Scorpiolover Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 (edited) Hello, So this may be very long, sorry. A few years ago is when i started suspecting my husband was acting sneaky. My daughter had a baseball game and my oldest daughter, my husband, and myself were going to go. My husband had said the prior evening he would want to go as well so imagine my shock when were getting up the next morning and he just puts his lounge pants on and says he has yard work. Another thing is is that it had been a while, like 3 weeks since we were physical. I tried to initiate that morning but he brushed me off. Anyway not thinking anything of it i just go. So we get to the ballpark and are told that the other team wasnt going to make it and the game was cancelled. I go home, i hear the bathroom door shutting as im walking into the house. I go into my bedroom and smell my lotion. I didnt use any before i left. I notice that his shirt he had on before i left is on the floor next to the bed, i picked it up and noticed that it smelled like my lotion and also he had ejaculated, not that was the big deal. Of course i also noticed his phone on the bed that was hot. So he comes out of the bathroom in his underware asking when i got home, knowing damn well he was caught when he seen his phone and the shirt in my hand. So i ask why he would use my lotion to jack off with and who or what was he doing on the phone. He instantly got mad and said that men jack off and i need to get a grip. Well i lost it at that point, obviously due to our lack of intimacy on his part because i tried lots of times to get him in the mood. So he denies using the phone during that time, but im telling you that phone was extremely hot to the touch. So fast forward to this year. Hes still not intimate with me but maybe 2 times a month. He was always on his phone until i confronted him about turning it away when i walked in the room oh and the lack of messages, phone logs, internet searches completely gone. He also had been on Craigslist alot, when asked he says hes looking at cars. Craigslist also lets you clear your history within the app. He also has a yahoo mail app but claims he didnt put it there...i set his phone up initially, it wasnt there. I cant get into it either. So i have had no evidence of anything concret, but now i noticed the sexual enhancement pills in his tool box in the garage. The first time i seen them there were 3 empty and 1 full packages, this time there were 1 empty and 1 full. Were not having sex. Where are the pills going, when and with who? Also his activity on his phone has decreased but he is spending more time being in the garage, or sends me into the house to do an activity and says he will be right in, instead he goes into the garage when he thinks im in the house and he stays out there for 10-20 minutes almost every evening. Or he will say hes going to water the garden and hes in the garage. otherwise he comes home everyday, he does get up very early and leaves for work alot earlier that his 8 o clock shift. He did act funny this weekend when mentioning that he needed to run to Home Depot(we usually go together as its my favorite store), we were sitting in our backyard and he kept asking me if i was going to go into the front and finish trimming the hedges or shower. I said i was going to finish but didnt get up to do so. He just stood there like he was stalling or waiting for me to go into the front. When he realized i wasnt going anywhere right then he got grumpy and told me he would be right back and that he hadnt showered or anything. Why he said that i dont know, but he had spent 10 minutes in the bathroom prior to that statement and he put cologne on. Weve been together 24 years, married 18 years, have 3 kids and 1 grandchild. I am in my 30's he is in his mid 40's. Im not sure what to think, no evidence, i dont want to find anything but i want to stop feeling like a crazy woman. Edited July 28, 2015 by Scorpiolover Wanted to fix errors and add content. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Based on what you have written, no objective or logical person could come up with any conclusion except that he is up to something. And if that something is cheating, nothing you do, are or don't do or aren't excuses it. I would go into covert spy mode. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scorpiolover Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 Just purchased a VAR. Im not sure about this part but i am anxious to get this over with so i can move on to being normal again, with or without him. Who has done the whole VAR? Where did you put it, how often did you check it? If you heard something that you didnt want to hear, how did you approach it? He gets angry when i even suspect hes doing anything wrong. Claims he comes home everyday, what more do i want? Some love, affection, to feel wanted by the man i gave my heart to all those years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy43 Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 I would put the VAR in the garage or in his car and check it as soon as it is possible to do so without getting caught yourself. I know it's hard because you want to know but also your afraid of what you will find. Not knowing is much worse. I am sorry you are going through this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Yes, definitely listen and watch closely. I've heard all sorts of wild extrapolations to explain this kind of odd behavior, from "men like to have some pills to help them jack off at work/at home/ in the bathroom/ in space...." to questions about exactly how much weight the wife has gained blah blah blah... Bottom line, I don't buy the whole "have the pills handy in the toolbox/briefcase/secret compartment" crap, and no matter what you have or haven't done, nothing justifies cheating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Hire a PI to install hidden video cameras & to follow him to work & back a few times. You'll get your answers, but I doubt you'll like them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scorpiolover Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 I cant afford a PI Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 yes he is up to something! he is sex starved and trying desperately to satisfy himself. Why are YOU not giving him a greatly increased amount of sex, seeing that he is masturbating every time you leave the house? Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Lot's of the questions about the pills have been addressed in your other thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/540374-guy-thoughts-needed 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 I go home, i hear the bathroom door shutting as im walking into the house. I go into my bedroom and smell my lotion. I didnt use any before i left. I notice that his shirt he had on before i left is on the floor next to the bed, i picked it up and noticed that it smelled like my lotion and also he had ejaculated, not that was the big deal. Of course i also noticed his phone on the bed that was hot. So he comes out of the bathroom in his underware asking when i got home, knowing damn well he was caught when he seen his phone and the shirt in my hand. So i ask why he would use my lotion to jack off with and who or what was he doing on the phone. He instantly got mad and said that men jack off and i need to get a grip. Just to follow up on this. Guys jack off in the bathroom and look at porn on their phones. It's not abnormal. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 This sounds more like he's spanking to porn rather than cheating. Either way its not fair to you that you are frustrated while he's spanking in the garage. He may have a porn problem. An occasional spank isn't anything to be concerned with but if he's draining the tank by himself all the time and denying you, that's a problem. You have the right to insist you get yours before he heads out to the barrage. However part of that process will be to address why he'd rather spank to his phone rather than make love to his willing wife. You'll have to be honest with yourself and make him feel safe enough to discuss this openly with you. For starters does he know you want to have sex with him?? You say you've tried to initiate with him but many women are so subtle that even their own husbands don't know that they are trying to initiate. Have you tried just reaching down his pants and saying, "I want some of this?" You'll need to look at other things too? Have you put on a lot of weight and aren't taking care of yourself? (And by a lot of weight I mean 50 or more lbs, not 5_10 lbs) Are you a bitch to him? Are you always criticizing him and second guessing him and chewing him out or belittling him all the time? You may need to address some issues that are very uncomfortable and unsettling for both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scorpiolover Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 yes he is up to something! he is sex starved and trying desperately to satisfy himself. Why are YOU not giving him a greatly increased amount of sex, seeing that he is masturbating every time you leave the house? You have no idea.. my libido is going crazy this last few years. I am constantly horny! I do try, ranging from what i would like to do to him in texts, that he doesnt reply to or just says "oh really", to being completely naked when he comes home from work. At night when were laying in bed i always start to play with him in teasing sexual nature, to right out saying its been a while why dont we have sex. He gets an erection no problem, cant keep it up longer than 2-3 minutes, but he always says hes tired or why am i bugging him. Starting to feel like its just me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scorpiolover Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 You have to understand, i am not a controlling, bitchy, uptight wife. I do let him know in very vocal, visual ways that we should get dirty.. hell i even arranged a 3-some back in 98 just because he wanted it, he had the time of his life, so did i. He did say he was happy with the one time and didnt want to do it again. I even asked. I do not belittle him, he is very masculine and not one to let the little woman run the show, which i dont mind. I know men masturbate, its fine with me, but not when he isnt sharing himself with me. I even told him to masturbate for me as it turns me on.. he freaked out. Im just not sure, i asked about depression, if he would like me to make contact with a counselor in his behalf or just find him one so he can make contact. He says no. I am really trying here. I love my husband, am turned on by him just as soon as he walks into a room, but i dont make him feel that way no matter how i dress, how i do my hair or make up. I did gain some weight but i worked really hard to lose it too. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 yes he is up to something! he is sex starved and trying desperately to satisfy himself. Why are YOU not giving him a greatly increased amount of sex, seeing that he is masturbating every time you leave the house? Wild speculation at best, emotionally unintelligent drivel at worst. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scorpiolover Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 yes he is up to something! he is sex starved and trying desperately to satisfy himself. Why are YOU not giving him a greatly increased amount of sex, seeing that he is masturbating every time you leave the house? I am pretty certain thats not it. I would give it to him allday long if he asked. Its not me, if it is he wont say and i havnt figured it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scorpiolover Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 Why would a man choose masturbation over sex with a willing partner? Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 You have to understand, i am not a controlling, bitchy, uptight wife. I do let him know in very vocal, visual ways that we should get dirty.. hell i even arranged a 3-some back in 98 just because he wanted it, he had the time of his life, so did i. He did say he was happy with the one time and didnt want to do it again. I even asked. I do not belittle him, he is very masculine and not one to let the little woman run the show, which i dont mind. I know men masturbate, its fine with me, but not when he isnt sharing himself with me. I even told him to masturbate for me as it turns me on.. he freaked out. Im just not sure, i asked about depression, if he would like me to make contact with a counselor in his behalf or just find him one so he can make contact. He says no. I am really trying here. I love my husband, am turned on by him just as soon as he walks into a room, but i dont make him feel that way no matter how i dress, how i do my hair or make up. I did gain some weight but i worked really hard to lose it too. Even though I'm pretty sure this is a porn/spanking issue and not an affair, due diligence dictates that you rule out any outside 3rd parties before proceeding forward with anything else. The reason for that is because if he is involved with someone, nothing else will work untill the affair is discovered and squelched. Put some VARs in the garage and in his car and any other area he might have a private convo. I'd even get some kind of hidden camera in the garage. Check phone records for txts and phone calls. Hack his computers or install keylogger programs to see what his online activities are. My hunch is you will discover porn and not an affair but in your case, the porn is about as damaging as an affair so you'll need to take that just as seriously. And again, as long as all of his sexual energies are going into the porn, no other fixes will work. You can look like Heidi Klume and be as seductive and sexy as a porn star and it won't matter. Marriage counseling won't work as long as he is turning to porn to meet all his needs. Stop confronting him and stop questioning about it and start investigating for yourself to find out what he is really doing. You will need that info before you will be able to do anything affective about it. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Why would a man choose masturbation over sex with a willing partner? Porn is available 24/7 with endless beautiful, horny, naked women performing every sexual act imaginable and unimaginable for free at the push of a button. It provides constant excitement and stimulation and asks nothing in return. You don't have to marry it. You don't have to talk to it. You don't have to be nice to it and you don't have to make it feel desired or secure. It doesn't want kids and it doesn't care if you are a good father or not. It doesn't care if you are good looking or a fat, ugly, disgusting slob. It doesn't care how much money you make or your social status. It doesn't care what kind of house you have, car you drive or clothes you wear. It is never sick, never in a bad mood, never mad or annoyed and never never never has a period. You don't need to date it, take it to dinners or musicals. You don't have to seduce it or rub its feet. You don't have to take care of it when it's sick or be nice to its parents or friends. It doesn't care who your friends are or how time you spend with them or what you do with them. It doesn't care if you look at, date or fck other women. It doesn't even care if you want to try fcking another man. Your grandmother and your friends don't need to like it or get along with it. It never asks you to cuddle and talk to it after its drained your tank. It will be there to satisfy you even if you haven't taken out the trash, mowed the lawn, cleaned up the garage or done anything with the kids. It's never disappointed in your performance. It never complains, whines or Bitches. It never criticizes, belittles or is disrespectful. You don't need to listen to its problems or listen to its feelings. You never have to worry about hurting its feelings or being insensitive. It doesn't need seduction, foreplay, an orgasm of its own or to be nice to it afterwards. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoenixashes Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 If not an emotional affair with a woman online, definitely porn... Especially since you said he gets it up but can't maintain past a couple minutes...there are studies porn addiction rewired the brain and makes "regular sex" boring, they're only able to get off masturbating vs sex...he may be angry /embarrassed as well. Possible to sit/talk to him in bed? No initiating sex...no blame. Just talk? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scorpiolover Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 If not an emotional affair with a woman online, definitely porn... Especially since you said he gets it up but can't maintain past a couple minutes...there are studies porn addiction rewired the brain and makes "regular sex" boring, they're only able to get off masturbating vs sex...he may be angry /embarrassed as well. Possible to sit/talk to him in bed? No initiating sex...no blame. Just talk? I have tried to talk to him, he just becomes angry, shuts down and goes to the garage. I did Say i have noticed that there seems to be some underlying problem and i would like to help in any way i can. He said i was crazy and to stop trying to analyze him. When really im just trying to find out why he is shutting down an important connection that we both loved. I need that connection. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scorpiolover Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 Porn is available 24/7 with endless beautiful, horny, naked women performing every sexual act imaginable and unimaginable for free at the push of a button. It provides constant excitement and stimulation and asks nothing in return. You don't have to marry it. You don't have to talk to it. You don't have to be nice to it and you don't have to make it feel desired or secure. It doesn't want kids and it doesn't care if you are a good father or not. It doesn't care if you are good looking or a fat, ugly, disgusting slob. It doesn't care how much money you make or your social status. It doesn't care what kind of house you have, car you drive or clothes you wear. It is never sick, never in a bad mood, never mad or annoyed and never never never has a period. You don't need to date it, take it to dinners or musicals. You don't have to seduce it or rub its feet. You don't have to take care of it when it's sick or be nice to its parents or friends. It doesn't care who your friends are or how time you spend with them or what you do with them. It doesn't care if you look at, date or fck other women. It doesn't even care if you want to try fcking another man. Your grandmother and your friends don't need to like it or get along with it. It never asks you to cuddle and talk to it after its drained your tank. It will be there to satisfy you even if you haven't taken out the trash, mowed the lawn, cleaned up the garage or done anything with the kids. It's never disappointed in your performance. It never complains, whines or Bitches. It never criticizes, belittles or is disrespectful. You don't need to listen to its problems or listen to its feelings. You never have to worry about hurting its feelings or being insensitive. It doesn't need seduction, foreplay, an orgasm of its own or to be nice to it afterwards. With all this, no woman stands a chance. Thanks for giving me all the reasons, hopefully he doesnt think like this, but i wouldnt know he has stopped talking to me when we use to have a very easy time conversing, now its like i am talking to myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scorpiolover Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 Even though I'm pretty sure this is a porn/spanking issue and not an affair, due diligence dictates that you rule out any outside 3rd parties before proceeding forward with anything else. The reason for that is because if he is involved with someone, nothing else will work untill the affair is discovered and squelched. Put some VARs in the garage and in his car and any other area he might have a private convo. I'd even get some kind of hidden camera in the garage. Check phone records for txts and phone calls. Hack his computers or install keylogger programs to see what his online activities are. My hunch is you will discover porn and not an affair but in your case, the porn is about as damaging as an affair so you'll need to take that just as seriously. And again, as long as all of his sexual energies are going into the porn, no other fixes will work. You can look like Heidi Klume and be as seductive and sexy as a porn star and it won't matter. Marriage counseling won't work as long as he is turning to porn to meet all his needs. Stop confronting him and stop questioning about it and start investigating for yourself to find out what he is really doing. You will need that info before you will be able to do anything affective about it. Well luckily he only has a cell phone and not a tablet or a PC. I already purchased a VAR. Im scared to see what comes next, but hopeful its just something minor. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I think it may be porn or sexting perhaps? However Do you ever go into the garage? Why don't you wait for 5-10 mins, time for him to "set up" perhaps then follow him in there? Do you live in a built up area, is it possible he could be meeting someone in there? or round the back, in the lane, etc.? I'd even get some kind of hidden camera in the garage. Yes. so would I. Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 eve been together 24 years, married 18 years, have 3 kids and 1 grandchild. I am in my 30's he is in his mid 40's. . how young were you married? how old are your children? & wow a grand-child. (somebodies gonna be calling you grandma sooner or later!) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scorpiolover Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 how young were you married? how old are your children? & wow a grand-child. (somebodies gonna be calling you grandma sooner or later!) I was 15 when we met, he was 21. We married when i turned 21. Our kids ages are 15, 21, 23, 2 year old grandchild from oldest. I am told i look like i am in my 20's, do not look like a grandma whatsoever! Lol Link to post Share on other sites
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