Someone Pushed Reset - BS Starting Over

[Cdenny]

This is my first time posting on this forum. My counselor suggested a place to write down my feelings as a way to help further the healing process. So here it goes... As I'm sure most marriages go, my wife and I met through an mutual acquaintance over five years ago. She was 20 at the time and had just returned from living abroad, and I was 25 working as a sales consultant for a well-known wireless carrier. We initially started talking about music, and a few weeks later it was apparent that there was something more growing between us. After four months of dating exclusively, we got an apartment together.

 

We always had a very strong connection to each other, and being closer together just seemed to grow that bond. We did everything together, shared everything, and it wasn't long until I asked her and she said yes. Even now, I still think of it as the best day of my life. About three months after we got engaged we found out we were pregnant. Honestly, I was conflicted at the time. We were struggling financially and I had just gotten accepted into the state University. It seemed like a baby would just be too much. We got into a fight about it, and didn't talk for a few days. After much soul searching, I realized how much of an ass I had been, apologized and told her no matter what happened I would take care of both of them.

 

We lost the baby three months in. It was devastating. I remember just sitting on the edge of the bed, just staring at the wall for hours after I found out. I tried to console her, said that we could try again, and this time we'd be ready for it. She perked up for a while, enrolled in school and we moved on with our lives.

 

About two years ago, I graduated with my Bachelor's degree into a market that, quite frankly, wasn't looking for college graduates. After about 8 months of searching, we moved to her native Oregon and I found a full time job working for a retail company making 14.50 an hour. It wasn't a dream job, but at the very least it helped pay our bills while I continued to look for a more permanent position.

 

Things were fine for a while. Our bills were paid, and we had a little extra money on the side to spend and go out with. We got married officially, and Life was ok, at least I thought. She slowly started picking at me. I'd come home late after work, and she'd make a comment about how I was lazy because I didn't take the trash out that morning. I'd try to change the oil on our car, and she make a comment about how I wasn't a real man because I didn't know anything about cars. Her biggest one came when she made a comment about how getting a college degree was worthless and a waste of time and money.

 

I snapped. Yelled at her for being ungrateful, and how I was working, trying to give her the life she wanted. We didn't talk for days. I still regret it to this day. I later apologized for snapping at her, told her how that comment hurt. She just didn't seem to care. Looking back, that should've been a big red flag. Hind sight's 20/20, right?

 

We were never quite the same after that. She started withdrawing. We did the whole 'talking without talking' routine.

 

She ended up getting a new job at a manufacturing firm, and she seemed to open up a little. We started talking about her job, and the new people she was meeting there. She started dressing nicer, wearing makeup and she lost a bunch of weight. She was always a little larger than average, but I never cared really. It was just nice to see her finally starting to get out and be happier. I even started joking with her about how good she was looking, and how I just wanted to grab her every time we were alone and find a dark corner. It felt like we were back to our old selves again. Sex definitely got better and more frequent.

 

One of the co-workers at the new job ended up getting into a car accident in October and didn't survive. She was invited to the funeral and after party, and I asked if she wanted me to go to support her. She said no and that she'd be fine. That she'd just have a few drinks and be back later that night. I didn't see her for two days. The very next day I called her and asked if everything was OK. She said yes, and that her grandmother had surgery and she was watching the dog (Her grandmother did have surgery, but this was the first time I had heard that she was going to pet sit).

 

On the day she was supposed to come back, I asked if she wanted me to make some dinner or if she felt like going out and having a date night. She snapped on me. Started accusing me of 'managing her time' and that I just 'needed to give her her space'. Needless to say I was shocked, hurt and confused by her reaction. I confronted her, and told her that we needed to talk. We met at a local restaurant later that night. It would end up being one of the worst nights of my life.

 

She ended up 'confessing' to kissing another man. She said she got a little drunk and that things went too far, but it never went beyond kissing (right...). She said she was confused about us and our marriage, and although she recognized we had problems she wasn't willing to go to couples counseling just yet. That she just needed some space. I packed and spent the night at her grandma's house.

 

Naturally, there were questions from her family, and I tried my best not to say much as I wasn't even sure what to say. Meanwhile, my wife went into full-on dark mode. No calls, no contact over a period of two weeks. The texts I sent got one word responses or none at all. I started getting worried and tried to get her to talk about what was going on. All I got back was 'I just need space' and 'Leave me alone'. I sent one last text saying that I supported her no matter what she was going through, and, although I didn't understand it, I'd try to back off. She blew up. Said that we were over and that she never wanted to see me again, and that we were broken up.

 

Looking back now, I'm not sure I handled it as well as I could have. Probably because I didn't know exactly what I was trying to handle. On one hand, I was acting like any concerned spouse would, on the other I can see how I might have been too overbearing and pushy. I just don't know.

 

About a week after the phone incident, she texted and said that we needed to talk. We met later that night at her brother's place where she was watching our nephews. We sat on the couch and she kept texting, and giving one word answers again. Finally, I told her to put the *expletive* phone down and talk to me. She said that she had been seeing a guy for the last few weeks and that they were having sex. She went on to brag about how great he was in bed and how they did it in every car he owns, at work, at hotels and, even just a few hours before we met, and that she just didn't see a future for us anymore. Ouch. Even writing this now, I still can't believe it. Something like this belongs in a Soap Opera, not in my life. Confused, and in shock, I asked her who he was and how did they meet, all the usual questions. She said that he was an engineer at work, that he had a family of his own, two kids and a wife, and that they were meeting regularly before and after work. I didn't know what to say, I just left. I remember driving. I ended up back at our apartment, though I don't quite remember how I got there. I crashed on the couch and she never came home.

 

I spent the next two months trying to convince her to stop. I tried everything from begging to arguing. Asked her to think about what she was throwing away, tried to get her to see that there was no future in a relationship with a married man. Tried to remind her of the five years of memories we had, of the life we were trying to build. None of it seemed to matter. All I would get back was how great the OM was with kids, how successful he was, how much he spoiled her, and how he was a good provider. The hypocrisy was astounding. A great provider who couldn't even be faithful to his own wife...

 

It was like she was in a spell and couldn't see the damage she was doing to our relationship and her part in the destruction of the OM's family. It was a fantasy, but she refused to see it.

 

After two month's of trying I gave up. I got her to agree to meet me back at the restaurant where it all started and told her I was leaving. For once, that actually seemed to hit home. She started asking about counseling, and complained about how she would never see me again if I left. She even (I'm not kidding) offered to have an 'open marriage' while we worked on things. Gee thanks. When I told her 'no', she tried seduction. Dropped hints about awesome break-up sex. Outfits. She would 'accidentally' drop 'I love you's' and even left the door open by 'mistake' when she was changing her clothes at her grandmother's one night. When that didn't work, she became aggressive and abusive. Even in front of her family. Yelling, insults, nothing physical but still very abusive.

 

A few days later, I got a call from her mother saying that my wife was in the hospital. Worried, I called her and asked if she was alright. She said yes, and she was sorry for everything and really needed to talk. I reluctantly agreed. We met again and she told me she contracted Herpes. Nail in the coffin, right? Wrong. Like an idiot, I said that I still loved her and I wanted to work on us. She agreed and I thought we had finally came out of this nightmare. Three days later, she was back with him, and back to being verbally abusive.

 

I don't know why I even tried to work on us after I found out about the Herpes. I guess I was just trying to hold on to what we once were, what we once had. Now I realize how self-centered and selfish she really was. It's really hard to believe that she was the beautiful, confident woman I chose to be my wife.

 

I'm writing this now from a town thousands of miles away from where she is. I initiated a limited contact period, as we still had bills together that needed to get sorted out. Every now and then I get texts from her about how she misses me, and how she's sorry about having sex with someone else when we were still married (nothing about how she lied to, deceived, and misled me). She once asked if I hated her, to which I replied 'no' but I don't trust her anymore and that I didn't want to be friends. She actually acted hurt at this, and didn't seem to understand why I didn't trust her. Hopefully, at some point I will move on from this. I know I haven't quite yet (this is day 147 after DoD).

 

I keep looking at the divorce paperwork, but I can't quite seem to sign the line. I'm not sure why. I guess part of me still misses her, though I know it'll never quite be the same again. I still see her as my wife, even though I know she doesn't deserve it/ want it. I lay awake at night hoping that she'll come to her senses and call me, asking me to come back, and I'm afraid that I actually would. Does that make me weak? I guess it does. I just don't quite know anymore. There was a time were everything seemed so certain. I was going to graduate college, we would buy a house, have kids, make a life together. It's like someone pushed a reset button on my life and now here I am; 30, back in school, and living with my dad (Thank God for him). Anyways, thanks for reading.

Edited March 27, 2015 by Cdenny

[happyman64]

CDenny

 

Sign the papers.

 

You loved her and tried your best.

 

You deserve better. So sign the papers and be grateful you never had children with her.

 

Remember this.

 

A marriage takes more than just love to succeed.

 

It takes honest, open communication.

 

It takes two people that respect each other.

 

It takes two people that trust each other.

 

But most importantly it takes a commitment made by two people. Not one.

 

Sign the papers. Close the chapter on this relationship.

 

And never speak to her again. She does not deserve one ounce of your time or thought.

 

HM

[Darren Steez]

Read No More Mr Nice Guy. Seriously, read it and go through the exercises.

 

But before that. Run outside, look up at the sky, and thank god(whatever religion you are) that you are 30 and you still have your life in front of you.

 

Dude she's got herpes, her guy is sleeping around on her. This is her life and it's miserable.

 

Plenty of woman who'd take a dude like you. She pressed reset but she could have kept it a secret, gave you the disease and where would your life be?

 

Reset is good. Reset is great. Now go and live life and sign those damn papers. Reset her life as well.

[obtuseedge]

You're too much of a nice guy.

 

She's made it more than clear where she stands.

 

Sign the paperwork and learn to move on.

 

Sorry to hear about all this.

[Spectre]

I mean I feel bad for you man. Satan doesn't take human form often and it's just plum bad luck you managed to meet up with him(or for this instance should I say her) when you did. At least you have exorcised the demon and are on the road to recovery. Thank God for your Father indeed..

[loveboid]

She broke up with you months ago. The divorce papers are just a formality. You no longer have a relationship with her. Keep moving on.

 

At this point, you're probably scaring her that you haven't accepted the break up and let her go. That's why she's asking if you hate her. Guys who don't let go sometimes get violent. You're acting delusional like this is still a relationship. She said it's over months ago. That means it's over. It only takes one person to say it.

[No Limit]

For goodness sake RUN. It doesn't matter that she's in the hospital, who knows who she's having sex with there. Get a new number so they cannot reach out to you anymore and finally leave this chapter of your life behind you.

[jnel921]

If you felt you had to beg her to stay, she was not worth it. Someone who loves you will not make you beg for anything. She hurt you, contracted an STD, flip flopped her feelings and ultimately left you for him. Sign the papers. I hope you have been tested.

 

Good Luck.

[Lion Heart]

Cdenny, a warm welcome to LS but very sorry you've had the experience at all to be here. Sorry you're still hurting. Be kind to yourself.

 

Because bk isn't here I'll assume his position slightly. BTW I'm a BW and it's been 13w 5d since my D Day. We're almost twins!

 

Do your crazy ex one last favour, write an anonymous letter to the Betrayed Wife in their faisco. You've been blessed with the knowledge of your ex's affair. Be KIND, HONEST AND TRUTHFUL (as her cake-eater WH won't! ). Every SINGLE DAY I thank my WH OW for MAKING him tell me. You don't HURT anyone by withholding this knowledge. Don't give a return address. You don't need the drama. But this BW is involved in a drama she hasn't got a clue about! You FREE the BW to make her own choices. I'm thanking YOU in advance on her behalf.

A simple "Your husband is cheating". Will suffice. :-)

 

Now to you. Do YOURSELF a favor and sign the D papers. Post them on the way to a really fun event to take your mind away. ..maybe. Don't sit and home and cry. Get out.

 

B4 you do either ^^^^. Get a new phone with a new phone number. Block her number from your dads phone. Then text her 1 last time, something along the lines of..... "Papers in the post. I've got total indifference toward you. Don't contact me again." Then get the sim card out and smash it.

 

NC NC NC.

 

Now you have the head space to work on your healing.

You are gonna find your exWW copied and pasted on every page in a minute. You are gonna be SO FREAKIN RELIEVED your children won't be parented by this nutcase.

Sorry man, but the woman you married is only a figment of your imagination. You saw the REAL WOMAN once the facade came off.

 

Read online "Wolf in Sheep's Clothing". Yep. She is. Don't buy the book unless you'll pass it on once you've moved on. George K . Simon. Read it all if you want to!

 

Join chumplady.com. You and your marvellous dad could spend endless hours of "family entertainment" reading this. It's VERY funny. It's you and it's me reacting like all those chumps.

 

That's all for now. Your therapist is wise.

Lion Heart.

[Mr. Lucky]

She said that she had been seeing a guy for the last few weeks and that they were having sex. She went on to brag about how great he was in bed and how they did it in every car he owns, at work, at hotels and, even just a few hours before we met, and that she just didn't see a future for us anymore.

 

As others have said, welcome to LS !

 

Who would tell someone they love(ed) what she told you? It's one thing to break up with you but another to look in your eyes and intentionally try to crush your very soul solely for her own personal validation. To say she's a flawed human being lacking in empathy would be putting it mildly. Sign and run...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Confused48]

I guess part of me still misses her, though I know it'll never quite be the same again. I still see her as my wife, even though I know she doesn't deserve it/ want it. I lay awake at night hoping that she'll come to her senses and call me, asking me to come back, and I'm afraid that I actually would.

 

This part really worries me. I know it is just a few words in a very long post but it is very unsettling. I can't tell you how many horror stories I've read here, on this website, about people going back to their ex. OWs mostly going back to MMs. But one does see the betrayed spouse going back to the clearly abusive cheating spouse too.

 

Don't be that guy. It never ends well. You have snatched victory from the jaws of a monster with STDs. Run man and don't look back.

 

You will not be the same agian. You will be better and wiser. You are young and will find someone to love that is worthy of it and returns it.

[Curdie]

Your marriage was over before it ever began. You tried to pressure her into an abortion, she lost the baby just before the second trimester, you threw some trite, useless "we can always try again" BS at her, and then thought that everything would be ok? You wrote one sentence about being bummed for a few hours. I promise you that she was much more upset for much, much longer than you were. She's probably still not over it, which would explain why she went so out of her way to hurt you. And from the sound of it you did very little to help her cope with it all. (She "perked up" and you got on with your lives? Yeah, no. She realized that you weren't as invested in the pregnancy and wouldn't be supportive, so she hid the pain. Those feelings of inadequacy and guilt and anger and numbing grief don't just disappear.) Why on earth she married someone who treated her that way during one of the most vulnerable times of her life is beyond me. Hopefully she'll get therapy, because she sounds like she is all kinds of broken.

 

This relationship was toxic. Sign the papers. Work on yourself and let the relationship go. Stay single until you have done so.

Edited March 29, 2015 by Curdie

[Running Man]

Its seems desperate and pathetic to consider staying with a women who cheated (and proudly bragged about it in your face) and contracted Herpes which makes her want to settle for plan B, YOU. Leave that diseased women alone and keep your health. Improve on your self esteem and find a fresh start with another woman.

[Chasing_mya]

Cdenny, you made the right decision to leave her and keep that great amount of distance from a toxic person. Its clear she's not in love with you and she's not stable. She's all over the place and the fact that she's involved with a MM, she has no idea the ride she's in for. You have to take care of you. I understand how difficult it must be to sign on the dotted line but you have to stop blocking your blessings and move on. Yes, its been 5 years but don't allow it to be 5 more of wasted time on someone who doesn't value you. You deserve someone who compliments you and who can reciprocate the love you give. We've all had lessons that we needed to learn and this is one of them. Always follow your intuition and know this is the best thing for you. Be grateful you have a place to stay and an opportunity to start over. Wishing you the best! Keep you head up, you got this.

[oldshirt]

Do what your lawyers advise.

 

Sign the papers.

 

Then go into your cocoon for a little while and read the books, "No More Mr Nice Guy." By Robert Glover and also, "The Married Man Sex life Primer" by Athol Kay.

 

I also agree you should check out Chumplady.com.

 

When you have read those books you will emerge from your cocoon metamorphed into a different creature and will have much more knowledge and wisdom and will be much more prepared to move forward with your life and able start anew without making some of the same mistakes again.

[oldshirt]

Oh and surprisingly no-one has mentioned the 180. Look up the 180 and follow it to the letter.

 

The 180 is the algorithm for hitting the reset button and moving on with your new life as quickly, efficiently and effectively as possible.

[elaine567]

I snapped. Yelled at her for being ungrateful, and how I was working, trying to give her the life she wanted. We didn't talk for days. I still regret it to this day. I later apologized for snapping at her, told her how that comment hurt. She just didn't seem to care. Looking back, that should've been a big red flag. Hind sight's 20/20, right?

 

We were never quite the same after that. She started withdrawing. We did the whole 'talking without talking' routine.

 

She ended up getting a new job at a manufacturing firm, and she seemed to open up a little. We started talking about her job, and the new people she was meeting there. She started dressing nicer, wearing makeup and she lost a bunch of weight. She was always a little larger than average, but I never cared really. It was just nice to see her finally starting to get out and be happier. I even started joking with her about how good she was looking, and how I just wanted to grab her every time we were alone and find a dark corner. It felt like we were back to our old selves again. Sex definitely got better and more frequent.

 

This was when you lost her she was unhappy (the moaning), you snapped angrily at her, and she was hurt and she lost her emotional connection with you.

She got over that upset by withdrawing and she moved on, got a new job and no doubt made a new "connection" with someone at work. The better sex and her improved looks were about the affair and not about you.

After that you were just a source of annoyance to her, she had checked out of the marriage, but was either too scared, too indecisive maybe, to make the final cut.

Sign those papers and move on, there is nothing for you here.

[stillafool]

 

My counselor suggested a place to write down my feelings as a way to help

further the healing process.

 

He probably meant to write in a journal. This helps alot.

[aliveagain]

All you have to do to end the drama in your life is sign the papers. It's that simple, your healing will start almost immediately. There's nothing to save here friend, fu*k the breadcrumbs she's giving you, this girl is severely broken. The world is waiting for you, let your lawyer deal with her.

[Lion Heart]

You will not be the same again. You will be better and wiser. You are young and will find someone to love that is worthy of it and returns it.

 

This ^^^^ x 1000.

 

IN A NUTSHELL:

This time, right NOW, is your time to work very, very, VERY hard on yourself. NOW is your opportunity. Don't waste this extremely precious time "wishing" her back. That is the WRONG FOCUS. We get what we focus on... sometimes and BOY DO WE REGRET THAT WISH!

 

DO READ THE THINGS WE SUGGEST.

You are out of there.

She cut you loose.

You had to run.

The hard part is over.

This time is like the chrysalis.

The time YOU use to form you new self.

Do the WORK. WHAT EVER IT TAKES!!!

The knowledge you gather frees you!

You will emerge stronger, yes you will.

You will see RED FLAGS FAR MORE CLEARLY.

You will KNOW them.

You will NOT go quickly into any new relationship because you know the harm that can be done.

You will know after this that you are wise to protect sectors of your life's work on yourself (even the property or finances you gather now) so they cannot be taken easily by another person less worthy than yourself.

 

We've all been where you are. It sucks. You're allowed to cry & grieve BUT you must FOCUS all the time you can on the new you that is in creation mode. It's grief you feel, despair makes you desperate. Read more threads here on people who've spent DECADES with their spouse trying to work this sh** out! It's horrible!

 

You can do it and will because you must.

Lion Heart.