polo13 Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 please help. been married 18yrs. we didn't have great communication. he works very long hours and i raised our kids. a year ago i found out he was having an affair with co-worker. we have been through ups and downs. mostly downs. separate rooms and not a lot of talking. a lot of text outbursts from me. i know he deeply regrets the affair happened but isn't sure he can continue with the marriage. i think mid life crisis and of course since he had sex with some wh#re, he isn't convinced our marriage will work. I'm so hurt. he doesn't deserve for me to go to therapy. i needed to see remorse. he says sorry but i don't feel real remorse. i feel stuck. we make a lot of money but live in LA. its hard to find appropriate house for me and kids with enough for him to get apartment and not affect kids life style. I'm so lost and hurt. my family is over hearing about it. they say leave. i would have if not for kids. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 whoever leaves puts themselves at risk of losing any legal claim on the marital home, so do not do anything drastic, do not leave before talking to a lawyer on the other hand screw husband, stay living there and act free and single why uproot yourself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy43 Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Have you been to MC? What do you mean he doesn't deserve for you to go to therapy? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 of course since he had sex with some wh#re, he isn't convinced our marriage will work. Sorry for your pain but don't think those two things are directly tied together. It doesn't seem either of you are taking any steps towards recovery. Not sure how you'd expect things would improve... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Seperate rooms, barely talking to each other...? I'm sorry, but your marriage was dead long before the affair and it had nothing to do with his co-worker, that was just his reaction because he's not man enough to handle the bull by the horns. If you're so worried about your kids' lifestyle, maybe you can agree to an open marriage? Are you sure you don't have othre options? Have you consulted an attorney? Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 No matter what else you decide to do, I would recommend you get into individual counselling. What you are going through is so painful that I don't think you should try to get through it alone. Counselling will help you gain some clarity on what your options are. Above all else, take care of your health and your relationship with you children. Be well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polo13 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 hey no limit, thanks for your support. let me look at your story. we have separate bedrooms now post affair. my daughter means the world to me. her horse means everything to her. she is 15yrs and making a career of being a grand prix jumper with her horse. very very expensive endeavor. I've stayed for a year for her. obviously not the best decision but I'm broken. never fricken saw this coming. i don't know this man that broke his family. so thanks for the others advice. it was heartfelt. i will be strong for my kids. sometimes moms do things for kids that really isn't the best in the long run. btw i live in LA. housing is so expensive. yes i will see an attorney, the comment about him not being worthy of therapy is a childish feeling i have i guess. i feel he stepped out of the marriage, and although he has apologized many times, I've been needing the flowers, the passwords to phones and computers. i haven't gotten those things. flowers a few times but i feel he is sorry for the affair but isn't sure he is still "in love" I'm sorry if i don't make sense. my kids have been traveling this summer and I've crawled into a deep dark hole. i was hoping we could reconnect while kids where away, and it didn't happen. i know what i need to do but doesn't make it easy. we are fairly new to LA and i don't have any close friends here. I'm very lonely. I found this sight after finding out about the affair and got some relief reading other peoples stories. I'm just in such a bad place now and wanted to reach out. so thanks for the kind words and advice from most of you Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 (edited) we are fairly new to LA and i don't have any close friends here. *I'm very lonely. I found this sight after finding out about the affair and got some relief reading other peoples stories. I'm just in such a bad place now and wanted to reach out. so thanks for the kind words and advice from most of you *Isolation hurts. We need other people in our lives. There are ways of addressing that which can be looked at later, if you want. For the moment, I would like to ask you about yourself as an individual, rather than you as a wife or mother. What do you enjoy doing just for yourself? This might seem like a strange question, but: What things make you feel more like yourself? What brings out the real you, the person you want to be? What are your hopes and dreams? Is there something you've always wanted, since childhood? What do you want from life, as an individual? Take care. Edited July 8, 2015 by Satu 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 the comment about him not being worthy of therapy is a childish feeling i have i guess. i feel he stepped out of the marriage, and although he has apologized many times, I've been needing the flowers, the passwords to phones and computers. i haven't gotten those things. You deserve this and much more. Did you read the post pinned to the top? It is helpful to betrayed spouses too. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know flowers a few times but i feel he is sorry for the affair but isn't sure he is still "in love" I'm sorry if i don't make sense. You make perfect sense. The sense of someone who has been stabbed in the back by the partner they trusted. You should be sleeping separately. You should trust your instincts that he is not really sorry. You should not go to MC unless it is to figure out how to live together civilly until your kids are grown. You should do the 180. Do you know what that is? Definitely see a lawyer, if only just to find out your options. You might get to keep the house. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 i was hoping we could reconnect while kids where away, and it didn't happen. Again, hoping and waiting for flowers isn't going to fix your marriage. If you're really interested in reconnecting, why not counseling? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Referring to the woman he had an affair with as a whore tells me you're not fully aware of comfortable with addressing why he had an affair in the first place. Have you guys addressed that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherSadSong Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 hey no limit, thanks for your support. let me look at your story. we have separate bedrooms now post affair. my daughter means the world to me. her horse means everything to her. she is 15yrs and making a career of being a grand prix jumper with her horse. very very expensive endeavor. I've stayed for a year for her. obviously not the best decision but I'm broken. never fricken saw this coming. i don't know this man that broke his family. so thanks for the others advice. it was heartfelt. i will be strong for my kids. sometimes moms do things for kids that really isn't the best in the long run. btw i live in LA. housing is so expensive. yes i will see an attorney, the comment about him not being worthy of therapy is a childish feeling i have i guess. i feel he stepped out of the marriage, and although he has apologized many times, I've been needing the flowers, the passwords to phones and computers. i haven't gotten those things. flowers a few times but i feel he is sorry for the affair but isn't sure he is still "in love" I'm sorry if i don't make sense. my kids have been traveling this summer and I've crawled into a deep dark hole. i was hoping we could reconnect while kids where away, and it didn't happen. i know what i need to do but doesn't make it easy. we are fairly new to LA and i don't have any close friends here. I'm very lonely. I found this sight after finding out about the affair and got some relief reading other peoples stories. I'm just in such a bad place now and wanted to reach out. so thanks for the kind words and advice from most of you See an attorney if you have not already and protect your finances. I am sorry you are in a dark hole. Do you have a trusted CPA to get info from? I have experienced that and it is not a joy ride. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 The link that was posted is a good read. It shows what true remorse looks like. And I don't recommend staying with a wayward that isn't truly remorseful. Even staying for the kids is typically counter-productive. They either learn that it's ok to treat women as doormats or they grow up in a house without love and take that image into their relationships with them. Some phrases that may also be apt are: It's better to be from a broken home than to be in one. It's better for kids to be raised in two happy households than in one unhappy one. As for counseling, I think it's more that your husband needs individual counseling to work on the issues that caused him to cheat, which would in turn make you feel less vulnerable to a repeat performance. I think marriage counseling typically does more harm than good when the wayward isn't really ready to own his sh*t. But with the right marriage counselor (one who specializes in infidelity), you might get somewhere. Since it's been a year without true remorse on his part, I think it's time to visit a family law attorney. Find out your options. It's pretty commonplace for everyone to take a lifestyle hit when you have the same income supporting two residences instead of one but you may also be able to get your husband to commit to funding the extracurriculars as part of a settlement. I think you do also have to consider that as much as your kids may like their lifestyle, they'd rather not have their mother suffer thru years of being miserable to keep it. My mother "stayed for the kids" and left as soon as the youngest left the nest. I can tell you that all of us think she should have left sooner. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Sorry you are in this tough situation. I do hope you find someone to talk to soon. Some counselors help, but some do not. You can't fix the M by yourself, he has to be part of the solution. If he is not part of the solution, then I do hope you start the 180 for yourself. Find things that help you feel good about yourself. Your H should be paying for the counseling, and you should start soon. I do like the advice about seeing an attorney to know what are the possilble results. Do something for yourself this week. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NoC Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 We're all here for you polo. Do you still love your husband? Are you Latin American by any chance? I ask because it seems as though English is not your first language. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Sorry for your pain right now. Betrayal is a horrible place to be especially with an unremorseful spouse. Maybe he doesn't know how to show remorse. Fundamentally , you BOTH have to want the marriage to work. It's no good if only one person wants it. If he wants to try and work on things , then MC is a good start. If not, then I suggest you prepare for a life without him and read up on the 180. You need to invest time in yourself. You deserve happiness and I always say that I refuse to allow another human being, (especially a man ) to make my life miserable. Don't give a man, husband or not the satisfaction of ruining your life. Fix it or move on is my philosophy. Do things to make yourself feel good, the spa and gym are also places to meet people and make friends . Don't get in such a state that you can't be bothered with anything and try and have a positive outlook for the future. This will help you feel better and others notice when you are upbeat and happy. You become a person who people want to be around. Show that you can go it alone and live independently of him. As much as it hurts, you don't want to look like a snivelling wreck as that is not a pretty sight and is a turn off. Not that I'm saying you are a snivelling wreck, but you get what I mean. Unfortunately , there will ALWAYS be a women who are happy to sleep with MM. There's nothing you can do about that. We can't control the morals of other people , but if your relationship is in a good place, it significantly reduces the chance of an affair. When one OW was asked why she had an affair with a MM..... her response was "it's hard to find a good man these days ". Somehow she didn't see that a husband cheating on his wife was NOT a good man. The irony of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 hey no limit, thanks for your support. let me look at your story. we have separate bedrooms now post affair. my daughter means the world to me. her horse means everything to her. she is 15yrs and making a career of being a grand prix jumper with her horse. very very expensive endeavor. I've stayed for a year for her. obviously not the best decision but I'm broken. never fricken saw this coming. i don't know this man that broke his family. so thanks for the others advice. it was heartfelt. i will be strong for my kids. sometimes moms do things for kids that really isn't the best in the long run. btw i live in LA. housing is so expensive. yes i will see an attorney, the comment about him not being worthy of therapy is a childish feeling i have i guess. i feel he stepped out of the marriage, and although he has apologized many times, I've been needing the flowers, the passwords to phones and computers. i haven't gotten those things. flowers a few times but i feel he is sorry for the affair but isn't sure he is still "in love" I'm sorry if i don't make sense. my kids have been traveling this summer and I've crawled into a deep dark hole. i was hoping we could reconnect while kids where away, and it didn't happen. i know what i need to do but doesn't make it easy. we are fairly new to LA and i don't have any close friends here. I'm very lonely. I found this sight after finding out about the affair and got some relief reading other peoples stories. I'm just in such a bad place now and wanted to reach out. so thanks for the kind words and advice from most of you Well details like these change perspectives completely (mind you we can only try to reconstruct your situation depending on how much, and especially what kind of information we're given). On a sidenote - as former equestrian it was a wise choice that your daughter picked show jumping instead of dressage because it seems to be a new trend that only horses who were bred to move their front legs like hackney ponies instead of action of the hindquarters (which you can only achieve by proper riding and training) get placed or win (and if a judge doesn't like you or your horse even that doesn't matter!). Show jumping's much easier. Good luck to your daughter! Link to post Share on other sites
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