sylviaguardian Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 I have a question about something that really bugs me. After I found out that something was amiss, it took another 2 months for my husband to quit phone/text contact with this person and another months before he realised that he really could not have ANY contact to her. I am a fool? Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 Sylvia- You know my story I'm sure. It took my wife about a month and a half after the NC was first supposed to be in place before contact ended...and even then, that was at the request of the OM. She sent him a Father's Day card, to which he replied that he was glad that we working on our marriage, he respected it, and that he would appreciate it if she removed him from her mail lists. Prior to that, every week we'd re-agree that there would be no contact...and he'd IM her, or she'd IM him. She even called him twice during that time!! Even as recently as a 3 weeks ago, when the subject came up again on what she would do if he contacted her, she said that she'd leave it up to me as to whether they could be in contact. She STILL feels like they could just be friends. She STILL can't understand how dangerous that would be. That's why I STILL worry contact could re-occur. SIGH Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 Why are you still with her Owl? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sylviaguardian Posted December 10, 2004 Author Share Posted December 10, 2004 Ha, ha, ha!I know just what you mean! The other night (when I was furious) I said to my husband that he might as well go back to having a relationship with her (i.e. see if the grass really is greener). He thought I meant they should be friends again and said maybe in a few months but it wouldn't be good just now. SAY THAT AGAIN????!!! This is the woman over whom our marriage nearly broke up! I just don't understand it. Are the feelings just so strong or what? When my husband wouldn't stop texting, he said it had become a habit! Aren't habits things like chewing your nails? The worst thing is, I don't know if I told you this, but one time I had to go to a conference for 3 days and I BEGGED him not to contact her. When I was away I was so upset and alone and when I got back I asked him if he had contacted her. No, he said but it was so clear that he was lying. later when I checked the phone bills, he had been texting her the whole time and had even phoned her a few times for about 20 minutes each time. He said afterwards that he was hurt and sad when I was away and had no-one else he talk to about it! Fantastic!That made me feel really good. Why do they do it? Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
Author sylviaguardian Posted December 10, 2004 Author Share Posted December 10, 2004 Originally posted by naive_2001 Why are you still with her Owl? Here we go..there's always one post like this isn't there. They really don't help in any way. The reason why people here stay with people who cheat on them is usually because they are people of integrity who have made a COMMITTMENT. Or do you just get rid of anyone who makes a mistake involving you? Link to post Share on other sites
Joyce Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 Or do you just get rid of anyone who makes a mistake involving you? great post Sylvia! Owl you have really taken a beating the last couple of days. Your advice has been very beneficial to LS. I think a lot of people come here to get justification for their actions and get angry when they don't hear what they want. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 LOL...thanks for the appreciation Joyce. People can beat away...the nice thing about the internet...you're all just the click of a mouse away from oblivion!! Seriously Naive, I'm still with her because we ARE still in love with each other, and that what we had prior to the last year was sooo good it's WORTH fighting to keep. It's WORTH working for. She didn't realize that when she had her affair...and has said repeatedly ever since that it was a reality check for her as well. That she had no idea what she came so close to losing...me! And in truth, things are going very well. She's NOT in contact with him in any shape, fashion or form. She knows darn well that if she was, it would be the end of it between us. And now she doesn't want that either! The only real issue I've got right now is recovering personally from what's happened. It hit me darned hard...much harder than I ever thought something like this might. But, I'll make it...we'll make it. I know the odds of successfully recovering from a marriage. I'm playing the gamble, because the stakes are worth it. I'm gambling that we'll be in the small percent that actually make it. Partially because I know that I'm one of the better guys in the world, and because she is one of the best women I've ever known. If anyone CAN do it, WE can... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sylviaguardian Posted December 10, 2004 Author Share Posted December 10, 2004 Here, here Joyce! Owl, I totally agree. You seem to have taken a real beating. Although I've got nothing but good advice from this place, there seem to be a few people who think that there is a certain criteria that you have to fulfill before you can offer advice. You can never know how anyone else feels until you've been that person. I have noticed that there is always one post that says 'get rid of him/her' or 'why are you still with them'? If only life were that simple, none of us would be here. Great to hear you rise to the challenge Owl! Joyce, how are ya? Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 When my husband wouldn't stop texting, he said it had become a habit! Aren't habits things like chewing your nails? Syl...It takes 30 days to make a habit, 30 days to break a habit. So help him, PUSH him to break the habit. TURN Off the computer or cancel the net service for a while until he can prove to you it's done and over with. Hang in there...I hope things get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Joyce Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 Hi Sylvia, I am doing ok. H and I are fighting over silly things I bought him a Christmas gift so I asked him not to look in our checking account for a couple of weeks. That was a big mistake. I balance the account but he likes to look in it to see where the money is going and what I spend. I explained to him that I didn't want him to see where I bought his gift from because then he would know what it was. I told him after Christmas he can look at it. He flipped out. I ended up giving him the gift and telling him to open it because it's not worth fighting over. I really wish it could have been a surprise. I know he doesn't trust me but I tried to do something nice and it backfired! It sucks trying to build up trust again but that's something I need to get used to. I am also going to school to be a nurse. I just started last semester. This is the first time since we have been married that I have done something for myself. (besides being selfish with my affair). My H said he would support me with school and help with the kids. Well now he has decided he wants to go back to get his degree. I am frustrated because we both can't go. I wish he would have told me this before I started my classes. I supported him through the academy and with his work. Anyway.. I know I am complaining a lot it's just been a rough day. How are things with you? Link to post Share on other sites
veronese Posted December 11, 2004 Share Posted December 11, 2004 Hi guys, To my knowledge contact ended between my H and the three women as soon as I found out about them. I spoke to all three of them when he told them (over the phone). Of course there is a possibility that I don't know all the facts, but I do believe him. He admitted it was a habit and was going to take time to get used to losing. But whenever I've asked if he's missed them he says that although he does have fleeting thoughts about them, he genuinely isn't feeling feeling deprived by no contact. I think in some ways it took me founding out for him to be able to make the break so completely so as not to hurt them. From what I've read about these things though sylvia, it's perfectly normal for the end of communication to take a while to finally end. In fact the experts say in the majority of cases the unfaithful partner finds it really difficult to go cold turkey so suddenly and tends to drift away more gradually. So there's still hope darling.... hang on in there!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sylviaguardian Posted December 11, 2004 Author Share Posted December 11, 2004 Originally posted by Joyce It sucks trying to build up trust again but that's something I need to get used to. Sorry to hear the gift backfired Joyce. What a nightmare. My husband says the same thing about trust. It's hard to trust someone again too though. As thumb once said 'one small thing and it's back into my box fear I go'. I don't think there are necessarily things that you can do to build trust. Sometimes it's just a case of waiting a long enough time without anything happening. Sorry to hear about your nursing plans falling through. Do you think that this is a coincidence that your H wants to do his degree now? Is he afraid perhaps that you be out of the house more or that you want to be more independent? I am OK today. My H is away for the weekend visiting his family and I must say that it has been nice not to be constantly bickering. I've found that I've dwellt on things less too and I've had time to spend with my lovely little boy who has been a bit neglected since all this started. Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
Joyce Posted December 11, 2004 Share Posted December 11, 2004 Do you think that this is a coincidence that your H wants to do his degree now? Is he afraid perhaps that you be out of the house more or that you want to be more independent I don't think it's a coincidence. I think he is worried. Right now he knows everywhere I go and who I am with. When I start school he won't know who I am talking to and I think it will be hard on him. I wish there was a way to make things easier on him. I am staying enrolled in one of my classes so we'll see how it goes. It doesn't start until January so maybe things will be a little easier (I hope). My H apologized about the whole gift thing. I can understand why he felt so insecure and angry. I'm glad you are doing ok. I find it easier when I focus on my kids. They are so sweet and innocent. It's probably good for both of you to take some time away from each other. It's also probably easier to not think about everything when you don't have constant reminders. Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted December 13, 2004 Share Posted December 13, 2004 I don't know exactly when the physical part of the A started even though he told me it didn't start until after I kicked him out of our home when he said he wanted a divorce which was the first part of April 03. The end of the month the OW's H confronted me and told me that he seen their vehicles parked at a motel. From his words the A started around March 03 w/ the emotional part and then the physical part came in April and lasted until the end of June when he broke it off w/ her, so it lasted about 3 months. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 13, 2004 Share Posted December 13, 2004 Joyce, Can imagine how horrible the whole gift thing must have been for the both of you. He's sitting there panicked thinking "OMG, it's happening again!". And you, knowing that nothing is going on, you're sitting there going "OMG, it's never gonna end. He's NEVER going to trust me again!". I really do feel for the both of you. My wife and I did a little talking last nite, while we were out walking the dog (amazing how the late nite dog walking sessions seem to let us chat with each other, ya know?). Just doing some comparisons between what it was like before and how things are now. She's even noticed some of the changes in her own mindset that she's surprised at. It used to be that she wanted me to IM her while I was at work, but my work kept me busy, and it was hard for me to do. Then, when I'd have to go away from the keyboard for a while, she felt like I wasn't there for her. She admitted last nite that that was one of the big "draws" for her to the OM...he was always there for her, and his job rarely made it so he couldn't IM her constantly. The funny thing is, my job does let me IM her more now...and she's a LOT less upset about it when I'm unable to do so. She doesn't feel like its because I don't want to now....kind of ironic in a way. Things are still going well. We had a terrific weekend together. We've done a few "fresh start" things in our time together that have been very nice. Just hang in there friend...keep showing your husband how much you DO love and want to be with him...I'm confident that it will make all the difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Joyce Posted December 13, 2004 Share Posted December 13, 2004 Thank you Owl, We had a pretty good weekend too. It's amazing how different our relationship is. We still have arguments (like every married couple) but now our communication is different. We find it easier to say what we are feeling. Before we knew if we said certain things that it would hurt the other persons feelings so we would suppress them but we've learned that is not a good thing to do. If we argue we make it a point to talk through it. I'm sure we will still have lots of hard times ahead... Little by little every argument helps teach us and helps us understand the other person. It's strange how it took something negative for us to learn to grow closer. There are a lot of people that doubt marriages can make it through an affair. I am confident that everyone that puts their hearts and souls into fixing it will make it. I can understand the whole IM thing. I thought the same thing as your wife did. I think one of the major reasons I had an A was because I felt like I always needed someone to lean on for everything. When my H started to work crazy hours I didn't have anyone the way I've always been used too. It's hard because for the first time in my life I am learning to become more independent. I still lean on my H for a lot of things but I've learned it is important to be independent. It's also helping me to become less insecure and more confident with myself. I don't know if your wife is the same way but that is the underlying reason for my constant needing emails or IM. I'm glad to see that your having better days. You guys sound like such a sweet couple. You will make it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sylviaguardian Posted December 14, 2004 Author Share Posted December 14, 2004 Awww! You two guys give me hope, you really do! Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts