Poutrew Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 (edited) Well, it happened. Been with my current squeeze for 8 months, and it has been pretty good most of the time, till now. Just had my b-day (yeah, happy happy ...) but I spent it alone. My gf and I were planning to have a nice time, you know I take her out to a nice restaurant, and a movie, then come home for some romance... but Monday, an old girlfriend of hers from college blows into town and gives her a call. She is on the phone for almost 2 hours. When she gets off the phone she told me that she, along with her old girlfriend and some other women she knows are going to have a girls night out on Tuesday. I then remind her that it's my b-day and we had plans to go out that night. She goes total Tharn. Says she just totally forgot and besides the old girlfriend is only in town for a single day. We could celebrate my b-day next day. Right. We had this planned for a couple weeks, and she just 'forgot'. I tell her she is blowing me off for an old girlfriend she hasn't seen in years. We get into a nice argument. She says I'm being unreasonable, not understanding the situation. I want her to cancel and she wont. She's not my slave, stop trying to control her, yadda. In the end she goes and I eat a TV dinner - hungry man turkey. Well, she gets back 3:30 am, totally hung over. Takes a shower and goes to bed. Yesterday morning, I am calm. I bring out a new IPOD Touch, 5th gen. I tell her I bought it for her to replace her old one, and I was going to give it to HER as a present on MY birthday, because I loved her. I hold it out to let her see it and the picture I snapped last night of her ass and the bite mark on it (left cheek). She goes Tharn all over again. I tell her to have her stuff packed and out of my place before I get home from work tonight. She never said a word. Was gone when I got home. She's trying to text me as I am writing this, but I can go NC in a nuclear way. She knows me so I'm surprised she's even trying. The reason I am writing is not about the break-up, but how cold I felt inside while it was happening. I read about all the people on this site, about how miserable and emotional they are when they catch their partner cheating. This never happens to me. I loved this girl, but the way I reacted would have been the same even if she had been married to me for years. Cold and numb. It's like I know it's useless to fight against inevitability. So, I think it's a defense mechanism I have evolved to protect myself against emotional shocks - it was the same way when my mom died. I truly loved her, but during the funeral I felt... numb. It was like I knew becoming an emotional wreck would do no good, that nothing I could do would bring her back... you know, like trying to rush the gates of heaven. Useless. I can mourn, but quietly and in a measured way. And the thing with the girlfriend is, I don't even care to know the details of how that bite mark got on her rump. I can even see the humor in her not knowing it was there. I even made a joke about how a shower can't wash off evidence of being an a**hole. So, does anyone else react this way? Or am I flawed? Either way, looks like the old Pout-miester is soon to be back on the market... Thanks for reading! Edited June 11, 2015 by Poutrew typo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 I don't think there's anything wrong with you. To me it just sounds like you have a different level of emotional control and maturity. But in any case still sorry that happened. And ya you were right to kick her to the curb. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 People deal with things like this in different ways. While I don't think there's anything wrong with you per say, you may want to consider if your ability to switch your emotions off may have played a role in your decision to act on the impulse to just boot her without hearing what happened. Your choice either way, especially since you were only together 8 months, but I'd have maybe heard her out. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Carson Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Agreed nothing wrong with you, I was the same way when my father passed away. Just make sure your not having a volcanic buildup that could fissure somewhere else in your life. Good luck on the next one, I hope you find a keeper! Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Stay strong. Do not respond. Hope she will be careful and get tested for stds. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 People deal with things like this in different ways. While I don't think there's anything wrong with you per say, you may want to consider if your ability to switch your emotions off may have played a role in your decision to act on the impulse to just boot her without hearing what happened. Your choice either way, especially since you were only together 8 months, but I'd have maybe heard her out. Bitemark on her ass? Why does he need to hear what happened? He's not a retard. Why would anyone doubt what happened? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 You reacted appropriately, and your emotional reaction, to me, shows you are emotionally mature, secure in yourself, and are able to assess and deal with hurtful situations in a decisive way. You should be proud of yourself. There are scant few solid guys like you out there. We need more real men like you. Expect your ex to keep trying to get back with you. A woman gets turned on by a man who is decisive and takes control, and you did. And no woman can handle being dumped. She wants you bad now. She will carry a torch for you, just wait and see. But never take her back. Her going out and screwing another guy on your birthday is absolutely beyond the pale, and in my book unforgivable, because it clearly demonstrates she has no respect for you, who she claims to love. Her behavior also demonstrates that when her toxic girlfriends are in town, she can go from sweet dedicated girlfriend to slutty party girl at the drop of a hat. She is a follower, and she has no scruples when it comes to going along with the crowd. Don't get back together with her. She is not relationship material. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Your mind is turning these traumatic events into "oh well" events. It's called denial. Not that you are "denying" that it happened, you are denying to see it as a significant event. There is nothing necessarily wrong with this and, in fact, it would be hard for you to change the way you react. Compartmentalizing and trying to stuff things like this into the back of your mind doesn't work forever. It leads to depression and inappropriate overreactions later in your life. You should think about counseling. As far as dumping the slut - you certainly did the right thing. The betrayal and loss of someone you cared for is traumatic and your mind went into it's defense mechanism of denial. But your decisions as to what to do about the whole thing is sound. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Nothing wrong with you at all. I felt this way when I discovered an EX had a GF. I just told him to never call me again as he was a waste of space. One major heartbreak earlier on had hardened my heart. I moved on with the policy of never giving any man the satisfaction of making me feel that way again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Not every person reacts the same; even when you can easily see the pattern in this forum, it's not a "must be". In your case you were lucky enough to know what was happening from the start so you have less inner turmoil about making a clean cut (in this regard we're pretty much alike, I'm quite good at simply vanishing from other people's life if I want to). But if you had just uncovered years or even decades of betrayal - trust me, you'd be cooking and brooding like a vulcano. And your ex is trying because she can. How else is she supposed to know that you won't "make an exception" for her if she doesn't try? Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Is there something wrong with you? Absolutely not. I have all the respect in the world for how you handled this situation. Who bails on their SO's birthday plans to go have a girls night out with friends at the last minute? A bar skank looking to play the " who can bag the hottest guy " game with friends that haven't grown up yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poutrew Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 Agreed nothing wrong with you, I was the same way when my father passed away. Just make sure your not having a volcanic buildup that could fissure somewhere else in your life. Good luck on the next one, I hope you find a keeper! Thanks, and I hear what you are saying. I don't think it (volcanic buildup, etc.) applies to me because I'm not denying what happened, but I concede the point that perhaps I am denying my feelings about what happened. So, as a test, I opened and read one of her e-mails. She was drunk and got egged on by her slut pals. She knew it was wrong but couldn't see any way out of it. She denies intercourse but admits things got out of hand when she was twerking (gawd, I hate Miley Cyrus!) with a stripper at a local bar. She admits to letting the guy lick her...anyway, the note seemed boilerplate and was filled with the same stuff you read here all the time. And nope, I had no volcanic feelings inside me at all. I replied to her email. I told her she was a big girl and I'm never gonna be her daddy or priest. She's free to do what she wants, and I am free to reject what she does. The last line I said: "Just remember, not only did you loose a pretty good guy as a boyfriend, but you also lost a brand new, 5th gen, blue Ipod Touch. Do not contact me again. I will not reply." It's nice to see I haven't lost my sense of humor! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Did she really say she couldn't see a way out of it? Personal responsibility, she has none. Just move on. Be glad this happened before you gave her the gift. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Carson Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Thanks, and I hear what you are saying. I don't think it (volcanic buildup, etc.) applies to me because I'm not denying what happened, but I concede the point that perhaps I am denying my feelings about what happened. So, as a test, I opened and read one of her e-mails. She was drunk and got egged on by her slut pals. She knew it was wrong but couldn't see any way out of it. She denies intercourse but admits things got out of hand when she was twerking (gawd, I hate Miley Cyrus!) with a stripper at a local bar. She admits to letting the guy lick her...anyway, the note seemed boilerplate and was filled with the same stuff you read here all the time. And nope, I had no volcanic feelings inside me at all. I replied to her email. I told her she was a big girl and I'm never gonna be her daddy or priest. She's free to do what she wants, and I am free to reject what she does. The last line I said: "Just remember, not only did you loose a pretty good guy as a boyfriend, but you also lost a brand new, 5th gen, blue Ipod Touch. Do not contact me again. I will not reply." It's nice to see I haven't lost my sense of humor! Poutrew You sound like a good guy with your act together and a good level head, and you deserve an equal. Go with the NC she knows what she's lost and too bad for her. I know I'm old but twerking has to be a modern plague, and don't get me started on Miley Cyrus 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Binster Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Mate nice humorous twist, like it. (what the hells twerking) Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Taking responsibility for your own action is something for adults. Back to kindergarden for your ex, nap time! Mate nice humorous twist, like it. (what the hells twerking) It's a "dance" that was hyped for a while. People squat and start twitching their rear muscles so it looks like they're rubbing their pubic bone on something. Should only be danced in music videos though, if you bring moves like those out in clubs chances are you'll get weird looks... although I guess still not as bad as those folk who have no dancing skills at all. Oh well. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 She denies intercourse but admits things got out of hand when she was twerking (gawd, I hate Miley Cyrus!) with a stripper at a local bar. She admits to letting the guy lick her. If not there was no intercourse, why the need for the 3:30am shower? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Just had a conversation in IC yesterday about this. You've heard the "fight, flight or freeze" explanation of how humans react to danger. My therapist says it's something we establish in childhood. It came up because she pointed out that I always go into 'freeze' mode in response to terrible life events and asked if I remember doing it in childhood. Sure 'nuff! I remembered recent conversations with my brother about our reactions to the crazy volatility we lived with as children with our parents' scary fights. His response was flight; mine was freeze. She said it's typical of younger children's responses. I mean, aliveagain, may be right, too, in calling it denial, but it's sort of the same issue. Something in you goes into stasis, no reaction, numbness. Personally I really hate it and this discovery's made me realize it's the single most insidious obstacle to ownership of choice and being present. small question: Why did you post in Infidelity? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Now I see it - just reread first post. The bitemark? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 You were clear and decisive, because her crime was clear. This was not dumping someone and thinking "Am I doing the right thing? "Maybe I am being harsh?" "I will miss her, she really loved me"...etc. In this case, no ifs, buts or maybes. Cheating was a line too far. You dumped her cheating a$$, and that means you can move on cleanly. Did she actually meet her "old friend", was there really a stripper, or was that just an excuse made up to see the OM? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Thanks, and I hear what you are saying. I don't think it (volcanic buildup, etc.) applies to me because I'm not denying what happened, but I concede the point that perhaps I am denying my feelings about what happened. So, as a test, I opened and read one of her e-mails. She was drunk and got egged on by her slut pals. She knew it was wrong but couldn't see any way out of it. She denies intercourse but admits things got out of hand when she was twerking (gawd, I hate Miley Cyrus!) with a stripper at a local bar. She admits to letting the guy lick her...anyway, the note seemed boilerplate and was filled with the same stuff you read here all the time. And nope, I had no volcanic feelings inside me at all. I replied to her email. I told her she was a big girl and I'm never gonna be her daddy or priest. She's free to do what she wants, and I am free to reject what she does. The last line I said: "Just remember, not only did you loose a pretty good guy as a boyfriend, but you also lost a brand new, 5th gen, blue Ipod Touch. Do not contact me again. I will not reply." It's nice to see I haven't lost my sense of humor! You handled this great. Life's too short to put up with this kind of sh*t when you aren't even married and there are no kids involved. Go be single and remember what it's like to chase tail 7x24 And this part : perhaps I am denying my feelings about what happened. This is denial. You'd have to be brain-dead to deny something horrible happened, it's denying how much it affects you. We all do it to some degree - you will learn how to deal with it in your own good time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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