is in love. if the OW decided to continue the A he would've followed her too. I don't thing religion has anything to do with it it's just human behavior. BTW marrying an non Muslim is forbidden for woman in Islam but so is flirting and having a relationship with other men, so if she was that devoted to Islam she wouldn't have allowed herself in this situation at all. but Culture is more powerful than religion she knew she would be rejected by her family ( you are half mid-eastern you should know that). after all they are just human that fall behind their emotional and mental weakness and make mistake. the OP is in denial though.

 

Lol, who said I was downright mad? I'm a little ticked that the first person who replied to my post thought that I was somehow implying that Muslims were less "lovely and kind" than others, but I digress.

 

And in reply to you, that was my point in the first place: If the MM is so "in love", he should just follow her and convert to Islam, that way he can marry her. It has nothing to do with Islam in and of itself. We could be talking about the fact that this woman is Jewish, Buddhist, or whatever religion. It really doesn't have anything to do with religion, that wasn't my original point. My original point was that this man no longer loves his wife, seems to still be in love with the OW still, refuses to even disclose anything to his wife, and would still be in the A if the OW didn't put an end to it. Absolutely nothing to do with religion. Way to take something and blow it way out of proportion, guys.

Edited August 8, 2015 by GoldieLox